Dating a guy with kids.. is this scenario normal?

[Darklava09]

Been dating a guy for 6 months we’ve both got 2 kids each.

he’s really struggling being away from them and has wobbles every time the firsts come around which is understandable

he dropped out to me the other day that his ex and the kids are going abroad in the summer. He’s really anxious something might happen to them and if they need him he wants to be there.

he said he’s planning on booking a flight out there for the same time they’re going but he plans to go to a different part of the country and stay at a different hotel on his own for the week. He says he doesn’t plan on visiting the children whilst they are there but his rationale is if something happens and he needs to be there such as if they injure themselves he can be there quickly. I said surely that’s going to play on his emotions more knowing his kids are on a family holiday having a great time and he’s only 10mins away but can’t see them.
he also wasn’t planning on telling his ex wife which I said was really unfair on her if she found out. I also said he needs to think about how his kids would feel if they ever found out he was in the same place but didn’t tell them.

his kids are 9 and 12…

when he told me I was a bit taken aback I’ve never heard of someone doing this. I get the anxiety and the worry but yeah. He said if I wanted to do the same for my kids he would get it but I don’t think he’d be happy tbh.

I don’t really know how to react to it or what to say… or even if he plans on going

How often does he have his kids?

@Darklava09 I genuinely don’t understand why women seem to jump into relationships with men fresh out of a break up and then a few months down the line start saying why are they doing this, why are they doing that? It’s pretty obvious a man fresh out of a long term relationship with kids cannot give you 100%. They haven’t had the time to adjust; to disconnect from family life. He shouldn’t have got into another relationship so soon and you shouldn’t have been so willing to date such a man. The red flags we ignore in the beginning are usually the very reason things end. He’s either agreed to go on a family holiday and telling you a pack of lies or he needs counselling. He’s not in a healthy mindset if he seriously wants to follow his kids abroad in secret when they are with their mum.

Get out of this asap.

i imagine his ex felt very very suffocated. I wonder what grief he gives her that you do t know about.

Yes he might have severe anxiety but your only 6 months in and it’s not your job to fix him.

OR he is actually very controlling and his anxiety is being triggered as he is not in control of his ex taking his kids abroad,

This behaviour is going to totally overwhelms your relationship

Every other weekend and an overnight in the week and then sees them twice a week for an hour or 2.

Every other weekend and an overnight in the week and then sees them twice a week for an hour or 2.

This^
I’m very anxious person but that’s beyond normal for me.
I agree with others that he’s not ready for dating and need to sort his emotions out first.

So his ex is, according to him, completely incompetent and needs stalking, but he hasn’t remotely pushed for anything more than the bog standard EOw & 1 night access to the kids?

Surely if she was as bad he says he’d have pushed for 50/50 at least?

Rather than his words listen to his actions. and run away.

I think even if it is that he's genuinely worried about his ex to the point that he'd do this, and it's not that he's over anxious or controlling, that its still a lot to take on. Only you can make the decision if you will put up with this. But personally, after only 6 months together I'd be walking away before I got any more invested. I can see further down the line him realising he's not ready for a relationship just yet and dropping you.

If I had to guess

"My ex was very controlling and it got worse over the years. I had to explain all my movements so couldn't go far from home as he would kick off. If I got invited out by friends he would kick off and deliberately make me so late there was no point in going out as it was so stressful and the rows afterwards were not worth it. He could do as he liked but I couldn't meet family or friends. He then started spending increasing time out of the house, always late with work and I had my suspicions about one particular female co-worker. In the end it all became too much and we split, he is now in a relationship with this co-worker. My family have been so supportive after the end of the relationship and we have booked a family break, me the DC and my parents are all off for two weeks holidays but I just found out Ex had booked a holiday ten minutes away from where we will be. What do I do, I can't get away from this controlling man, even though he's now in a relationship with another woman he won't leave me alone and just focus on the kids."

He can’t because of his job. He works at a high level and can only realistically leave work early on 2 days a week.

That's strange isn't it op? He's so worried that she can't look after them properly that he will stalk her to a different country and wait close by; but yet is fine with them spending 80% of their time with her; rather than get a job which allows him to see them more. Oh, and rather than go to court to fight for them to be with him more since she's utterly incapable, he got immediately on to sorting a new relationship instead.

How, just how, can you not see this man for who he is?

I've read your updates and still haven't changed from my first thought. Which is, something is not right here.

What exactly it is, you will need to decide if it's worth getting to the bottom of. For me, I would not, it's only been 6 months and I'm not sure I would be willing to be doing digging at this early stage.

