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Original poster

To stop seeing him for this comment...

110 replies

PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:29

Met a guy OLD. He comes across really genuine and we've had a few dates and things have been going well.

Last date was a meal and drinks, and then things were hotting up so he suggested we go back to my flat. I said absolutely no way - as my flat wasn't prepared for a guest and I like to make it pristine for visitors etc. I hadn't expected the date to turn that way.

Anyway, he said he didn't mind / wouldn't judge so we went back to mine. Spent the night together and had a lovely time, and I actually couldn't get rid of him the next morning as he wanted to stay longer.

Now here comes the comment - we were cuddling on the sofa, eating breakfast, he started to say I was beautiful etc, and then went '...could your flat be tidier? Maybe! But it's fine! It doesn't matter' and carried on talking about how beautiful he thinks I am.

This does not sit well with me. I told him initially I didn't want him to come back to my flat as I hadn't tidied it up to 'guest' level. Also, my flat wasn't filthy / unclean / untidy. It just also wasn't pristine ie there was laundry waiting to be folded in the living room and my kids toys on the floor.

I have to also add to this - I am a single mum who works three jobs with no support. He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS! And he made a comment that my flat could be tidier!!!

I genuinely don't know how he had the audacity to make that comment, and it's making me question whether or not to see him again. I am aware he could have awkwardly been trying to compliment me and it came off wrong. He does seem like a nice person.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Lemsipper · 18/05/2024 20:57

Hadjab · 18/05/2024 20:04

She’s three jobs - how much more focussing do you think she can do? 🙄

Show quote history

If you’re working 3 jobs and have kids you don’t have time to date surely…when exactly are you being a parent? So yes she should focus on her children not dating man babies. Only date men who could provide or improve her situation, not someone who cant even provide for themselves.

Crepester · 18/05/2024 21:09

Only date men who could provide or improve her situation, not someone who cant even provide for themselves

I don’t think you can assume someone can’t provide for themselves bedside they’re living with parents. I know a range of professionals with at least average income who live with their parents.

And if you have kids they are yours and their father’s responsibility. You shouldn’t be looking to a random man to provide although they of course shouldn’t be a cocklodger who doesn’t pay their way or leaves you worse off financially.

A child free man living at home - assuming he works full time - is likely to have more disposable income than a single mother, if anything he could see OP as someone who doesn’t improve his situation and then where does it end?

Maybe they like each for who they are rather than for what each can provide, baggage and living situations aside.

Lemsipper · 18/05/2024 22:52

Okay @Crepester I just find it odd to have 3 jobs and kids and then find time to date. Surely the very small amount of time you have after your 3 jobs you focus on your kids. But anyway, that wasn’t the question.

HelloJillll · 19/05/2024 17:20

Southern68 · 18/05/2024 15:54

I don't see a problem either way. It's not unusual to be starting over and living with parents nowadays. It doesn't make him a pariah does it.

Show quote history

It’s doesn’t but it was a basic requirement for me to have someone on a similar level. Having their own place was a deal breaker.

Southern68 · 19/05/2024 17:22

That's your personal set of requirements though isn't it, it's not the ops, and as I said, it doesn't make the guy a pariah.

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/05/2024 17:29

Sounds like he only mentioned it because you had the night before. It was meant to be a humerous callback to your comment, he was probably trying to show that he didn't care, and out you at ease.

Orangeandgold · 19/05/2024 17:31

Weren’t you the one that said your flat wasn’t tidy?

If it’s true why are you offended?

Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree · 19/05/2024 17:32

was his name Dan by any chance? 😂👏

cultjarteriaky · 19/05/2024 17:34

You based your decisions on his opinion and demonstrate your lose boundaries
Also you'd decided to date a 33 year old who lives with his parents
I'd be looking in the mirror instead of looking for sympathy on MN - just saying!

dragonscannotswim · 19/05/2024 18:02

I'd be more fussed that he still lives with Mummy and daddy at 33...

C1N1C · 19/05/2024 18:22

A comment on the 33 living with family bit.

I think with house prices these days, this is going to be way more common. If he's doing a higher degree, say a PhD, there isn't time to work, so it seems sensible.

The only time I'd question it is if he was in a reasonably well-paid job, had left college/uni young, say early 20s, and hadn't saved any money. If he's been working the past ten years AND was living at home AND hadn't saved up anything within that time, he's a useless bum.

