Having or not having siblings as an adult

[user1493039869]

Hello!

I would like to hear how people feel about being an only child as an adult.

Also if you are someone who has a sibling 9 ish yrs younger/older than yourself, how did you feel about that as a child and an adult. Are you close?

Or anyone with children with that large age gap, how do you find it?

I am umming and ahhing about having a 2nd, but my son is 8 so he will be at least 9 years older than his sibling. I keep talking myself in and out of it.0

I have a brother who is 10 years younger than me.

PROS
loved him from the second he was born. He was my baby.
Fought tooth and nail with my sister, who was 12, to feed, bathe, play with him.
We still get on, 40 and 30. Have similar interests in humour, films.
Our special brother and sister activity is to go to comedy clubs
He regularly comes to steal my car, and I make him jet wash the patio.
We love to chat about work, buying houses etc.

CONS
He did feel a bit like an only child. By the time he was 5, I was 15 going on 16. I did try to play his games, but I was more interested in going out.
My mum was careful, but there was a little bit of parentification. My job was to pick him up from school once a week and there was regular babysitting, which I complained about. 😁
That said my parents did make sure they didn't take the piss and realised I shouldn't do to much parenting - looking back it was a good balance.

I have a brother 91/2 years older than me and as a child I saw him like more of a 3rd authority figure, he banned me from his bedroom so I always felt a bit rejected and then he left home at 18 when I was around 8 or 9 so I barely remember living with him.
I wouldn't say we were close because he was into cars and nightclubs while I was into Barbie's and sylvanian family.
He then went abroad to work/live for about 8 years and we were practically strangers and I had moved out by his return.
As adults we became closer when we had our children around the same time so the cousins are all the same age but by that time we lived at other ends of the country.
We see each other about twice a year out of obligation but as I said we live other ends of the country.
We both felt like an only child growing up.

I am 10 and 12 years younger than my siblings and did feel a bit like an only child when growing up as eldest was away at Uni and other married when I was 12. But am now very close to sister and see the eldest sometimes but not as close, but not due to any problems and our children get on well.

I am 10 and 12 years younger than my siblings. I never felt like an only child, indeed I felt it was the best of both worlds; undivided attention during the week once I got to 6ish, but fun filled weekends and holidays.
We have gone through stages of being close and distant, physically and emotionally. As a previous poster states, I know we would be there for each other if needed.
Age gaps have no relevance to sibling relationships in my experience.
Unlike some commenters, now our DM needs care, I would much prefer to be making relevant decisions alone rather than having to decide things between 3 points of view.

It really depends on the relationship between siblings. I have two (one of whom is 10ys younger than me) and although we get on, we barely ever see one another or communicate (I have tried, believe me). Our lives are very different and we're not really part of one another's lives. Maybe because we grew up in a dysfunctional family?

I have an only child now. He likes his space but also has lots of friendships that will hopefully see him through to adulthood at least.

I'm an adult and have no siblings.

I look at my DP and his two siblings and feel very lucky to be an only child now I'm an adult. love it - no obligations to attend family events; no-one to send Christmas and birthday cards/gifts/money to; no-one to coordinate with for Christmas visits to parents with; no-one for my mother to compare me with.

While DP has reduced his relationship with his siblings and their kids to basically nothing, there are still some obligations there.

Only child here. Having seen those of my friends (& DW) with siblings, I'm damn glad I never had any.

I have 2 siblings. One 3 years younger who I was very close to growing up but doesn't really have any time for me. I wish we were closer but he's not really interested. I have another one who is 11 years younger than me and we speak quite often but again, we aren't as close as I'd like.

I have two younger siblings (not a big age gap). We are all friendly and meet up for Chritmas etc. One lives near me and we see each other every month to two months. The other I see less often but we are going on holiday soon together, with our families.

I'd hate not to have siblings. Mine are important to me. I see it as the only life long relationship you have - parents will likely die a while before you and friends, partners and children didn't know you when you were young.

My sisters are 13 and 16 years older than me and we have always got on very well.

They have been a great support over the years especially when sharing the burden/care of elderly parents

My dad has a sibling who is ten years younger and they’re pretty close.

My DH doesn’t have any siblings and growing up he says it was fine. However, his mum has died and his dad isn’t coping well and has mental health issues and DH does now wish he had a sibling to share the load.

So I don’t think giving your child a sibling is reason enough to have another baby, but from my experience I do think there can be positives to having a sibling even with a big age gap.

My sibling had severe psychological problems and killed himself with drugs when I was in my 20s. My childhood would have been a lot easier without him, as would my parents' lives.

As for the age gap, they are unlikely to be close, but if you really want another child, you should do it.

I don't have siblings and I find it very disappointing. I wish I did have siblings.

I used to believe in the idea of friends becoming family but I don't now. I have had too many experiences of being "welcomed" into someone's family only to find they expect me to grovel to them at every opportunity. People have often acted like they're doing me a favour by being my friend. I'm not a charity case and friendships are meant to be mutually beneficial.

