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Original poster

DH lied after friend died

145 replies

wonderings2 · 22/05/2024 11:21

DH's old school friend met a girl about 10 years ago and we all really hit it off, we had holidays together, nights out, DD was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. we were all very close. Around two years ago she started getting poorly and was admitted to hospital on and off but they could never get to the bottom of it, then fairly suddenly she went into organ failure and died. Although she had been poorly it was a huge shock to everyone and I was devasted as I didn’t get to the hospital in time to say good bye. Due to the way she died her DH insisted on a post mortem and so it was over two months before the funeral. I kept asking when I could go and see her but DH said there were no viewing's as it had been so long after she died and she wasn’t fit for viewings.

I'm struggling to process her dying and I know it sounds totally unhinged but it's like in some ways I haven't grasped she's died, I keep having to correct myself speaking about her in present tense and I have dreams where she didn’t die and it was all a mistake. I've said many times to DH that due to the circumstances it would have really helped if I could have seen her and said goodbye.

It was the 1st anniversary of her death at the weekend and I was speaking to one of her friends who made reference to her going to see her after she had died. It turns out you were able to see her after the postmortem in the funeral home.

I confronted DH and after some more lying (the friend was in hospital with her when she died and he tried to say that was what she was referring to) he eventually admitted that he thought it was best I didn’t go as it would upset me too much. I'm so mad, I'm in my 30's, I've been to see relatives after they have died, I don’t know why he thought he could make that decision for me??
I was very upset after she died and took the following day off work (much to his horror - he literally went straight back to work from the hospital the same day) but there were things I wanted to say to her and I wanted to be able to say goodbye.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset. He has said I just need to get over it, obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling.

OP posts:

UntiltheGirl · 22/05/2024 11:29

I don't see why you were only consulting with your husband about seeing your friend's body after she'd died -- why was he the authority? Wouldn't it have been the more obvious route to talk to her partner at the time? Or even the funeral home?

And I think you're unreasonable to blame your DH for your struggle to accept her death. It was high-handed of him to make the decision on your behalf, sure, but it sounds as if you're blaming him for your own understandable shock and grief.

sadnessand · 22/05/2024 11:30

I think he probably was well intentioned but lying was wrong. He should have been able to talk this through with you.
I didn't go to see my son after he died because I wanted to remember him as he was. I knew seeing his body would haunt me for ever. I had the conversation with my other children and they also chose not to see his body.
My poor husband didn't get that choice because he had to go and identify our son's body after he was found. I am forever in his debt for that and it is one of the many reasons I love him.
Only you can talk to your husband and get to the bottom of his reasons.

Dreamingofgreece · 22/05/2024 11:31

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
Advice on similar situations I've read about is to have your own ceremony where you can go to her grave if there is one or a place that brings back special memories of her.
Take flowers, light a candle maybe and most importantly talk to her and tell her how much she meant to you, how much you miss her etc.
Some people suggest writing all your feelings and thoughts down then burning the letter ?
Hope these ideas help you

HellonHeels · 22/05/2024 11:32

He had no right to make decisions for you. It's paternalistic and controlling.

HellonHeels · 22/05/2024 11:36

And I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. It must have been deeply shocking to lose her so suddenly.

Could you look into accessing some bereavement counselling? I had it after my father died and again when my husband died. Helped a lot. If you google bereavement counselling in your locality you'll find some services. It's not just for family bereavement.

OmuraWhale · 22/05/2024 11:39

He was wrong to make the decision for you, but I think he was well intentioned. He was misguidedly trying to protect you, which is easier to forgive than someone deliberately trying to hurt you.

crenellations · 22/05/2024 11:39

HellonHeels · 22/05/2024 11:32

He had no right to make decisions for you. It's paternalistic and controlling.

This. Lying is bad enough, but lying because he knew better than you about yourself is unacceptable.

Has he apologised? Is he usually casual withb the truth?

Leafalotta · 22/05/2024 11:46

Your DH was unreasonable and you need to unpack that with him, but I think you're focusing in on this too much. I'm not sure seeing her would have brought you the closure you are looking for. It would still be shocking, unbelievable and really hard and sad. A year is nothing in grief - it's not surprising you're still struggling to process it. Counseling could help you find other ways to say goodbye to your friend. After all her body wasn't her, just the vessel.

Also it sounds like you and your DH have totally different ways of grieving - he gets on with things and tries not to think too much about it, you want to take time to contemplate and work through it. He probably doesn't get why it's a big deal because it wouldn't be important to him. Neither of you is wrong, just different, you both need to respect that you have different approaches.

AllCatsAreAutistic · 22/05/2024 11:50

People who decide what other people can or cannot cope with are a massive pain in the neck. They don’t deserve to be in adult relationships if they can’t treat the other party like, well, an adult.

GentlemanJohnny · 22/05/2024 11:53

Your DH acted for what he thought was the best but fucked it up.

He has my sympathy.

Lucytheloose · 22/05/2024 11:56

GentlemanJohnny · 22/05/2024 11:53

Your DH acted for what he thought was the best but fucked it up.

