He went to a strip club as a 'one off', but now is going to Hooters... Help me end this OLD tangle please!

[PinkCardigan93]

Met a guy OLD and have been dating for a couple of months. He is keen - I'm the one trying to take things slowly.
He works away a lot - travels abroad etc which is fine as I do too. However he was away last week and admitted to me one morning that he and the team had been into a strip club the night prior. He said he didn't enjoy it and spend the night on his phone watching boxing. I said I appreciated his honestly, and that he doesn't owe me an explanation as we're not technically a couple, but that I do find men going to those places a bit of an ick. He said it was a one off. We move on.

However, he's away on another trip tonight and has just told me he and the boys are all going to a Hooters bar for dinner.

He's in a cool city, they could go anywhere. But they're going to a Hooters. It's telling me a lot about his work culture and I just don't want it in my life. It's a big ick, and though I trust him, I barely know the guy.

A little part of me actually thinks he's doing this as an attempt at making me jealous - as he has been much keener than me in the interaction between us.

I just want to end it. It's stressing me, and in not comfortable. What do I tell him?

*I'm not comfortable

Just end it, you don’t need to justify yourself.

@Candleabra he's meant to be taking me away to a spa for two nights when he's back next week. I feel I want to be fair and give him some explanation...

He's testing your boundaries, he's telling you who he is and how it's going to be. Beware.

I’d pretty much tell him what you’ve said here. I’d find it a bit off putting too.

I'd just message to say 'Appreciate your honestly regarding the strip club and Hooters visit but our values are too different for us to continue in a relationship. I wish you well.'

Absolute deal breaker for me too.

Listen to your own judgement. Just end it. It won’t improve.

If you want to end it, honestly do. You owe this guy nothing (apart from to end it in as polite and compassionate a way as you can I would say - ideally don't ghost or anything as that's unnecessarily hurtful, as the many threads on here about it show).

You can dump a prince among men if you just aren't feeling it. You don't need a reason.

I like you despise strip clubs etc, because they are so often full of trafficked or otherwise coerced women.

This man may feel pressured by work colleagues to go, he may indeed not enjoy it.

But it does show, at the best, he is not strong enough to stand up against colleagues for what he truly believes in.

You have a good point, I think. And anyway you don't need anyone's permission. You can end it at any time for any reason.

I agree that you don’t need to justify yourself.

You could tell him that you’d prefer to meet someone who shares your dislike of such places, but ultimately it’s not going to make any difference. Would you want to keep seeing him even if he promised to never go to a sleazy bar again? He’d just get better at hiding it. If he was so bored in the strip club why didn’t he just leave?

This is great. Super simple, clear and doesn't get into messy language.

My DH colleagues in the US (Texas) took him and his UK teammates to Hooters. He thought it was all a bit tacky but nothing else.

He left that company soon after as he didn't care for the culture.

💯 this

Ok - that's great thank you. Is it very cruel if I do it via text? 😬I feel over the phone he's going to try and drag it into a conversation.

He's had flowers and chocolates posted to my house while he's been away. I feel quite guilty as he does seem a nice guy and I believe that he's not into it all. But as one poster said, I'm not sure he has the back bone to not go along with his colleagues.

Whether he likes it or can't stand up for himself, both are a turn off for me. And I can't be bothered to analyse it, I just want out.

What is his job role @PinkCardigan93 ?

I am all for people having fun etc, but he seems to be almost bragging about the types of places they are going as a team.

My partner has just been in the US for two weeks for work. His team went to a theme park!

Hooters and a Strip Club are very different. I genuinely don't think he is trying to make you jealous, many folk I know including women have ticked off visiting a Hooters on holiday as its seen as a bit of an American institution and part of the culture. Me? I think it's pretty tacky.

I wouldn't be best pleased about a strip club, but wouldn't really care about Hooters.

It really is up to you what your boundaries and comfort levels are. You don't owe this man anything and are free to end things at any time for whatever reason you chose. 🙂

Do you want to do the spa break first as a last hurrah then end it? Use condoms with him x

He's part of the pit crew in a race car team @UpUpUpU

I think that romance stuff is a signal he wants to be like an alpha male I'm masculine you're feminine kind of thing, and part of that is the laddy pervy culture of his workplace

@Unexpectedlysinglemum haha we already had a hurrah, but this has really turned me off

It's also a bit weird that he tells you this stuff so early one. If he's getting dragged there with work he doesn't need to mention it's hooters he can just say going out for food and drinks with colleagues. It's almost like he's trying to provoke you or test you or make you insecure

That’s a massively alpha male culture - the strip club wont be a one off, and sending chocs, flowers etc seems ott at this stage. If you’re not happy then say that, and I think it’s fine nowadays to do it by text.

I couldn't get worked up about Hooters. I've been to one in the US when on a trip with a female friend. It was tacky as hell but not especially seedy, and I doubt any of the Hooters waitresses have been trafficked into it.

Posted too soon, BUT if it bothers you, or his willingness to go along with peer pressure does, then of course you've got every right to call it a day.

Well..pit crew for racing car? That is going to be the milieu he is in. He could be a loner who forges his own way and says “Nah, I’m going to a museum or on a nature walk” but he’s not.

Just be polite and end it unless you really love him and see a future outside his work/hobby.

You really don't owe him a huge conversation. A simple this isn't something I want to pursue, let's call it a day is plenty.

Either he can't stand up to people and just goes along with whatever they want to do rather than say actually, I don't like this or he likes strip clubs and hooters and lacks the guts to be honest with you so he pretends he's being made to go but doesn't like it, honest.

Either way, he's weak. And weakness is deeply unattractive imo.