DH lied after friend died

[wonderings2]

DH's old school friend met a girl about 10 years ago and we all really hit it off, we had holidays together, nights out, DD was bridesmaid at their wedding etc. we were all very close. Around two years ago she started getting poorly and was admitted to hospital on and off but they could never get to the bottom of it, then fairly suddenly she went into organ failure and died. Although she had been poorly it was a huge shock to everyone and I was devasted as I didn’t get to the hospital in time to say good bye. Due to the way she died her DH insisted on a post mortem and so it was over two months before the funeral. I kept asking when I could go and see her but DH said there were no viewing's as it had been so long after she died and she wasn’t fit for viewings.

I'm struggling to process her dying and I know it sounds totally unhinged but it's like in some ways I haven't grasped she's died, I keep having to correct myself speaking about her in present tense and I have dreams where she didn’t die and it was all a mistake. I've said many times to DH that due to the circumstances it would have really helped if I could have seen her and said goodbye.

It was the 1st anniversary of her death at the weekend and I was speaking to one of her friends who made reference to her going to see her after she had died. It turns out you were able to see her after the postmortem in the funeral home.

I confronted DH and after some more lying (the friend was in hospital with her when she died and he tried to say that was what she was referring to) he eventually admitted that he thought it was best I didn’t go as it would upset me too much. I'm so mad, I'm in my 30's, I've been to see relatives after they have died, I don’t know why he thought he could make that decision for me??
I was very upset after she died and took the following day off work (much to his horror - he literally went straight back to work from the hospital the same day) but there were things I wanted to say to her and I wanted to be able to say goodbye.

I've told him it's his fault I'm struggling to get over her dying and I'll never forgive him - an overreaction I'm sure but I'm so upset. He has said I just need to get over it, obviously I can't go back in time but I'm really struggling.

I hope you are ok OP, and are able to grieve properly for someone who you clearly cared for a lot. Take care & look after yourself.

I cannot understand why you didn't ask your friends DH who you were supporting so closely @wonderings2 . Why? That's really odd behaviour. Infact, I'm surprised it didn't come up at all with him or other friends.
I am sorry for your loss, don't understand the comments here saying you were only friends. It makes me think those posters don't have any close friends at all and that's sad.

Because she trusted her dh?
She had no reason not to believe him.

No one is saying she should have asked the friends husband due to not trusting her husband.

But given the husband and Op were in contact and the husband dressed his deceased wife in clothes chosen with the friends in mind and Op was practically and emotionally supporting him, it makes no sense that the conversation about Op seeing her friend, her friend being ready to be seen or even mention of the many people that did go see her (who some of are also Ops friends) it never once came up and hasn't come up for an entire year.

As I understand it, these details have only come out since OP found out that she could have visited her friend. As she didn't know it was possible before, she didn't discuss it with her other friends.

That's what doesn't make sense.

Makes sense to me that she wouldn't talk to her friends about something her husband had already told her would not be happening.

I’m so sorry you are grieving for your friend.

My immediate reaction to your post was to wonder what else he has lied about. He was convincing enough to make you believe it was impossible to see your friend - that kind of confident lying isn’t a one off.

He had absolutely no right to take it upon himself to make this decision for you. You are your own person. & then to lie about it, too is shocking. I could never do that to someone in your situation. Im so sorry OP - can you access bereavement counselling and just visit your friend's resting place. Talk to her, say all that you want to say

The Bereavement Board on MN is good too

Funeral home viewings are for who the funeral home want to let in as per their policies. Not necessarily for close family only

What are all these posts saying the OP wasn’t a close friend to the deceased when she says she was? How do they know?!

OK. It doesn't to me.

He dressed her with her friends in mind for when they saw her. Never mentioned that to Op despite her being a close friend and her spending lots of time supporting him and helping him sort things.

All their joint friends also simply didn't mention they had seen her, non mentioned it to the friend husband or each other in front of her. Lots of people saw the friend but didn't ever mention it near op?

You think it makes sense. I don't. I think it appears multiple people may have kept it from op.

Surely if you were in contact with the deceased’s husband every day and doing his washing you old have heard from him at some point that lots of people were visiting the funeral home? Lots of close friends going for weeks in between death and funeral isn’t something that would be easily kept from someone who is heavily involved in supporting the deceased’s husband.

There must be more of a reason why your DH would have done this if he really did go out of his way to prevent you from going.

Yes and the husband hadn't actually asked when op was planning to go?

People process grief differently - I am one of those who needs closure - i have seen many relatives after deaths etc - you dh on the other hand had NO right to tell you or lie to you about not being able to see her - imo thats out of order - i won't be able to forgive this.

I would struggle to forgive this. It's not about how close you were or whether friends should visit the funeral home.

The fact is your dh decided you shouldn't go m. He knew you wanted to go but chose to lie so you didn't go.
Then when caught out he continued to lie.

You are not a child it's not his job to parent you. It doesn't matter what his reasons were he shouldn't have decided for you and he shouldn't have lied.

@80s theyre talking about the man whose wife died, not her other friends she was chatting to.

@Exactlab you're definitely not Irish...

In lots of cultures seeing the body isn't this intimate private thing, it's very public and expected, OP is not trying to get inside any "circle."

Tbh, this.

I think some counselling might help you let this go? I'm very much in the bank that seeeing a body after death is helpful, as I'm Irish and it is standard here. But for various reasons it doesn't always happen and you have to come to terms with a death without it. So you need to do this somehow. Your anger at your DH is very understandable though.