DH lied after friend died

[wonderings2]

DH's old school friend met a girl about 10 years ago and we all really hit it off, we had holidays together, nights out, DD was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. we were all very close. Around two years ago she started getting poorly and was admitted to hospital on and off but they could never get to the bottom of it, then fairly suddenly she went into organ failure and died. Although she had been poorly it was a huge shock to everyone and I was devasted as I didn’t get to the hospital in time to say good bye. Due to the way she died her DH insisted on a post mortem and so it was over two months before the funeral. I kept asking when I could go and see her but DH said there were no viewing's as it had been so long after she died and she wasn’t fit for viewings.

I'm struggling to process her dying and I know it sounds totally unhinged but it's like in some ways I haven't grasped she's died, I keep having to correct myself speaking about her in present tense and I have dreams where she didn’t die and it was all a mistake. I've said many times to DH that due to the circumstances it would have really helped if I could have seen her and said goodbye.

It was the 1st anniversary of her death at the weekend and I was speaking to one of her friends who made reference to her going to see her after she had died. It turns out you were able to see her after the postmortem in the funeral home.

I confronted DH and after some more lying (the friend was in hospital with her when she died and he tried to say that was what she was referring to) he eventually admitted that he thought it was best I didn’t go as it would upset me too much. I'm so mad, I'm in my 30's, I've been to see relatives after they have died, I don’t know why he thought he could make that decision for me??
I was very upset after she died and took the following day off work (much to his horror - he literally went straight back to work from the hospital the same day) but there were things I wanted to say to her and I wanted to be able to say goodbye.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset. He has said I just need to get over it, obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling.

I find it odd that any friends viewed the body and that you feel this was something you should be able to do. Perhaps your partner felt uncomfortable asking your friend's DH - I wouldn't ask this of anyone. I would only expect very close family to view a body. I am sorry for your loss but I would try to move past this with your parter.

Your husband went over a line. If there is something I hate is when people make decisions for me, and funnily enough, it happens a lot around funerals.

Presumably you went to the funeral though?

And if her husband had quite reasonably not wanted people to see his wife’s body, are you seriously suggesting that you would never have found closure? Because that’s what you’re essentially saying. You’re saying that not being able to view her body means that you haven’t found closure, and yet this was always going to be a possibility.

Personally I think that wanting to view the body of someone who isn’t even a close relative to satisfy your own need is incredibly distasteful. And if it was me I would probably lie to my partner as well, because it would have been a better option than the argument over how inappropriate I thought it was.

And I will haunt anyone who wants to or allows anyone to view my dead body.

Despite the OP repeatedly asking her husband for two months before the funeral about seeing her friend, he lied and lied again and again, because he is so sure he knew best.
Such a fundamental disrespect of his wife and NOT his decision to make.
OP, you now know your husband is capable of lying repeatedly to your face, doesn't respect that YOU know whats best for YOU, and thinks he can tell you to "get over it" when HE behaves badly.
He's not a good guy.
You have every right to be very pissed off.
I hope some grieivment counselling helps you.

I’ve never heard of anyone viewing the body of someone who wasn’t family. In my experience I’ve never known of anyone viewing a body full stop but I know it does happen.

I can’t think of many things worse than going to look at someone months after their death, after a post mortem. It sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

This. This isn’t about the circumstances. It’s about him lying to you repeatedly about something incredibly important, thinking that he knows better than you when it comes to your own feelings, thinking he had the right to control what happened to you and what you were told of a hugely sensitive issue that directly affected you. How dare he. How absolutely dare he.

For those banging on about ooh maybe they didn’t want OP there etc - fine. A normal person with basic respect for their partner would discuss that with them! They would, if they knew that the husband didn’t want OP to visit or whatever, have a normal and honest conversation about it. Not some frankly ludicrous and REALLY insulting pack of lies, like you’d do to control a ten year old.

Yes I’d find that impossible to get past. I would lose trust and I would know that deep down they did not respect me one iota.

Agree. Like you I’d be so furious OP

Well, most cultures bury/cremate far quicker than the mainstream practice in the UK, even allowing for a postmortem, so it's not usually a matter of weeks, far less months.

