Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To stop seeing him for this comment...

110 replies

PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:29

Met a guy OLD. He comes across really genuine and we've had a few dates and things have been going well.

Last date was a meal and drinks, and then things were hotting up so he suggested we go back to my flat. I said absolutely no way - as my flat wasn't prepared for a guest and I like to make it pristine for visitors etc. I hadn't expected the date to turn that way.

Anyway, he said he didn't mind / wouldn't judge so we went back to mine. Spent the night together and had a lovely time, and I actually couldn't get rid of him the next morning as he wanted to stay longer.

Now here comes the comment - we were cuddling on the sofa, eating breakfast, he started to say I was beautiful etc, and then went '...could your flat be tidier? Maybe! But it's fine! It doesn't matter' and carried on talking about how beautiful he thinks I am.

This does not sit well with me. I told him initially I didn't want him to come back to my flat as I hadn't tidied it up to 'guest' level. Also, my flat wasn't filthy / unclean / untidy. It just also wasn't pristine ie there was laundry waiting to be folded in the living room and my kids toys on the floor.

I have to also add to this - I am a single mum who works three jobs with no support. He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS! And he made a comment that my flat could be tidier!!!

I genuinely don't know how he had the audacity to make that comment, and it's making me question whether or not to see him again. I am aware he could have awkwardly been trying to compliment me and it came off wrong. He does seem like a nice person.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
annonymousse · 18/05/2024 12:31

I would have taken that comment as him trying to reassure you that he doesn't think you live in a pig sty and he really likes you. I wouldn't have been offended at all.

Lemsipper · 18/05/2024 12:33

Sounds like a joke but on another point he doesn’t sound like a great catch with being 33 and living with his parents. You have kids, surely focus on providing for them rather than adding a man baby into the mix.

Original poster
PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:34

Its only he told me he wouldn't judge, but then the next morning seemed to highlight that my flat could be tidier.
It could have been a clumsy remark but as I was already conscious about the flat I felt it!

OP posts:
Nomechange1 · 18/05/2024 12:34

You're being over sensitive.

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 12:34

For me the issue would be more that he pressured you into having him back to your place for sex when you’d said not, and that you then went along with this.

Original poster
PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:36

He didn't pressure me for sex at all 😧I was really glad of it and we had a lovely night... It's been a while for me so ...😅

OP posts:
Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 18/05/2024 12:36

33 and living with ma and pa...run for the hills! Either he's dependent on them for cheap board and being looked after or they're dependent on him for company and heing able to play the martyr. Either way, he's no catch.

Original poster
PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:37

@Nomechange1 that's what I was hoping to be told! I'll let it go 😅

OP posts:
fourelementary · 18/05/2024 12:38

Honestly just talk to him- explain how his comment made you feel and see how he reacts. If you’re able to be intimate with him you should be able to be honest and not jump to dumping him as the first choice ?

singingthypraises · 18/05/2024 12:38

Sounds like you were sensitive about the flat and then his comment seemed bigger than it is. I don't think it's been meant the way you've taken it. I also think you're being too quick to dismiss him over something so small.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 18/05/2024 12:38

Absolutely nothing in this. And as for his age and living at home it’s not uncommon in the current financial climate - jeez!

mrsdineen2 · 18/05/2024 12:41

Sounds like he was trying to give you reassurance regarding a comment you'd made earlier. Very cack-handed, and he should have waited until you mentioned the flat again to do so, but sounds like he meant well.

But if you're shouting about audacity and slating him for where he lives, while he's trying to be nice to you, maybe you should do him the favour of letting him go.

LightSpeeds · 18/05/2024 12:42

"He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS!"

So probably has no idea about the responsibility and work needed to keep your OWN place up together. 🙄

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 12:42

Er, that your boundaries are shit?

So what if he didn't care you hadnt tidied up. You cared. Or, you at least said you did.

As for his comment, if you'dade it clear you didn't want him to go back becaise the place was untidy, it sounds like a lighthearted, throwaway comment designed to put you at ease and let you know he wasn't judging you for it because you had mentioned it first.

I'd imagine you're feeling a bit weird this morning because you went against your gut instinct and now the whole thing feels a bit tainted.

dudsville · 18/05/2024 12:45

I could easily see this as a joke, it wouldn't have bothered me, my response would have been something like "oi!" with a toe prod. Definitely not worth actually talking about.

