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Original poster

DH lied after friend died

145 replies

wonderings2 · 22/05/2024 11:21

DH's old school friend met a girl about 10 years ago and we all really hit it off, we had holidays together, nights out, DD was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. we were all very close. Around two years ago she started getting poorly and was admitted to hospital on and off but they could never get to the bottom of it, then fairly suddenly she went into organ failure and died. Although she had been poorly it was a huge shock to everyone and I was devasted as I didn’t get to the hospital in time to say good bye. Due to the way she died her DH insisted on a post mortem and so it was over two months before the funeral. I kept asking when I could go and see her but DH said there were no viewing's as it had been so long after she died and she wasn’t fit for viewings.

I'm struggling to process her dying and I know it sounds totally unhinged but it's like in some ways I haven't grasped she's died, I keep having to correct myself speaking about her in present tense and I have dreams where she didn’t die and it was all a mistake. I've said many times to DH that due to the circumstances it would have really helped if I could have seen her and said goodbye.

It was the 1st anniversary of her death at the weekend and I was speaking to one of her friends who made reference to her going to see her after she had died. It turns out you were able to see her after the postmortem in the funeral home.

I confronted DH and after some more lying (the friend was in hospital with her when she died and he tried to say that was what she was referring to) he eventually admitted that he thought it was best I didn’t go as it would upset me too much. I'm so mad, I'm in my 30's, I've been to see relatives after they have died, I don’t know why he thought he could make that decision for me??
I was very upset after she died and took the following day off work (much to his horror - he literally went straight back to work from the hospital the same day) but there were things I wanted to say to her and I wanted to be able to say goodbye.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset. He has said I just need to get over it, obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling.

OP posts:
ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 22/05/2024 13:09

Everyone telling the OP that it wouldn’t have helped seems to have missed the bit in her post where she says she had been to see relatives after death previously and her husband is aware of that. It doesn’t appear he had any good reason to lie to her on this occasion.

I think bereavement counselling is a good suggestion and perhaps relationship
counselling wouldn’t be a bad idea either as he doesn’t seem to accept that OP should be grieving?

Harvestfestivalknickers · 22/05/2024 13:18

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 22/05/2024 13:09

Everyone telling the OP that it wouldn’t have helped seems to have missed the bit in her post where she says she had been to see relatives after death previously and her husband is aware of that. It doesn’t appear he had any good reason to lie to her on this occasion.

I think bereavement counselling is a good suggestion and perhaps relationship
counselling wouldn’t be a bad idea either as he doesn’t seem to accept that OP should be grieving?

I think the key point is ' she saw RELATIVES after death'. Maybe the family wanted it to be private, I certainly would. I don't want friends to see me after I pass. I think it should be about what the grieving family want.

takemeawayagain · 22/05/2024 13:19

I don't know why people are making excuses for your husband, what else does he think he knows better than you about? It's not up to him to decide what you get to do or not do, it's extremely controlling and he's treating you like you're a child. Then to make it even worse he's lying about it.

Would he be ok with you getting the family into a lot of debt and not telling him 'to protect him'? Would he be ok with you sleeping with other people and not telling him 'to protect him'? He has taken away your agency and I would be fucking furious.

No matter what 'concerns' he had the choice should have been yours to make. It was nothing to do with him.

SOxon · 22/05/2024 13:26

GentlemanJohnny · 22/05/2024 11:53

Your DH acted for what he thought was the best but fucked it up.

He has my sympathy.

I think its about time we had a downvote on here

sadnessand · 22/05/2024 13:34

I would hate the idea of others seeing my son after his death. It was enough that his dad had to do that. It is such a private and personal thing and I am certain my son would not have wanted anyone, even his friends, to see him. Even in death, I would not have wanted his privacy and dignity violated. If his friends had asked me, I would have politely refused. I would definitely have expected them to ask permission.

ginasevern · 22/05/2024 14:06

OP, is this the first person you've known of your own age die? If so, it would explain your instense reaction and disbelief. It hits much closer to home and is very hard to reconcile when someone relatively young dies.

Personally I think that seeing her dead body would not have brought you the solace you thought it would. It can in fact have the opposite effect. I also don't think anyone has an automatic right to see someone after they've died unless they are sure the deceased would have consented.