But, how do you feel about him monitoring all your moves like this? . As it sounds like this is the way it may go.

How long after his seperation did you start dating?

Is his ex going on holiday with another man? This was one thought and he feels he needs to monitor this. There could be another man taking over a father figure for his DC on holiday, and it's not sitting well with him.

Like I say, many reasons.

Exactly. If he doesn't book something similar for the kids school trips then this isn't about the kids, it's about him wanting to be near his ex.

Throw this one back OP

My first thought was controlling.

How long have been separated? Whats his ex line - reliable or responsible? Why did they split up?

He either:

1. spying on them as he’s controlling
2. actually still with her even if he’s moved out and he’s fobbing you off about this
3. hes actually going away on his own or with another woman & feeding you this “protective dad” bs as a cover.

Either way something is up & you know it

i think he suffers with really bad anxiety and I know he has OCD tendencies I’ve seen them.

Exactly the type of guy i’d start saying when i have children

Aah, isn't it strange how a man can never have the children as primary parent because of his job? Such a strange coincidence that women's jobs are always possible.

And I 100% agree with the posters saying he is controlling. I bet his wife got to the point she was terrified to do.anything with the dc because of his anxiety and controlling behaviour. Like driving.

My mum has OCD. Living with a parent with OCD was absolute hell. As I child I was told everything I ever did was wrong. I was screamed at for not doing things 'right' (ie how my mum wanted them). Based purely on my own experience, I wonder if his ex's "couldn't do anything" was actually just her doing things differently to him.

I would end it before it ends badly.

The best case scenario is that he suffers from crippling anxiety. That's not exactly a good option. Worst case scenarious he's an abusive, controlling, stalking wanker. Medium case scenario - he's still with her.

Run.

Course he can change jobs and have his kids 50/50. He will likely have to take a pay cut (as many women do) and maybe reduce his hours or pay for child care. It will impact on his salary, pension and future promotions also time he can spend meeting new ladies and his hobbies but surely as a concerned father that is an acceptable price to pay.

So he can’t be that concerned about his ex or he’d have changed his job!

Maybe he is going on holiday with them but doesn’t want to tell you.

Read the book ‘Women who love too much’ by Robin Norwood.

@Darklava09 if your children were being neglected by a parent you felt was completely incapable would you stay in your high level job and leave them there?

I bet you wouldn’t. No decent parent would.

My DH was widowed. He left his high paying high level job to work hours that fitted around his DS. Thats what parents do when their children need them.

They don’t leave them with a parent so incapable they need stalked on a holiday.

This. None of these options are good.

I also really don't think he can fool you that the reason he's going is because he's worried about the DC when he allows her to do 80% of childcare.

Come on OP, you're not that daft. LTB

None of the options are good in a potential partner:

• he has anxiety and OCD which are so all consuming that he makes ridiculous decisions and cannot function normally, which would hugely impact upon you.
• he has a codependent relationship with his ex or isn't over his family break up, which would hugely impact upon you.
• he's lying to you about the holiday which is a deal breaker. They're all desk breakers really.

This.

OP, I also think there is a good chance that he's attributing his own mental health difficulties (those "OCD tendencies" you've already seen) to his ex. I was in a relationship with a man with significant mental health difficulties and the way he told it, it was his exes (plural) who had the problems. His own behaviour was perfectly fine in his eyes, or if not quite perfectly fine, at least explainable/justified. For example, one day he got panicked that the kitchen was dirty. (It wasn't - no reasonable person could have looked at it and seen anything but a clean and tidy kitchen.) He wanted to disinfect the insides of the cupboards, and when I wouldn't help him with it, he decided that I must be so frightened of all the germs that I was trying to force him to clean without me. I've had no contact with him since we broke up, but I have little doubt he will have represented that incident to his next girlfriend as, "My ex was so completely germphobic I had to clean everywhere by myself. She didn't do her fair share of housework." The idea that I saw a spotless kitchen where he saw a festering mess was beyond him.

Maybe I'm extrapolating too much from my own experiences, but when I read that bit about this man's ex "never wanting to go anywhere if there was a chance she might be late", I immediately wondered if she ever spent so long soothing his anxiety before she went out that she gave up on the idea of going out at all, perhaps because there would have been no time to do what she wanted to do. My ex would definitely have turned a situation like that into, "She's scared to be late." As I say, maybe I'm reading too much into it - but does it not strike you as odd that this woman who is apparently paralysed by the fear of being late has planned a trip abroad with her kids? Travel is notoriously full of delays and unpredictable happenings. Is it likely that she'd be doing it if she had all these problems and they were truly as severe as he says?

Bin him, he’s nuts