What is a reasonable amount of time for parents to spend with adult children?

[NCsoIcanactonthisIRL]

How long and how often do you, as adults, spend time with a parent or with your adult child (delete as applicable), assuming that neither of you is a carer for the other?

Number of hours per week/month and number of instances per week/month, please.

Context: I want to know if I'm unreasonable in my expectation of how long we should spend together.

I have two adult sons both with families and I would say we see each other as often as practicable. On average perhaps two days a month for my son and his family who live farther away and more often but not so long on each occasion for my son who lives closer. I am absolutely blessed because my sons and their wives are happy to see us.

It depends so much on family dynamics and the current situation.
I see my mum (and dad if he’s at home) anything from 0-5 x a week.
We live very close, a 10min walk >3 min drive and my work is maybe a 2/3 min walk from her.
Before we moved there we lived a 3 hour plane ride and a 3 hour coach journey away. Then my mum and dad would visit very frequently for a week or so at a time and we would visit once or twice a year.

On the flip side we see my husband’s family less than once a year. We used to make the effort to travel to them 1/2 a year but in 5 years none of his family came down to visit us. And that was a 5 hour coach/3 hour drive/3 hours on the train kind of journey.

She has more friends than I do and two hobby groups and a fitness class.

I don't think she's properly left "mum mode" with me.

Change the locks asap, and don't give her another set.
Start with telling her you have things on and close your curtains.
Put headphones on and do NOT answer the phone or door.
She is NOT entitled to more time than you want to give.
Tell her that 6 hours on a sunday is no longer on and you need to decompress.
She should know this about you by now.
State your needs and protect them.
My daughter is similar and it is a non negotiable that I respect.
Change the keys asap.

Mum once or twice a month. Dad once every 2-3 months.
I see PILs most days because we live next door.

My daughter lives 15 mins away see her at least once a week often more text most days. Son and family live 4 hours away see them in person once a month but FaceTime 1/2 times a week to talk to DGC. Parents dead haven’t seen my MIL for nearly 2 years.

son and family and daughter plus sil all together this week for first time since a holiday in October - really looking forward to it.

3-4 times a year? Me and my siblings all moved abroad between the ages of 16 and 18.

Now I’m working, I’ll usually go visit for 4-5 days at a time twice a year. She’ll usually come see me for a weekend. We might meet another time for a family event / wedding. I’d say max 2 weeks total time?

This year has been unusual as I’ve had a few projects close to my hometown so I’m already there for 5 days by the start of June, and will also spend 2 weeks there in summer.

We’ll speak on the phone 2-3 times a week for say a half hour?

I do have to agree with Jhgdsd I think you're going to have to change the locks. You can probably do it by watching a video on YouTube and getting the things you need from B&Q.

My "D"M used to have a key to one of my old homes, I had to get it back off her pretty quickly but my DF helped me by "borrowing" if from her.

The things that you need aren't unreasonable at all.

Depends how annoying the parent and/,or child is.

I am 10,500 miles away from mum but speak to her for an hour once a week on Zoom and WhatsApp sometimes in between. I am in my 50s and she is nearly 90.

Put a chain or bolt on the door so the key doesn't work.

I see my adult kids about ten times a year - a few days at Xmas and Easter and then meeting up in restaurants for meals the other times.

You need boundaries with her if she wants to come over every week.

This isn't normal OP.

I see my parents for a few days every 3-4 months. We live far apart, but to be honest if we were closer it would still be unlikely to be more than once a month.

That's not because we aren't close - we are very close - but it's because we all have our own lives and are working and doing other things.

You need your own time.

I'm ND and my parents used to do this all the time. No respect for my boundaries. It would lead to massive arguments where they'd promise to never do it again but they would. I took away their keys, told them they had abused that privilege. Wouldn't let them in if they turned up unannounced, sometimes I'd go out if they said they called to say they were around the corner. My mother still pushes it and will turn up when she knows I'm not there to 'drop something off to the kids'. I rarely talk to her now.

