Carrying children, DW went nuts

[midnighthour123]

Hi everyone,

Very confused about this.

Sunny weekend, all went to nearby forest. 2 kids (5 and 8), im a very hands on'y dad, love playing with the kids, games, carrying, sand pits, playgrounds - love to get involved - just love it. I'm very involved in lots of other stuff too, homework, school runs, cleaning, running the house etc.

Exiting the forest place going back to car. both kids want to go on my shoulders (taking turns was not enough...., for them). It's weekend, sunny, so.. ok, I'll lift you both. one on shoulders, other carried. I can handle it easily (I'm also building in the house, commonly lifting and moving very heavy stuff, regularly).

DW has a melt down, "its v. dangerous for health and safety", "you should not be carrying 2 kids, nobody else is doing it, its dangerous, its embarassing", (we are in a forest car park walking back to the car, on the side, not in anyones way, kids happy, im totally fine).

I was in the wrong?

This seems very strange of your wife. On the surface it seems like you was being a fun and attentive dad. Is your wife usually anxious like this?

8 is on the older side for being carried and even if felt steady to you maybe it looked really precarious from her perspective and she would worry someone would get hurt. No one can judge if they weren’t there really, carrying building materials is an odd comparison to 2 kids, not sure of the relevance of you helping with homework and ‘v. dangerous for health and safety’ doesn’t sound like something anyone would actually say unless they were actually in a health and safety meeting at work. It just all sounds a bit strange in all honestly. Meltdowns are rarely justified though so she was probably in the wrong. But maybe she panicked because she was worried. Have you talked about it?

Assuming your wife is not usually irrational then it sounds like you scared her. Carrying on shoulders is really safe as long as you have a tight grip on their legs but if you don’t then they can go down very very quickly. All it would take is the one you were carrying to squirm a bit and you would instinctively grab with both hands and so let go of the shoulder one’s legs.

She may also have been worried about your back. I was very blase about backs until I hurt mine. Now I am pretty obsessive. Once you have injured your back it is basically never as good again. The joy of aging!

If the one on your shoulders fell, your hands aren't free to catch up as you're carrying the other one. Doesn't seem the wisest.

Did your wife actually cite "health and safety" to you, her husband? 😂

That's mad. 5 and 8 is tiny. I'd probably hesitate to do it myself, but my DH could easily.

Did she offer to carry one of them?

I can’t picture how you did this. Having a kid on your shoulders wouldn’t be safe unless you were holding their legs - it’s really easy for them to fall backwards . So how did you have your hands free to carry another one?

Calm down a bit mate. Sounds a bit like performance parenting to me, look how involved I am, I’m such a great dad I don’t just give one a piggy back I can do both at the same time! Shes probably just fed up with you being super dad when she just wants a chill family day and maybe to spend a bit of time with her husband and kids, and was feeling a bit left out.

i know I’d have been a bit snarky with my ex if he’d indulged the kids in ways that I didn’t think were safe just to get super dad brownie points.

I don't think you were in the wrong. It sounds like your wife was worried about the kids getting hurt, which I understand, but wrapping kids in cotton wool is not the answer. Kids are supposed to engage in sightly risky play, climb trees, skin their knees. It builds up resilience for later life. Obviously we all want to keep kids safe from real dangers, but in your scenario what was the worst that could happen? The kids fall and get a bit bruised, maaaybe break a bone. Ultimately, they would be fine and would learn that even if something is scary and they get a bit hurt, they can get back up and be ok. Resilience is learnt through real life experiences.

Men really cannot catch a break around here! If they don't get involved, they get slated for being lazy, if they do get involved, it is assumed they are just doing it for brownie points.

What makes you so sure your way is always the right way?

Perhaps, being generous, she was just absolutely done in after a busy hot day out?

Or could she have been pissed off with you for something else and just snapped about the carrying?

She wanted u to help by cheering them up and making the walk back fun. She can’t carry them! Now next time it’s just her they will be even grumpier

I would be very unhappy if my husband did this. It's not safe.

That sounds very unsafe to me. If you had tripped the kids could have been badly hurt. You wanted to be a fun Dad but she was placed in the position of being the killjoy as she was concerned for their safety. No wonder she was upset if you wouldn't listen to her concerns.

Obviously I don't know the relative size of you and the kids, but it doesn't sound safe with a 5 and 8yo at the same time. If you over balance, it's a long way down for the one on your shoulders to fall, so I wouldn't be happy about it if it was my kids. I wouldn't "have a meltdown" but that's because, if I raised safety concerns/ stated I was uncomfortable about something DH was doing with the kids, he would listen and we couldhave a conversationabout it. Had she asked you not to, and you continued anyway?

If you were carrying them both at body hight, and it the looked secure, then I might be OK with that, but the kid at shoulder hight, would definitely concern me. It just takes for one of the kids to lean the wrong way and you could all have fallen.

That’s the quite the backstory for ‘I lifted two children up and my wife was upset about it’. I’m sure the sand pit and homework will have relevance in your follow up post?

How do you keep hold of the one on your shoulders if you're carrying another?

8 year old on my shoulders, arms carrying the 5 year old wrapped around the 8 year-olds feet (would never have on shoulders without holding feet). literally, 30 seconds of fun (nothing to do with super dad). DW had outburst citing health and safety and dangerous and i was stupid to do such a thing and that i lack common sense to know better.

I'm thinking that from her point of view, how you were carrying them looked more precarious than you believed it to be. Have a chat about it and if she still really feels uneasy about it, perhaps agree to not do that again.

Doesn’t sound safe to me. Even from your update I can’t understand how you could safely be holding both children at the same time. If 8 year old tipped back your reaction time in being able to stop them falling off would have been hampered by having to drop your five year old to the ground first.

the 8 yr olds feet are tucked under my arms, holding the 5yr old.

This seems like a really odd thing to get upset about to me. I suppose you’ll have to speak to her! Would be good for you to know why it worried her so much.

the 8yrs olds feet are locked under my arms, if lean back, will leverage feet locked under my arms

Is this a one off or does she often tell you off for risky/embarrassing behaviour?

@midnighthour123

there's nothing wrong with carrying them like that.

so what if no one else is, that's a ridiculous comment.

I'm quite sure you're able to carry them to the car like that, is she always such a drama llama??