Having or not having siblings as an adult

[user1493039869]

Hello!

I would like to hear how people feel about being an only child as an adult.

Also if you are someone who has a sibling 9 ish yrs younger/older than yourself, how did you feel about that as a child and an adult. Are you close?

Or anyone with children with that large age gap, how do you find it?

I am umming and ahhing about having a 2nd, but my son is 8 so he will be at least 9 years older than his sibling. I keep talking myself in and out of it.0

Only here! Desperately wanted siblings when i was younger but am very aware that I would not have been afforded the level of privilege's if there had been 2 of us. Luckily though my parents made a huge effort to have friends about so i never felt i missed out. As an adult its not bothered me, I have a very close friend group - it was only when my parents died I found it a bit daunting to deal with.

I have a sibling 15 years younger. We've always been extremely close. I was his favourite person in the world when he was little (and he was mine!). Now he's in his 30s and I'm approaching 50 and we're still very close.
I think it depends on the individual. Some siblings are just not close at all. Others can be very close despite big age gaps.

1 sibling, can occasionally amuse me as an adult, but also still find them super selfish, irritating (and still very childish). For that reason, and about a million others, it’s one and done for me.

I have 2 siblings , one 11 years older and one 7 years older. I love them both dearly and enjoy their company. I also have lovely relationships with their children and all the cousins get on really well.

I didn’t mind being an only child when I was a kid, however as an adult I hate it.
In the last couple of years, I’ve started to feel an intense sense of loneliness. I am approaching my 40s, and in the last year have bene lucky enough to find a partner, however I don’t feel able to have a child / children myself, as I can’t give them wider family (no cousins, aunties or uncles as my partner is an only child too). I watch with envy at my friends with siblings having children. They have a lovely family set up with their offspring growing up together.
One of my parents is very unwell and the weight of responsibility (especially in the future if both were to become ill) is overwhelming.

I also have this deep fear of being alone (should anything happen to my partner). Goodness knows who will be there for me when I am old. I will have nobody. But I just can’t bring a child into the world to serve my own (selfish) needs.

I used to be a happy person. But this sense of loneliness has robbed me of my happiness. I have had to start medication for anxiety and depression.
I have also had to start planning for my death. I will need to arrange my own funeral soon, as I will have no family to do that for me.

It’s an extremely sad position to be in. I of course appreciate that this won’t be the experience of all only children, but it is my reality.

My DH has a brother that is 8 years older than him. They get along fine but are acquaintances at best and are not close at all. He says they never have been even as children. I have a sister who is 4 years younger than me and we’re not close either now. But we were as children and it was nice having someone to play with.

My sister is 10 years older and has always resented the fact I took her only child status from her. She’s incredibly jealous of me and has destroyed my relationship with my only parent. Once that parent dies I’ll be celebrating never having to have anything to do with my sister again.

I think you may be able to judge best from your son's personality whether it might be good for him. I had a sister 9 years younger and absolutely loved having a baby to help look after and then play with. As adults we don't speak a lot as we live very different lives but do get on when we see each other. I'm not sure it helped my relationship with my mother though as she was quite preoccupied and stressed while I was going through my teen years!

I'm sorry to hear this. I just wanted to say that a sibling might not have brought you the companionship you imagine. So many of my friends barely see their siblings and have created a kind of friendship family instead. I have a big group of childless friends, none of whom are close to their siblings. They all look out for each other and will continue to do so in old age.

As for not having a child because you can't give them aunts, uncles cousins etc. well of course it's entirely up to you but I don't think a child needs these things. I know some really happy kids who don't have uncles, aunts or cousins. These days, especially in Western societies families are dispersed and may only see their aunts and uncles at family funerals etc. Many people I know are closer to their friends than their families.

Thank you. You do make some very valid points.

I have 2 siblings who I rarely if ever speak with. We often go several years at a time with no contact and almost never see each other in person. I haven’t seen any aunts/uncles/cousins for decades and probably wouldn’t even recognise them now.

My DS has never even met one of my siblings let alone extended family. I doubt my cousins even know he exists.

My life would be no different if I was an only child. It has never been built around extended family. That’s no bad thing though as we’re really happy with our set up and social circle and wouldn’t want anything different.

I’m an only child and it never bothered me until my mum died.

Only have a child if you want one, not just to provide a sibling. I'm close to my sister but I know people who don't get on with their siblings. My mum is an only child and always says she had my dad and family to help when her parents died. She's got loads of friends and says she doesn't miss what she's never had.

I love being an only - late 30s now! And DH and I also want just one - means we won't need a huge mortgage on a bigger house, I can keep my career and have sufficient time to spend with my child.

I had a great social life as was actively involved in school clubs and hobbies and had friends in my neighbourhood. Wasn't spoiled because my parents wanted me to learn hard work and have a good work ethic - this was super important growing up and i really credit them for it. Meant we had enough money for my education and uni, and holidays and my mum could carry on with her career. She and my dad had time for each other and until he passed away they were happy together.

