Married for two years and I never climax - feeling disappointed - he comes after a few seconds

[Sumspring]

I am 33. I have been married to my husband for two years. We didn't start sleeping with each other till we were engaged.

I have only climaxed about twice - both times were about two years ago.

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes. I have posted about this issue before, and people pointed out that this isn't normal (saying it's premature ejaculation) and that I should try and address it. I have brought it up, gently, a few times. He says he'll try and stay in me for longer, but nothing has really changed.

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

For the premature ejaculation, it's a difficult line to tread because I want to address it, but also don't want to make him anxious about it, which could make it worse.

I come from a Christian background and it has been instilled in me from a young age to 'wait till marriage' before having sex. (I did do sexual things with previous boyfriends, but always held off from full sex).

Now that I'm married, I feel disappointed and bitter about the situation. I also feel like our sex life is not normal. And I don't really enjoy it much.

I try and tell myself it's not a big deal, and maybe I can live with not enjoying sex that much, and never climaxing. Because people do and are happy? It's not everything? But I can't stop myself feeling rubbish about it.

Is this understandable? I'd also be grateful for any advice on how to address premature ejaculation.

She could HAVE backed out. However , they didn't have sex until they got married so she had no idea how rubbish it was going to be.

Your husband being inexperienced is one thing, but his complete lack of interest in your pleasure is unacceptable, he’s basically using your body for a quick wank and thinks you should be satisfied with that. It’s not ok, and shows him to be pretty selfish and uncaring. You need to tell him.

Would it be helpful to try to talk to him (casually!) about all the FUN that's involved in sex? For him too! Because really the PIV is not always the main event. There's a LOT of touching, fingering, edging, mouth play, all of that, to do before you might think about the penetrative sex.

Maybe he doesn't care, but from your post I feel like he doesn't know much about sex? Do you? (not a judgement!) It really takes time to know what the other person loves and needs. (And it changes over the course of a long relationship.)

BTW most women aren't going to climax from sex that's how you describe. Most women need external stimulation as well. That's not a failure at all - tell him. But if he can't be approached about it, and can't be arsed to learn: that is a failure.

Everyone is talking to the OP as if she knows what sex should be like and has experience. She doesn’t. Both she and her partner are inexperienced. How can she teach him what she hasn’t experienced herself?

Absolutely, some of the responses on here are batshit crazy 🤪

Like @Bringbackthebeaver said, it's not unusual for a man to finish quickly, or for a woman not to orgasm during sex.

You shouldn't rely on a partner to make you orgasm. It's a bonus if they can, but you should know how to use your own body.

Although, he should be more interested in touching you. And yes, the premature ejaculation needs to be resolved 🤷‍♀️

I think you have a point.
Its very difficult to explain to a partner what to do when you’re not sure yourself.
@Sumspring have you look at this website?
https://start.omgyes.com/join
It might help you put into words what you’d like to try/why it’s not working for you as a starting point for BOTH OF YOU to simply try new things.

As another poster pointed out, he should learn that sex isn’t just PIV. And that he will get lots of enjoyment from that other stuff too.
This would stop putting all the limelight on him and premature ejaculation but put the focus on all the other very nice things you could do together.

However, it does mean he needs to be happy to get out of his confort zone too. To start talking about what you’d both enjoy and do those things.

If he isn’t ready to do that, feels too ‘shy’/uncomfortable about it, it will leave you in that place where you either have to suck it up or decide that marriage isn’t worth it.

How about a few sessions with a sex therapist?

Have you thought about looking for a sex therapist with christian leanings/sympathies? I’m not religious myself but i have christian friends who place a lot of importance on sexual pleasure for both partners in a marriage - they see sex as a gift from god, and put a lot of thought into learning how to please each other. I’m sure there must be therapist or relationship counsellors that your church could put you in touch with? sex can be a really beautiful and spiritual thing and you and your husband deserve to enjoy it fully. good luck!

As others have said, none of this is normal (neither the premature ejaculation nor his lack of interest in pleasuring you), and I say this as someone who was raised in a Christian household and didn't have sex until I got married. And we have a fantastic sex life! (My non-Christian girlfriends used to tell me that I only thought this because I didn't really know what good sex was like as I haven't slept with anyone else, until they decided to ask me how often he makes me orgasm and were somewhat surprised at my answer of an average of twice each time. Probably not the most subtle measure but a reasonable starting point I guess.)

Not having sex outside of marriage isn't to do with it being dirty or bad, quite the opposite - it's because it's awesome and special and has physical, emotional and spiritual aspects to it, and therefore ideally should be something that you experience with someone with whom you already have the spiritual connection and commitment of marriage. There is a whole book in the Bible dedicated to sex (the Song of Songs), but it's undeniable that some people are still brought up in environments that lead them to believe sex is somehow shameful or distasteful or something (a bit of a leftover puritan attitude!).

