What is a reasonable amount of time for parents to spend with adult children?

[NCsoIcanactonthisIRL]

How long and how often do you, as adults, spend time with a parent or with your adult child (delete as applicable), assuming that neither of you is a carer for the other?

Number of hours per week/month and number of instances per week/month, please.

Context: I want to know if I'm unreasonable in my expectation of how long we should spend together.

See my mum & dad one night a week and again for a couple hours on a weekend usually. Don't live far from them. Speak to mum more or less daily.

Is there a reason you haven’t seen your DM for 5 years…i would be very sad not to see my adult DC for this length of time…life is short…..my DS1 lives in Canada …2 flights away……but even during covid I only went 8 months without seeing him …..does your DM have other DC that she sees?

I see my mum every day 🫣 but we have a hobby/ lifestyle that we share so it's kind of necessary and I understand it wouldn't be for everyone!

I face time my mum every day or every other day.
Probably see her for 1 - 2 hours in person, twice a month.

Only 10 mile away.

Shes not into shopping or hobbies, so its usually a house visit

We talk nearly every day...but see each other 1-2 times week..Maybe 4 -8 hrs a week i see my DD and youngest DGS. I have older grandson 2-3x week overnight.
My mother i dont speak to. Havent for a year. NC.

That's me, really. But I can't help thinking that it's kind of sad that we feel we should never ask or expect to see them. That we have to just accept what crumbs are thrown our way.

I'm lucky that my DDs aren't far away, and seen happy to see me fairly regularly. But it strikes me that as parents of adults we constantly have to hide our feelings, our opinions, our hopes of seeing them and basically pretty much just sit on our hands in every area, for fear of overstepping or sounding needy.

We can't just be open with them any more. It's hard. Especially when they have constant opinions on our lives, and don't hesitate to ask favours from us!

I totally get this. I feel like I am there to listen and support them when they have problems but they have no interest in mine or any empathy. I suppose that’s to be expected but it’s demoralising. You can’t let them know you miss them or find life empty without them. You can’t get cross when they mess up your house or behave without much care or consideration or it leads to rifts. You can’t express opinions if they challenge the DCs. Just put up and shut up and don’t expect much back. I feel sad about it.

Also if you don’t like their partners you have to keep quiet about it.

We have to keep quiet about everything!

See my parents at least once a week for 4/5 hours (on mat leave), sometimes twice. More when they were helping with childcare before second mat leave.

Talk on the phone to my mother at least once a day for about 15 mins.

Holiday all together for 1 week once a year.

Talk every couple of weeks, see each other about once a month. There's not really a right answer about what's reasonable in general, but it's definitely reasonable for how much you see one another to be dictated by both your needs and not just hers. So if she's lonely, is there another way to help such as a short phone call more often or a regular catch up that's less often but she knows is coming? Would it be less stressful for you to see her one evening after work? It's definitely fine to tell her she can't invite herself round - my mum would never do that and would hate me doing it to her - and to say you need time on your own. Your mum may well need human contact (and you should see her!) but it's reasonable to try and find a solution that's less stressful than the current situation.

I spend one full day each week with my parents and pop in a couple of times a week. We speak daily. I enjoy their company and we holiday together sometimes too. My adult DC call me daily and we often go away together for short breaks or longer family holidays. I love it but I know it would be too much for some.

I think you perhaps need to start making some excuses? You have a dreadful cold this Bank Holiday Monday and you do t want to pass it on?

Next Saturday, are you going for physio/meeting friends/have an urgent deadline?

I have a "D"M who would suck every last bit of energy from me given half the chance.

A couple of things that have helped me are:

never having a regular slot to see or talk to her as she very quickly expects that time every week.

Counselling really helped. It didn't even start as counselling about my "D"M but quickly turned to that.

Taking to my DF's about her entitled behaviour and whether my boundaries were acceptable.

Just wondering if you've read anything about Fear, Obligation and Guilt too?

As so many have said - there is no 'right and wrong' or no 'expected' amount of time but the important thing is, that it is right for both parties.

So, as it isn't right for you, you need to change it.
I agree with pp that having a set routine can become difficult to then break. So you might have to make some arrangements for some of the Saturdays over the next couple of months, to be out / away so she can't come to yours, and get out of the routine she has got in to.

You see, I'm having to hide my feelings of "for fuck's sake, can I have one Saturday to myself?" and my resentment just builds and builds.

You have a dreadful cold this Bank Holiday Monday and you do t want to pass it on?

She'd come over anyway.

She'd come over anyway

It's definitely time to start building up those boundaries then.

What would be a perfect Saturday for you? Have a think about what this wound look like and start arranging some of the things you think you'd enjoy, even if it's a day in bed.

I see my mum at least once a week , text daily , call most days , for friendly chats .
Same with my DF , call , chat , text , wats app .
Get along well with step parents , text them too.

You've identified the actual problem that this thread is about: her lack of respect for my boundaries. Thank you.

I lived with my DM til she passed away but if we had lived close I’d prob have seen her two or three times a week.

my DD lives with me but is planning to move out soon, if she lives within a 15 min drive we will prob see each other once a week, but will prob be more likely twice a month as she has a BF and they are in the honeymoon have to be together all the time phase.. Which is fine with me! 😂

You've identified the actual problem that this thread is about: her lack of respect for my boundaries. Thank you

I really feel for you. My "D"M has fuck all respect for my boundaries too. If I did one tenth of what she wants me to do I would completely drown. I do a FaceTime once a week and I see her once a week but at her place do that I can leave when she starts with her batshittery. She has previously been violent in my home, not towards me though but it gives me a perfect excuse not to face her here.

I would think about what you and to do next Saturday and then think about how you're going to tell her that she's not coming over. If saying you have a cold won't work, try D&V and don't answer the door.

Has she got a key to your place?

not to face her here

Not to have her here

I live on an island and my mum is mainland so probably 2 or 3 times a year but usually for a weekend or a week at a time. My young adult daughters still live with me so all the time but if they didn't I would suppose it would depend where they were in the world. When my eldest was at uni she was home for holidays we checked in occasionally by messenger in between but not regularly and rarely by phone.

If you look at it from her point of view, she's obviously lonely. Perhaps you can encourage her to get a hobby on the weekend. Or go somewhere she can make friends. She's obviously made you the centre of her life and it's hard for both of you. If she won't be encouraged to go out and meet people you'll have to be straight with her and tell her you will help her. Volunteering is a good way to make friends.

Has she got a key to your place?

Stupidly, I gave her a key. It's my first house and I didn't realise how invasive she would be.