He went to a strip club as a 'one off', but now is going to Hooters... Help me end this OLD tangle please!

[PinkCardigan93]

Met a guy OLD and have been dating for a couple of months. He is keen - I'm the one trying to take things slowly.
He works away a lot - travels abroad etc which is fine as I do too. However he was away last week and admitted to me one morning that he and the team had been into a strip club the night prior. He said he didn't enjoy it and spend the night on his phone watching boxing. I said I appreciated his honestly, and that he doesn't owe me an explanation as we're not technically a couple, but that I do find men going to those places a bit of an ick. He said it was a one off. We move on.

However, he's away on another trip tonight and has just told me he and the boys are all going to a Hooters bar for dinner.

He's in a cool city, they could go anywhere. But they're going to a Hooters. It's telling me a lot about his work culture and I just don't want it in my life. It's a big ick, and though I trust him, I barely know the guy.

A little part of me actually thinks he's doing this as an attempt at making me jealous - as he has been much keener than me in the interaction between us.

I just want to end it. It's stressing me, and in not comfortable. What do I tell him?

He's not a "nice guy".

You're already wasting so much emotional energy and worry trying to work him out and how to respond. And that's after only two months.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

Bin this one and regain your peace of mind.

I would REALLY like to know why my message was deleted ffs! Because it didn't fit the OP's narrative?

Just guessing that calling posters 'bitter elderly spinsters' just because they have a different opinion from you didn't go down too well.

Well cost of living has sent our date nights spiralling but at the moment we do date nights once a month and it's flowers or a card to say thank you the day or two after, sometime it's my fave sweets, Parma violet, or other times it's a save the date and chocs for the next time

Well a post by someone with your name at 0.11 yesterday on page 3 is the only deleted post on this thread, and just under it is someone taking issue with the spinsters comment - which has also disappeared. So QED.

Do a little more digging Agatha!

Yes it was.

Oh I can assure you it was your post. Mainly because I thought what a rather lovely user name it was to be making such an ugly comment about posters. But I can understand that you'd be ashamed of posting something like that and want to deny that it was you.

Nah both places give me the big ick. Get rid

Lying in bed, laughing at you two rowing with each other

And I would agree “elderly spinster “ is both ageist and sexist

Strip club I'd not cool but I do think it's work pressure or culture

Hooter is novelty

I think your prematurely ending the relationship - as you seem insecure about commitment?

I think you’re right to end it if this laddish culture is going to upset you. He’s part of a team and that’s his life, so if it’s not what you want then say you appreciate his explanation but you just don’t think this is for you.

Oh it was. We all saw it

You've done absolutely the right thing, Op.

Is he so spineless / deperate to impress his boss that he'd agree to anything they suggest? So if the boss books a strip club / cock fighting / bungee jump, he'll go for it?

You only have his word that he 'spent the night talking about you to his boss's wife'. He could have not gone if he'd wanted to (if he wasn't a coward). He could have left early if he'd wanted to.

So many people on here saying 'but Hooters is FINE!'. Well a) they can think that, we don't all have to agree; b) you have explained very clearly that it isn't necesarily Hooters alone, it's the whole laddish, paying women for sexual kicks vibe they have going on. It's put you off him and it would have put me off him too.

Him laughing that you ended it - he either simply doesn't care, or he doesn't think you're serious. His follow up email shows he thinks he can talk you around.

Well done for sticking with your morals and boundaries, and not being talked out of it. You've seen a glimpse of the future with him and it isn't pretty.

Yes well done OP, I feel exactly the same as you. Also I’m really not ok about Hooters either. I don’t care about the fact they have a children's menu, that almost makes it worse & normalises women being objectified as part of a family day out. Yuck. If you look at their website it tells you all you need to know.

Yeah he's not really getting it. It's not that you think Hooters represents hardcore moral outrage.

Hooters may be quite harmless in general but it comes under the same wider 'sleaze' umbrella when being visited by men travelling on business as strip clubs. As in, it is a very mild version thereof but if it's genuinely only ever seen as good solid family fun why aren't there fit young gentlemen wearing shorts too?

I do find them having a kids menu a bit gross though. Start em early objectifying women. Interesting how happy folk are with the status quo.

You seem very measured and clearly just don't want that stuff in your life with any type of regularly at all. He's brought it to your door twice in one week, the first time he goes away, when you're very newly dating.

It just gives an impression that many women (not all but including me) would not be willing to see past.

I wouldn't bother getting into a dialogue with him. If he couldn't see why this all might put you off (and why it's not really about hooters) prior to accepting an invitation to a strip club then you're wasting your time. He simply isn't on the same wavelength. I think he'll either get defensive and things will turn unpleasant, or he will promise to change etc and if you offer another chance, he will carry on regardless and lie about it.

You're better off with a man who would want to excuse himself politely and explore a new city alone rather than go to any level of tit bar for work. They exist. When I've travelled for work, we haven't gone to controversial places but some colleagues who were presumably sick of dinners and drinking and making nice with fellow workers would just say a friendly goodnight and excuse themselves for the evening. It was fine. Their careers certainly hadn't suffered.

It takes two to make a row. But glad you're so easily pleased.

Spearmint Rhino. I worked in architecture but we had project managers who’d arrange “strip club” outings, the architects said they weren’t keen but the project managers were. A friend of mine (she worked in an investment bank in the City) said these places were booked all the time up til even before Covid. Disgusting.

OP, I’d just end it. Sounds pathetic with his excuses and only 2 months in.