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2024 12:46

Just sounds like he was trying to reassure you about things. I mean maybe he thought you might be worrying still about what he thought of the mess.

I AM going to say something judgey though- you brought this man back to your kids home after a few dates? That's very risky. As a single mum too, beware men can be predators. And with him living at home, my worry would be that these fun nights would always have to be at yours and that, may lead to you introducing the children to him far too soon just because it feels convenient.

Also, if they say they live with parents, I'd try confirm this ASAP. Probably before shagging.
Do a good bit of social media searching, check there isn't a wife.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 12:47

PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:34

Its only he told me he wouldn't judge, but then the next morning seemed to highlight that my flat could be tidier.
It could have been a clumsy remark but as I was already conscious about the flat I felt it!

He knew it was playing on your mind. He could see it was untidy. He referenced that and pointed out it wasn't a problem for him.

What would you had rather he'd done? Said nothing leaving you wondering what he thought? Pretended it was tidy when it wasn't?

In future, if you tell a man you don't want him to come back - stick to it.

You might have enjoyed it but you have also shown him that you can be easily swayed and aren't 'strong' of character.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 18/05/2024 12:49

I don't think it's that unusual for 33 year olds to still live with parents nowadays. Personally I would take his comment as reassuring you that he's not bothered about the flat not being as tidy as you would have liked.

Catsmere · 18/05/2024 12:50

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2024 12:46

Just sounds like he was trying to reassure you about things. I mean maybe he thought you might be worrying still about what he thought of the mess.

I AM going to say something judgey though- you brought this man back to your kids home after a few dates? That's very risky. As a single mum too, beware men can be predators. And with him living at home, my worry would be that these fun nights would always have to be at yours and that, may lead to you introducing the children to him far too soon just because it feels convenient.

Also, if they say they live with parents, I'd try confirm this ASAP. Probably before shagging.
Do a good bit of social media searching, check there isn't a wife.

Yes, these are the things that caught my attention, not his fairly innocuous comment.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 18/05/2024 12:54

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 18/05/2024 12:49

I don't think it's that unusual for 33 year olds to still live with parents nowadays. Personally I would take his comment as reassuring you that he's not bothered about the flat not being as tidy as you would have liked.

It might depend where you are in the country. I work with a lot of people in this age group and not one of them lives with their parents. So yeah, I would probably judge a 33 year old who did.

Reugny · 18/05/2024 12:54

Also, if they say they live with parents, I'd try confirm this ASAP. Probably before shagging.
Do a good bit of social media searching, check there isn't a wife.

While it's normal for single adults to live with parents or older relatives at the moment - I know much older adults who do - definitely check this is truthfully the situation.

Also if he does live with his parents it doesn't mean it should always default to you going back to yours. It depends on the size and layout of their house and/or whether you are considered a long term girlfriend.

MidnightMeltdown · 18/05/2024 12:58

I don't think that he meant anything bad by the comment. I'd be more concerned that he didn't take your initial 'no' for an answer when he asked to come back

That would be a total deal breaker for me.

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 13:00

PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:36

He didn't pressure me for sex at all 😧I was really glad of it and we had a lovely night... It's been a while for me so ...😅

You said you didn’t want him to come back to your flat and gave a reason.

MidnightMeltdown · 18/05/2024 13:00

LightSpeeds · 18/05/2024 12:42

"He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS!"

So probably has no idea about the responsibility and work needed to keep your OWN place up together. 🙄

Yes, this too. I'm in my 30s and there's not a chance in hell that I would date a man who still lived with his parents.

Reugny · 18/05/2024 13:00

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 18/05/2024 12:54

It might depend where you are in the country. I work with a lot of people in this age group and not one of them lives with their parents. So yeah, I would probably judge a 33 year old who did.

Show quote history

I live in London.

Lots of single adults in the London and the SE live with parents or an older relative. Some of those adults I know are much older than 33.

It doesn't mean they have not ever lived alone/with a partner or rented/owned property.
Thanks to the cost of housing, shortage of rental properties and standard of some rental properties it makes financial sense for them to live that way.