Dating a guy with kids.. is this scenario normal?

[Darklava09]

Been dating a guy for 6 months we’ve both got 2 kids each.

he’s really struggling being away from them and has wobbles every time the firsts come around which is understandable

he dropped out to me the other day that his ex and the kids are going abroad in the summer. He’s really anxious something might happen to them and if they need him he wants to be there.

he said he’s planning on booking a flight out there for the same time they’re going but he plans to go to a different part of the country and stay at a different hotel on his own for the week. He says he doesn’t plan on visiting the children whilst they are there but his rationale is if something happens and he needs to be there such as if they injure themselves he can be there quickly. I said surely that’s going to play on his emotions more knowing his kids are on a family holiday having a great time and he’s only 10mins away but can’t see them.
he also wasn’t planning on telling his ex wife which I said was really unfair on her if she found out. I also said he needs to think about how his kids would feel if they ever found out he was in the same place but didn’t tell them.

his kids are 9 and 12…

when he told me I was a bit taken aback I’ve never heard of someone doing this. I get the anxiety and the worry but yeah. He said if I wanted to do the same for my kids he would get it but I don’t think he’d be happy tbh.

I don’t really know how to react to it or what to say… or even if he plans on going

It's hard to tell whether he's very anxious or whether he's controlling.

Either way, I don't think he's ready for a new relationship.

He hasn't successfully separated from his partner from the sound of it as he doesn't trust her to take care of the children on her own.

Not normal.

He's either still with her or he's controlling and is going to spy on them. Both scenarios are troubling.

Are you sure they're not still together?

Ooh no. Something is very off here OP.

Definitely not healthy at all. The guy needs help dealing with his feelings and working out if it’s anxiety, fomo, control, lack of trust….

I think he sounds extremely anxious. Obviously it's normal to worry about your kids but these actions are totally over the top. If I was the ex wife and later found out my ex was secretly staying nearby 'just in case', I'd find it very creepy.

Assuming their mum is a good parent and perfectly capable of getting medical help if one of the kids is ill or injured, what more does he think he can bring to the situation?

I think he needs to talk to someone about this anxiety.

he still going on the family holiday..

I don't think that's normal.

If everything he says is true then he's either suffering with extreme anxiety or there is some background with the ex that you don't know about (i.e. she's extremely negligent).

If it isn't true then they're either still together or he enjoys spying on her.

Every option is a red flag.

But more than any of that what really jumps out to me is that he wouldn't be happy if you did the same. Anyone who wants a relationship built on inequality should be told to do one as the earliest possible convenience.

If he's at the other side of the country, presumably he could get a flight out there quicker if something happened. I'd be angry if I thought my exDH was doing this. It's not normal.

Throw this one back . He’s clearly not over his ex or his family life. It’ll only get worse. His ex is presumably an adult and knows how to look after her kids. He doesn’t need to be there ruining her holiday. He frankly needs to get a grip and get over himself.

Are you sure they are really apart?

And it isn't normal nor healthy.

No op. No, this is not normal. You must know it's not normal to fly to a different country and hide somewhere in case your child who is with their other parent gets injured?!? There is no way on Earth this guy is remotely ready for a relationship. He has been using you. Run as fast and as far as your legs will carry you.

It sounds really off. I’d be wondering if they are going on holiday together and this is his cover story.

Not normal and not ok. Id be really worried if I found outmy ex did this. Its really creepy controlling behaviour. The solution if this is truly anxiety and nothing else is to seek help, medication and counselling. Doing the thing that you think will be reassuring doesn't help and can often make anxiety even worse. He's either controlling and creepy, has serious issues with anxiety and needs to get help before they worsen even further, or they're not really separated. There is absolutely no way in which this behaviour could possible be ok and acceptable.

But more than any of that what really jumps out to me is that he wouldn't be happy if you did the same. Anyone who wants a relationship built on inequality should be told to do one as the earliest possible convenience.
My XH is this kind of hypocrite, double standards are never a good thing.

Of course it isn't normal.

I've never heard this scenario before which makes me think he's still in the relationship. What proof do you have that he's separated?

I don't think it's normal but I did read recently of a woman planning to do exactly this when her ex takes the kids on holiday but I did find it odd.

I think he's just not ready at all for a new relationship. Sounds like he is not ready to really move on yet.

@Darklava09 absolutely not normal. Either he’s arranged to go on holiday with his ex and kids and made up some bizarre to you OR he’s got a very controlling side which doesnt bode well for your future. Either way, it’s sound like he’s not ready to be in a new relationship yet. How long has it been since he split from his ex? If he’s planning to follow his ex abroad without her knowing it’s also a bit creepy. You’re only 6 months in, the wise thing to do would be to let this one go.

It's a big red flag showing that his MH is poor. There could be various reasons why he wants to do this, none of them good. It's also not great that he lacks insight as to how irrational his suggestion is.
As its only been 6 months, I'd say its probably best to duck out of this. He's obviously carrying a lot of emotional baggage and hasn't yet managed to disengage, in a healthy way, from the family unit which doesn't exist any more. They are no longer a family unit, their time away from him is independent of him, but he can't accept that. He can't get over the idea that he isn't needed all the time.
Step away from this man, it will only cause you strife.

That behaviour is far from normal , at only 6 months in I’d seriously consider moving on .

He’s deffo separated he’s moved out into his own place not too long ago. He’s been unhappy in the relationship a while but never wanted to leave because of the kids…. I’ve known him a while so I remember him telling me this at work around 2 years ago and a lot of our colleagues know this aswell.

I don’t know if she’s got mental health issues he’s dropped stuff into convo about some of the things he’d have to do for her and it’s a bit strange like she won’t travel that far in a car, she won’t go somewhere if she’s going to be late, and from what I heard through others she was really controlling. He didn’t have a life at all outside the family home and when he started to do so she wasn’t happy about it at all.

he has a contact schedule with his kids and I’ve seen like messages between them now and again and it’s non existent only about the kids and kids only.

i think he suffers with really bad anxiety and I know he has OCD tendencies I’ve seen them. Sooooo yeah

This. And I’m not sure it actually matters whether his behaviour is driven by anxiety or a desire for control. It sounds incompatible with a new relationship.

Run. None of this is normal or healthy

I think you subtly need to push him towards seeking help for his anxiety, if he isn’t already. In the nicest way you can’t let him travel out abroad to a resort near them…. I think you need to basically spell it out that it’s basically stalking her … if she found out and then took it further re custody - imagine the courts perspective on things?!