I have found it really hard to make and keep friends because I have a huge void that needs filling, which none of them can do. For many years I was extremely clingy and needy. Now i am almost the opposite, I prefer my own company and don't let others in. I have been hurt too many times.

I feel like I missed out on a lot. I have so many memories that I never even think about because nobody else shared them with me. I don't have a support network. I feel a huge pressure to have a big family myself as I know there won't be any cousins or aunts/uncles etc.

Overall I really do not recommend it. I've had friends with 10+ year age gaps with their siblings and they told me they liked it. I would have loved a younger sibling when I was 10.

I have no siblings. I am the daughter of an only child and I only have one child. Until very recently it has never bothered me but I live over 200 miles from my hometown and my DM died with vascular dementia in December and my DF is nearly 92 and grieving. It's very stressful.

My husband is considerably older than many of his siblings. As we got together really young I've known them since many of them were in single digits. Most of them live a few hours drive away, but:
One is a recluse no one sees very often.
One we see at Christmas and occasion events.
One we have loads to do with, he's often up for sports events etc.
One has a partner who works remotely, they bring the baby to the in laws a lot as he can work from there (she's gone part time and hybrid) so we often meet up.
One lives closer so we meet for meals every 3 months ish? Has taken my kids out for birthday treats etc
The one we see the most is the onr closest to us in age, but I think this is partly because our kids are the same age - when you have toddlers it is easy to hang out with other people with toddlers!

I have a brother who is 9 years younger than me. I would have expected this age gap to be easy, basically putting us in different orbits and making him an only child for all intents and purposes. But he always seemed totally overwhelmed and intimidated by me and my sister, like we were something he could never live up to. He never grew out of it and he’s 32 now—he still acts like an adolescent around us. In the end, it’s just impossible to predict how different personalities will play off each other.

@Welcometothehumanrace

I could have written the exact same words!

I'm not lonely, but it is hard as parents get older and I am very aware that everything falls to me, and sometimes that feels like a very heavy weight to shoulder.

If you are doing it so your DC has a sibling, there's not much point with such an age gap. I have a brother 3 years older, who I'm close to, but also a brother nearly 10 years younger, who neither my other bro nor I are close to at all.

I am so pleased for you that it worked out like that. So different in our case.
My mum has 3 siblings. They dumped the care of my beloved gran onto her, she ended up giving up work and is now financially buggered, went on Caribbean holidays while gran was on EOL care, lived their lives, did zilch to help clear her house when she died. I could go on. I boomeranged back and forth from my home in Spain to help her, cost me a fortune but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I am so bitter. We are battered from the experience. Funnily, they all get the same in the will.

OP - enjoy your lovely son. He will be fine as an only child. Think of the things you will miss out on with him if you are dealing with a toddler too (huge change in family dynamic and half the fun things you can do with older kids impossible). More enjoyable holidays, days out, time etc.

I am an only child and both of my parents were only children. I have no siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. I do feel I miss out not having a wider family. I love DH and our kids are great but I'm glad they will have the option of each other

I’m the eldest of 3 - one sibling is 9 years younger than me & the other is 13 years younger. I found it difficult to adjusts initially, having been an only child with no cousins. I did used to mother them, particularly the younger one, but as we’ve got older we’ve drifted to the point where I don’t really have a relationship with them anymore. We’re very different people with very different lives/outlooks so this may have happened anyway regardless of the age gap. They’re also not much help when our parents are ill etc. so it’s not even like they’re a support network.

My DC is an only child and I do sometimes worry about them having no family when me & DH are no longer here (DC also has no cousins) but that’s the way it’s worked out. I am quite envious of friends who are close to their siblings and have big family gatherings/holidays though.

I wouldn't factor potential sibling relationships as adults into it.

I'm less than 2 years older than my sister - we've not spoken in months. Not because we fell out, which just have nothing in common and don't particularly enjoy each other's company. There's no way to tell whether they'll be close, regardless of age gap.

I am an only child as is my husband and our child. I used to want a sibling when my parents were fighting as I thought that would be a source of comfort but now I wouldn't have wanted another child to have had my childhood.

I did hate being told to go and make friends as a child on holiday and be nagged until I did so perhaps that wouldn't have been the case, would we have played together. My mum got pregnant when I was 10 (accident as was getting pregnant with me) but had an abortion.

My daughter has never mentioned being an only child but we've also never mentioned it so not sure if she would have liked a sibling.

To echo others, I don't think siblings are necessarily valuable as adults. I hardly speak to mine.

The value is in the formative years so the children learn that they aren't the center of everything, and so that if a family tragedy happens they don't feel alone and unique in their suffering.

DH has a big age gap with his siblings. All 9 years+ older than him. They are at totally different life stages to us as a result (we are parents to young DC, they are Grandparents to children the same age as our DC). It’s a distant non-relationship as a result. They were never close to him anyway and always just saw him as their annoying little brother.