I've think you've built this into something it isn't because you've been denied. Either way, your husband shouldn't have lied but he did it with every good intention.

You really are going to have to let this go. I'm sure your friend would want you to enjoy your life instead of agonising over seeing her dead body.

CampervanKween · 22/05/2024 14:11

Oh goodness no I don't want anyone other than family seeing me when I'm dead. I didn't even realise this was a thing. I'm going to have to leave instructions now just in case.

Grotbagg · 22/05/2024 14:14

sadnessand · 22/05/2024 11:30

I think he probably was well intentioned but lying was wrong. He should have been able to talk this through with you.
I didn't go to see my son after he died because I wanted to remember him as he was. I knew seeing his body would haunt me for ever. I had the conversation with my other children and they also chose not to see his body.
My poor husband didn't get that choice because he had to go and identify our son's body after he was found. I am forever in his debt for that and it is one of the many reasons I love him.
Only you can talk to your husband and get to the bottom of his reasons.

@sadnessand im so very sorry for your loss

Itsonlymashadow · 22/05/2024 14:28

I don’t think he should have lied. However, do you believe he did do it from good intentions? How is he usually?

I fully believed mum shouldn’t have gone to the funeral home to see her mum. Because I had been through it with her before with other relatives. I know it wouldn’t help her and make it worse. And it did. I wouldn’t have made the decision for her though, but me not wanting her to was out of concern for her. Not to control her. But we had a good relationship shop outside that.

I think deciding it’s his fault you are struggling is an over reaction. You actually have no idea. Every bereavement is different. It could be better or you could have been worse. I think being upset with him over what he did is fine. I think then attaching extra responsibility to that action (especially hypothetical) isn’t helpful for anyone.

DaffydownClock · 22/05/2024 14:31

I’m not sure that you would have been able to see her anyway, surely only close family members could do that? I certainly don’t understand why you think you were entitled to.

Toddlerteaplease · 22/05/2024 14:32

Maybe her husband didn't want a lot of people going to see her?

Toddlerteaplease · 22/05/2024 14:37

I certainly wouldn't want loads of people seeing me.

Alicewinn · 22/05/2024 14:42

crenellations · 22/05/2024 11:39

This. Lying is bad enough, but lying because he knew better than you about yourself is unacceptable.

Has he apologised? Is he usually casual withb the truth?

Show quote history

I think that's quite controlling behaviour of your OH, and would have driven me mad as well. You know yourself best and there is also a great deal of evidence to say that seeing a dead body helps/speeds up the grief process. I don't think it's protective, I think it's controlling

WaitingForMojo · 22/05/2024 14:43

I’d find this very difficult to forgive, and your DH had no right to make that decision for you.

pizzaHeart · 22/05/2024 14:57

ginasevern · 22/05/2024 14:06

OP, is this the first person you've known of your own age die? If so, it would explain your instense reaction and disbelief. It hits much closer to home and is very hard to reconcile when someone relatively young dies.

Personally I think that seeing her dead body would not have brought you the solace you thought it would. It can in fact have the opposite effect. I also don't think anyone has an automatic right to see someone after they've died unless they are sure the deceased would have consented.

I've think you've built this into something it isn't because you've been denied. Either way, your husband shouldn't have lied but he did it with every good intention.

You really are going to have to let this go. I'm sure your friend would want you to enjoy your life instead of agonising over seeing her dead body.

I agree with this^
When your friends are dying before their time it usually hits you differently and harder. That’s why you probably feel so strongly, not because you haven’t seen her body.
I had similar experience (it was an accident and I was away) Our mutual friends could call me but they were hit hard by grief, so I was trying to think positively- it gave me chance to remember my friend as he was. I also had dreams for quite a while and actually found it’s comforting - I wanted to keep a memory.
Could you visit your friend’s grave?

I would have a conversation with your DH why he lied but calm and reasonable, trying to understand the differences between your views for the future.

Daniki · 22/05/2024 15:01

I agree I think he was well intentioned and I feel your grief is clouding your judgement. Might be worthwhile finding someone neutral to talk to like a therapist to help you come to terms with your feelings? Things might be clearer then (also I'm sorry about your friend 😥)

DullFanFiction · 22/05/2024 15:05

UntiltheGirl · 22/05/2024 11:29

I don't see why you were only consulting with your husband about seeing your friend's body after she'd died -- why was he the authority? Wouldn't it have been the more obvious route to talk to her partner at the time? Or even the funeral home?

