Having or not having siblings as an adult

[user1493039869]

Hello!

I would like to hear how people feel about being an only child as an adult.

Also if you are someone who has a sibling 9 ish yrs younger/older than yourself, how did you feel about that as a child and an adult. Are you close?

Or anyone with children with that large age gap, how do you find it?

I am umming and ahhing about having a 2nd, but my son is 8 so he will be at least 9 years older than his sibling. I keep talking myself in and out of it.0

If you want another kid have another kid but there's 10000 different ways that relationship could end up in a few decades

Just me and my brother, 21 month gap. We were close untill our early 30s. Took my abusive exs side in the separation. I make nice for our parents sake at Christmas, mothers day, fathers day, but we're otherwise very low contact.

I have an 8year difference between me and my brother. We rarely see each other. We aren't close

I've always hated being an only child. Despite having friends I was very lonely a lot of the time.

As an adult it's been tough. DH has 1 sibling who he doesn't see much so my DC's had no aunties or uncles or cousins to mix with.
I had an awful time caring for my elderly parents. I had no-one to call on for support or to give me a break. On one occasion I had an urgent medical appointment and my son who was about 16 had to take time off school to look after my mum. It was all down to me. I didn't get a day off from my mum at all. I was on call 24/7 for several years. DH helped as much as he could but he had to work.

I know having a sibling is no guarantee. You might not get on, or end up thousands of miles away, but I wish I'd had one all the same.

You can’t predict the future

I’m the youngest of 4. My siblings are 8, 9 and 10 years older than me. I have no contact with any of them. We were close when I was young due to sticking together to survive our parents, but they’re very bitter that (to them) I had a better life as I was younger when we were removed.

DH and BiL are 10 years apart and are best mates, but had nothing in common for a long time when they were younger.

Hi OP, I have a 9 year age gap between my sons (not by choice - secondary infertility.) Eldest is 10 and youngest is 16 months. They have a lovely relationship and I’m glad they’ll have each other although they obviously haven’t ‘grown up’ together. I’d like a 3rd for DS2 to grow up with but DH not on board.

I have 2 sisters, one a complete arsehole who I am NC with and one lovely but we hardly speak due to busy lives etc, we see each other maybe every other month.

I am an only; I had lovelyparents but the pressure was on me to be happy and compliant. I felt it more in my teens I think. When they grew older there was only me, I have several children as I didn’t want the same for them.I now have no relatives of my own; luckily my DH has several siblings and we are quite close to them and they, and their spouses, have become my substitute siblings. My own children are very close.

I found it stressful being an only child when my parents were ill.

Then I saw how it was for DH who has siblings. It was far far better without them. And that's with siblings who get on.

I have 2 sisters. One a year younger and the other 12 years younger. For her she is like an only child with sisters. She has the best of both. I actually get on better with the her as we have more in common. There was a time of course when life is so different but we have always been close.

Only child here (who later acquired step siblings) and I was determined to have more than one child as I always had a sense of missing out on the sibling experience. I was perfectly happy, had lots of friends, loved my parents etc., but wanted the noise and chaos of a busy house like my friends had. I know siblings don’t always get on, but it was important to me. There’s the lack of cousins and extended family etc for their children too, which may seem daft, but it felt important to me. My DH is an only child too. Interestingly my DH is not in slightest bit bothered by his lack of siblings as he grew up with very close in age cousins. If it wasn’t for my step our children wouldn’t have any cousins.

My step sister has a big gap (8 years) between her two and they adore each other as well as arguing/winding each other up like most siblings of course!

You have to make the decision that’s right for your family. There is no right or wrong. Just because I felt like that, doesn’t mean you should.

I’m 57 and an only child and I’m ok with that. Yes all the caring responsibilities for my parents fall to me but I’m also ok with that in that I don’t have to negotiate with anyone to agree what to do.

my DH is one of three and they are not close. When his parents moved to sheltered accommodation I did all the running around & organising while he & his siblings argued about what was the right thing to do & who would do it.

I have some cousins, 13 yr age gap between the siblings and they may as well both be only children.

7 years between me and my sister.

As a child I felt like an only child, she moved out at 17 and had children young early twenties, whereas I went off to uni and didn’t have children until my 30s.

Now I’m 38 and her 45 and you don’t notice the difference, even the age gap in our kids doesn’t matter at all. We are very close.

Age doesn’t matter once your as adult I feel, it’s how much you both value family and your relationship.

I’m an adult only child and I like it. Obviously I can’t know any different and can see that having siblings is different for every family so it’s never occurred to me to want different. I would also like to have an only child myself because I’ve found financially it’s a massive help and also I like that there is no comparison between me and anyone else. Even in families that get on there’s always a degree of comparison between siblings. HOWEVER my partner does have siblings and I do feel quite glad that if we had a child they would have cousins. I never speak to my cousins now so it seems a bit weird to want them for any child I have but as a kid cousins fulfilled a kind of sibling - lite relationship that’s easier to drop but fun while it lasts.

It’s so individual. My DH has three siblings, the first two were born close together, then there’s a five year gap before DH and his younger sister.

They're v. spread out geographically but still close, they have a weekly Zoom call and text/chat individually in between. DH is close to his brother who’s five years older and the sisters are also close, even though there’s a nine year age gap.

Their parents definitely did a good job of valuing them all individually and they’re all supportive of each other, even though they’ve made different life choices and have different opinions sometimes.

OTOH, my bff and her siblings frequently fall out for ridiculous reasons! So you just don’t know what’ll happen. I’m an only and would like an adult sibling similar to my DH’s-but they could be horrible, who knows. 🤷

I’m an only child. In my 50s now.

