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Original poster

DH lied after friend died

145 replies

wonderings2 · 22/05/2024 11:21

DH's old school friend met a girl about 10 years ago and we all really hit it off, we had holidays together, nights out, DD was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. we were all very close. Around two years ago she started getting poorly and was admitted to hospital on and off but they could never get to the bottom of it, then fairly suddenly she went into organ failure and died. Although she had been poorly it was a huge shock to everyone and I was devasted as I didn’t get to the hospital in time to say good bye. Due to the way she died her DH insisted on a post mortem and so it was over two months before the funeral. I kept asking when I could go and see her but DH said there were no viewing's as it had been so long after she died and she wasn’t fit for viewings.

I'm struggling to process her dying and I know it sounds totally unhinged but it's like in some ways I haven't grasped she's died, I keep having to correct myself speaking about her in present tense and I have dreams where she didn’t die and it was all a mistake. I've said many times to DH that due to the circumstances it would have really helped if I could have seen her and said goodbye.

It was the 1st anniversary of her death at the weekend and I was speaking to one of her friends who made reference to her going to see her after she had died. It turns out you were able to see her after the postmortem in the funeral home.

I confronted DH and after some more lying (the friend was in hospital with her when she died and he tried to say that was what she was referring to) he eventually admitted that he thought it was best I didn’t go as it would upset me too much. I'm so mad, I'm in my 30's, I've been to see relatives after they have died, I don’t know why he thought he could make that decision for me??
I was very upset after she died and took the following day off work (much to his horror - he literally went straight back to work from the hospital the same day) but there were things I wanted to say to her and I wanted to be able to say goodbye.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset. He has said I just need to get over it, obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling.

OP posts:
Roundroundthegarden · 22/05/2024 21:56

WatieKatie · 22/05/2024 21:52

Your DH had absolutely no right to take away your right to see your friend, you are an equal not a child.

However surely you reached out to his friend following her death, why didn’t you just ask him directly?

What right??

Neodymium · 22/05/2024 21:58

Close family only at a viewing. A friend wanting to attend a viewing is weird to me. Maybe her husband said that he didnt want people there?

ButterCrackers · 22/05/2024 21:58

Make the time to have a celebration of her life. Think of her and all the good times. Perhaps you could plant a tree for her with a charity project. Your dh took a decision and it has hurt you but you can still honour your friend’s memory.

Noseybookworm · 22/05/2024 22:46

Is it possible that he felt his friend wouldn't have been comfortable with anyone outside family or very close friends viewing his partner's body? I would have thought it's only usually close family who do that. I think you have to find a way to make your peace with it, maybe some bereavement counselling? I think your DH probably told a white lie with good intentions, to protect your feelings.

tiggergoesbounce · 22/05/2024 22:54

Maybe it was the family wishes that only family visit her body.

He should have just said that though if it were the case, but you can't blame your DH. If you wanted to go, you could have spoken to the partner and found out how to see her.

I think you need counselling to help you get over this

katebushh · 22/05/2024 23:11

I think you're grieving and are struggling to understand why her death has affected you more then you might have thought and are taking it out on your husband.

Yes I do think he was out of order but you're just causing yourself more pain with this new blame situation.

Sceptical123 · 22/05/2024 23:20

sadnessand · 22/05/2024 11:30

I think he probably was well intentioned but lying was wrong. He should have been able to talk this through with you.
I didn't go to see my son after he died because I wanted to remember him as he was. I knew seeing his body would haunt me for ever. I had the conversation with my other children and they also chose not to see his body.
My poor husband didn't get that choice because he had to go and identify our son's body after he was found. I am forever in his debt for that and it is one of the many reasons I love him.
Only you can talk to your husband and get to the bottom of his reasons.

I’m so sorry for your loss 😔

crenellations · 23/05/2024 07:18

PuddlesPityParty · 22/05/2024 18:03

Of course it does. You’re suggesting the OPs husband did it because they’re a controlling person - when it’s very clear to anyone with an ounce of empathy in their body that the husband would also be grieving. And perhaps the husband was protecting their friend, who lost their partner, from people outside of their family bothering them!!

Show quote history

I think we'll have to agree to disagree then. In your position you feel lying to you would've made your situation better.
I think when I'm grieving is a time when I would particularly prefer NOT to have my decisions based on untruths. I don't know either way if he has a controlling personality or just decided he knew better out of "kindness" but the outcome is the same - he chose to make the decision for her and was dishonest about it.

I would just like to make the point that please don't assume everyone is in a better position after being lied to, especially when they are making important decisions based on the false information. If you're trying not to hurt someone, there are definitely people out there that would put "lying to their face" as more hurtful than whatever the outcome of the decision is. Please allow them agency to decide for themselves. I'm not trying to pick on you, just trying to explain my position (and try and understand yours!).

crenellations · 23/05/2024 07:36

Whether or not he is a "controlling" person generally is unknown. But his actions literally served to control OP's - to give her only one outcome.