He only enters me for a few seconds before he comes. I have posted about this issue before, and people pointed out that this isn't normal (saying it's premature ejaculation) and that I should try and address it. I have brought it up, gently, a few times. He says he'll try and stay in me for longer, but nothing has really changed.

Kindly, OP, nothing has changed because he hasn't actually done anything about it. He needs to see a sex therapist and will probably be advised to teach himself to recognise the point of no return and learn how to prevent the climax occuring so quickly. He could probably find lots of resources online about how to do this if he was motivated to do so...

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

...but IS he motivated to do so? Is he happy with your sex life the way it is? Does he think you're happy with it? Does he care? Is he interested in pleasing you and exploring your body? I think the questions about how he was raised and his beliefs about sex are completely relevant.

I'd recommend you (both) read the books A Celebration Of Sex (which is a Christian book that will be suitable for you and him even if you are very sexually inexperienced and don't know a lot about sex or even how your own bodies work - this one can help you build a sex life from the ground up if you were brought up in families that didn't really talk about sex etc.) and She Comes First (which is not a Christian book, it's a book written by a man about how to give a woman oral sex).

Do you have a Christian friend who is open about sex? (Clearly, I am that person for a lot of my friends :-D) Could you approach your minister (if it's a woman) or their wife (if they have one)? Some friends of mine had similar struggles to you but sorted it after sex therapy for him and have been happily married for over ten years now.

Why is everyone saying 'see a sex therapist'?! NOBODY is going to want to lay bare their history of not touching their partner and sticking it in for a few thrusts, nobody. Should he want to see a sex therapist? Maybe! Is he going to? Obviously not!

They guy needs to learn what good sex is. They need to explore that together. On the plus side, he's obviously not been watching porn, but maybe a bit of a dabble in some ethical porn would be a starting point?

I also asked him to touch me more. He does do that more, but he never touches me 'down there'. Is this odd? (I am always clean and have a lot of showers).

This is absolutely not normal!

This is how most women climax and foreplay is absolutely a must for women, especially with a man who doesn’t last long.

I would not be letting him enter me until he uses his hands to make you climax first, this is basic manners.

I don’t think I’ve ever had sex where I’ve not climaxed at least once (it’s usually at least twice).

This man is not inexperienced, he’s lazy and selfish.

If you do not enjoy the sex then stop having it until he sorts himself out.

Can you make yourself climax? What about buying some sex toys or something?

OP you could also follow Sheila Wray-Gregoire on social media (Bare Marriage on FB) and read her book, "The Great Sex Rescue".
Sheila is a Christian in Canada who writes and talks extensively about sex in marriage. She has done peer reviewed research which shows that unfortunately your issue is all too common for couples who kept sex for marriage.

Take care x

He sounds very selfish and you need to spell it out to him that this is not right!

He needs to get help for his PE.

Most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. My partner uses toys (clitoral sucking toys or flicking toys are amazing!) along with either penetration, or putting fingers in me. Even this can sometimes take me a long time, but my partner always makes sure I’m satisfied, as I do with him! Your DH really needs to get his act together. Is there a chance he could be gay? Or is he just very shy or conservative? Inexperienced? uninterested? Or just a very selfish prick?

Here is my only advice, as a man who has been very invested in making my wife climax throughout our marriage, and our early dating; we have it down to a kind of science and it is not by my doing either, she figured it out and honestly, barely even needs me to make it happen, absent me being erect that is.

I have always longed to make my wife climax from normal missionary position, but what i have found is the only way she can climax is if i am inside of her, while pressing my body against her clit, full contact while having sex. I am usually able to make her climax one time, maybe two from this position while I am on top.

the real surprise came when she is on top, i put a few pillows behind me, or sit on a couch and she straddles me, facing me, she is able to make full contact with my lower abdomen while I am inside of her and she climaxes within about 30 seconds, and continues to climax over and over again, if i thrust (while laying on my back) it definitely makes her climax more, if I am on a couch then it is very difficult for me to thrust much as she is sitting on top of me.

My wife usually climaxes 5 times in this position, or more depending on if she gets tired or not and our sex usually last about 3 to 5 minutes tops.

Unfortunately it is very hard for me to climax in this position, so while she is left satisfied, I usually have to switch positions to climax, of course by that time, she is usually done with me, but always allows me to finish. Sometimes I can climax when I am on bottom, but usually we do together and that is extremely satisfying.

Moral of the story is, some women need their clit to rub against their partner, while they are inside of them to climax.

Because some people on here are kind of mean, i have attached a disclaimer

I am not tooting my horn either, this is entirely a discovery of hers, if she hadn`t figured this out, I would be in missionary, pounding away thinking there was something wrong with me not being able to figure out my partner, thinking I was doing something wrong etc.

