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Original poster

Having or not having siblings as an adult

102 replies

user1493039869 · 21/05/2024 11:01

Hello!

I would like to hear how people feel about being an only child as an adult.

Also if you are someone who has a sibling 9 ish yrs younger/older than yourself, how did you feel about that as a child and an adult. Are you close?

Or anyone with children with that large age gap, how do you find it?

I am umming and ahhing about having a 2nd, but my son is 8 so he will be at least 9 years older than his sibling. I keep talking myself in and out of it.0

OP posts:
leftkneeonbackwards · 21/05/2024 11:04

I have siblings, but none of us live in the same country or have any regular contact. I dont think it matters once you are an adult

randomas · 21/05/2024 11:08

Youngest of 6 here. 12 years and 10 years between me and the two oldest we have always been very close. They tested me like thier own child. Always buying me things and taking me out when that started working at 18. We are very close now as adults I ask them for advice.

My and the next youngest sibling fought like hell but were also best friends. A very live hate relationship. We did everything together though and still do.

My middle siblings both very quiet and just didn't really argue or not get along with everyone. They probably secretly like eachother the most.

I suppose it depends on personality's too

Orangelover · 21/05/2024 11:10

I don't have any siblings and it doesn't bother me! I'm very close to my parents and have managed to form close bonds with friends.

DH has two siblings, absolutely nothing in common with them and sees them a couple of times a year. Perfectly nice people though.

LMMuffet · 21/05/2024 11:12

I think it’s a bad idea to have a child if you are only doing it in order to provide a sibling for a child you already have. They will be a person in their own right and you should only have a child if you want one, not as a companion for someone else. It will massively impact on how you raise them and how they feel about it, if that is the attitude you go into it with.

Moreover, no one can say what the second child will be like nor what the relationship with their sibling will be. They may love each other and be great friends. They may hate each other and never speak. The second child may have additional needs which take time away from the child you already have. They may be no trouble at all and fit right into family life. There is simply no way to know in advance.

As I say, in my view, you should only have a second child if you want them in their own right.

southeastlady · 21/05/2024 11:27

Interesting thread as my son is an only child, he is 10

My husband has a brother (3 year gap between them) in 2023 he saw him once and hasn't seen him at all so far this year. No big fall out they just have zero in common and my husband says his brother does his head in

So, I think just because you have sibling and grow up in the same house doesn't mean you'll get on as adults

Savemydrink · 21/05/2024 11:31

I have two siblings, one of them is my best friend, we are very close.

The other one I have not spoken with a since 2010 following a massive row.

There is no guarantee that siblings will get along although I am very grateful for at least one of mine.

Sorry that’s probably not much help. I suppose the answer is, only have another child if that’s truely what you want, kids can be so fickle

Welcometothehumanrace · 21/05/2024 11:31

I find it harder as an adult being an only child than I did when I was young. Especially since having kids myself; no cousins for them, no shared holidays or days spent with extended family, no family gatherings or special group occasions. Im so envious of those with siblings who help babysit or generally provide help/support.
I have also always felt a huge sense of pressure not to disappoint my parents as it's only me, any mistakes etc that I make seem more impactful. I am fiercely independent, but I have to be; sometimes that is exhausting.
I'm very close to my parents but feel a lot of pressure now they are getting older in terms of caring for them in old age. I also feel very lonely a lot of the time, nobody closer to my age who I share a bond with. Covid was hard, no "bubble" or support as didn't want to put parents at risk.

I always had good friendships but find as we've gotten older people naturally gravitate to spending free time with their immediate family over me, so I don't have those networks anymore.
I do realise having siblings doesn't guarantee any of what I feel I miss out on. Also family dynamics are all different, above is only my personal experience.

SleepyTraveller · 21/05/2024 11:37

I'm 40-ish with no siblings. It's not something I really have an opinion about, it's just how my life is, and that's fine.

MagnetCarHair · 21/05/2024 11:41

I have a dsis 8 years younger than I am, we had to share a bedroom too. Love her to bits, don't see her as often as I'd like though, a couple of times a year. We chat on the phone though.

Mary46 · 21/05/2024 11:41

Im not fussed really. Im one of 3 barely hear from them unless they want something or its for our mam. Families eh😐

AmongThePurpleHeather · 21/05/2024 11:44

I was the youngest (8 and 10 year age gap with my siblings). I have nothing to do with them, they treated me like an outcast most of my life and I do think it was because of the age gap. It’s like they were the gruesome twosome and then I came along to fuck the family up. I’ve had it thrown at me more than once.

Isitisit · 21/05/2024 11:45

I have a 9 year younger brother and 3 years older sister.

We get on well although not super close. E.g we don’t usually call/message much outside of get togethers but we all like each other and enjoy hanging out when we can. I loved having a baby brother when I was 9. Although often got irritated with him as a teen.

Chatonette · 21/05/2024 11:48

In my 20s, one of my close friends lost both of her parents in a short period of time. She is one of three girls and said that she never would have made it through that time of her life without her sisters. I’ll never forget when she told me that, and it was always in the back of my mind during my discussions with DH about our family size.