He said that to make her do that.

Yes, you can argue he did that out of kindness or grief - presumably that is what he felt he was doing.

PuddlesPityParty · 23/05/2024 07:47

crenellations · 23/05/2024 07:18

I think we'll have to agree to disagree then. In your position you feel lying to you would've made your situation better.
I think when I'm grieving is a time when I would particularly prefer NOT to have my decisions based on untruths. I don't know either way if he has a controlling personality or just decided he knew better out of "kindness" but the outcome is the same - he chose to make the decision for her and was dishonest about it.

I would just like to make the point that please don't assume everyone is in a better position after being lied to, especially when they are making important decisions based on the false information. If you're trying not to hurt someone, there are definitely people out there that would put "lying to their face" as more hurtful than whatever the outcome of the decision is. Please allow them agency to decide for themselves. I'm not trying to pick on you, just trying to explain my position (and try and understand yours!).

Show quote history

I don’t lie to people to make them feel better (generally speaking). My point is the OPs husband was also grieving and likely protecting their friend.

your jump to them immediately being controlling and horrible was too much (and very mumsnet). It suggests you lack empathy as I have already said.

DoreenonTill8 · 23/05/2024 07:50

cointos · 22/05/2024 20:52

Well on the bright side you've made me realise I should speak to DH and make sure he knows that I don't want people coming to view my body if I die. How ghoulish.

Absolutely, I'm incredulous op and others have this belief of her 'right' to view her friends body, it sounds a bit grief vampire to me, why wouldn't the funeral be enough to say your goodbyes.

Sunnyandsilly · 23/05/2024 07:58

I mean this gently but your extreme reaction to her death is making it all about you, and as much as he shouldn’t have done it, everyone was grieving, it wasn’t just about you, and I can see why he may have tried to keep you away.

Sunnyandsilly · 23/05/2024 08:01

Roundroundthegarden · 22/05/2024 21:15

Op I get that you were close but you really made this so much about you. Maybe your DH did not want to put this on the husband who just lost his wife. To them you were a friend just like many they probably had and did not want 'viewers'. It seemed at that time it really impacted you, and perhaps your dh did not want to upset his friend? It sounds like a traumatic loss so maybe they wanted privacy.

I agree with this, I had a very close friend pass quickly after a short illness last year, after knowing each other since kids, and for 30 years. I would not have dreamed of going to see her in th4 funeral home, that would have been so so intrusive. At that point it is about her family. The op really is making her death all about her.

sonjadog · 23/05/2024 08:28

The OP says in her first post that another friend went to see her. So presumably this family was okay with people doing that.

Some people on MN really do search for any reason to get the boot in.

MenopauseSucks · 23/05/2024 08:29

Yes he was lying which wasn't the best thing to do.
However the friends that did see her were probably asked by the deceased's husband rather than it being a general free for all.
Who knows? Your DH might have been trying to protect you from finding out you weren't seen by the deceased's husband as one of the inner circle.

perfectcolourfound · 23/05/2024 09:27

Dolma · 22/05/2024 20:58

Then as a grown adult she can make her own arrangements with the family to view the body. If that isn't appropriate because she doesn't have a sufficiently close relationship with the family without using her husband as an intermediary then she shouldn't be intruding on a grieving family by asking in the first place.

Show quote history

I agree with you. It doesn't remove the DH was out of order.

XiCi · 23/05/2024 09:58

Funeral home viewings are for close family only. He should have discussed this with you but it sounds like he was trying to navigate what he believed to be a disproportionate reaction to her death.

Original poster
wonderings2 · 23/05/2024 11:14

I cant keep up with these but just to clear a few things up as I have also spoken to some other friends:

  • My friends DH requested that she be dressed in a specific outfit so when her friends saw her for the last time they would remember her at that event - apparently he expected that people would want to say goodbye especially as it was becoming obvious that the funeral would take weeks.
  • If the friends DH had requested no visits of course I would have respected that, I did not feel entitled to it.
  • DH and I were spending a lot of time with the friends DH in the months after her death, there were lots of practicalities to attend to (her financial situation was complicated) which my DH and a few close friends helped with. Myself and the friends friends were were in contact with him most days, cooking food for him, doing his washing, making phone calls etc and help comfort his DD.
  • She had no living immediate family - they had all died.
  • I had no reason to believe DH was lying, I had even mentioned to my DH that when I saw my Nan after she died I didn't take any comfort from it but I'm glad I did because at least I didn't have any regrets however it was a very different situation as I was there when she died and the weeks leading up to it.
  • There is theme of minimalizing a "friend" in some of the comments which I think is sad, we were all very close and to minimalize the relationship because we weren't related is short sighted - we were very close.
  • It shouldn't matter if you believe in visiting someone after they have died or not, her and her DH wishes were that people could visit her and I wanted to. Its not morbid or guolish if its something you take comfort from.

