Married for two years and I never climax - feeling disappointed - he comes after a few seconds

[Sumspring]

I am 33. I have been married to my husband for two years. We didn't start sleeping with each other till we were engaged.

I have only climaxed about twice - both times were about two years ago.

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes. I have posted about this issue before, and people pointed out that this isn't normal (saying it's premature ejaculation) and that I should try and address it. I have brought it up, gently, a few times. He says he'll try and stay in me for longer, but nothing has really changed.

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

For the premature ejaculation, it's a difficult line to tread because I want to address it, but also don't want to make him anxious about it, which could make it worse.

I come from a Christian background and it has been instilled in me from a young age to 'wait till marriage' before having sex. (I did do sexual things with previous boyfriends, but always held off from full sex).

Now that I'm married, I feel disappointed and bitter about the situation. I also feel like our sex life is not normal. And I don't really enjoy it much.

I try and tell myself it's not a big deal, and maybe I can live with not enjoying sex that much, and never climaxing. Because people do and are happy? It's not everything? But I can't stop myself feeling rubbish about it.

Is this understandable? I'd also be grateful for any advice on how to address premature ejaculation.

Well if that's the case, you'll have to put up with shit sex for the rest of your life then.

Raise your bar!!

I reckon he's gay then

Frank talk telling him kindly that sex will soon not be happening unless he makes an effort to make sure you get something out of it too. And that you need to read books/watch stuff, on technique and what you need.

Maybe better to concentrate on his manual technique first and when his confidence increases through seeing you get enjoyment, then you can move on to the premature ejaculation, if you still need to.

I would just be honest. The ‘sex’ isn’t doing anything for you. You want atleast 20-30 mins foreplay before sex for both you and him but more you. Before doing anything else. You might thing you don’t like oral but I’m sure if he did it and did it properly you’d soon change your mind. As would he.
it’s not normal to ejaculate within a few seconds at all. He needs to see a doctor and atleast try and resolve this issue otherwise it’s selfish.

(1) Buy yourself several vibrators and have fun finding out which is the best for you. Oh, and lube. Then use them together, with lots of giggling.
(2) Lots of oral, him on you.

The OP has already said neither of them want to do oral! If he won't touch her he isn't going to go down on her is he?

My ex-husband was like this. I hadn't been with anyone before him to know any different. I was just never satisfied and found the whole thing (all 2-3 minutes of it) a chore. Led to a sexless marriage of over a decade because I just couldn't be arsed and, in the end, had zero attraction towards him.

I left my marriage after realising I was becoming attracted to other men (at the age of 45). I started to realise why. A big wake up call.

I've been with others since and every one of them (there were 4 🙈) was a giving and passionate man. It made me realise what I'd missed out on.

I had concerns early on my ex was gay. Not sure but there are concerns. He was brought up in a catholic household. It sure whether this was an influence but I realised he was shit in the bedroom. My biggest regret!

Oh, and he never made me orgasm. Ever.

Others did. And squirt 🙈!! Which I'd never done in my life!!!

We were also both a bit shy when we met. Explains a lot tbh!

Also, forgot to mention that my ex also never complimented me or have any form of physical affection elsewhere. Looking back, it was doomed.

OP, you both sound very inexperienced and to lack confidence.

I'd start with broadening your own knowledge first, listen to some sex related podcasts (try 'dirty girls bible' as a start) I'd also get yourself a couple of sex toys (like the 'womaizer' from love honey) explore your own body a bit.

Tell him you'd like to be open about sex, ask him what turns him on and tell him what turns you on, try new things (do you ever have sex more than once? He'd last longer the second time around)

The not touching you for long seems strange, it would be normal and healthy if he couldn't keep his hands and mouth off you in bed.

Does he feel it's important to satisfy you, surely seeing you shaking with pleasure would turn him in no end?

Try to see sex as a fun and exciting thing you share as a couple and explore together.

Christ he sound's utterly irresistible!

And maybe gay.

Unless you do something quick, you are settling for shit sex for the rest of your life. How sad!

I would take the matter into my own hands, use a sex toy after his shit performance, and let him see what you are expecting from him

Is he inexperienced as well? I don't think it's fair to call him selfish (like some posters have) if he hasn't had regular sex before. 2 years isn't a long time it takes many years to learn your body and develop sexual confidence. If he's open to it suggest a fun sex class to take together. Get some skills and have a laugh at the same time. If he isn't open to that then you have to talk to him and be honest about how you are feeling. If this is a deal breaker at 33 you don't want to waste anymore time.

Why isn’t he touching you down there - have you asked him about this directly? Is he shy/awkward/lacking confidence, or is he one of those men that just doesn’t care about his partner’s sexual enjoyment?

I think it’s also really important that you get to know your body as well. Masturbate when you’re alone. Use toys on yourself. Then tell him - directly, bluntly, and without shame or embarrassment - what you like. How you want him to touch you.

To address the ejaculation issue. Give tantric sex a try. Lots of touching, kissing, oral etc but no reaching orgasm or penetration from what I understand of it. He needs to train his body not to release every time he becomes aroused. So he needs to learn to control the urge. Right now he’s probably got zero control so he needs to work on that.

good luck op. I hope you find a way forward with your husband.

Exactly.
May be we need to suggest good books, videos, counselling if they are willing and can afford it

Assuming he was a virgin too, he probably doesn't know what to do "down there". You need to talk about it away from the bedroom. No PIV until you're aroused. It's fine to say "no, I'm not ready yet"

@Cantthinkofone123 background is absolutely relevant. Religious upbringing can give one lots if hang ups about sex. And many religions see women's bodies as sinful or dirty or designed to make babies not for women to enjoy themselves. There is so much more and all that can contribute to PE, not wanting to be intimate or being sexually selfish (for men under belief that women are for them to enjoy and breed) and many other issues

I don't want to offend you @Sumspring but you both sound extremely sexually repressed. I think some therapy would be good.... or at least you need to get your own body better as a starting point.

Only in your twisted logic can this be attributed to religion....if religious men believe that woman's body is for them to enjoy and breed...what is the excuse of non-relgious men (which there are plenty) to think along the same lines? Why don't you enlighten us?

If you had been brought up in a very repressive religion as I have , you would see it’s not twisted logic at all. If a person is taught all their lives that sex is something bad and sinful, being alone with a member of the opposite sex is putting yourself in the path of temptation etc etc, when it finally comes to it, those ideas are firmly ingrained. If there is little chance to spend any time alone with a person of the opposite sex and absolutely no education about sex other than in a ‘it’s all bad’ way, that does not lead to a successful sex life or relationship.

Also in many religions masturbation is a sin.

Thoroughly recommend one of these, to use together.

www.womanizer.com/uk/liberty?color=4

OP, I hate to break it to you but I believe studies suggest around 80% of women can't orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The whole of culture, art, media etc about sex is one big fib. If he won't go near your clitoris (with fingers, mouth etc) it's just not going to happen.

When you say you don't think either of you is in to oral, does that mean you haven't tried it? Or you have but without obvious signs either enjoyed it?
It sounds like a huge dollop of exploration and communication is needed. You aren't going to work out what you do any don't enjoy without trying some stuff and you aren't going to know what the other likes, reaaaalllllly likes and doesn't like without talking to each other.
You are far too young for a lifetime of shit sex and that's what lies why if you don't make some changes now.