Cliedi · 21/05/2024 11:50

I don’t think it matters so much as an adult but it will be the next 8 or so years that shapes your son (and potential sibling’s) childhood memories. You know your son.. is he happiest spending time with you and what does he like to do? Would a sibling disrupt that? Or would he love having a little kid around to love and spend time with? Would he be likely to relish the big brother role or resent it? Have you asked him? Are you willing to go through the toddler years again? I can tell you they are no joke when you’re a bit older than last time! Or are you looking forward to some peace as your son becomes more independent? Have you considered the extra holidays and life experiences you will be able to give your son without a sibling?

GogAndMagog · 21/05/2024 11:52

I have three siblings and estranged from them all!

And the relationships have been very damaging, but then my childhood was too, generally,

BedDepartment · 21/05/2024 11:53

LMMuffet · 21/05/2024 11:12

I think it’s a bad idea to have a child if you are only doing it in order to provide a sibling for a child you already have. They will be a person in their own right and you should only have a child if you want one, not as a companion for someone else. It will massively impact on how you raise them and how they feel about it, if that is the attitude you go into it with.

Moreover, no one can say what the second child will be like nor what the relationship with their sibling will be. They may love each other and be great friends. They may hate each other and never speak. The second child may have additional needs which take time away from the child you already have. They may be no trouble at all and fit right into family life. There is simply no way to know in advance.

As I say, in my view, you should only have a second child if you want them in their own right.

Exactly this.

Never have a child you don't want, or have a child under the impression you are doing a good thing for someone else.

MagnetCarHair · 21/05/2024 11:56

I think most siblings get along well together in homes in which their parents are stable, kind and, crucially don't try and exploit sibling comparisons to get children to behave/ try harder/ be more compliant.

Wooloohooloo · 21/05/2024 12:00

Mine are 8/10 years older. They were kind to me when I was little. We are close ish and get on (mainly). All still in touch with each other. We're now in our 40s/50s and the gap doesn't feel big at all.

ohtowinthelottery · 21/05/2024 12:01

I have a friend who is an only child (now in her 60's). She feels the burden of coping with her ageing DM who is awaiting a dementia assessment is something she wishes she could share with a sibling (although we see frequently on here that it often falls to one family member and others don't get involved).

I have 2 older siblings. One 5 years older the other 8 years older. We are not close but we haven't fallen out either - just live a distance away and have very different lives/priorities. However, when the chips are down, they'd be here like a shot. When DF died suddenly (although at a good age) and left frail DM on her own miles from any of us, we all chipped in and divided the jobs up as best we could. No bickering, no arguing, we just each took on roles as we were able, and according to our strengths and Social Care picked up the rest.

Wooloohooloo · 21/05/2024 12:02

I also have a ten year gap between mine. My eldest is very kind to his little sister but obviously they have completely different interests. I hope they'll stay in regular touch as adults as I've now lost both my parents so only have my siblings left.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 21/05/2024 12:14

I’m a 56 year old only child. It’s never bothered me.
I was never spoiled, I’ve always been very independent and left home at 19 to work overseas.
I haven’t seen my dad for almost 17 years - he royally pissed me off so I developed a “fuck it” attitude to him.
I’m close to my mum but we’ve never lived in each others pockets- far from it.
As she’s getting older though I do have guilt for living away; self enforced not guilt trips from her.
I’ve chatted with friends about having sibling support to look out for their parents in old age and they’ve all said they’d sooner have dealt with it alone as all their siblings were all uselsss 🥴

TurkeyonJoeysHead · 21/05/2024 12:15

I have none. It doesn't bother me except for the fact I know when my mum gets elderly the responsibility to care for her will fall with me. She is not in the best of health already and I can foresee it being a lot of work in the future. We aren't close but it will be expected of me. She does have a younger sister so I'm hopeful she would help. So that's the only reason I ever think about not having a sibling, however even if I had one it doesn't mean they'd help anyway!

Mairzydotes · 21/05/2024 12:16

I have a large gap between dc1 and dc2 ( then 2 years between dc2 an dc3) .

So many people have told me they didn't have a 2nd dc because they thought the age gap would be too big, and they regret not doing so.

Almostwelsh · 21/05/2024 12:21

Being an only didn't really bother me as a child, but it's very lonely as an adult. Especially as you can give your children no cousins and as your parents become ill and die. Friends can fill the gap for some, but friends will usually prioritise their own families.

I know many people have no or poor relationships with siblings, but if your child has a sibling they have at least a chance of a good relationship. If you are an only then there is no chance.

I did not have an only child myself and I feel that my children have benefitted from their siblings.

StrawberryWater · 21/05/2024 12:40

I don't think it matters much as an adult.

I barely talk to most of my siblings as they're a bunch of assholes. I have two I get along with but they live in other countries so it works out lol.

My mother has a much older brother and sister and she hasn't spoken to either in about 30 years! My father had a twin sister and didn't speak to her for about the same amount of time.

My husband has a much younger sister and speaks to her maybe once a year for about 10 minutes.