It is a big deal and there are other ways if he can’t last long enough. Two years is a long time to not have resolved this by now, just be
more assertive that you want to enjoy it as much as he does (as he clearly does!)

Thank you very much everyone for the kind advice.

I have sometimes guided his hand 'down there', but it doesn't stay long and he doesn't do much. I'm really starting to wonder if he doesn't like touching there. Is that possible, and would it be very unusual?

I touch him there, so I'm not sure if it's shyness.

I can see that PIV alone isn't necessarily enough to climax. But if I'm a bit turned on, and he can last for more than a few seconds inside me, surely climaxing is far more likely?

I don't think either of us is into oral sex, and I don't think he would ever go and see a sex therapist.

Sadly then, I think your marriage is doomed. He just doesn’t sound interested in sex really. Perhaps he’s not really into women. It wouldn’t be unusual. It’s very difficult for you, but please don’t settle for this for life.

Good sex is so important, you should at least know what you're missing out on before you decide on a life without it! Time for a frank conversation. His willingness or not to address this will tell you a lot about the kind of partner you will have by your side throughout your marriage.

You need to work out what turns you on, specifically how you want to be touched, and then essentially, make him do it. If he's not getting it right while you're in the act, you may need to actually move his hand, ie touch yourself with his hand in between to show him exactly what he needs to do. Toys are a good idea, you can then control your own pleasure.

Your dh may be appearing to be so clueless because of his religious upbringing making him feel like sex is something to be ashamed of, he feels like he's doing something wrong if sex is pleasurable.

Religion has a lot to answer for here, imo.

Wow. He is completely selfish. Is he such a selfish person in other aspects of his life?

Could he be a closet gay or actually asexual?

And I'm sorry but Christianity has left you with such a warped perception of sex that you sound like an awkward child talking about it. Why won't you name body parts what they are instead of saying "down there"?! You are an adult, I take it?

It sounds like he doesn't like vaginas. Have you asked him why he hasn't fingered you or played with your clitoris? Do you masturbate, and can you show him how you make yourself climax?

If you actually want to fix this you need to communicate openly like adults. Watch porn aimed at women together too. Failing improvement after that, see a sex therapist. Or divorce him.

I can see that PIV alone isn't necessarily enough to climax. But if I'm a bit turned on, and he can last for more than a few seconds inside me, surely climaxing is far more likely?

The focus needs to be on him touching you and having a good time, not climaxing.

A good number of women, probably more than half can't climax form PIV. Some can't climax with a partner at all. Way too much pressure and even less enjoyable than it is now.

Make yourself climax with him present, show him what to do. Win win- you get an orgasm, he finds it hot.

IMO you need to start this way. He's not going to become a sex god overnight and it's a very unrealistic to expect he just touches you and you'll orgasm.

This website is written and created by women for women, sharing experiences and information. Might be of use to you: https://omgyes.com/

Personally I can climax from PIV but not often but it takes time and it’s not as good as clitoral stimulation. It’s possible you’re not experiencing a full orgasam as there are very few women who can climax after no foreplay and a few seconds of penetration.

If you want to explore your own body to actually work out what works for you I can highly recommend getting a Womanizer Pro / W500 https://www.womanizer.com/uk/w500?_gl=1u085hx_up*MQ..&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyMnTzqSohgMVAJNQBh3IcgntEAAYASAAEgIYZ_D_BwE

As sex toys go it’s extremely easy to use, external use only and in my experience has 100% success rate! If you do get one perhaps try it in front of your DH, he might like to get involved.

Is it possible that your DH has some unhelpful views on intimacy due to his religious background? He might need reassurance that what you want to share with him is normal in a marriage and not breaking any rules. Ultimately you can only resolve these issues by talking them through as a couple and for most couples sexual compatibility is really important to creating a stable and lasting relationship.

OP it sounds like both of you are a bit shy, which is understandable.

I think the first thing you need to do is make sure you understand how to climax by yourself (you may do already this is just in case). So then instead of you guiding his hand, you put your own hand on your clit and literally start stimulating yourself. Ideally, if you can, narrate so you can explain to him how you like things. "I love being touched slowly and then when it gets faster etc" . Many men love it when women are more verbal during sex and you can use this to describe what works for you. Then once you've stimulated yourself a bit, tell him to join in .. maybe start with something less difficult so say "kiss me on my stomach, or hold my ripples" or whatever you feel like. And then guide his fingers down and tell him exactly what to look for. He may not even know what he's looking for!
If through a combo of you and then him joining in gets you the orgasm, you can then let him in you for his. I suspect his prem ejaculations are down to pure inexperience perhaps and as you explore each other longer term it may settle. I'd give it a while more for that aspect