Despite the OP repeatedly asking her husband for two months before the funeral about seeing her friend, he lied and lied again and again, because he is so sure he knew best. oh come on. Does anyone really think it’s appropriate for a random friend to view a body two months after the death?

Maybe he lied because the alternative would have been to tell her what he thought. Because frankly it’s an awful thing to even think you should have the right to do it. And to repeatedly ask about viewing a months old dead body is in such bad taste that I can’t believe anyone actually thinks that was ok.

From how you've posted and your reaction to your friend's passing, I can only assume your husband was trying to alleviate your obvious distress.
I agree that it wasn't his decision to make, however, you could have found out about viewings yourself.

I'm sorry that you're finding it all so difficult but , as PPs have suggested, some grief counselling would really help you.

All good wishes to you.

I wonder if he actually lied or if he just said no because he wasn’t prepared to ask the DH for OP to be able to view the body.

Really arrogant of him to make that decision for you.

Does he make other decisions for you?

We were warned not to view my MILs body after a post mortem. I did read the report which was pretty grim. They do examine everything so it's much worse than just seeing someone who died a peaceful death. I think your DH did it for the best, he may have been similarly warned.

Is she buried? If so can you go to the grave to speak to her? Or if her ashes were scattered can you go there to be close to her and say your goodbyes?

What do you mean "much worse" ? I've known 3 people who died and had post mortems.. They didn't look any different to those who hadn't

Didn’t you go to her funeral?

I can understand why your husband lied. You’re not family. You shouldn’t have seen her body and your husband is right if this is how you process grief.

You are acting as if a close family member died but the his person wasn’t a close family member and wasn’t a close friend to you.

In my family we only the only viewing occurred at the rosary and only immediate family members showed up. Not many people attended. My family would be appalled if random friends had shown up to look at their dead body.

You need to get therapy to understand why you think you need to be inside the circle of grief when you (in reality) sit very far outside the circle.

You need to get therapy to understand why you think you need to be inside the circle of grief when you (in reality) sit very far outside the circle

I think that's unfair.
The OP lost a very dear friend.

Nobody has the right to tell another person how they should feel or grieve.

No - sorry you absolutely do not get to make that statement. Did you consider he also lost a friend to and made a decision, albeit maybe not the right one, during his own grief? He obviously did it through kindness. I relate to the OP as two family members died suddenly and my uncle told me not to view the bodies as that would be how I remembered them (rather than how they were in life) and I regret this as I find it hard to accept they have actually died. But, i understand his advice was from a place of kindness. I also understand I would likely have regrets even if I did see the bodies.

OP you’ve been given some good advice about bereavement on this thread. I hope some of it helps you 🫶 x

Depends on how they did it. Some are done via scans now but it further investigation is needed it’s the traditional way.

Did you consider he also lost a friend to and made a decision, albeit maybe not the right one, during his own grief? He obviously did it through kindness. I relate to the OP as two family members died suddenly and my uncle told me not to view the bodies as that would be how I remembered them (rather than how they were in life) and I regret this as I find it hard to accept they have actually died.

I'm sorry for your loss but I don't see how that contradicts what I said - would you have preferred that they lied to you about having the choice? It's totally fine to give his advice or opinion but removing OP's agency completely is not something I would find acceptable.

I do accept I'm in the minority on MN wrt prioritising honesty, though. It's important to me not to be misled.

When my friend died, I saw her in the funeral home and really wish I hadn’t.

The funeral home did tell her daughter that anyone can see a body there and they couldn’t stop that.

never heard of a funeral home charging per visit!!

That still doesn't answer my question.. how would a body look any different if the post mortem was done the "Traditional way"

You cannot blame your partner for your extended grief. That’s a copout you need bereavement counselling

I also really dislike it when people make unilateral decisions about what I can or can’t cope with. Its really patronising and unhelpful when someone ignores your wishes and decides they know better how to help you. I find that usually its nothing to do with you and everything about them.

Of course it does. You’re suggesting the OPs husband did it because they’re a controlling person - when it’s very clear to anyone with an ounce of empathy in their body that the husband would also be grieving. And perhaps the husband was protecting their friend, who lost their partner, from people outside of their family bothering them!!

Depends if they’ve been embalmed I guess.