Im aware I will the only person my parents can lean on as they get older.
Im aware that my dcs are now young adults and will soon have only me as family in this side. So they are more likely to get no family support themselves as they get older.

Im chronically ill. When I’m gone, which might be much earlier than expected, they’ll be on their own.

Thats why I was determined to not have an only child myself.

If I had had siblings, does it mean my dcs would have had a close family around them? No. But at least they’d have had the chance.
Is it something that 8 think all the time? Ofc not! That’s the only life I’ve always had so I’m not missing anything.
But I’m aware of the downsides.

@DullFanFiction Similar here. I’m 50 this year, supporting my elderly Dad and my teenagers. I do wish that I had someone to share the elder care with. I know some siblings are useless, but it would be nice to just have someone to discuss problems with. It is what it is.

My brother and I are 8 years and 9 school years apart. We are very close. It's been wonderful watching him grow up into an adult, and we really enjoy hanging out together now he's matured.

I adored having a baby brother and spent so much time playing with him and entertaining him, although verged into being too bossy and treating him a bit like a toy at times (even now he teases me that I try to be his third parent). He was also never thrilled when I was in charge (I.e. babysitting etc.).
It maybe took a while to get used to not being the sole focus of my parents attention but I don't really remember too much of that.

Holidays could be a bit annoying when I was a bit older, but not independent enough, as everything had to be suitable/catered for my younger sibling which was boring for me. We were never a family that went on holiday with friends, which may have been more enjoyable for me.

Despite the age gap, we still had arguments etc. but never did any physical fighting because of the size/power imbalance. Hilariously now he is waaaaay taller and stronger than me now. I came up with very creative PG insults as swearing was banned in our house until he was older.

TL;DR - I have a great experience of having a much younger sibling. He's one of my favourite humans.

@acadsp DH says the same about his older sister (7 years older), that she was a tyrant when babysitting. 😂

I’ve noticed that larger age gaps can result in solid relationships. My Dad adored his younger sister (8 year gap) but fought with his brother who was close in age. Same with my cousins who have a 12 year age gap.
The older sibling seems protective of the younger one in a good way.

There is a gap between me and my eldest siblings (13 years for one, 8 for the other).
as someone so much younger I did feel a bit like an only child myself sometimes - it didn’t bother me. People have such different experiences that it can be hard to use someone else’s life as an example. I have a very bad relationship with the eldest due to how they treated me growing up and a much better one with the middle.

My partner and very good friend are both OC and both very kind and thoughtful - partner happy to have been an OC as he says he loved having his parents to himself - friend always since I meet her 20 years ago says she’s annoyed that she doesn’t have a sibling and feels the pressure of having her elderly parents to herself. She loves them but I think she has really got it into her head that if she had a sibling they would be best friends/life would be all round better!

you don’t know how things are going to work out or predict how your child/children will feel - so do what’s right for you financially and emotionally.

I am an only child, technically as my older sibling passed away before I was born. I would love to have had a sibling and I'd hope we'd be close regardless of the age gap. At my age now I don't think the gap you're talking about would matter much.

My sibs were 19, 16 and 11 when I was born. Was close to my sister (16) as my mum was an older mum so sister was more like a mum at times. Got on with brother ( 11) until he left home when I was 7, no fall out but he travelled and eventually went to live in Oz. Oldest brother was already left home and I was always a bit shy of him and kept sporadic contact until he died. I also had a half brother 22 years older, saw as a child but very little contact as adults.
So I guess it depends on the size of gap, personalities and circumstances...
I went on to have a 9 year gap and youngest had 4 mums!! Tricky in teen years but they do live each other.
One of my daughters had a 16 year gap and her youngest gets on really well with sibs

I'm the youngest (and I suspect an accident!). My siblings are 8, 10 and 14 years older than me. We all get on fantastically, I chat to my sisters (the two oldest) every day pretty much and though I don't have the same level of interaction with my brother I think that's just how he is generally! I would say they're among my closest friends.

In contrast my husband has one brother, 18 months younger. Raised together, taken to the same activities etc and on paper it should be the perfect age gap but they just don't get on. They're both great but very different people - apparently there were some epic fights/periods of NC when they were younger and now contact is basically a perfunctory birthday call and seeing each other at family events/Xmas etc.

Obviously I can't speak for only children but my siblings are all 'one and done' and my DNs are all very happy and well adjusted (ages from primary to PhD!).

I would say it completely depends on the children involved and so I would not base a decision like this on what others' experience may have been. What do you want?

I'm an only. My parents and all the generation above me are dead, I'm not married, and have one adult DC with a severe disability and one with MH issues. It does feel quite odd, I feel a bit alone 😕 (no other living relatives) I have got friends, though. And there is no guarantee that I would have a good relationship with any sibling I might have had!

I feel so alone in the world and worried for my future that I spend all my time researching housing for the elderly / care homes. Soon I will have to go to a funeral director and arrange my own funeral. I am not ill. I just have no family, so have to face up to the fact that whenever I die I will be completely alone. It's a horrible, stark reality which has given me severe depression. I am 37, so there's potentially a long way to go on 'living' like this.

There is 3 years between me and DB. We only see each other twice a year and don't text etc. no argument or anything, we're just quite different people and never been close even as kids.

I have a sibling who is 10 years older than me. Can’t remember much about growing up and they left for uni when I was 8. However now as adults we are extremely close. I feel we both have the rare experience of being both an only child but with a sibling. We live on different sides of the world now but are in constant contact. When our parents died and then when particular other family problems have arisen it has been wonderful to have someone to share the burden.