He went to a strip club as a 'one off', but now is going to Hooters... Help me end this OLD tangle please!

[PinkCardigan93]

Met a guy OLD and have been dating for a couple of months. He is keen - I'm the one trying to take things slowly.
He works away a lot - travels abroad etc which is fine as I do too. However he was away last week and admitted to me one morning that he and the team had been into a strip club the night prior. He said he didn't enjoy it and spend the night on his phone watching boxing. I said I appreciated his honestly, and that he doesn't owe me an explanation as we're not technically a couple, but that I do find men going to those places a bit of an ick. He said it was a one off. We move on.

However, he's away on another trip tonight and has just told me he and the boys are all going to a Hooters bar for dinner.

He's in a cool city, they could go anywhere. But they're going to a Hooters. It's telling me a lot about his work culture and I just don't want it in my life. It's a big ick, and though I trust him, I barely know the guy.

A little part of me actually thinks he's doing this as an attempt at making me jealous - as he has been much keener than me in the interaction between us.

I just want to end it. It's stressing me, and in not comfortable. What do I tell him?

@CheeseWisely I feel like, Hooters itself wouldn't bother me. But the strip club THEN this very quickly is giving me an indication of the world he works in, and I'm not attracted to that being something I have to contend with in my life. It kinda repulses me.

@pikkumyy77 the loner you speak of sounds MUCH more of a catch to me! Point me in the direction of that guy please. 😂

Maybe its just me, but in every relationship I have had I have had to compromise on something that I was not 100% with - realistically is there anyone out there who ticks every single box 100%.

Strip club thing I get - but it's early on with you both and I don't know whether you would have discussed such a thing. The fact he told you is a good thing (?) as it would have been easy not to say anything.

Hooters is different - my young son went there with his aunt & uncle when he was 8 or so. It may not be everyone's cup of tea but it does actually do good wings!! I have been on many work meals and never had a choice where to go (never been to Hooters with work) so unless he is booking it he just needs to go along with it

I have been to Hooters in the US loads of times, love their Wing Wednesdays! I don’t regard it as much different to any other sports bar crossed with TGI Friday!

I would send a polite message like the one suggested or spell it out even more explicitly

'hi Steve, thanks for your honesty, I do appreciate it. However, we've only been dating a couple of months and this last week you've been to a strip club and Hooters now. I think our values are too far apart. If I'm honest, I think I'm looking for the kind of man who would have turned down the strip club on principle at least. I'd like to leave things here as I feel quite uncomfortable continuing to accept such things when really I don't want strip clubs etc to play any role in my life at all. I wish you the best'.

I wouldn't really want to discuss it, he could have said no and eaten elsewhere even if was simple work peer pressure.

A new relationship is precarious and he should have given that more weight.

Hooters, meh, I don't love it but waitresses in, what, shorts and low cut tops, I wouldn't have written him off for that but yes, I would have expected my partner to refuse a work trip to a strip club for many reasons. Twice in a week going to look at other women (with the potential risks to those in a strip club) is a bit much.

He's either happy enough to go to these places, incapable of saying no or works in an industry where this is standard and he makes no attempt to counter it on principle, even quietly just for himself. All equally weak and unattractive.

I appreciate boundaries, and you're right to have them, but I see this as a damned if he does, damned if he doesn't thing.

If he goes and tells you, it's ick.
If he goes and doesn't tell you, it's dishonest, a red flag/deal breaker.
If he doesn't go, he's not social, and one of 'the guys' at work, which will hold him back.

From what you've said, apart from this, he seems like a nice guy. I get the impression it's all peer pressure, and as my partner always says, visibility gets promotion.

It's not right, but unless he changes jobs, he's pretty much got to choose between career or relationship.

Is Hooters really that bad? I just had a Google as wasn’t sure what the women wear who work there and it says they are mostly child friendly, the servers were attractive clothing etc and some flirt with the customers. Obv I’ve never been but if my DH got taken by his American colleagues I’d prob just roll my eyes. From what I read there is no nudity and no stripping etc. but if it’s giving you the massive ick so early in then listen to your gut.

She's not asking if she's right to dump him, she's asking how.

Absolutely.

I think with Hooters here, not speaking for the OP, but I'd feel it's the spirit of it. Maybe different if part of a mixed friendship group as a one off or something but the same work party who went to a strip club the weekend before it's definitely seedy.

