Dating a guy with kids.. is this scenario normal?

[Darklava09]

Been dating a guy for 6 months we’ve both got 2 kids each.

he’s really struggling being away from them and has wobbles every time the firsts come around which is understandable

he dropped out to me the other day that his ex and the kids are going abroad in the summer. He’s really anxious something might happen to them and if they need him he wants to be there.

he said he’s planning on booking a flight out there for the same time they’re going but he plans to go to a different part of the country and stay at a different hotel on his own for the week. He says he doesn’t plan on visiting the children whilst they are there but his rationale is if something happens and he needs to be there such as if they injure themselves he can be there quickly. I said surely that’s going to play on his emotions more knowing his kids are on a family holiday having a great time and he’s only 10mins away but can’t see them.
he also wasn’t planning on telling his ex wife which I said was really unfair on her if she found out. I also said he needs to think about how his kids would feel if they ever found out he was in the same place but didn’t tell them.

his kids are 9 and 12…

when he told me I was a bit taken aback I’ve never heard of someone doing this. I get the anxiety and the worry but yeah. He said if I wanted to do the same for my kids he would get it but I don’t think he’d be happy tbh.

I don’t really know how to react to it or what to say… or even if he plans on going

Elaborate attempt to explain why he's abroad on holiday same time as his ex and kids. Clearly all going together. Im assuming he didn't invite you?

Pounds to pennies that he is still with her.

Tbh I've thought about doing something similar the first time my baby goes abroad without me (when he's bigger) as being so far away is so stressful for me. Like if they went to Mallorca to a family hotel maybe I'd go and do a yoga retreat the same week or something - I would tell the ex but not the child as it would be just in case of emergencies. Thats also due to not trusting the ex to comfort him properly

Nothing about this is normal the red flags everywhere

🚩🚩🚩
That is absolutely not normal behaviour towards his ex. You say that you’ve heard that she was controlling in the relationship, that may be what he’s told you / others, but his actions post separating very much suggest that he is the controlling one. Get away whilst you can.

OP, I would take some time to consider two things:

1. What do you actually know about this man and his previous relationship - not what he's told you, but what you actually know. For example, you don't know that his wife was controlling, you only have his word for that. You do, however, know that he is planning to stalk her internationally!!! That is really, really creepy and I would end a relationship for that immediately.

1. PP makes a good point about your bar being low. I would explore more your feelings about your low self esteem and why you have not already ditched this creep. You deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who has got their shit together, sure everyone has baggage but this man is a parade of red flags one after the other. Sadly it's very common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another, if I were you I would do the Freedom Programme to learn more about this and develop some strategies to prevent it happening again. It's good that you recognise the link between your self esteem and your acceptance of poor standards in a relationship, but now do something about this and don't just carry on.

I had this kind of behaviour by Dps ex wife who had even written it into her divorce terms that she should join us on holiday ( same country and different resort). I found it obsessive and controlling behaviour. Luckily after she met me she backed down. ( hr was already divorced when we met so I had nothing to do with their split). On holiday she will call and ask kids every minute details of their holiday and they have to call her twice a day which can be really disruptive to the flow of our day. When my kids go away with ex H, even when they were little I would call for 5 mins or opt out all together as I didn’t want to unsettle them and they would start to miss me ect. So he’s just send me pics and that would work for me as I felt secure enough to know they are my kids and they will always love me. I don’t think Dps ex wife is mature enough for this as she will try and upset kids by telling them what they are missing out on / that she really really misses them,
I do think perhaps it’s too early to be in a relationship eigh him and working together might be awkward if you split up. He doesn’t sound amazing tbh there’s a diff between being a good father and a control freak.
if there was really a safety issue with his wife, then surely he wouldn’t leave kids with her full stop and would be battling for 100% custody?

I had this kind of behaviour by Dps ex wife who had even written it into her divorce terms that she should join us on holiday

no she didn’t
your DP told you that

absolute bull shit

I saw the divorce papers! How dare you?

This. (Ever notice how many threads there are on here regarding shit men whose jobs 'can't' change in order for them to parent the kids they chose to create?)
Best just swerve men altogether until you've worked on your standards and self esteem OP. This man is waving red flags right in your face.

@steamedisbest even the first time I met his ex and we had sat down for tea she mentioned she might want to go abroad with us! I am not sure why you want to doubt what I’ve said and insinuate that my Dp is a liar. What would he gain from telling me that apart from making me feeling uneasy about going on holiday with him and his kids which is the opposite of what he wanted to do! I just came on here to share my experience!

In the kindest way this is a you problem. How will he learn?

WHAT?!

None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

So he isn't going to tell his ex wife that he's flying out? So how will he know if there's an emergency / anything goes wrong? Because if (big IF) he's telling the truth then why would his Ex ring him if anything goes wrong if she thinks he's in another country...? Even if she did ring him what's he going to do?! Pop up from behind the bushes and shout "Surprise I'm already here".

Also Ex is going with her family so that's (probably) multiple adults to supervise a 9 and 12 year old. How much looking after do you think kids that age need???

Sorry but he sounds like he's either a control freak or they're still together in some capacity...

Either way I would get rid because this is absolutely not normal. Literally red flags EVERYWHERE.

100000% going on a family holiday and doesn't want to tell you the truth. Bin.

@Darklava09

I feel for him. Being separated from kids is tough and their first vacation abroad is horrendous. Especially of you have underlying anxiety.
In my case - at least ex went on holidays with a group of friends and a friend I trusted was there and kept an eye on them.

But I do understand how he feels.

Lots of people struggle being separate from kids when they travel abroad. Parents have been known to travel to other countries when kids go on school trips abroad. This is similar in a way.
Yes, it’s not completely healthy, but it will get better with time.

As to him - he really should go for 50/50 custody and sort out childcare while he is at work. It’ll be better for him and the kids as he does seem like an involved parent.

If you like him - stick around and let him navigate it on his own. Don’t ‘tell’ him what you think he should do - just be there.

It was in both! Not sure what you are trying to achieve here?

All of this!

Yes, which is why I can kind of understand the anxiety about not being there for his kids (even if it is clearly ott behavioiur).

It's sad really, he could be excited about spending more time with you for that week and instead he's full of anxiety and focussed on his ex. I think you deserve a lot more.

@Darklava09 what happened in the end with your relationship with this man and also is he still flying away nearby his ex on holiday?