Partner more into bdsm than they said they were originally

[deflatedbystuff]

I've been with my partner for a year. We have a good relationship, and if and when we have a disagreement we always communicate openly with each other about how we feel to resolve things. We've been talking about a future together

When we first met, we'd talked about sex and what we liked and didn't and both agreed that BDSM would be a turn off. However, as we've been together he's started to become more interested in BDSM in a light, playful way and it's been about exploring it together in a fun way between ourselves. He admitted that he actually is quite interested but didn't want to say anything because he was worried I would run for the hills.

I'm quite open about sex but know my boundaries. I'm happy to explore but know that I'm not into that lifestyle. Once in a while to spice things up is fine and he agreed with me.

Two weeks ago I found out that not only has he been into the BDSM lifestyle for some time, before he met me he went to meetings and then with a woman to a club - so he had lied to me. How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up - he offered me his phone to use as mine wasn't working - and as I went to register, his username and password for this site popped up - it had been stored on his phone. It then revealed his profile and the woman he went to the club with. I was pretty shaken - not by the BDSM but by him lying to me.

We've since talked it through and I've found a way to come to terms with it. However, last night I also found out that he used to cruise transgender sites for BDSM meet ups and has had sexual BDSM experiences with transgender women with some pretty raunchy text messages.

We all have a past and everyone is entitled to privacy - but recently it looks like this one transgender woman has texted him and he replied (a month ago) - I remember you, you gave me the longest b* job I've ever had. The person suggested meeting up again - but my partner didn't answer.

How do I know all this - I went on his phone. Something I have never done before - and I know it's wrong - but things he has been telling me haven't added up. And I just want to know what else he is lying about.

I don't know how to handle this information. As I said, we all have pasts - he's not cheating on me, but just tells me constant fibs about his past - and I sense when he's lying and that has eroded trust.

I feel really deflated and disappointed. I don't know what to believe anymore. I obviously found out this info inappropriately so can't bring it up and not sure I want to... but don't think I can pretend that everything is back to how it was a month ago before I found out about all this.

So he is gay or bi. Not a problem if you knew that. I would leave. He will continue to push your boundaries which are already being weakened. Get yourself tested too. I doubt I would fancy him after that text with the trans woman.

He lied about something quite important here and will keep pushing your boundaries to make you into what he really wants. Run for the hills.

So you went to register an account using his phone that would obviously have his email address stored anyway and then noticed that he’d already logged in? How on earth were you going to access the account via his phone?

Pansexual, you mean. Not gay.

Breaking it down, ignoring the lying and inappropriate text messages 🚩, sexually you don't match and honestly it sounds as though you both would suit different partners.

If he enjoys sex with men then he's either gay or bi.

Regardless of his past/lying about his past, are you up for going down this road with him in the future? You're already further over your BDSM boundary than you intended. You might be OK with that but you know he wants to go further (at least to where he's been before, and possibly further still).

Are you up for that? Because if not you may as well cut your losses.

Clearly he enjoys sex with the OP, so I would accept bi.

As he has had sex with a trans woman, pan is probably correct.

Gay isn’t, though.

Lol at pan

I tend to be quite liberal on personal tastes and preferences. But in this case - it is not about his choices; it is about taking yours away.

He seems is trying to slowly change (convert?) you. There is a world of difference between occasionally exploring and pushing boundaries for fun AND joining a BDSM site for meet-ups with others.

The other issue for me would be that had you known his full sexual history - (at least the bits you do know now) - you should have at least asked for a full STD (including HIV) checkup. Transgender (and possibly also gay) meet-up are a different ball game risk wise from other lifestyles. BDSM in clubs also is to an extent.
This level of decaption on potential health risks to me is unacceptable and I would struggle to trust someone like this.

Otherwise - his kinks and preferences are, of course, his personal choice. If you want to be in a relationship with him - you will need to adopt them. As it is unlikely he’ll be happy to give them up in the long term. He does not seem to just want to dabble in Mr.Grey territory - as so many men have started since the book. He is firmly and deeply into the kink.

