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Original poster

Partner more into bdsm than they said they were originally

121 replies

deflatedbystuff · 20/05/2024 06:02

I've been with my partner for a year. We have a good relationship, and if and when we have a disagreement we always communicate openly with each other about how we feel to resolve things. We've been talking about a future together

When we first met, we'd talked about sex and what we liked and didn't and both agreed that BDSM would be a turn off. However, as we've been together he's started to become more interested in BDSM in a light, playful way and it's been about exploring it together in a fun way between ourselves. He admitted that he actually is quite interested but didn't want to say anything because he was worried I would run for the hills.

I'm quite open about sex but know my boundaries. I'm happy to explore but know that I'm not into that lifestyle. Once in a while to spice things up is fine and he agreed with me.

Two weeks ago I found out that not only has he been into the BDSM lifestyle for some time, before he met me he went to meetings and then with a woman to a club - so he had lied to me. How I found out was he suggested we join a a BSDM website to see if anyone would want to meet up - he offered me his phone to use as mine wasn't working - and as I went to register, his username and password for this site popped up - it had been stored on his phone. It then revealed his profile and the woman he went to the club with. I was pretty shaken - not by the BDSM but by him lying to me.

We've since talked it through and I've found a way to come to terms with it. However, last night I also found out that he used to cruise transgender sites for BDSM meet ups and has had sexual BDSM experiences with transgender women with some pretty raunchy text messages.

We all have a past and everyone is entitled to privacy - but recently it looks like this one transgender woman has texted him and he replied (a month ago) - I remember you, you gave me the longest b* job I've ever had. The person suggested meeting up again - but my partner didn't answer.

How do I know all this - I went on his phone. Something I have never done before - and I know it's wrong - but things he has been telling me haven't added up. And I just want to know what else he is lying about.

I don't know how to handle this information. As I said, we all have pasts - he's not cheating on me, but just tells me constant fibs about his past - and I sense when he's lying and that has eroded trust.

I feel really deflated and disappointed. I don't know what to believe anymore. I obviously found out this info inappropriately so can't bring it up and not sure I want to... but don't think I can pretend that everything is back to how it was a month ago before I found out about all this.

OP posts:
SarahSosej · 20/05/2024 11:51

This is not in his past, it’s in his present and it won’t be going away. You need to leave if the BDSM and Trans hook ups are not something you will accept (not many would). He’ll just hide it and get his kicks sneakily when the urge gets strong. You should end this now.

Opentooffers · 20/05/2024 12:09

You're trying too hard to be cool about things that most people would run a mile from. How many times did you try to explain it away with 'we all have a past'? Well, we don't all have a past containing bisexuality, BDSM, sex clubs ( which likely means non-manogamy) and sex with trans people. That is a whole lotta niche stuff and it is totally fine to be not OK with it, and not want it in your life.
Maybe the clue was in ending up talking about BDSM early on. You thought you were discussing tastes, but I bet he brought it up to sound you out.
You've been slowly groomed to accept his lifestyle. Don't fall for it. I'd say I'm Liberal and have no issues with what people get up to - except if they coerce others. That doesn't mean I can't have my own boundaries and stick to them.

crumpet · 20/05/2024 12:15

You don’t have to have any reasons for liking/disliking something. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling that you have to justify whether or not you like the BDSM scene, or justify whether you want to leave the relationship.

he has lied to you on more than one occasion. So you know you can’t trust him.

I wouldn’t stay with someone I couldn’t trust

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/05/2024 12:16

He told big lies and then tried to groom you with faux naivetie that he’s not done it all before except he has and quite in-depth too.

Id dump him, sounds like he needs a partner to access the lifestyle I heard lone males aren’t as welcome as lone women.

He has no respect for you.

JJathome · 20/05/2024 12:19

Jesus, why you staying with him then and pretending you don’t know. The things some folks will put up with,

GotOnHerCutOffs · 20/05/2024 12:23

He’s lied to you and is now working on eroding your boundaries. I’d get rid based on that. BDSM also wouldn’t be for me and I wouldn’t be interested in a man who wants to sleep with other men.

