Partner more into bdsm than they said they were originally

[deflatedbystuff]

I've been with my partner for a year. We have a good relationship, and if and when we have a disagreement we always communicate openly with each other about how we feel to resolve things. We've been talking about a future together

When we first met, we'd talked about sex and what we liked and didn't and both agreed that BDSM would be a turn off. However, as we've been together he's started to become more interested in BDSM in a light, playful way and it's been about exploring it together in a fun way between ourselves. He admitted that he actually is quite interested but didn't want to say anything because he was worried I would run for the hills.

I'm quite open about sex but know my boundaries. I'm happy to explore but know that I'm not into that lifestyle. Once in a while to spice things up is fine and he agreed with me.

Two weeks ago I found out that not only has he been into the BDSM lifestyle for some time, before he met me he went to meetings and then with a woman to a club - so he had lied to me. How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up - he offered me his phone to use as mine wasn't working - and as I went to register, his username and password for this site popped up - it had been stored on his phone. It then revealed his profile and the woman he went to the club with. I was pretty shaken - not by the BDSM but by him lying to me.

We've since talked it through and I've found a way to come to terms with it. However, last night I also found out that he used to cruise transgender sites for BDSM meet ups and has had sexual BDSM experiences with transgender women with some pretty raunchy text messages.

We all have a past and everyone is entitled to privacy - but recently it looks like this one transgender woman has texted him and he replied (a month ago) - I remember you, you gave me the longest b* job I've ever had. The person suggested meeting up again - but my partner didn't answer.

How do I know all this - I went on his phone. Something I have never done before - and I know it's wrong - but things he has been telling me haven't added up. And I just want to know what else he is lying about.

I don't know how to handle this information. As I said, we all have pasts - he's not cheating on me, but just tells me constant fibs about his past - and I sense when he's lying and that has eroded trust.

I feel really deflated and disappointed. I don't know what to believe anymore. I obviously found out this info inappropriately so can't bring it up and not sure I want to... but don't think I can pretend that everything is back to how it was a month ago before I found out about all this.

I am very old and have been round the block a few times. I have met and known openly 'very' gay men who could just about get it up with a woman given the right set of (BDSM, latex etc) circumstances. Use your limited imagination. They were using those women to look 'normal' just like OP's boyfriend.

So he's been lying to you for a year.

He's trying to coerce you into taking part in activities that you clearly do not want to do (anything that you need to "come to terms with" is clearly not something you want to do).

He has potentially not been honest about his sexuality.

He has potentially started cheating on you (engaging in sexually explicit conversations with another person counts as cheating in my book).

Get out now.

@PansyPolly

Don't be silly. The man isn't a bisexual who wants to engage in loving relationships with men. He wants seedy, sleazy casual sex with male strangers and involve his female girlfriend.

It's utterly gross.

Ignore the derailers with their own agenda op.

He is a lying, bisexual man who is into BDSM and swinging.

You are a non lying, heterosexual woman who is not into BDSM and swinging.

You would have known this if he wasn't a liar, and most likely not gotten involved further with him. He knew that. That would probably be the case with most women. Which is why he lies by omission and lies directly too.

You are not compatible.... is the nicest possible way I could put this.

Not many women would be compatible with him.

This OP!
He's got what Dr. Minwalla has termed a "Secret Sexual Basement" and you've just found it by chance.
Run, and thank God you found out before you got too entangled with him- married, mortgage, children. Too many women have found out their husbands have a SSB after they've become entangled and it's devastating for them, and any poor children they have!

He’s pushing your boundaries, manipulating you being selfish and dishonest, and that’s just a year into the relationship. You need to dump him.

He’s already lied to you before about no BDSM (when he agreed with you that neither of you were into it) so don’t be conned this time by his statement that he isn’t bothered

If he wasn’t bothered he’d never have introduced it to someone who clearly isn’t into it.

if he wasn’t bother he wouldn’t still be a member of the site you logged into.

There are a section of men who claim to be “Doms” and into BDSM who are actually not. They’re just bullying men who want to inflict pain, and have whatever sex they want, involving the partner they choose regardless of that partners wishes or enjoyment. Yours sounds very much like that.

Its not actually surprising to me that he didn’t mention it until you were considerably down the line because he’s not actually hoping you’ll be into it in an enjoyable way - he just hopes you feel you’ve put so much into the relationship already you’ll let him continue eroding your boundaries.

I had 4 relationships before I met my DH that ended very very very early because I’m a swinger. None of the men were genuinely into it and I brought it up early, out of respect, and as soon as I could see it wasn’t for them (and you can tell very quickly when you know someone - your partner knows you’re not into it) I walked away. For most people there’s nothing horny or sexy about a partner who is doing something they don’t enjoy. I can’t imagine anything worse than trying to get a partner to do something I know they’re not into.

It says a lot that he gets enjoyment about of things he knows you don’t want to do.

Good partnerships are about respect first and foremost. And your boyfriend has none for you or your wishes

I'd consider meeting the tw and get their take on the situation. I'd want to know exactly what he's done. It sounds that he's lied through his back teeth to you and you need to bin him. He definitely prefers the slap to the tickle but you don't. Both position are fine but not when one person is manipulating the other into doing things against their inclinations.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Sounds very much like he's into coercive control.

BDSM goes on about master/slave stuff but no one does anything that they don't want to. Consent is not only informed but the details are ground small and ground fine so no surprises. He's breaking the rules.

It's a power play.

Try and remember all the layers to this. It isn’t about BDSM and how far you want to go.

He misrepresented himself to you- who he is, what he likes, what he wants and what he’s done.

Your sadness and disappointment is because he isn’t who he said he is, and you no longer trust him the way you did.

Don’t let him make out everything is fine because he’s backed off on the BDSM. He tricked you into trying it in the first place. He is manipulative. He groomed you.

💐

A past yes, but you can't change what youre into doesn't work like that.
He should of been honest really as what did he think would happen. That you would of had a change of heart? You either are into it or not.
For me I wouldnt feel comfortable, as you don't know if he's going to do it on the side You need a serious talk with him but I agree with the others it's only been a year it sounds like alot.

Wow. That is some heavy duty lying.

This

Dump. It's not your thing. Don't try and make it your thing because it's his. And it very much is his.

@TeaGinandFags yeah, it does. Trying to style it out as part of his kink no doubt. Grim.

How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up

Were you even ok with this?

Its a massive jump from seeing how you feel and exploring things with him to joining an actual website and seeing if anyone wants to meet up.

I can’t believe you would agree to something so extreme, before even knowing if this is your thing or not.

At the very least you would watch porn or do light BSDM for a few months/years and then if it’s definitely something that you’re into, then you go on these websites and potentially meet others.

Where are your boundaries OP?

You need to find them and stick to them before you end up doing something you regret.

Sorry IP but he's a lying shitbag who knew full well that none of this would be ok by you- I would just be blunt and say that you don't appreciate his lying by omission and it's not a scene you want to part of and you no longer feel the same

change out 'BDSM' for the word fetish. He is a fetishist, or has a paraphilia. No doubt he is driven pretty strongly by these desires ( as most men with paraphilias are). He could very well be completely manipulating and just trying to get what he wants (have his cake and eat it - a nice woman and family life, alongside his sexual desires). It is apparent he has lied to you, but about what else too? who knows.

You would be mad to stay with him after this. There are men everywhere, go find yourself a nice one x

This!!!!! Don't let him have his cake and eat it. Lots of nice men out there without all of these deviant ways!

Trans women are men. Bi or gay will suffice.

Run