This..and where will it end?
He has deceived you... unacceptable

I don't think things are going to work out between you. He's not honest. You're not compatible.

It's also very controlling and selfish of him to try to pressure you into his interests now when he knows you're not into it and must have always known he would be trying to get you to do this.

Run. Run. Run.

This is all vile.

You don't have to give full disclosure of all aspects of your sexual past. However it is important to be honest about your preferences so you can build a solid foundation. He lied about some very important stuff and this would be a dealbreaker for me.

He has been incredibly manipulative, presenting himself as being ’like you’ when in fact he’s heavily into the fetish scene which you’ve been explicit you are not.

Under the guise of exploring light BDSM, he’s groomed you into considering full on kink- involving other people, BDSM, and deceived you about his own past.

It’s particularly worrying that you’ve had ‘open and honest conversations’ about it and you feel able to let it go.
He’s a top class manipulator and hasn’t said an honest word to you yet you believe Him.

You should run not just because of his past, or what he’s groomed you into doing, but his ability to persuade you black is white.

Dangerous man.

He may get nasty, by the way, if he thinks his charm is not working on you.

BDSM is a pretty big thing to lie about when talking about your preferences in my opinion, if someone isn’t into it then it’s not something you may ever be into, it’s a you kinda like it and want to explore or it’s not for you. It’s fair enough you and him playing around a bit with it and enjoying it like you said and exploring between yourselves. But to then leap to joining a BDSM site is a bit extreme and he is way way more deep into the scene than just a little spanking and restraint etc. For me I would cut my losses you aren’t going to feel adequate to what you think his needs are sexually and I would worry he would push you into stuff you’re not comfortable with. Everyone does have a past but lying about sexual preferences is a no especially when it clearly has been a big part of his sex life.

This all day long. He's not who you think he is and he's been manipulating you into breaking down your sexual boundaries by playing the nice guy.

It's a little bit more than being curious about it, he's full on into it!
It would bother me he's on BDSM websites, actively messaging and looking around on it, it's just opening doors to cheat IMO.
He probably did want to try and change it when he met you, and not go to clubs / websites etc but I don't know if you can ever shake off a big sexual fantasy/lifestyle.

Run.

He's a liar and has hidden a large part of his personality from you.

I bet he's hiding a lot more.

He is grooming you.

He is manipulating you.

He is lying to you.

He is trampling all over your boundaries.

Gather your self love and self respect and get away from this man. If you have good close female friends tell them what is going on and let them help you.

Yea chuck him back into the sea op. He messaged another man recently about a bj he gave him. If that on top of everything else is not a red flag with a red flag in that I don't know what is.

I’d walk away. In fact I think you should run.

If you have sexual preferences that are important to you then, if you have a modicum of respect for them, you bring them up early on with someone to give them the free choice if they want to be with you or not.

Some people hide their preferences and never act on them to have a relationship and that rarely turns out well.

Some people, like your boyfriend, hide them and then slowly try and bring them into the relationship with the hope that they’ve snared you enough that you’ll join in. Even if you don’t particularly like it or want to.

And then tells you all about a person. Early on in your relationship you told him BDSM absolutely wasn’t for you, yet now that he has you hooked in he’s bringing it in more and more.

He doesn’t respect your wishes or your boundaries, and with someone into BDSM that, to be frank, is downright dangerous.

He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Master manipulater.
Unless you are really interested in stepping into his lifestyle full time (it will rule your life) and are willing to forget every boundary you thought was healthy, then show this person the door.

It's odd that he wouldn't have been open about his interest in BDSM from the start, as obviously he enjoys it so would want to have a partner he can explore it with. That speaks to, at best, low self esteem leading to him adjusting how he presents himself to gain the approval of whoever he's with (which is a bad path to go down), and at worst, outright lying to deceive and control the narrative. There's just not really a good reason for all this lying, and as you say, the trust has gone. I'd be getting out of this relationship quickly. Lying about sexual history in this particular way is a red flag.