Dating a guy with kids.. is this scenario normal?

[Darklava09]

Been dating a guy for 6 months we’ve both got 2 kids each.

he’s really struggling being away from them and has wobbles every time the firsts come around which is understandable

he dropped out to me the other day that his ex and the kids are going abroad in the summer. He’s really anxious something might happen to them and if they need him he wants to be there.

he said he’s planning on booking a flight out there for the same time they’re going but he plans to go to a different part of the country and stay at a different hotel on his own for the week. He says he doesn’t plan on visiting the children whilst they are there but his rationale is if something happens and he needs to be there such as if they injure themselves he can be there quickly. I said surely that’s going to play on his emotions more knowing his kids are on a family holiday having a great time and he’s only 10mins away but can’t see them.
he also wasn’t planning on telling his ex wife which I said was really unfair on her if she found out. I also said he needs to think about how his kids would feel if they ever found out he was in the same place but didn’t tell them.

his kids are 9 and 12…

when he told me I was a bit taken aback I’ve never heard of someone doing this. I get the anxiety and the worry but yeah. He said if I wanted to do the same for my kids he would get it but I don’t think he’d be happy tbh.

I don’t really know how to react to it or what to say… or even if he plans on going

That's not normal, no.

Imagine him doing this to you op.

thats not normal no and you’re right to point this out to him, and also point out that his ex wife might find that very controlling. If he’s that concerned he’s planning to fly overseas then he needs some help with his anxiety for sure

No I said if my ex did this to me and the kids I’d be furious!

it’s deffo not normal… but he literally has such a strong attachment to his children and he said he’s not used to the fact he’s not going to be there for everything at the moment.

A few things pop out for me here. If she was such an anxious person and really not confident on doing certain things, she definitely wouldn’t have booked an abroad holiday with 2 children alone.
I think there’s more to this. Also, they are 9 & 12, they aren’t babies that need one on one close interaction. This smells off….

So they have only very very recently split?

have your kids met?

he sounds profoundly controlling

100000000000%%%%

No this isn't right at all.
It's either his anxiety manifesting as an extreme over reaction. Or more likely in my opinon, he's off on a nice jolly with the ex and kids, knows you won't stand for that, and has made up an excuse as to why he's going.
Either way I'd be out of the relationship pronto.

Do you know why your bar is so so low op?

I believe she’s not going alone possibly with her own family but not sure.

And in answer to other questions

yes they’ve recently split
no our kids haven’t met each other yet and won’t for a while
and my bar being so low? Hmmmm interesting comment 😂

Interested in this thought?

I’ve had a shitty upbringing so have stood for a lot of shit and recently left my own long term relationship after being treated less than favourably for many years and then plucked up the courage to leave.

Controlling or anxious and not ready for a relationship, chuck this one back.

His 12 year old could be off on the school ski trip or other overseas trips this year and he wouldn't be booking a holiday to the same place and that's with a far lower adult to child ratio. It's weird he doesn't trust her to take them away.

I know he has OCD tendencies I’ve seen them

I bet her side of the “he has to do everything as she can’t” story would be very interesting

why am i not surprised they’ve recently split?

you’ve been seeing him 6 months

let me guess,,, they split 7 months ago

Another man whose ex has "issues" ... another man claiming his ex made his life miserable and she was controlling... sigh.

He's sounding dangerously close to being a coercive controller...I'd love her side of the story.

Recently split means they probably booked the holiday while they were together.

He doesn't want to miss the chance to go on holiday with his kids.

He doesn't want to tell you the truth.

Tell him that you will go with him. He's apparently in a different place and not planning to see the kids. So he won't have an objection. Right?

Plus if she is going on holiday with other adults..then his kids would have other person about if something went wrong.
Sorry OP...he's either very very controlling or is going on the holiday...might be a make or break holiday for them

Your bar being low is what absolutely everyone has said, so I'm not quite sure why you've honed in on my exact wording.

Yes, I had imagined your past experiences have resulted in your not being able to understand that your expectations should be far far higher.

You've detailed to us an exceptionally selfish, controlling man who anyone with a healthy sense of what is acceptable wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Really good point and one I hadn’t thought of.

for example my sons going on a school trip next month and I’m fine about it. Of course worried but I’m fine.

I also said if my kids go away with their dad then I have to get used to that. I wouldn’t then follow him to the country secretly.

No nothing to do with your wording it’s just you’ve suggested my bar is low..

which to me is interesting because am I being accepting of this because my self worth at the moment is low? That was all. Just was interesting you’d picked up on it.. nothing untoward 😊

Something I always ask when these men, and he’s not alone, claim their exes are incapable of pretty much anything - why do they still have primary care of the children?

If the woman is that incompetent and incapable why is he not in court fighting to be the RP, or at least for majority care?

It’s amazing how she can’t do anything or go anywhere yet has the children most of the time and has booked to go on holiday with her family? Those things don’t balance.

When you say you’ve seen his OCD in action in which way have you seen it and are you sure it’s OCD and not controlling behaviour?Is it checking locks a certain number of times or is it stalking his ex on her holiday? Massive difference yet some people try and hide the second by claiming the first.

So, basically when everyone says 'run for the hills' / 'dump him' etc- they are all saying the same thing - that these aren't behaviours that a person should tolerate in a relationship, ie your bar is low.

Yes, your low self esteem is evident here, you deserve better than this, or just be single which is also better than being with someone selfish and controlling.

Please keep up with the counselling, and dump this man, to get you where you need to be in your mind.

So I’ve seen the turn the plug sockets off, has to line shoes up at the bottom of the stairs like if I kick mine off and they are all over the place they have to be in line… he’s open about the ocd I’ve seen him turn pots to the right way round whereas I’m pretty scatty at times so things can be everywhere 😅

I do agree I said to him they are with their mom. If you need to go you can get a flight out there.

I questioned if he’s ready to be away from his family and he thinks I’m questioning him on being separated from her which im not.