He has my sympathy.

He gets none from me. I don’t waste my sympathy on controlling arseholes.

theresnolimits · 22/05/2024 11:58

I went to see my brother after he died and it has haunted me for years. Consequently I chose not to see my father or FIL.

There is no guarantee seeing her would have given you closure. Clearly your DH knows you have deep feelings and was trying to protect you. He didn’t do it to spite you or hurt you.

You need help to process this loss and you’re deflecting onto this incident. Focus on that.

TinyYellow · 22/05/2024 11:58

How did the friend DH feel about people going to see her body. Maybe he only invited specific people or the person that went asked him directly if they could.

I didn’t want loads of people seeing my husbands body after he died. I let a friend that was there to support me, but anyone else, especially those who wanted to go for their own benefit, would have been told no. I don’t think you can assume this was an option available to you anyway

lhlh · 22/05/2024 12:00

Sympathy to you op. My best friend died young and I had to go and visit her. It was very important for me to believe it had happened.

However, it is the final enduring image I have of her. Stone cold and tiny looking.

So maybe try to think that you could remember her as she was in life, instead of the haunting image I have?

and tell your husband not to lie to you again

Hoppinggreen · 22/05/2024 12:17

Some people feel that they have to be grief gatekeepers and decide when and how much to share.
MIL is one of these. She gets very upset but all sorts of things but will decide who to tell and when - sometimes you will get a dramatic phone call about someone you didn't really know who died and then other times she will carefully dish out bad news over a long period for dramatic effect.
When I was PG she told DH that under no circumstances was I to find out that SIL's MIL was ill as it would all be too much for me. For a start while its sad I met the woman twice and I very rarely get upset about anything like that. DH just dropped it into conversation and later got a bollocking from MIL when I mentioned it as I wasn't to know.
I am really sorry for your loss OP but not seeing her body makes no difference to how you felt about her - I know we all have different beliefs but she wasn't really there any more. I loved my Mum and miss her but not seeing her body plays no part in it for me

waterrat · 22/05/2024 12:19

I think you are pinning your grief onto this particular issue - it sounds hugely traumatic and distressing - but I would suggest forgiving your DH

I think generally people don't see the body post-death (in the Uk I don't think its common?) =- there is no garuntee at all it would have changed your feelings.

I would focus on healing, accepting the loss with a counsellor perhaps -

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 22/05/2024 12:20

sadnessand · 22/05/2024 11:30

Oh I’m so sorry ♥️

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/05/2024 12:26

Seems to me that your current response is exactly why you were told it wasn't possible.

Bereavement counselling might help more than confronting your husband and saying you'll never forgive him.

80s · 22/05/2024 12:36

Perhaps he couldn't cope with the idea of her body and was projecting / avoiding the whole idea / avoiding you possibly saying something about it / avoiding imagining what you might have seen if you'd gone?

As it was his friend's gf, I can see why you asked him rather than contacting the friend yourself. But it maybe your dh was stressed out by that responsibility? I note that he's not good with this kind of situation:

He has said I just need to get over it
Has he been brought up to "just get over it"? Him going straight to work from the hospital sounds like he's been brought up not to think too hard about bad things? It's a really poor coping strategy. My ex was like this and it did not go well.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset.
If this is really how you feel ... you don't have to stay with him. If this is mainly to get your anger/pain out, well I'm not sure it's going to make you feel better, and it might create a worse rift between the two of you. How about probing more into your dh's thought process (if he is actually capable of doing so)? That might require you to take a different approach, to get him to open up, though.

obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling
I recommend therapy for you both.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/05/2024 12:44

Personally I don't see the big issue about having to go and see her, you aren't immediate family and don't see why you had to go? Maybe you're from a different culture but I certainly don't think it's anyone's right.

HScully · 22/05/2024 12:48

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/05/2024 12:44

Absolutely, I have made it clear. I don't want anyone to visit me when I pass.

Tlolljs · 22/05/2024 12:50

I’m so sorry for your loss@sadnessand
The day I saw my dad in the funeral home is without a doubt the worst day of my life.
Maybe your dh was trying to help albeit clumsily and thoughtlessly.

Maddy70 · 22/05/2024 12:53

Maybe the friend's husband didnt want you to go and your DH was trying to be kind. Im not sure I would want hoards of folk gawping at my deceased spouse.

Maybe the other friend went and he changed his mind about allowing viewings

He knows you better than anyone and he was trying to protect you.
Of course he shouldn't have lied but we all tell white lies to protect those we love

Stainglasses · 22/05/2024 13:00

I think death is an area where people have very very different notions of how to cope with it and how to get things right / wrong. That’s why people are forever saying the “wrong thing” and upsetting others. Some like to repress, others don’t. I think your DH might have some concerns about you and so he’s trying to protect you. You can be aware of this in the future - but it sounds like the intention was kind. I think bereavement counselling would be wise.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 22/05/2024 13:01

Maybe you weren't as close as the other friend and your husband is trying to be kind.

I wouldn't expect a friend to want to see my dead body, to me that sort of thing is for family only.

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