And I think you're unreasonable to blame your DH for your struggle to accept her death. It was high-handed of him to make the decision on your behalf, sure, but it sounds as if you're blaming him for your own understandable shock and grief.

I disagree.
You should be able to trust your dh on telling the truth.
And there was no reason why she would doubt him and had to go and check if he was right.

DullFanFiction · 22/05/2024 15:08

GentlemanJohnny · 22/05/2024 11:53

Your DH acted for what he thought was the best but fucked it up.

He has my sympathy.

Sorry but fuck that.

Should people also be sorry for him because he LIED to his dwife about something that was clearly very important for her and she then decide he has broken her trust beyond repair?

Plus he didn’t have the right to decide FOR HER what was best. Is he god that he can fully put himself into her shoes and decide what’s best? Why would he know ‘best’? Because he is a man?

WayOutOfLine · 22/05/2024 15:10

He was in the wrong, it was your decision to make and the courteous and kind thing to do would be for him to apologise now, now he sees how upset you are.

As to whether this would help, I think viewing a body is a very intimate thing to do and I don't know how I feel about inviting friends along for that. Certainly when my husband died, only me and one other relative saw him immediately after death, spent about 30 min and that was that, bodies do deteriorate and even his own parents were advised not to view him a bit later on.

I think this has raised an interesting issue many of us won't have thought about, I mean I am fine to view bodies and find it helpful, but not all of us want to be viewed.

The ideas for saying what you want to say to your friend are a good idea, writing a card/letter and memorializing something for her, lighting a candle in a church if you are so inclined. She is gone, and it is sad and final, and nothing, not even viewing her body would have changed that.

TheShellBeach · 22/05/2024 15:12

GentlemanJohnny · 22/05/2024 11:53

Your DH acted for what he thought was the best but fucked it up.

He has my sympathy.

Well he doesn't have mine.
He had no right to decide such an important thing on his wife's behalf.

TheShellBeach · 22/05/2024 15:13

And OP I'm very sorry you've found yourself in this distressing situation.
Flowers

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/05/2024 15:16

He was wrong not to give you the truth but don't rely on that seeing her would make you feel better and able to say goodbye. I saw my gran after she died and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life, I can't shake the image of her dead, it was more than five years ago now but when I think of her that's the image I see in my mind. If I had the option to see someone after death again I wouldn't

Dinoswearunderpants · 22/05/2024 15:17

Ever considered your friends DH didn't want every one to go view his wife? The family have a right to privacy. Not to mention, the funeral home charge around £50 every time they have a viewing. It's absolute robbery.

DullFanFiction · 22/05/2024 15:19

@wonderings2 im really really sorry for your loss. She was clearly a very dear friend and her death must have come as real shock.

From what you said, your dh and you dealt with grief in a very different way.

He chose to put his grief in his pocket and ‘move on’ asap. Probably because actually looking at death, how quickly it happened to someone his age etc…is hard to do. Hence he just went back to work agd that was it. Also why he is struggling with you mentioning her death again, and saying YOU wanted to see her etc….

You, on the other side, needed the ‘confirmation’, time to reminisce/remember. To start going through the grief instead of ignoring it.

Your dh was wrong to assume his way was right. (How présomptueuse)
He was wrong to lie.

Now you need to deal with two things : your grief for your friend and the fact your dh lied/though he knew better/broke your trust.

If you can, could you have a small ceremony, even just for yourself, remembering her, lighting a candle maybe? You could write her a letter to say goodbye and anything else you’d like to tell her.

And re your dh, I think you need to tell him again how unacceptable his lying was. That it’s not about the subject of the lie but about the lie itself. About the broken trust.
What does he think he can do to repair that trust?
Has he ever broken your trust, maybe in a different way? Or a ted as if he knew best and he was the one in charge and deciding on things that affect you (but maybe not even him)

DoreenonTill8 · 22/05/2024 15:27

Dinoswearunderpants · 22/05/2024 15:17

Ever considered your friends DH didn't want every one to go view his wife? The family have a right to privacy. Not to mention, the funeral home charge around £50 every time they have a viewing. It's absolute robbery.

This, did you not go to the funeral?