Distance and whether you want to spend time with them/they want to spend time with you. You'll spend the time with them that you want to I think, whether that's face to face or on the phone etc if you live miles away.

We live a long way from my Mum and so visits are always a week. She came here for Christmas and we're going to visit her in the summer, it costs us the best part of £1K to visit her, it's cheaper for her to come to us but still 3 figures.

I am not being a cow as I know how hard it is but that's not how boundaries work, they are there for you not the other person. If she doesn't respect them you enforce them. There's loads of good stuff online and books about this.

Between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time - someone quoted that on here and i think it's a good one. If you can afford counselling/therapy that may help. You aren't responsible for anyone else's happiness.

Disagree, TBH.

My dad used to go and stay with his mum once every 6-8 weeks.

When he moved her to the same village, he popped in 3-4x a week.

most of us have lots of commitments- spouses, work, children, hobbies. Of course it’s harder to take out a weekend to drive for a visit 2-3h away if you are working with school age kids than to pop over on your way to Sainsbury’s/after you have made dinner to take some over if you are 10 min away.

I've just reread the bit about your DM inviting herself to your trips.

My "D"M does sound very, very similar.

I came to the realisation that she is not interested in seeing me, she just sees me as a tool to fill her time and for entertainment. My DM regularly says that she's coming in holiday with us. She can't walk very far and we usually walk somewhere everyday when we're on holiday. The other trick she pulls is that if she does know that we're away without her she'll have a medical crisis and will expect my DSis to sit all night with her in A&E and vice versa if my DSis is away.

So now we don't tell her anything. I'm sure if you've been on MN a while you will have heard if grey rocking? If not, loon it up

We literally tell her nothing. If we're talking I ask a lot of questions and let her talk about herself and that's fine, she likes talking about herself anyway.

My young adult dd lives at home so we see her daily.

My parents live a 3 hour drive away and we try to visit every 6-8 weeks, staying overnight.

Mil lives just under an hour away and we visit every 5-6 weeks for the afternoon/into the evening.

But it also varies throughout the year and it really depends on how busy everyone is at the weekend.

Flying visit (either way) - probably once a month. Properly seeing each other - maybe every other month? It's a bit of a sore subject at the moment, as we're currently out of favour (cute baby arrival!) so my parents prioritise seeing my brother over us and really rub it in my face.

Young adult son - away at Uni usually, but when home we probably see him 2-3 times a week. If he isn't at work, he's normally at his girlfriends!

I see my parents about twice a week - I try and see them to socialise and talk to without the kids once a fortnight, and we meet for a day out or dinner most weekends. Also tend to see them for a few minutes at handover of the kids (who they collect from school) weekly. We do have holidays together too.

I see my granny every Monday, plus once a month on a Sunday for a Chinese takeaway. I take her shopping if mum is away and we go on holiday once a year.

We are all close, but my granny and mum used to meet up every week even then they lived 150 miles apart. My brothers live in Central London (about 120 miles away) and still see my parents probably 20 times a year.

We have a relationship of adults and all get on well. My husband doesn't have any family at all so I think that probably skews it too .

I last saw my adult child 4 weeks ago and no idea when next meeting will be.

See elderly parent weekly for a whole day.

Could you be firm with her and say you need time to yourself on Saturday so you either want to see her every other Saturday, for up to three hours on Saturday, you’ll pop to her after your Sunday thing, go to her Friday evenings for dinner, she comes to you Friday evening etc etc?
If she resists then you may just have to be out when she arrives and then repeat your boundaries to her.

But you can live independently but still see family as part of your life , my dc have lives jobs spouses and mortgage they are not "obligated" to see us more than twice a year, we get on well so why not have regular contact?

DD and her partner come round for Sunday dinner around once a month. I saw her for coffee the other day, and I think she popped round to collect some post in the week as well. Either I or DH will text 3-4 times a week, or she will text us.

She lives 10 minutes away.