To please this man, you’re going to have to keep doing things that you don’t want to do and he’ll probably still lie to you and possibly continue to sleep with men.

🚩

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2024 12:23

You didn't find out inappropriately. He gave you his phone and his site details were already on it when you went onto the site.

He lied to you in a huge way and you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. Run for the hills!

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 12:31

I'm sure there are plenty of other men out there and you don't have to put up with this deviant for a second longer.

WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2024 12:37

Personally the bdsm and being into transgender would be a huge turn off for me. It’s good he didn’t reply to the text but he has lied and he is trying to push your boundaries. Of course this may not be the case, but I think it’s unlikely he’ll be happy with vanilla type sex long-term and would be worried it’s only a matter of time before he goes exploring again. Cut your losses before you’re tied down.

morechaimama · 20/05/2024 12:45

So many lies...and insidious coercion...this man isn't relationship-material regardless of whether you share his sexual tastes or not. You clearly can't trust a word he says...and that's not something you can build a future on. The hills are that way...run!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 12:48

He's a deviant manipulator who is working hard at eroding every boundary you have, and it's only going to get worse.

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 12:49

How would you ever have oral or vaginal sex again knowing that it's been up random men's bottoms who he has met up with?

Horseskeepmesane · 20/05/2024 12:51

Run for the hills…..

PansyPolly · 20/05/2024 12:52

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 12:49

How would you ever have oral or vaginal sex again knowing that it's been up random men's bottoms who he has met up with?

Bi-phobic, much?

tothelefttotheleft · 20/05/2024 12:58

@PansyPolly

Is it phobic to have your own preferences and boundaries?

Original poster
deflatedbystuff · 20/05/2024 13:00

He has told me many times that he's committed to the relationship and he values it more than BDSM and if I don't want to go down that route then a hard no is a hard no. I explored it and was honest with him about it - and it's okay and light hearted in our own bedroom, that's fine. I did say I was up for exploring but that I felt uncertain and nervous. But now, having uncovered more, I think going down that route with him when there are now serious trust issues would be like lighting the touch paper. I've just told him I've changed my mind and don't want to go any further with BDSM apart from what we do in our own home - and he has said that's fine. I have asked him whether that will be enough for him - and to be honest, or whether he would get his "kicks" elsewhere... of course he's said No.

I feel so miserable. We get on in so many ways and do a lot together as a couple. I wonder if I have been used all along. Everything everyone has said here is so right - it's just a major major disappointment.

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 20/05/2024 13:02

there is a difference between “I personally prefer to date straight people” and what the PP said.

HTH @tothelefttotheleft

tothelefttotheleft · 20/05/2024 13:05

PansyPolly · 20/05/2024 13:02

there is a difference between “I personally prefer to date straight people” and what the PP said.

HTH @tothelefttotheleft

Edited

Oh right I see what you mean!

I'm on chemo and my brains not working as well. Thankyou for explaining.

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 13:07

It would be a no from me.

All of it.

The lying about such significant things.

The BDSM lifestyle.

And especially the having had sex with transwomen.

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 13:09

he needs a partner to access the lifestyle I heard lone males aren’t as welcome as lone women

Definitely.

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 13:10

it's just a major major disappointment.

Sorry op 💐

You'll meet someone else in time if you want.

GotOnHerCutOffs · 20/05/2024 13:11

PansyPolly · 20/05/2024 12:52

Bi-phobic, much?

Show quote history

I don’t think it is bi phobic to ask the question or for finding it a turn off for the man you have sex with, to have sex with other men. I’d find it a turn off too. That’s not the same as being biphobic.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 13:11

You've definitely been used. I think you've been a fun little project for him, getting to see just how far he can push you.

AnnetteKurtan · 20/05/2024 13:12

This information is telling you who he really is. If it’s not your cup of tea he has to go

Saratoga212 · 20/05/2024 13:13

The totally disingenuous, fake set up re looking into BDSM swinging etc together, with him having actually done it all before - including BDSM sexual encounters with the same sex ......

That's some stratospheric level of lying and acting.