He went to a strip club as a 'one off', but now is going to Hooters... Help me end this OLD tangle please!

[PinkCardigan93]

Met a guy OLD and have been dating for a couple of months. He is keen - I'm the one trying to take things slowly.
He works away a lot - travels abroad etc which is fine as I do too. However he was away last week and admitted to me one morning that he and the team had been into a strip club the night prior. He said he didn't enjoy it and spend the night on his phone watching boxing. I said I appreciated his honestly, and that he doesn't owe me an explanation as we're not technically a couple, but that I do find men going to those places a bit of an ick. He said it was a one off. We move on.

However, he's away on another trip tonight and has just told me he and the boys are all going to a Hooters bar for dinner.

He's in a cool city, they could go anywhere. But they're going to a Hooters. It's telling me a lot about his work culture and I just don't want it in my life. It's a big ick, and though I trust him, I barely know the guy.

A little part of me actually thinks he's doing this as an attempt at making me jealous - as he has been much keener than me in the interaction between us.

I just want to end it. It's stressing me, and in not comfortable. What do I tell him?

He said he was sat next to the managers wife and was speaking to her about me all night and said if it was up to him 'he would have gone straight to bed'

So why didn't he? he could just have said 'sorry guys, long day and I'm tired. Early night for me, have a good one.' It's not as if he'd be missing a Michelin starred experience, is it?

Just seen your update. I completely agree with you and better to sort this now than a year down the line.

I wouldn't be happy either and would be doing exactly the same as you.

You've already said that to him, though. And you have every right to feel whatever you feel about it. You've only been dating for a couple of months ffs - you owe him nothing beyond the common courtesy of a polite goodbye. Other men are available and some of them are nice!

Personally I'd find the sending of gifts while he's away as kind of needy and smothering, too, though others may find it romantic. What's wrong with daily calls/texts and then bringing ONE present when he gets back? This is like... well, keen... but keeping you on the hook. Not giving you a chance to forget him. Maybe even building up an obligation because he wants you SO much and he spent all this money and trouble sending you things... but there is no obligation. If he's a great catch it won't take him long to reel in another prospect (yeah, cynical, bitter, old, divorcee speaking, but also a fond mother, sister and friend of plenty of decent men).

Mine turned up with a huge bouquet of red roses for our first date. He also bought me flowers during our marriage. How it ended was me coming home to find he'd left to shack up with his secretary and left me a note saying this wasn't working for him. Flowers aren't a reliable indicator of integrity, IME.

You've explained to him how you feel, so why do you need to explain again? If it's not working for you, why can't you just say you're out and have done with it. Then if he keeps coming back, block him.

When I was visiting Florida, I went to a Hooters. It really wasn’t that bad. The waitresses dressed in tight/short clothing, but that’s about it.

it just felt like a normal meal out otherwise.

@Maytorain I'm not bothered about Hooters alone, it's the bigger picture

You would be doing the right thing to end the relationship. Hope he doesn't work for Mr Horner.

This isn't going to work. Goodbye.

I put up with appalling behaviour in my younger days that I wouldn't countenance at all now. He's telling you who he is. Leave now.

Just say it's not working for you and you wish him well

I think you did the right thing, it may seem light hearted sleeze on the surface, just going along with the lads, but these types are far more likely to chat up/cheat on partners/wives and not tell you quite a lot of other things going on, leave them to it and find someone more sensible.

I don't want a guy who treats his working away as an opportunity to play 'lads on tour'.

He is not the man for you. You already told him him how you feel, no further explanation is needed. If you want to reply maybe reiterate that it's not working for you and you wish him well. Don't get drawn into any discussions. It has only been two months, you don't owe him anything.

Most women would feel the same.

My DH was invited to a stag a few years ago. The first message said to a strip club. Before I had even had time to think about how I felt, another message came in, to say the venue had changed to an outdoorsy sports thing. The wives shut the whole thing down before it even started.

Absolutely this! I wouldn't even respond, I'd just block him now as you've already broken it off with him!

I worked in investment banking in the late 80’s early 90’s when the lads culture was prevalent and this sort of thing was the norm then.

I genuinely thought the culture had evolved away from this sleazy side but obviously not.

Sadly we tolerated it back then because o speak up meant you lost your job - but no way would I entertain it these days and a man who went along with it wouldn’t be for me.

Your lifestyles are incompatible OP - you’ve told him and he needs to accept it.

I'm going to reply saying something along the lines of, going to Hooters with the team isn't something am necessarily afronted by.. but the combo of strip club / hooters is giving me early indications of his work place culture and not sure that's something I want to contend with as he works away so often.

OK but this seems to me to leave the door open for him to start making promises. So maybe you'll give him another shot...

Call me cynical but it's a road that's likely to be full of failed promises and him starting to hide things.

Because while away, the pressure will be on for him to join in with these lads nights and he'll start resenting you. And you will wonder and probably start policing him.

I just think he needs someone who isn't that bothered if he goes to strip clubs with his team. And you need someone who'd choose not to go off his own bat, not for your sake.

You don't need to justify yourself any further OP. Just leave it now. He doesn't deserve any more headspace.

Yes I've been loads of times over the years I don't get the issue with it

I’d not say anything for a bit

go out and enjoy the sun.

a bit of silence no bad thing

As somebody said above, he’s testing your boundaries. In general, I don’t trust men who say it was a one off. And that goes for any kind of bad behaviour - domestic violence, viewing indecent images, visiting escorts, etc. If they’ve done it once, they’ll do it again.

If you weaken he'll definitely start hiding stuff. He didn't need to mention Hooters.
I've been in a couple they're pretty tame. But he's sort of goaded you. Bin him it's only been 2 months.

I think this would be a very good way to proceed.

Yeah, Peppermint Rhino springs to mind there.

Spearmint Rhino, not Peppermint. And they expensed it.

It used to be Browns in Hackney Road back in my days and the kipper tie initiation 🤢

And yes always on the company plastic