@C1N1C bollocks. If he is reliant on going to strip clubs with the boss to get ahead at work then he is not a sensible bet because he is visiting temporarily from the 70s. The stench of Kouros and kipper tie should give it away.

He's testing your boundaries and showing you how they spend their time when working away - in seedy fashion. It's not for you, wouldn't be for many, and that is fine. He works in a male dominated job where there is a culture of objecifying women and will be away a heck of a lot, probably mostly over weekends, when races are usually held. Not really very practical for a relationship, although you work away at times, I'd guess that's more in the week? You could be ships passing in the night. His dating history may be a string of short term things as a result.
After only a couple of months, it's fine to do it over text.

Hooters is a bit of a novelty to
be honest - if your in a city such as Vegas it’s kind of a thing to go too. I mean my hubbie and I did for a drink when we were on Vegas.
I wouldn’t overly bothered by a strip club or hooters if I was happy in a relationship , are you happy?

If it's a boundary, giving you the ick just end it.

As others have said. A quick 'it's not working for me so I wanted to let you know now as I'd not feel comfortable going away' thanks but no thanks message

I had an ex who thought that the answer to everything was chocs and flowers. He was massively manipulative about getting his own way but made himself look very big and generous by flashing cash, big presents [no thought into them] and endless flowers.
I would text him using @Sparkletastic suggestion. He will call you, then send you flowers, and perhaps a few more before giving up.

Ultimately, this is the culture he works in and he'd either already be swerving it because it's not his cup of tea, or he'll just move to lying about it. Your call as to whether it's really off-putting or you just don't want to know about it.

I think @Sparkletastic s message has it covered.

If that's the work culture he's in, then it's not going away any time soon, and I couldn't be arsed with it.

It's early days and anything that makes you a bit uncomfortable, even if it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for others, is 100% OK to end things.

In my experience, men on OLD argue for the right to change their ways... "you're being too hasty, give me a chance, I'll never go in a strip club again..." blah blah. Or they just say that actually you're really wrong about your perfectly valid reason because x, y, z and generally act really hard done by. So I'd keep it short and probably not mention the stripclub/hooters and just say you don't think you're right for each other but wish him all the best etc (which is the truth). You don't owe him chapter and verse. By text is fine after 2 months imo.

Ok so I messaged him about an hour ago!

So he'd messaged telling me about hooters so I replied and put...

'Sounds like a busy day! I appreciate your honesty re the strip club and now Hooters later, but it's confirmed for me I don't think we're very compatible. Our values aren't aligned and I think were too different to pursue a meaningful relationship. But it's been great getting to know you!'

He's replied with laughing emojis saying that his manager booked it for the team.

There’s a Hooters in Nottingham.. so hardly an authentic American experience!

.. and Block him

Don't reply. He's laughing at you? Twat. He doesn't deserve any more of your time.
I wouldn't block, I'd just ignore any and all further communication from him.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with someone going to a very occasional strip club, but I realise other people have different boundaries, and you were prepared to move on from that. However, Hooters is nothing at all like a strip club and I don't understand why you would consider ending a relationship for him having gone there.

Did you reply to him?

Strip clubs woukd be a no go for me too, not sure hooters would be so bad. X

Time to block his number now he has received your message, @PinkCardigan93 . You don’t need to continue with any conversation.

I hope you find a nice loner museum bloke too!

@TrishyLou1111 I haven't replied no. Hooters alone wouldn't bother me. It's the combination.

We've been seeing eachother two months but these are the first two weeks he's worked away - and now he's likely to be away regularly till November. It's just so telling about the laddish environment he's working in.

I get that others would be fine with it. And I've had long term relationships where I trust someone and they've gone to a strip club on a stag do - I can deal with that.

That's not what's bothering me. What's bothering me is while working away there seems to be a very quick pattern emerging where the team frequent establishments where women are sexualised and objectified. And it's gross.

Yeah, I get it.

Overall, two months in, I don't think I'd be fine with it either. X

Dont end it yet wait till you get the spa weekend out of him then dump him.
😆😆
You're be more relaxed to dump him after the spa think of it as payback if he`s paying.
Play it cool op play it cool mentally its over if he can faff about why not you take something from it.

Please ignore the above advice sorry op i saw an opportunity.😁

Just draw a line under it. 'Hey, I'm calling it a day, have a good life, PinkCardigan' and then block. It's been about 8 weeks, I have stuff in the fridge that probably should have been relegated to the bin 8 that long ago. Definitely some pesto festering in there.