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Original poster

Partner more into bdsm than they said they were originally

121 replies

deflatedbystuff · 20/05/2024 06:02

I've been with my partner for a year. We have a good relationship, and if and when we have a disagreement we always communicate openly with each other about how we feel to resolve things. We've been talking about a future together

When we first met, we'd talked about sex and what we liked and didn't and both agreed that BDSM would be a turn off. However, as we've been together he's started to become more interested in BDSM in a light, playful way and it's been about exploring it together in a fun way between ourselves. He admitted that he actually is quite interested but didn't want to say anything because he was worried I would run for the hills.

I'm quite open about sex but know my boundaries. I'm happy to explore but know that I'm not into that lifestyle. Once in a while to spice things up is fine and he agreed with me.

Two weeks ago I found out that not only has he been into the BDSM lifestyle for some time, before he met me he went to meetings and then with a woman to a club - so he had lied to me. How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up - he offered me his phone to use as mine wasn't working - and as I went to register, his username and password for this site popped up - it had been stored on his phone. It then revealed his profile and the woman he went to the club with. I was pretty shaken - not by the BDSM but by him lying to me.

We've since talked it through and I've found a way to come to terms with it. However, last night I also found out that he used to cruise transgender sites for BDSM meet ups and has had sexual BDSM experiences with transgender women with some pretty raunchy text messages.

We all have a past and everyone is entitled to privacy - but recently it looks like this one transgender woman has texted him and he replied (a month ago) - I remember you, you gave me the longest b* job I've ever had. The person suggested meeting up again - but my partner didn't answer.

How do I know all this - I went on his phone. Something I have never done before - and I know it's wrong - but things he has been telling me haven't added up. And I just want to know what else he is lying about.

I don't know how to handle this information. As I said, we all have pasts - he's not cheating on me, but just tells me constant fibs about his past - and I sense when he's lying and that has eroded trust.

I feel really deflated and disappointed. I don't know what to believe anymore. I obviously found out this info inappropriately so can't bring it up and not sure I want to... but don't think I can pretend that everything is back to how it was a month ago before I found out about all this.

OP posts:
LakesideInn · 20/05/2024 06:07

It’s only been a year - assume no children, no shared assets? Cut your losses and run. He’s been completely dishonest with you about his sexual history and now he’s trying to push you down a route you’re not comfortable with. You’re not experimenting and discovering together, it turns out this is what he’s been into all along.

PineappleTime · 20/05/2024 06:09

It's just not normal to lie about your life and past the way he has. What else is he lying about? I couldn't trust him. No thanks.

GiantCousCous · 20/05/2024 06:11

Pros: he is listening to you and clearly trying to respect your boundaries by not saying too much

Cons: personally I would find the transgender + BDSM texts and info a total turn off and could never be with him again. I’d also be worried that he seems to be harping back to those experiences now that things with you have become a bit more normalised and maybe the initial excitement has worn off… even though you’re obviously making an effort.

It’s a “I would never be able to make this work” from me, but I don’t think it’s totally irretrievable if you have more tolerance than I do. On balance I’d say you should run for the hills.

littleburn · 20/05/2024 06:15

As you say, everyone is entitled to a past, but you know he has lied to you about his. The trust is gone and you can't make yourself 'come to terms' with that, unless you're happy always going to feel anxious abiut

littleburn · 20/05/2024 06:16

Sorry, sent too soon! ... unless you're happy with always feeling anxious.

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2024 06:18

He's not who he said he was and he probably won't be happy with vanilla sex, he's already pushing your boundaries wanting to sign up to this site.

littleburn · 20/05/2024 06:21

Also, look at how much he is disregarding and pushing your boundaries! You start off saying BDSM isn't your thing, you have no interest in that lifestyle and you have firm sexual boundaries. Now not only has he got you engaging in it, he's convinced you to join a site and look for a third person.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/05/2024 06:23

Run for the hills. He needs to find someone on his wavelength.
I went out with a lad who had a foot fetish it drove me mad in the end. Thank God dp is as vanilla as me haha

Chickenuggetsticks · 20/05/2024 06:24

I would let this one go tbh, he’s pushing against your boundaries here and I think it will only get worse.

OmuraWhale · 20/05/2024 06:25

I think I can understand him playing down his interest when you discussed this early on, and him being worried that you might find it off putting.

