What is a reasonable amount of time for parents to spend with adult children?

[NCsoIcanactonthisIRL]

How long and how often do you, as adults, spend time with a parent or with your adult child (delete as applicable), assuming that neither of you is a carer for the other?

Number of hours per week/month and number of instances per week/month, please.

Context: I want to know if I'm unreasonable in my expectation of how long we should spend together.

Once a week for an hour or so when I visit them and my granddaughter. I still work FT so any more than that is difficult.

People who don't respect boundaries are tough - especially if you've been trained to think this is normal (they are a parent!). It gets easier with time and practice.

Ignore the manipulation tactics (e.g. reference to the dog being her nurse) or reply like @CadyEastman suggests.

Nothing specific or formal, I pop round a couple of times a week, if they're there they're there if not I'll say hello to the cat and read the paper then go.

I'll take my mum to say the garden centre or farm shop on a Saturday if she wants to go.

It's how they like it, they have a life and we all have lives. They like that their children feel at ease to just pop round when they feel like it.

@NCsoIcanactonthisIRL dont worry, all will be fine and from what she’s written youll be ok eh we n you’ve both made up from the quarrel.

About your key, if you dont feel able to ask for it back then change your lock and tell her sorry you couldn’t find your key (if you can’t/don’t want to lie ask a friend to hide your key so that it’s true). You would still need to find a way not to give her a spare though.

About your weekends, now a the perfect time to move things around. Find something you have to do on Saturday and ask her to come on Sunday for Sunday lunch or afternoon tea. Whatever’s ok for you and that she will find appealing. Then keep the Sunday afternoon arrangement from now on (or Saturday afternoon if you prefer).

Whatever anyone says on her op there’s no need to hurt your mum or fall out with her, but you can gently and firmly move the boundaries.

My son is 17 so not quite an adult. He lives 2 hrs away but likely to be further away later this year. I make sure it is always less than 4 weeks. But since it's me that wants this I always make the effort to drive to see him. It's flexible so I can take him out for dinner or whatever. He comes to visit some weekends but I encourage him to prioritise seeing his friends when he is staying with me otherwise I worry he will lose touch with them.

People who don't respect boundaries are tough - especially if you've been trained to think this is normal (they are a parent!). It gets easier with time and practice

Totally agree with this. You've been trained over your lifetime to put her needs before yours. Expect some poor behaviour and n her part as you start to assert your own needs and boundaries.

My "D"M will happily tell everyone she talks to how awful me and my DSis are and how we don't ever have her over. She neglects to tell them the reason why obviously...

Actually, there is definitely a level of manipulation here. She wants you to feel sorry for her and to know she needs looking after and if you won't look after her, at least the dog is loyal.

Actually, there is definitely a level of manipulation here. She wants you to feel sorry for her and to know she needs looking after and if you won't look after her, at least the dog is loyal.

That's exactly how I read it too. In your DM's eyes you're not behaving and need to be brought back into line. She's telling you so that you come running to attend to her, again putting her needs before any you might have.

Yep, designed so you say oh no are you ok and get reeled back in.

Take space and leave her to it.
Change the key barrel to your door and stop her access.
You have every right to your own life and privacy.
This will only get worse.
Lean into this space from her and stop sundays altogether.
Establish from now on that Sunday is YOUR day to recharge for the week.
No further discussion required.

Mine live close by and I have their adult autistic siblings still living at home so they like to come home to see them as well as me. Generally they come most Saturday mornings for Brunch unless they have other plans. If I haven't seen ds on a Saturday he asks me to pop in for coffee on a Sunday when I'm walking the dog. If I don't see dd and dgs they tend to come for food in the week instead. So probably three hours a week is average.They invite themselves more often than not, I only invite them for Christmas Dinner and Easter Sunday really.

My mum doesn't drive outside her town and the train is getting ridiculously expensive when there's not a strike so it upto me to drive 3 hours away to see her - probably once every couple of months, I'd like it to be more often but what can you do? It has to be an overnight stay normally which isn't my idea of fun.

Late forties, mum mid eighties - a couple of hours after work midweek and 2-4 hours at the weekend.

When my dad was on end of life care I was there everyday, and the 18 months after was half a day, 5 days a week. It was through and immediately after Covid so no other support and not able to see friends.

Our relationship is much better now I’m back at work and she has her friends visiting. I live round the corner and work locally so I can be there in under 5 minutes in an emergency.

There's no right or wrong. There are so many variables. I see my parents about once every 3 months for 4 or 5 days each time but that's because I live hundreds of miles away. If I lived in the same street I'd probably pop in every day. If I lived in the same town I'd see them a couple of times a week.

Youngest is 21 and at uni. Currently she comes home every few weeks and we will spend most days together. Speak on phone every couple days . Message daily.

Eldest splits her time between us and bf house so see her 2/3 days a week. Message regularly too.
When she lived away we saw her every 6 weeks roughly and spoke a couple times a week

This is it Cady people know half the story... my sister does mid week visit. I do saturdays. Hour is plenty. Negative or quick mood change. Im tired after work too havent energy for her. Op think all families different and behave so. Oh my family dont take me away. Yep your difficult)

Twice a month for 4 hours. Less if I can politely get away with it. Mother is very needy and demanding. I would never EVER give her my house key. She would have absolutely no qualms about turning up when it suited her regardless of whether it suited me.

Now youve had a fall out, change the lock so she cant get in...when , if, you are talking, tell her you need notice and pre approval before she comes over as you need to live your life. You don't need to tell her youve changed locks, if she breaks your boundary coming over and trying to get in thats on her. Tell her its your house and you need it to be YOUR sanctuary but oc with prior planning she can see the kids etc. Don't borrow anymore money...thats her elastic

It wasn't "borrowed" so much as "we both paid for stuff whilst out together and she paid more than I did".

Your other points are sound.

I don't have children, the right guy kind of didn't happen.

My husband sees his parents every day, they walk our dog. They eat here once s week oe we'll go out once a week. We're going away with them for a week. Him and His dad run a charity together which takes up a few hours s week and follow the sane football team.

Luckily I really like them.

It wasn't "borrowed" so much as "we both paid for stuff whilst out together and she paid more than I did

And hats one difference then between our "D"Ms, if I ever take mine out she will happily let me pay for everything and her purse never comes out.

I haven't seen my mother in 15 years - she lives on the other side of the world (thank fuck) and I haven't seen my father in 35 years (no idea where he is, or even if he's still alive).

I don't like my parents much. The childhood they inflicted on me and my two brothers, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

My mother was a lot like yours when I did last live in the same place (30 years ago now). I was in my early 20s and she drove me so fucking mad I ended up having a massive nervous breakdown and attempting suicide. All she cared about was that I was going to 'bad mouth' her off to the psychiatrist. I then moved to the other side of the world to get away from her. Obviously that was the 'nuclear' option but it was the only one that was going to work.

Best advice I can give is to carry on as you are. Ignore all emotional blackmail like that frankly fucking pathetic message you got from her. I wish to God I'd been strong enough to do the same 30 years ago.

I'm so sorry that you had to suffer like that @FreeRider. Well done for getting yourself away

All she cared about was that I was going to 'bad mouth' her off to the psychiatrist.

In your shoes, I'd emigrate too. That's awful of her.