Carrying children, DW went nuts

[midnighthour123]

Hi everyone,

Very confused about this.

Sunny weekend, all went to nearby forest. 2 kids (5 and 8), im a very hands on'y dad, love playing with the kids, games, carrying, sand pits, playgrounds - love to get involved - just love it. I'm very involved in lots of other stuff too, homework, school runs, cleaning, running the house etc.

Exiting the forest place going back to car. both kids want to go on my shoulders (taking turns was not enough...., for them). It's weekend, sunny, so.. ok, I'll lift you both. one on shoulders, other carried. I can handle it easily (I'm also building in the house, commonly lifting and moving very heavy stuff, regularly).

DW has a melt down, "its v. dangerous for health and safety", "you should not be carrying 2 kids, nobody else is doing it, its dangerous, its embarassing", (we are in a forest car park walking back to the car, on the side, not in anyones way, kids happy, im totally fine).

I was in the wrong?

It would look a bit risky maybe to the outside world, however, quite extreme to say you're an embarrassment. If she felt embarrassed that's on her. Perhaps her childhood didn't involve public displays of fun. If your DC's were laughing and giggling loudly, she maybe felt awkward as a response, but that's her issue , not yours.
Whatever, it was a moment in time and best ignored, not worth future dragging it up and arguing about after.

Your wife needs to get a grip.

Her reaction does sound a bit extreme and it sounds like you had hold of them. Is everything alright between you both generally?

It sounds like you and your wife both have different ideas of fun

Meh she was probably just having one of days where everything you did annoyed her 😆

We don't do double carrying any more with our two. My husband did exactly what you describe (albiet they were both younger).

She fell.
6 foot down headfirst onto gravel
So much blood
Concerns about her neck
Bluelighted to hospital
A horrible night in A&E
Glued head with a permanent scar

Never again

I don't know what there is to be confused about. She didn't think it looked safe and panicked because she thought there was a risk of the kids getting hurt.

Sounds precarious and dangerous with little to no margin for error.

I wouldn't want my children handled like that and would be angry.

Is she a MNer? Do you plan to show her this thread?

I really don't like when some men come on here and get other women and mums to agree about how shit their wife is. I don't go on Caveman Circus or Reddit and try to get men to slag my DH off.

There's sometimes an element of removing a supportive space to it as well. I won't join in.

I'm not sure exactly why men have to come to a majority women forums in the first place when there are many male majority forms to ask these types of questions.

Sounds like a huge overreaction from her to a bit of fun with minimal risk.

I wouldn't worry about safety, but those kids are not 'tiny' as anotherbposter said they are big lumps at that age and they should be using ther kegs ad walking

I’ve done this with my nephews. I’m currently favourite auntie 😂

I occasionally get annoyed at my DH for carrying the kids. Reasons include:

• not age appropriate. The three year olds all walk to their cars from nursery but he's carrying not just the three year old but the six year old too (one on each hip, not the way you've outlined). They need to be literally standing on their own two feet (especially the six year old).

• actively makes my life harder because it creates expectations I can't live up to. No, I can't carry you both, no I can't carry the three year old home from the playground, no I can't lift you up I'm making breakfast and we need to get to school etc etc etc. I'm convinced we'd have less whining on family trips if he just never said fucking yes but of course they think whining will get them what they want when it works at least half the time!

• makes him fun parent and casts me in the boring, says no all the time role. Whereas if we all did silly walks, singing songs etc etc we'd be on a more equal footing.

Don't get me wrong, there are times I'm delighted he can lift a tired child and get us home but there are also times in glaring daggers at his back!

Don’t carry the kids, you might trip.
don’t drive the car, you might crash.
don’t cross the street, you might get run over.
don’t claim to be a nice guy on MN, you’ll get flayed alive.

For what it’s worth, you did a normal dad thing. Congratulations.

And then what?
8yo is dangling on your back.
You can’t move your arms otherwise they’ll fall.
You can’t grab their legs because you’re holding the 5yo.

That is if you’re not readjusting the 5yo and moving said arms when the 8yo is ‘safely’ on your shoulders.
The 8yo isn’t wriggling etc….

Id agree with your dwife there.

Btw I agree with @CelesteCunningham

It sounds like a bit of fun.
It will make you look like cool, fun daddy by the dcs.

It might well make your dwife life much harder (why can’t you do the same than daddy??).
And you’ve lost the opportunity to teach them how to take turn whilst still making it fun.

I've had this exact same chat with my husband holding two of our kids this way, sometimes all three😂😬 Unless this is my husband 😂🙈
We have very different ideas and levels of safe.
In my opinion, if one falls or kicks off, they're all going down. We are locals are our A&E and I'd really rather not end up there.
Whereas hubby sees things very differently, if kids are happy immediately so is he.
We end up having to discuss our points of view to find a happy medium. .I'm definitely over cautions and he's definitely not cautious enough!

I’ve seen this before if it’s how I think. Kid on shoulders then securing their legs by holding the other kid against the legs. Looks perfectly fine to me. YANBU, is your wife generally anxious about possible dangers/safety?

Not age appropriate.
This just makes me sad. Older children don't need carrying everywhere and there obviously will come a time when physically you're unable to, but I can't imagine a fun trip to the park and saying no to a piggy back because of some arbitrary age someone has assigned. Yet MN often cries that kids are growing up too fast.

Actively makes my life harder because it creates expectations I can't live up to.
Christ, my toddler understands I can't fling her around or carry fher for as long my husband because he's incredibly strong from his job and I'm fat and disabled. If your children don't understand this that's on you.

Your wife sounds utterly tedious 🤦‍♀️

It sounds like a really very unpleasant way to speak to you, and I would be very unhappy about it.

Even if she had a genuine concern about their safety, and I am unconvinced she had, that style of communication is really corrosive in a relationship.

I am a woman in my early 60s and in the right set up I could carry an 8 yo and a 5 yo.

In a calm moment ask your DW what was upsetting her about it. And listen. And talk calmly.

You love your kids, she loves your kids. Find out what upset her

If both my kids wanted a shoulder ride, we'd put them astride dh shoulders and crack on. He does body building though so is very strong and treats it as training 🤣

Not really what is going on your DW, who gives a shit if you're carrying your kids on a walk? Sounds like there's something else going on there.

Ha ha about kids being infantilised by being carried. I gave my friend’s tall heavy DH a piggy back to the pub just to see if I could. My friend picked me up and carried me into the sea… it’s fun, physical rough and tumble at any age.