Married for two years and I never climax - feeling disappointed - he comes after a few seconds

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I am 33. I have been married to my husband for two years. We didn't start sleeping with each other till we were engaged.

I have only climaxed about twice - both times were about two years ago.

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes. I have posted about this issue before, and people pointed out that this isn't normal (saying it's premature ejaculation) and that I should try and address it. I have brought it up, gently, a few times. He says he'll try and stay in me for longer, but nothing has really changed.

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

For the premature ejaculation, it's a difficult line to tread because I want to address it, but also don't want to make him anxious about it, which could make it worse.

I come from a Christian background and it has been instilled in me from a young age to 'wait till marriage' before having sex. (I did do sexual things with previous boyfriends, but always held off from full sex).

Now that I'm married, I feel disappointed and bitter about the situation. I also feel like our sex life is not normal. And I don't really enjoy it much.

I try and tell myself it's not a big deal, and maybe I can live with not enjoying sex that much, and never climaxing. Because people do and are happy? It's not everything? But I can't stop myself feeling rubbish about it.

Is this understandable? I'd also be grateful for any advice on how to address premature ejaculation.

That all sounds a bit rubbish, he needs to at least make you orgasm.

for the PE there are several options, make him orgasm before sex, use condoms for a while
there are delay pills and sprays available - lots of options

No, it's not fair. You should be aiming to have sex that's satisfying for both of you.

Even if he doesn't deal with the premature ejaculation that's no excuse for not using hands, mouth, sex toy etc to give you an orgasm as well. Ideally you'd come first and then piv.

Does he come from the same background as you?

Why is his background relevant ?

Hold on… are you trying to climax from penetration alone and only a couple of minutes at that? That almost certainly isn’t going to do it OP and won’t for the vast majority of women.
You need direct clitoral stimulation with hands and mouth. Why won’t he touch you down there?

You can't possibly be fully aroused at the point of sex, let alone satisfied! No foreplay? You're not a sex doll, you're his spouse and he is failing in his husbandly duties.

God gave women a clitoris so she can enjoy sex. He needs to do better frankly. He is selfish and it all sounds really icky

The fact he is doing nothing about it is utterly selfish. He sounds irresistible 🙄

Tell him to have a wank 45 mins before. He can get tabletvs and delay spray.

So he won't touch your vulva down there at all, puts his dick in and cums and that's that? You're not a piece of meat. You shouldn't put up with this. At all.

He sounds a very selfish lover.. has he not heard of oral sex

As others have said this isn't normal. While a few women can climax from penis penetration alone, most of us need clitoral stimulation with e.g. hands, mouth or toys, and we need time and patience.

You're going to need to be brave enough to hurt his feelings. You can still be compassionate in your approach, but be frank and honest. "Darling, I want to orgasm as often as you do, and it's just not working for me the way we've been doing it. Will you explore different ways and durations of turning me on with me so that we can make that happen?"

Get yourselves a book or some resources on the internet- see if OMGyes is still around, that would be a good place to start and try the different techniques together with curiosity and good humour. Ask him specifically to use his tongue on your vulva, same with fingers. Show him what you know you like (if you masturbate and you do know - and if you don't, it's definitely time to explore your body solo!).

Spend sessions focused on finding out what turns you on without the pressure of trying to make you come, and definitely without any PIV. When you (plural) have got it down to a fine art then it's likely a good idea to concentrate on your orgasm first then go PIV for his.

he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

My lovely, if it is clean enough for him to stick his dick in it, it is most certainly clean enough for him to touch with his hands 😘

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes.

No, that’s absolutely shit. Is he even trying to control himself?

Is your DH also from a similar Christian background as you & hasn't really got experience in that area ? I was my DH's first and we had this issue for a while, where it almost felt like I was just this body to make him release but get no pleasure myself. I also used to be a bit shy in sex and not ask for certain things which didn't help. However, now when we have sex we both climax almost always. It's all in the positioning and also taking it a little slower especially on his end, so before he feels like he needs to climax maybe communicate with you and get him to slow until you're ready. You mention he doesn't put his hand down there, might be a bit awkward at first but maybe take the lead a little while you're in the moment and put his hand there. Your mood can also affect you not getting there, especially if you're already feeling down about your sex life. However, it's all in the communications, put your needs forward more with DH. Hope that helps at all.

No, it's not normal. I've had lots of sexual partners and they all actively enjoyed giving me sexual pleasure, whether manually or orally. Is he as sexually inexperienced as you? Not blaming him, but his attitude is quite unusual tbh. Some men can be a bit selfish in bed, but at his age, he should know what to do. I'm not surprised if you feel bitter or resentful, and it's not your issue, it's him. I wish I had some good advice to give you, but sadly I dont. I've never known a man who was crap in bed to get any better at it, because they don't really want to.