DH has 2 siblings and they are all so different - they were never close and spent most of their childhood arguing. As adults they barely have contact outside of family gatherings. Between me and DH I'm far more considerate and empathetic because it was drilled into me as a child, whereas the constant tension with his brothers/needing to compete for attention has made DH more self centred. Obviously my parents are to credit for this and why I think it isn't whether you have a sibling or not that makes for a good life, but how much time your parents have to give.

For me, there were only benefits to being an only. Even now, losing my dad and my mum getting older - I don't find it a burden not having siblings to share it with. Every family I know - it's always just one sibling who becomes the designated carer anyway, one who stays behind, one who does all the checking-in - never seems equal. And at least I don't have to argue with anyone over my mum's care or the inheritance.

In the modern world where kids spend all their time on screens anyway, i think encouraging kids to make friends and have activities outside the home is more important for socialisation anyway. Unless you live somewhere really remote without many kids around, they won't be lonely. And if they are, they'd also be lonely with siblings as there's no guarantee they'd get on or have similar interests. And being with someone who ignores you or bullies you at home means you have no safe space. As a child I loved coming home to a home where i wasn't always competing for attention where i had just spent all day in school or playing sport doing that. Having an only is what you make of it - if you act like it's shameful or wrong, your child will think that too. If you normalise it and enjoy it like my parents did, they will too.

This is MN so everyone hates their siblings and are NC with them.

I have 3 siblings, I’m fairly close to all of them and they’ve definitely enriched my life. We’ve been in varying levels of contact over the years, but are there if we need each other and when we get together we have a great time.

Of course there’s no guarantee of a close relationship but without a sibling you don’t even have the opportunity.

Also to say that I was raised to be very independent and self sufficient so even when my dad passed and mum got ill - it was something I just practically dealt with as had always made financial arrangements for this eventuality and my parents were good savers - because they only had me, with another money would be much tighter. I'm aware that when my mum goes as well i won't have any immediate family but frankly i'm not bothered. My friends are my real family, and of course DH, and hopefully we will have a child too. Even without I've always been very comfortable in my own company so never had a hankering for a big family. I think this is really personality dependent rather than influenced by how many siblings you have. DH is just like me - he has a HUGE family who all live close by and he spends most of his time avoiding them. We even eloped as he cba to deal with them at a wedding.

I have three siblings, my youngest sister is 10 years younger than me. We all are very close, get on really well and we are all a massive support for each other. There’s also a 10 year gap between my youngest and second child, they are also really close too, see each other regularly and all get on great together, they all have similar interests and have days out and holidays together, along with their partners. My extended family is the same, I know we’re very lucky.

There's six years between me and my sister and we are close, not so much as kids but we lived in separate households. There is 11 years between my son and daughter and they have always been close, even at 11 and 22 which they are now. I've absolutely no regrets at the age gap between my two.

Does your child’s father not have siblings?

I have a brother but he has no kids and will not have any.

My DH has 2 siblings but one of them is, and will remain, childless too.

So having siblings does not guarantee cousins for your child.

My Mum was 6 years younger than her brother. They weren’t close. I didn’t grow up knowing my cousins very well, though got to know them more as an adult.

I have one sibling. Close in age to me and they are Irrelevant in my life as they live on the other side of the world.

we got on well briefly in our early 20s for a couple of years. Then they moved to the far east and that that really. Wen’t to their wedding big minimal contact. Sometimes a card at Christmas no phone chats though unless something major happens.

Adult here, no siblings. So hard knowing there are no aunties or uncles if something happens to me and I can’t care for my kids. Harder still to care for my last surviving parent with no one to share a bond with. Yes to any age gap. Better than being alone - and I say that with a really happy childhood as an only child.

I'm in my sixties with no siblings and it's never bothered me at all. I coped with my divorced parents as they aged, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared, and also with their deaths.

My exDH has one sibling - other than speaking when necessary after the death of a parent they have been estranged for over 20 years.

My sister and brother are nine and seven years older than me. I had little enough to do with them as a child - my sister moved out when she was 17, and my brother started on his lifelong alcoholism at the same age. He assaulted our mother when I was 15, and I haven't seen him since, nor wanted to. My sister and I get on well, she's 70 and I'm 61. We live 2000 kilometres apart, so don't see each other, but email and phone every few weeks.

Only one, never known any different, parents are gone now, no feelings of loneliness really.

I do feel for my solo sprog tho, a single one wasn't really the plan & as older parents & even if we are lucky & have long healthy lives my kid won't have us around to middle age, for that however I do feel sad & get a bit low when I think about it & that's very unusual for me as I'm an upbeat person & really only that subject gets me down.

Most families I know not close so its not this picture perfect thing either. I have 2 siblings takes bit stress off elder parents/share it out. But yeh families complex.