Carrying children, DW went nuts

[midnighthour123]

Hi everyone,

Very confused about this.

Sunny weekend, all went to nearby forest. 2 kids (5 and 8), im a very hands on'y dad, love playing with the kids, games, carrying, sand pits, playgrounds - love to get involved - just love it. I'm very involved in lots of other stuff too, homework, school runs, cleaning, running the house etc.

Exiting the forest place going back to car. both kids want to go on my shoulders (taking turns was not enough...., for them). It's weekend, sunny, so.. ok, I'll lift you both. one on shoulders, other carried. I can handle it easily (I'm also building in the house, commonly lifting and moving very heavy stuff, regularly).

DW has a melt down, "its v. dangerous for health and safety", "you should not be carrying 2 kids, nobody else is doing it, its dangerous, its embarassing", (we are in a forest car park walking back to the car, on the side, not in anyones way, kids happy, im totally fine).

I was in the wrong?

Your wife had a “melt-down?”

Like little kids have meltdowns? Did she throw herself on the ground and kick and scream?
If I was your wife, I’d be pissed off that you described my behaviour as being so juvenile while describing yourself as WonderDad.

Wow. What weird way you look at the world

This.

Yeah I don't think this is safe either. The babies could fall, you could hurt your back - YABU in my view

I didn't come here to have DW "slagged off" or to "show her this to prove a point". i came to understand view points.

when someone tells you that you lack common sense, that it's ridiculous you could even concieve doing something that nobody else would ever do, expressed as an [adult] meltdown for others to watch, it does make you feel a bit ashamed and question yourself deeply..... "What the hell did i do"......"are my morals so screwed as a parent...".... "but, i had 8 yr old's feet gripped in my arms, 5yr old pressed to my chest, for a random moment of fun"....

I've learnt a big lesson, from you all. thankyou. 😘

I don’t think you are “in the wrong” but I don’t think you are “right” either. Based on what you’ve posted it seems that you are just parents with different attitudes to risk. If the scenario the PP described with blue lights and A&E happened you would have been seen as very much in the wrong- fortunately nothing bad happened. The Children had a bit of fun, no harm done, so I suppose you “won” but surely you can have some empathy with your wife and see that it could have turned out differently?

I'm sure that is why. Men on here need to do that, because the default position is that they are wrong and the woman is right. That said, the wife sounds like a loon.

What do you mean 'an element of removing a supportive space'? This place shouldn't support women just because they are women.

If it had been a mum on here saying she’d been having some fun with her kids and carrying them like this and her DH had flipped and shouted that she was an embarrassment etc I’m sure you’d all have verrrry different responses 🤦🏼‍♀️ fwiw I don’t see the big deal - yes could have had an accident, but you could say that about literally everything 🤷🏼‍♀️

There have been instances where someone's abusive ex or current partner has come on to paint a pretty picture, making MN not supportive to her.

But do I think this place should broadly support women because they are women? Yes. Life's hard and most of the internet is for and by men. There's any number of places you can be sexually harassed, belittled, called names and threatened as a women online. It would be nice to have a supportive corner.

I can't help thinking that the reason Dadsnet is a ghost town and there really isn't a MN for dads is, they aren't that interested. Which is fine. Except when they want women to agree they are right. No ta, mostly minimal parenting by men is celebrated while the same from women is treated as neglectful.

NAMALT however, there are some great men on here. But they mostly don't talk about their wives flaws. I'd be properly pissed off if DH did that.

I’ve carried my 8 and 5 year old at the same time (one as a piggy back and one on the front), just messing around. I managed it for about 20 seconds before I had to put them down. It wasn’t dangerous, DH said nothing.

Maybe the fact it was a car park or she was worried you’d injure yourself!

I know a family where a child died from falling off the father’s shoulders. Toddler age.

It happened a long time ago, but I’ll never forget hearing about it, months after the event.

So no, I would never carry two children in the way you did. The risk is too great.

Sounds unsafe and at the end of a long day out, you could trip and find it difficult to keep the kids safe.

It sounds fine for a short period. My ex used to carry my DC all the time when they were more than capable of walking which led to every time he wasn't there me having to deal with them moaning that I wouldn't carry them and telling me how much better their dad was. He would literally do anything for a quiet life and doesn't give a shit about the impact on other people. Maybe that's not the case here but I bet when super-dad isn't around mum has to be the boring sensible one.

Of course my children know I can't carry them both at once. That doesn't mean they don't whine though! If I'm out with them, every time like clockwork as we get to the point that DH lifts them the "I'm tiiiiiiired whining starts", regardless of whether they were skipping along cheerfully a few moments before. It's the expectation it creates.

Babies???? Wow they are old babies

I don't think that the OP is trying to get people to slag off his wife, I think he honestly wants perspective. There is nothing to suggest that his wife is on MN. I think it is fair enough for men to ask for perspective. There is a difference between being supportive towards women, and acknowledging that life can sometimes be stacked against us, and saying that men are always in the wrong and women always in the right. I find that this site has a bit of a tendency towards the latter, and I will always call that out as I don't actually think it's at all helpful to women.

I hate to see children of any age on shoulders, it’s so easy for the carrier to trip on uneven paving, etc.

I think your wife over-reacted. I have twins and they have been carried in fashions similar to this all their life.

She got scared, that is it :)

no right or wrong. Discuss with your wife...you both need to agree on even simple things...

There is nothing to suggest that his wife is on MN.

Which is why I asked @MsLuxLisbon

And I don't believe OP answered.

Why are you even asking us?

I would not be happy. Seriously a 5 and 8 year old on each shoulder?

Are you Arnold Schwarzenegger or do you just think you are?

If your 8 year old picked up your 5 year old while standing on a river bank, would you just chuckle?

Did you expect them to see the danger of the river? Or you still don't get it.

I couldn't have done it but I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at DH going it.

I get anxious when my OH carries my children on his shoulders, he's very tall and I heard a horrible story about someone who tripped and the child hit their head so I'm always saying be careful watch where you're walking- but I wouldn't stop him doing it- men have been carrying their children like this forever - and it's likely more dangerous driving in a car or crossing the road.

I kind of see her point here.

I remember a few years back a story where a child fell backwards off Dad's shoulders, cracked their head and died.

How would you have caught a falling child without dropping the other?

Clearly you doing that was causing your wife some discomfort. She is allowed to voice her concerns.