But you've been together a year now! He's had lots of time to open up. He should have been more honest about this aspect of his sexuality. I would dislike the lying, and also I would worry that you are sexually incompatible as it sounds like he is heavily into the BDSM scene so would be better off with a partner who feels the same way.

Soontobe60 · 20/05/2024 06:25

It’s pretty grim to purposely lie about something as fundamental as your sexual preferences and kinks. He’s been grooming you and if you let him he will ramp up the suggestions. That’s fine if you’re both into the same things, but if you’re not - and you clearly aren’t - then you need to be honest with him. You can either cut and run yourself, or tell him that you’re not willing to go along with his kink anymore and see what he says. I doubt that he will agree to stop in any meaningful way.

Spaceracers · 20/05/2024 06:27

Do you mean he messaged someone recently about a bj? That would be enough for me. After a year, you are not invested enough to try to make it work.

sarahc336 · 20/05/2024 06:33

I'd say he's into it much more than he's letting and hell keep slowly introducing it. This is what an ex if mine did, ended up wanting it as a lifestyle thing and that was a step 2 far for me. I wished he'd been more honest earlier as I knew it's not for me. I think you need to ask him openly what he's looking for op then you can decide if your ok with it or not

PansyPolly · 20/05/2024 06:48

Not wanting to be with someone any more is a good enough reason to break up.

You know this info now. It doesn’t matter that maybe you went more on his phone than you “should have” done. You don’t feel compatible with him and you can simply say that.

Startingagainandagain · 20/05/2024 07:38

End it.

He lied to you about his sexual preference and is trying to slowly manipulate you into accepting his fetish although he knows full well you are not into it.

Also people who are into BDSM/have a specific fetish can get quite obsessed about it and a partner can become just a tool to satisfy the fetish.

takemeawayagain · 20/05/2024 07:43

It would be a very big no from me. You know he has no problem with lying to you. He could easily have said he had enjoyed BDSM in the past but that you were more important to him than a fetish. Instead he lied to you and then maneuvered you into a fetish you'd told him you had no interest in.

GatherlyGal · 20/05/2024 07:48

I think having a past is very different from lying about your past.

A partner you can't trust doesn't feel like a good longterm prospect.

SamW98 · 20/05/2024 07:50

He’s a liar who was completely dishonest in order to get into a relationship with yoI and continue to be dishonest.

You can’t trust him so what’s the point being with him? A lie is a lie - they’re not ‘fibs’ there’s no such thing - they’re big old lies.

Doingmybest12 · 20/05/2024 07:52

Him pretending that interest isn't something he's into now whilst simultaneously engineering your involvement into it is not good and I doubt you'll both have a happy life together. His choice of expartners is also something that would cross the line for me. It sounds potentially very complicated and I wouldn't want that in a partner.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2024 07:56

After that message about oral sex with a transgender woman I could not find him attractive anymore.

I wonder why he's lied to you.

Do you have more money than he does? A house? It sounds as though he has something to gain by lying.

AlltheFs · 20/05/2024 07:57

Throw him back @deflatedbystuff
He is not a keeper, he lies. It’s almost irrelevant what it’s about. This won’t end well and better to get out now.
I’m sorry but he sounds very manipulative.

Olivia2495 · 20/05/2024 08:00

He sounds really manipulative and like he’s been grooming you. Now you know how deceptive he is what are you going to do?

The transgender issue would thing would be the end for me. I think it would be wise to get tested.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/05/2024 08:01

He lied to you. And he is manipulating you as you speak to get you involved in something you have said you don't want to do. Leave. He is a liar and a manipulator and you will not win.

He is VERY into BDSM if he's actively involved in the clubs and socials. He's also trying to involve others in your sex life. How do you feel about non monogamy, have you had that talk?

BobbyBiscuits · 20/05/2024 08:08

I don't understand why he didn't just date someone from the BDSM scene instead of trying to manipulate/groom you into it?
If he's that into it he should have been honest. Actively saying he thinks it's a turn off, then it turns out to be his major kink he can't get off without? It's just unnecessary. He could have told you he'd done and liked that stuff, then maybe you might not have chosen to date him for so long? If at all?
He's not interested in your desires, only how he can try and make you facilitate his own.

Azerothi · 20/05/2024 08:09

It sounds to me your boyfriend is using you to cover up being openly gay, unless I am very much mistaken transgender women are usually intact biological men. I find it strange he would do this and would get rid for lying. And, get an urgent STI screen.