What is a reasonable amount of time for parents to spend with adult children?

[NCsoIcanactonthisIRL]

How long and how often do you, as adults, spend time with a parent or with your adult child (delete as applicable), assuming that neither of you is a carer for the other?

Number of hours per week/month and number of instances per week/month, please.

Context: I want to know if I'm unreasonable in my expectation of how long we should spend together.

Because "regular contact" can very definitely feel like an obligation, and something to dread. It depends on the people really, which everyone on this thread agrees.
For the OP, the contact is too much for her, so it needs to change - there has been some good advice about boundaries.

Distance and stage of life all play their part.

While my parents were abroad, it dwindled down from every school holidays down to, as an adult, once a year for a week at a time.

Then they retired, nd came 'home' to live. close to my DS and her DH and DC, their grandchildren, a two hour drive (each way) from me. We would see each other at some point over Christmas and in the summer, plus occasion lunches for eg birthdays and Mother's Day etc.

After my mother was widowed, I visited every week initially for lunch out, as she became more infirm I made lunch in her home then just listed her in her care home.

Distance, and stage of life.

yes it does depend on the people but that doesn't mean that visiting family you like is dependency.

Between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time

That's Gabor Maté and I think I'm going to buy the book that's from.

Edit: I’ve been a douchebag and not read the whole thread. Ignore my stupid post below. OP I’d go mad being sat on by anyone for that long every week.

I see my mother about 1-2 times a year for 5-10 days, as we live on the other side of the world from one another. I haven’t seen my father in over ten years.

Maybe we’re doing it all wrong! I eagerly await the OP’s pronouncement on what is reasonable!

We do doggie daycare for our daughter so 5 nights a week, mostly including a meal plus sometimes at the weekend.
Our DS is 200 miles away and we try and see him, for a few days, most months

I totally get that, and I can quite see why you're driven mad. My point was more of a general one in conversation with the very reasonable and hands off mother of adults that I quoted. I think we're both the opposite of your mother.

But occasionally I think that maybe I try too hard to read on eggshells so carefully, and that it would actually be okay (very occasionally) to actually ask something of them, or risk some unasked for advice (which they're not reluctant to give me!)

Are you scared to tell her you don’t want her over? How would she react if you told her you wanted Saturday to yourself? I think you need to massively firm up your boundaries. You sound very fed up. I would hate the routine of my mother being over every week. There’s a reason me and my brother moved as far as we could!

DD lives a mile away. See her for a couple of hours a month.

'Lose' yours and get the locks changed

Whatever suits parent and adult child. There isn't a right or wrong

DD, 1 full day every fortnight or so when we go on family day out. An evening out roughly fortnightly, theatre, meal or bars. 5 to 10 mins every week day for DGC drop off/pick up from mine.
DS1 meal together weekly for about 3 hours with DDil and GC. Occasional day out also with DDil and GC. DDil and I will go on the odd night out, maybe monthly but without DS, who babysits.
DS2 still lives with me. Eat together each evening then spend the rest of the evening watching TV or talking unless DC going out. About every three weeks or so we do something together related to a shared interest, see a band or a film. If both of us are at a loose end at the weekend we might also do something together. We are each others default company (when there's nothing better to do in his case!)

However much you both want to spend together.

I’m NC with my mum, so none. If we were still close and lived near each other, maybe once or twice a month.

We see MIL maybe every 8 weeks for a weekend (she lives an hour away). She comes to visit us for a night. We aren’t allowed to visit her because of her partner. I honestly can think of maybe 3 times in the 15 years Dh and I have been together that he has spent any time with her one-on-one without me or the dc.

I see DM who is in her 80's and recently widowed at least once a week. We chat usually by text most days.
She has been coming on holiday with us recently too.
She's easygoing & we get along really well and the kids adore her.

The inlaws on the other had are really hard work. We see them every 2-3 months. Totally different relationship.

We’re on holidays with ours now, we see them all every week, sometimes more, including their partners.

Daughter lives 20 mins away. Sometimes don't see her for a few weeks as she's incredibly busy with work and she and her husband need downtime together. Son lives in London though he's here just now in between jobs and see him 3-4 times a year.

I also have my own life!

My dad is 2.5 hours away he's 92 I wish he was nearer..see him every 4-6 weeks overnight or 2 though had a really big scare this week when we went down and he ended up in hospital...wish he was nearer now and I could see him little and often.

I think different ages have different needs.

But agree OPs situation isn't great.

I see my parents for a coffee at theirs 2 or 3 times per week but we live on the same street! We do a weekend away annually at an event we all enjoy. We tend to celebrate holidays (like Xmas) together with my sister and all the kids too. I see my sister 2 or 3 times a week too (often at the same time as seeing my parents).

However we all live on the same street and we signed up for frequent contact when we moved here!

Between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time

That's Gabor Maté and I think I'm going to buy the book that's from.

I've seen that quoted in the Elderly Parents section recently and it stopped me in my tracks. It's such a thought provoking statement, especially of you have a DParent who pushes boundaries.

I'm glad you're buying the book. That sounds like a very positive step

Depends on how well you get on, travelling time and family commitments. Everyone is different.

So, we had a bust up, I walked out, and I've not spoken to her since.

Unrelatedly, I owed her some money and she put the bill through the letterbox with a note about how upset she is that I walked out on her and how she thinks I should apologise to her etc. This was yesterday. I BACSed the money over.

Today I get this SMS: "Thank you for transferring the money. Hope you're OK. Nurse HerDDog is looking after me."

Unless she's actually ill, in which case she would have surely said "I have a headache" or whatever, I think this is meant to imply that she's laid up in bed with grief that I'm not speaking to her. Am I right?

I don't think she means she's ill, I think it's her way of saying she's ok as she has the dog to keep her company.

I think the same as you. She's feeling a little miffed and that's her way of letting you know. I wouldn't reply straightaway.

Give yourself some time to let it sit and then text her back something like, "I'm glad DDog is looking after you. I'll pop around on Saturday for a quick cuppa".

Depends. My DS and his girlfriend live 10 miles away. They can't visit us because she is very allergic to cats, so we tend to arrange to meet about once a week-we have lunch out, or do a trip to a big Asian supermarket or TKMaxx or something. I love making a picnic, so sometimes we'll pick them up from work and have a picnic tea. My dd lives further away, so we see each other about once a month or so-we'll visit and go for a dog walk with them and a drink at the pub. Or we'll go and dp will make Sunday lunch at their house. It's almost always them that initiates it though. Apart from the picnics. I'm pushy about picnics

Just depends what we’ve both got on, love to see adult DC and parents but both so busy and expensive to travel, it tends to be mainly just special occasions like birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day etc, try to get to see them 2-3 times a year in addition to that if possible

I see my mum once a week and speak to her either on the phone or via WhatsApp every day. I hope for similar with my teen ds one day.

My dad is dead. However when he was alive I saw him about 3 times a year. We weren't close, and I'm very close to my mum. As adults it depends on the closeness of the relationship I think.