Married for two years and I never climax - feeling disappointed - he comes after a few seconds

[Sumspring]

I am 33. I have been married to my husband for two years. We didn't start sleeping with each other till we were engaged.

I have only climaxed about twice - both times were about two years ago.

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes. I have posted about this issue before, and people pointed out that this isn't normal (saying it's premature ejaculation) and that I should try and address it. I have brought it up, gently, a few times. He says he'll try and stay in me for longer, but nothing has really changed.

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

For the premature ejaculation, it's a difficult line to tread because I want to address it, but also don't want to make him anxious about it, which could make it worse.

I come from a Christian background and it has been instilled in me from a young age to 'wait till marriage' before having sex. (I did do sexual things with previous boyfriends, but always held off from full sex).

Now that I'm married, I feel disappointed and bitter about the situation. I also feel like our sex life is not normal. And I don't really enjoy it much.

I try and tell myself it's not a big deal, and maybe I can live with not enjoying sex that much, and never climaxing. Because people do and are happy? It's not everything? But I can't stop myself feeling rubbish about it.

Is this understandable? I'd also be grateful for any advice on how to address premature ejaculation.

Then my advice is even more pertinent.

Hi @Sumspring

I follow lots of sex blogs I am not religious but I found a Christian American blog called get your marriage on and they have an app (that I use ) to improve intimacy and relationships.
called Intimately us.

There are talks and advice on their that is grounded in Christian values and maybe surprising for some in here places sexual intimacy at the heart of a loving marriage and attempts to free people of shame and guilt. I really think they could do you both some good.

https://getyourmarriageon.com

Regarding his early arrival have a look at a product called Promescent they are also American and sell delay spray in the uk that contains lignocaine. If you can use condoms they alone may desensitise but durex also make a delay version as well.

Hope that’s useful life it to short for shit sex that can be improved x

Because it entirely colours hos views on sex, what is normal, what is allowed, what it should be and us actually a major Contributor to useful information in these circumstances!

My DP can be a bit quick off the mark, especially if we haven’t seen each other in a while. He attends to me first, I wasn’t keen on the idea of oral but he loves to do it, so I very generously let him and its mind blowing! Then once we get down to the PIV he is very careful to stop before he goes past the point of no return, giving both of us a chance to enjoy that bit.

But it’s all about communication and wanting to please the other person, you need to fully trust that he is listening to your body’s cues and taking note of your reactions. He sounds clueless so I would be wary about expecting too much. Either way, you can’t spend the rest of your life having shit sex. You’d be better letting him shag someone else badly and finding a man who actually gives a crap.

I am a sex therapist. You need to be a lot more than "a bit turned on" before penetration. In this circumstance, really, it would be better if you had an orgasm prior to penetration. Otherwise, how would you be satisfied?

There are many ways to pleasure one another, but it sounds like openness to experiencing that may be an issue? Why would he not see a sex therapist? Obviously, I am biased, but I would not tolerate this. Plenty of people have issues, that is understandable, but you fix it and move on. Not discussing or not working towards sorting it out would be red flags to me.

Premature ejaculation is very fixable. It is a fairly uncomplicated process usually. If someone would not do that for our marriage, I would not have a marriage either them.

But I am not in your marriage.

I would have a frank conversation. You are not happy, you need to work on improving things, if you do, your relationship will be so much close/ better /more intimate etc

If you have to have that twice, I would be saying, this is not working, but a third time, Jesus no. Where are your boundaries? Why do you forgive him letting you down so easily?

Is he interested in working on this?

I have heard good things about 'beducated' a website which can help you both with technique

I don't think either of us is into oral sex

Have you tried it,

He could be gay.

There’s loads you can do but i wonder if he’s interested in sex?

If he doesn’t like touching you that sounds a bit unusual to me. Maybe he’s just not a sexual person

it sounds like sex and physical intimacy is important to you though and i can totally understand that. Sex and eroticism with my wife feels like love to me. That’s just how I’m made.

There are loads of resources out there to help him if he has the want to do so.

You need to tell him that you’re unsatisfied with how things are and that things need to change for you.

It is very early days for you to be having sexual problems but people can change and sex changes. It needs some effort though and it sounds like in your relationship you’re the one who is going to need to drive that change

if you try to change it, and communicate to him that you aren’t happy, and he doesn’t change then you want to consider of you can accept a sexless marriage

i couldn’t

He wont change. Even if you manage to change his behaviour/attitude for a while, he will return to this default behaviour. Your future sex life looks like your present. If you don't already have children, thank your lucky stars that you don't have that massive anchor and get out now. He's got no motivation to change because he thinks you're not going anywhere. And once you have kids you'll throw away the key.
Divorce. Dont listen to your family and religious circle when they inevitably pressure you to go back. Would you wish this situation on your daughter? Its wrong of them to try to force you into it. Grow a spine and screw what they think.

I would suggest he reads the book by Ian Kerner called "She Comes First."

Sex should be fun, the fun comes from watching amd knowing you are pleasuring your partner. You need to communicate so he can learn to please you. Life is too short to have bad sex.

If you're both christian, "The good girl's guide to great sex" is a healthy Christian book / resource that has minimal hangups that you can look at!

Good sex can be learned hun. And religion encourages sex and foreplay between marital partners, there is no stigma around it at all.

This won't improve if he refuses to try anything different. End of. You nay need to be much more blunt. Your pleasure matters and his selfishness is horrible.

I think his background may be relevant too inasmuch if he’s waited until marriage before having sex too & maybe has very little experience. It sounds like it’s literally a no go zone for him as though he’s terrified of the whole thing, almost terrified of a woman’s body & like he’s having sex without immersing himself in or engaging with any other aspect of it. No wonder you feel resentful having saved yourself for this. I really think you need to see a couples therapist & that you insist on it o’wise there may be no more marriage. He needs to learn to acknowledge your existence & sexual needs too. And break through this wall of avoidance. Like why shouldn’t you both enjoy oral sex? What’s stopping him wanting to pleasure you? I think with PE there are techniques he can learn to delay things & different positions. But I think you both need professional help.

@LeilaLettuceChristianity literally preaches that women should be subservient to men and sex is only for procreation. So I’m not sure why you’re arguing that the religion doesn’t teach men exactly that. It’s in the book.

So sorry OP but he sounds really selfish. Tell him penetrative sex is off the menu for a while and explore touching each other. He needs to begin to understand what you enjoy and how to bring you to climax. Otherwise you'll always be sexually frustrated as he's selfish and a terrible sexual partner.

This is so sad, but the most worrying part is that this issue even exists, because if he cared, about you, about how he came across, then he would've addressed it, but he clearly doesn't want to.

Learned how?

Lots above saying he's selfish for not giving oral, but it goes both ways. If you're not doing it either, he's not going to feel inclined to even try to reciprocate.

I think rather than toys, rather than lubes, and counselling, all of the above etc, you need the exploratory fun. I've done it with all my partners. Sit down on a bed and just explore... do you like this, is this too hard, would you like it if I did this more, I've heard kissing here is nice... Everyone is different. I've been with one partner that totally gets off on one thing, but it does nothing for another.

Lead him upstairs and say we are going to try everything BUT penetration.

Zombie!

What a stupid question which I'm not going to dignify with an answer. Just accept you made an ignorant comment and move on.

Does he really love you?
If yes, why doesn't he want you to enjoy sex? He has access to the Internet, if he was interested in your pleasure he would find out how to make it happen.

If he doesn't really love you, no point in the marriage.