He’s just what they call …. selfish and shit in bed, OP.

This. It’s a lack of interest and care and imagination in the female’s experience.

No this isn't normal and there’s no excuse for his lack of interest in your enjoyment.

Don’t let this drag on for more years OP.
Time for a frank discussion with him. He needs to know it isn’t working for you and that you want to work together to solve it. I mean it could be really fun trying things together. If he refuses to engage then likely it’s time to move on. It will destroy the relationship in the end anyway and you’re young enough to start again.

Was he very inexperienced with women before he met you? If not I guess he will need very specific instructions from you. But it does seem off that he isn’t that keen on finding out what you enjoy or improving at all.

Ah, but you could of backed out of the engagement at any time once you knew. Now it's the same - no surprise- but more awkward to get out of.

I agree with another poster, him alone may not do it for you anyway, no matter how long he lasts. Use your own fingers to get things going and then allow him in when your close but not quite there, that should help.
He's probably nervous about doing it himself for you incase he can't do it well, which tbf he may not. I like to do it myself, whilst in the end my DH is inside which improves the climax no end.

If he's also from a Christian background and has not had much sexual experience before marriage, you're going to have to show and tell him what to do to please you. It's best to do this now before the rot sets in and the current situation is just "how it is".

It can be difficult to bring this up, but you could frame it in terms of you both being sexually inexperienced, and wanting to make sure you have the sex life you've both looked forward to.

There's loads of help online with this. Good luck, and don't settle for less than the orgasms you deserve.

This is the trouble with ‘no sex before marriage’. How on earth is either partner supposed to learn about what good sex is? Two people with no experience is not going to lead to a good sex life. Throw in all the stigma and fear about sex being dirty and masturbation being a sin, it’s not surprising.

I'm a guy, and I do agree with the above comments.

Well its clearly working fir him so feel good that there's nothing wrong with you!

As for delaying it, as others have said...
-A quick wank before (second time is always longer and slightly harder to achieve).
-Condoms do reduce sensation. Men often say they hate them for this reason, but maybe you could get some thick ones and alternate days for his pleasure and yours?
-Technique change. When he feels he's getting close, pull out, do something else, and then get back to it. This is apparently how porn stars last so long.
-Not everyone is into oral, so those saying he's selfish if he doesn't is unfair. Discuss this with him, and most importantly, give feedback! Say you really want to try, get him to vary positions, techniques, speeds, pressures, and tell him what you like best. Don't be shy!
-Obviously he can go to a doctor if it continues.
-Toys?
-Different positions? I find that girl on top is less sensation for me, but if she gets excited and speeds up, it's harder then for me to control. With missionary, I have the control.

It's not unusual at all for a woman to not climax from penetrative sex. Premature ejaculation also isn't that unusual, despite what people say, although a few seconds is really quite short! Is he trying? - There are lots of resources out there to help him deal with that if he wants to.

You do need to be able to communicate about your needs, and he should be enthusiastic about trying other things like touching you more, oral, toys etc. There are plenty of ways to do it without penetration.

If he doesn't actually want to explore and please you then that is a problem.

It's hard to communicate about sex and there is always the worry of making the other person feel bad or inadequate. But the alternative is that you keep living like this and not feeling fulfilled. Put your own needs first because you deserve it and you will just end up living in a state of quiet unhappiness/ unfulfilment if you don't.

Helpful 🙄

Totally not normal and a bit shit. He needs to get educated about how to please you. Not all women (or men) enjoy all the same things. However there are some basics that work for a majority of women;

• oral clitoral stimulation (licking, sucking)
• Manual clitoral stimulation (rubbing, pinching, stroking with fingers or other parts!)
• Buzzy toy clitoral stimulation

You can try these with / without lube and with / without simultaneous penetration (either with his fingers or a foreign object such as a dildo).

You may enjoy him touching, stroking, kissing or nibbling other parts like neck, breasts, stomach, butt.

Totally agree with others that he needs to work on his PE but even if he had a boner for an hour he wouldn’t get most women to cum without some of these other activities as well. You need a serious discussion and he needs to be a grown up about this.

Well he's got some serious sexual hang ups if he doesn't even touch your genitalia, let alone the ridiculous 2 second penetration before he orgasms!

He's not having sex with you - just in you.

You must tell him that his attitude towards you sexually is fucked up and he needs some therapy or your marriage is doomed.

If I were you there would be absolutely no more sexual activity unless this is properly addressed.

He could be homosexual and in denial for all we know. It would make some sense of his lack of interest in your sexuality and pleasure.

Lots of good advice.
Think long and hard before you have children with a man so disinterested in your experience.