Partner more into bdsm than they said they were originally

[deflatedbystuff]

I've been with my partner for a year. We have a good relationship, and if and when we have a disagreement we always communicate openly with each other about how we feel to resolve things. We've been talking about a future together

When we first met, we'd talked about sex and what we liked and didn't and both agreed that BDSM would be a turn off. However, as we've been together he's started to become more interested in BDSM in a light, playful way and it's been about exploring it together in a fun way between ourselves. He admitted that he actually is quite interested but didn't want to say anything because he was worried I would run for the hills.

I'm quite open about sex but know my boundaries. I'm happy to explore but know that I'm not into that lifestyle. Once in a while to spice things up is fine and he agreed with me.

Two weeks ago I found out that not only has he been into the BDSM lifestyle for some time, before he met me he went to meetings and then with a woman to a club - so he had lied to me. How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up - he offered me his phone to use as mine wasn't working - and as I went to register, his username and password for this site popped up - it had been stored on his phone. It then revealed his profile and the woman he went to the club with. I was pretty shaken - not by the BDSM but by him lying to me.

We've since talked it through and I've found a way to come to terms with it. However, last night I also found out that he used to cruise transgender sites for BDSM meet ups and has had sexual BDSM experiences with transgender women with some pretty raunchy text messages.

We all have a past and everyone is entitled to privacy - but recently it looks like this one transgender woman has texted him and he replied (a month ago) - I remember you, you gave me the longest b* job I've ever had. The person suggested meeting up again - but my partner didn't answer.

How do I know all this - I went on his phone. Something I have never done before - and I know it's wrong - but things he has been telling me haven't added up. And I just want to know what else he is lying about.

I don't know how to handle this information. As I said, we all have pasts - he's not cheating on me, but just tells me constant fibs about his past - and I sense when he's lying and that has eroded trust.

I feel really deflated and disappointed. I don't know what to believe anymore. I obviously found out this info inappropriately so can't bring it up and not sure I want to... but don't think I can pretend that everything is back to how it was a month ago before I found out about all this.

Again, it is the phrasing of PP’s post that is bi or homophobic.

HTH.

I agree and I really feel for you OP.

Give yourself time, surround yourself with people you trust and you’ll be ok. Better to have found out now and stopped it going anywhere further than to have not found out and possibly been slowly coerced into doing more under the impression he was as new to it all as you were.

Doesn’t help at all. Like the pp, I don’t want to sleep with men who put their dicks inside other men. It’s a turn off for me Personal preference. As long as I’m not sleeping with them, I don’t care. So it’s not biphobic.

I am bi phobic in the sense that sleeping with a man who also sleeps with men would give me the ich. I am not drawn that way.

The idea of a threesome has the same impact on my libido.

However, I do not condem people with those preferences.

That’s not bi phobic, it’s just preferences in your own sex life.

Sorry but he is a liar. Fair enough he doesn't have to disclose all of his past endeavors to you and I understand not wanting to scare you off with his bdsm preferences. But his sexuality shouldn't be something hidden from you, from the start. It's 2024, being bisexual is quite common and I personally would want to know if my male partner had sucked a dick!!! Which would absolutely put me off him and I have every right to feel that way. Urgh.

This perv will never stop pestering you. Next thing you know you’ll find him clad in latex being bummed by a bloke in a wig and inviting you to join in. If you don’t fancy that, it’s time to bin him.

Be careful.... This site is overrun with a couple of posters screaming "homophobia" and "biphobia" and reporting people's posts ATM; I've had a pleasant little email from MN due to them.

They go on a personal crusade and don't help the op at all.

Let me explain by way of an ageist reference.

”I wouldn’t want to date a guy who previously dated a woman 20 years older than him” - preference, not ageism.

”How could you let his dick anywhere near you given the age of the fanny it’s been in before??” - ageism, similar to PP’s random bottom comments.

HTH. If not, I’ll leave it there; I have no wish to play chess with pigeons.

I bet he also never told you he is bisexual.

Which he is, if he has blow jobs off biological men.

That, to me, is also a type of fraud. Not being honest about having sex with or having had sex with both sexes.

I am a heterosexual woman, looking to date, have sex with and have a relationship with a heterosexual man. It seems like the op is the same.

It is major lying by omission and misrepresentation for him to not mention he's had sex with men.

I have no wish to play chess with pigeons.

Yes, you're clearly too intelligent for this forum.

Maybe there's another one that would do you justice.

Aww, that’s sweet, but I’m fine here, thanks.

But you do know what to believe OP. You’ve read it with your own eyes.

Doesn’t matter how you found out you have. Why do you want to bring it up? Do you believe there’s a way he can explain it in such a way as you’ll be comfortable with it?

His fetishes seem a bit more than BDSM to me. I’d run a mile personally. And get STI tested.

No, you're wrong. I meant it how I wrote it.

It must be so terribly boring and frustrating to have to explain things to the "pigeons" on here though ...such a waste of your SUPREME INTELLECT.

Andrew Tate plays chess ...just saying.

I'm never sweet, sweet-heart.

Why do you think a man who has sex with male bodied and female bodied people is gay?

*Andrew, FYI.

TTFN, Saratoga.

Aww, you spotted and edited it. Well done!

Age isn’t comparable to sex (being male or female) in terms of having sex with someone. Because sexual attraction is all about sexuality.

You seem to see yourself as some kind of gatekeeper on here. You come across as as someone tgsg wants to erode others boundaries and tell them what they should think. Your pan sexual comment for one. 🤣 People are either straight, gay or bi.

I don’t want to sleep with bi men because they’re turned on by other men and have their cock inside other. Not a turn on. Personal preference.

I’m glad you’re going to leave if there.

male bodied and female bodied people

One would think someone of such self proclaimed superior intelligence as yourself would know the words that exist for those people .....without having to use three word phrases to describe something that single words already exist for.

• inside other men that should say

Och did I deprive you of your big gotcha ..... A typo.

Imagine, a typo.

What a huge demonstration of your superior intellect to pick that up and post about it.

Similar to all the other demonstrations of your gigantic, superior intellect here.

Lol