Thank you for all the comments regarding getting some help, it is the first person since my teens that is around my age and it certainly hits home a bit harder. I will look into this as I know I'm struggling and lashing out at DH wont help.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderings2 · 23/05/2024 11:24

Exactlab · 22/05/2024 17:26

Didn’t you go to her funeral?

I can understand why your husband lied. You’re not family. You shouldn’t have seen her body and your husband is right if this is how you process grief.

You are acting as if a close family member died but the his person wasn’t a close family member and wasn’t a close friend to you.

In my family we only the only viewing occurred at the rosary and only immediate family members showed up. Not many people attended. My family would be appalled if random friends had shown up to look at their dead body.

You need to get therapy to understand why you think you need to be inside the circle of grief when you (in reality) sit very far outside the circle.

How on earth would you know where in the circle I sat, she had no close relatives at all.

Yes I attended the funeral

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderings2 · 23/05/2024 11:27

XiCi · 23/05/2024 09:58

Funeral home viewings are for close family only. He should have discussed this with you but it sounds like he was trying to navigate what he believed to be a disproportionate reaction to her death.

That's not true, she was visited by many people. I have admitted Im stuggling a year after she died but taking the day off work after someone has died and crying sometimes in the weeks after a close friends death and is not a disproportionate reaction, seriously this is stiff upper lip gone mad....

OP posts:
Itsonlymashadow · 23/05/2024 12:25

So you spent lots of time with the bereaved husband of your friend. You knew he dressed her a certain way for her friends to see her, so know he was expecting friends to go see her. You helped him out in lots of supportive ways. You are clearly also friends with him.

Why did you not arrange it with him? Rather than go through your husband?

I find it odd that you were so hands on and in so much contact with the husband, neither you or the husband brought up when would be a good time to see her. Especially since he wanted friends to go see her. Did he never say to you ‘the funeral home have been in touch and people can go see her’ or mention he had been to see her?

I don’t think taking a day off after a friend died is disproportionate, but struggling this much a year after is concerning. And I do think it might be because she was close in age to you. I do get the sense that you might be a bit angry that your husband doesn’t appear to have taken it as badly as you and that could be feeding some of your anger now. Maybe some resentment that he has moved on and you haven’t? Just a suggestion.

UntiltheGirl · 23/05/2024 12:29

Exactly, @Itsonlymashadow. It's completely arbitrary for the OP to blame her husband for something she had ample opportunity to arrange herself with the person most intimately involved, whom she was seeing on a daily basis, helping out with chores, food etc. There's something else going on here.

crenellations · 23/05/2024 12:49

PuddlesPityParty · 23/05/2024 07:47

I don’t lie to people to make them feel better (generally speaking). My point is the OPs husband was also grieving and likely protecting their friend.

your jump to them immediately being controlling and horrible was too much (and very mumsnet). It suggests you lack empathy as I have already said.

Show quote history

I haven't at all said he was horrible - perhaps you have confused me with another poster. I said his action - lying about practicalities - was intended to control what the OP did by removing her choice. That is the thing I would find unacceptable. You seem to be saying it is acceptable if it is done for a kindly intended reason. That's fine for you to have that opinion!

I have a great deal of empathy with the person whose choice in how they deal with grief was deliberately controlled - perhaps for an understandable reason, but it happened, she experienced that, and I empathise with that.

PuddlesPityParty · 23/05/2024 13:21

crenellations · 23/05/2024 12:49

I haven't at all said he was horrible - perhaps you have confused me with another poster. I said his action - lying about practicalities - was intended to control what the OP did by removing her choice. That is the thing I would find unacceptable. You seem to be saying it is acceptable if it is done for a kindly intended reason. That's fine for you to have that opinion!

I have a great deal of empathy with the person whose choice in how they deal with grief was deliberately controlled - perhaps for an understandable reason, but it happened, she experienced that, and I empathise with that.

Show quote history

No but you’re implying it through what you’ve been written.

I’ve not said that?? I’m saying that the husband was also experiencing a loss and we don’t always act rationally. The husband was also grieving and made a decision - when you grieve it’s not always the right choice. I also don’t understand why if everyone was so close, and the OP was supporting the friends partner anyway, why she couldn’t have asked him herself; there was no need for her husband to be involved so she needs to take a bit of responsibility there herself I’m afraid.

I bet if the roles were reversed you’d be reassuring the OP it’s okay.

PuddlesPityParty · 23/05/2024 13:22

UntiltheGirl · 23/05/2024 12:29

Exactly, @Itsonlymashadow. It's completely arbitrary for the OP to blame her husband for something she had ample opportunity to arrange herself with the person most intimately involved, whom she was seeing on a daily basis, helping out with chores, food etc. There's something else going on here.

I agree.

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