Dating a guy with kids.. is this scenario normal?

[Darklava09]

Been dating a guy for 6 months we’ve both got 2 kids each.

he’s really struggling being away from them and has wobbles every time the firsts come around which is understandable

he dropped out to me the other day that his ex and the kids are going abroad in the summer. He’s really anxious something might happen to them and if they need him he wants to be there.

he said he’s planning on booking a flight out there for the same time they’re going but he plans to go to a different part of the country and stay at a different hotel on his own for the week. He says he doesn’t plan on visiting the children whilst they are there but his rationale is if something happens and he needs to be there such as if they injure themselves he can be there quickly. I said surely that’s going to play on his emotions more knowing his kids are on a family holiday having a great time and he’s only 10mins away but can’t see them.
he also wasn’t planning on telling his ex wife which I said was really unfair on her if she found out. I also said he needs to think about how his kids would feel if they ever found out he was in the same place but didn’t tell them.

his kids are 9 and 12…

when he told me I was a bit taken aback I’ve never heard of someone doing this. I get the anxiety and the worry but yeah. He said if I wanted to do the same for my kids he would get it but I don’t think he’d be happy tbh.

I don’t really know how to react to it or what to say… or even if he plans on going

I think it’s kinda ok and something I’d do in the early days of a separation?

Really wouldn’t worry that he’s back with her or controlling. Just sounds like he adores his kids and is a bit anxious.

Think he should tell his ex his plan, that’s the only weird bit of it for me

Agree to chuck this one back OP; it doesn't sound like he's ready to be dating. And, anxious or not, it is really weird that he would secretly fly to the same country his ex is going with their kids on holiday. I'd take what he said about her oddities with a grain of salt. He may be right, or there may be more to his 'woe is me' tales than meets the eye.

There wasn’t a very small window between him leaving her to us starting to see each other.

shes not moved on yet to my knowledge so it’s nothing about another man…

in terms of him moving job it’s not just that easy he pays for his children’s house and bills and his own soo.. can just stop.

he said he’s struggling not being with them and not waking up to the kids everyday.

from colleagues who know him and his ex… she was controlling he wasn’t allowed out… she would call him when they was on work dos telling him to come home etc

@Darklava09

You that why had *recently split

which rather contradicts

There wasn’t a very small window between him leaving her to us starting to see each other.

from colleagues who know him and his ex… she was controlling he wasn’t allowed out… she would call him when they was on work dos telling him to come home etc

well he left her? So he asserted himself then ok

I’ve known him a while so I remember him telling me this at work around 2 years ago and a lot of our colleagues know this aswell.

he told work colleagues that he has unhappy and only staying for the children?

lovely

and from what I heard through others she was really controlling. He didn’t have a life at all outside the family home and when he started to do so she wasn’t happy about it at all.

bloody hell. Despite being in a senior position, he really has spent a lot of time talking about how put upon and unhappy he was in his marriage to his controlling wife didn’t he

Red flag. Im quite the anxious parent but it wouldnt cross my mind to do this. Chuck him back.

Never get into a relationship with someone who has only recently got out of a relationship, especially a long term one.

His head will not be in the right place and you’ll be the one getting hurt.
You’ll end up being his therapist and someone to dump his emotions on/make mistakes with and not someone he actually wants to be with.

Step back until he’s in a better place.

It is normal to feel anxiety when your kids are going to a different country without you, especially if the other parent has their own struggles.

There have been plenty of women on here who are worried about their ex’s taking the kids to a different country.

But the level of anxiety he has isn’t normal and I feel being in a relationship with someone like this would get very tiring.

I see a lot of "chuck him back" type comments, and others stating with 100000% certainty that he must be going on the holiday with his ex. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt. He could be an overly-sensitive guy who loves his kids and hasn't quite got over how the divorce has broken up his family. He may have mentioned this as something he feels like doing in full knowledge that it's probably over the top behaviour.

Without knowing much about the rest of the relationship and what this guy is like, I feel a lot of these comments are a tad harsh. Everybody has a mixture of positives and negatives, and we're only hearing about the negative here - it's surely up to the OP to decide if she wants to give this guy time or whether the OCD tendencies are worth living with.

we are only hearing about the negatives here

because that is all the OP has provided us with

which kind of indicates that positives may be thin on the ground

@tanjaav do you have children?

Does it not occur to him that his ex might feel stalked with him following them abroad like this?

Hes obsessed with them. Could be anxiety, most likely controlling.

His ex absolutely had a lucky escape from him. Sounds like he’s a proper odd stalker. Definitely not normal - huge red flag (even more so telling his colleagues that she was controlling).

wheres he going that a “different part of the country” is just ten minutes away. And how will he make sure he doesn’t bump in them? I smell bullshit, he’s going with them.

anxiety
OCD
loads of colleagues talking about how controlled and difficult his marriage was (which will impact you if long term)
and now this

Keep this man aways from your children if you want to keep shagging him but seriously OP…. why??

It's too soon for a relationship, he's not really out of his marriage yet by the sound of it, and possibly will want to go back to his wife (or already does want to go back).

Shag away, but don't expect this to develop into anything serious.

Well he calls it being on hand just in case but I expect his ex would call it stalking Op. If he's so worried about his DC being away without him then he should have offered to go with them. He"s either not ready for another relatiomship or he's a very anxious man. I do think you may be wasting your time with him.

My DP would do this if we broke up. He used to follow me at a distance on walks when DS was a baby because he doesn't trust me. Everytime I come home the first thing he asks is "Any incidents?". He has left work to drive home because I didn't answer the phone immediately. In general he is very controlling about the food I made for DC, where I take them, what I say to them. I could never take them on holiday alone for example. And it's weird because I also now think I can't do these things, because I can't do them in a way that he will be happy with. Obviously I'd do them just fine alone. So yeah, against what others have said, I wouldn't suspect he's still married. I'd suspect he's anxious and controlling.

It's essentially a mental illness - but honestly it is no way to live and I would never in a thousand years have chosen this life had I know. If I were in your shoes now, with he choice to start afresh with a man like this, I'd say don't do it.

Jesus Christ. He's off his head op

what a way you choose to live

and your DC will think this is is normal

not normal. My first instinct was really bad anxiety, but I would consider there could be a control aspect here…

Tbh i understand lol. I've said the same thing to my friends before if my child's father was to take him abroad I'd want to be in the same country 😅 it's irrational I know and I'd never actually do it but i definitely can understand the anxiety.

I think the question is, is he genuinely anxious or could he be living a double life and is going to be with the 'ex'