FizzyStream · 19/05/2024 18:45

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 18/05/2024 12:38

Absolutely nothing in this. And as for his age and living at home it’s not uncommon in the current financial climate - jeez!

Agree.

renthead · 19/05/2024 18:47

It sounds like the comment was actually trying to reassure you. If you hadn't brought up the tidiness issue, I doubt he would have mentioned it.

As for living with his parents at 33, maybe he gets on well with them and is saving for a deposit? Sounds fine to me.

HelloJillll · 19/05/2024 20:41

Southern68 · 19/05/2024 17:22

That's your personal set of requirements though isn't it, it's not the ops, and as I said, it doesn't make the guy a pariah.

it should be. Too many women on here have gutter low standards.

Tarantella6 · 19/05/2024 20:42

He was trying to reassure you, I think you have taken it the wrong way

Notamum12345577 · 19/05/2024 20:43

PinkCardigan93 · 18/05/2024 12:29

Met a guy OLD. He comes across really genuine and we've had a few dates and things have been going well.

Last date was a meal and drinks, and then things were hotting up so he suggested we go back to my flat. I said absolutely no way - as my flat wasn't prepared for a guest and I like to make it pristine for visitors etc. I hadn't expected the date to turn that way.

Anyway, he said he didn't mind / wouldn't judge so we went back to mine. Spent the night together and had a lovely time, and I actually couldn't get rid of him the next morning as he wanted to stay longer.

Now here comes the comment - we were cuddling on the sofa, eating breakfast, he started to say I was beautiful etc, and then went '...could your flat be tidier? Maybe! But it's fine! It doesn't matter' and carried on talking about how beautiful he thinks I am.

This does not sit well with me. I told him initially I didn't want him to come back to my flat as I hadn't tidied it up to 'guest' level. Also, my flat wasn't filthy / unclean / untidy. It just also wasn't pristine ie there was laundry waiting to be folded in the living room and my kids toys on the floor.

I have to also add to this - I am a single mum who works three jobs with no support. He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS! And he made a comment that my flat could be tidier!!!

I genuinely don't know how he had the audacity to make that comment, and it's making me question whether or not to see him again. I am aware he could have awkwardly been trying to compliment me and it came off wrong. He does seem like a nice person.

What are your thoughts?

Maybe he made it as a bit of a joke because of you telling in it wasn’t pristine and up to visitor level?

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 19/05/2024 20:46

Negging you. Realised you were sensitive about it and took advantage. If it was 'fine' he didn't need to say anything at all. If you carry on seeing him, there will be escalating comments trying to undermine you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2024 20:55

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · Yesterday 12:36
33 and living with ma and pa...run for the hills! Either he's dependent on them for cheap board and being looked after or they're dependent on him for company and heing able to play the martyr. Either way, he's no catch.”

You clearly don’t live in a desirable part of the country. 1/3 of under 35s still live “at home”.

Our youngest is 21, just finished university. Works, pays rent to us and a proportion of the utility bills, happy to do so, Has just bought/taxed/insured his first car, which will be essential in his first professional role. No way on earth could he afford a mortgage or a one bedrooms flat (£950 plus per month where we live, in a “cheap” northern area).
He's a delightful person. He will in no way, shape or form be dependent on us if he is still here at 33. It will be circumstance.

It’s far more common now than you think.

JJathome · 19/05/2024 21:01

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2024 20:55

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · Yesterday 12:36
33 and living with ma and pa...run for the hills! Either he's dependent on them for cheap board and being looked after or they're dependent on him for company and heing able to play the martyr. Either way, he's no catch.”

You clearly don’t live in a desirable part of the country. 1/3 of under 35s still live “at home”.

Our youngest is 21, just finished university. Works, pays rent to us and a proportion of the utility bills, happy to do so, Has just bought/taxed/insured his first car, which will be essential in his first professional role. No way on earth could he afford a mortgage or a one bedrooms flat (£950 plus per month where we live, in a “cheap” northern area).
He's a delightful person. He will in no way, shape or form be dependent on us if he is still here at 33. It will be circumstance.

It’s far more common now than you think.

Surely if he’s still,there at 33 he’s dependent. Dependent on you providing a home as he can’t home himself?

Dadjoke007 · 19/05/2024 22:11

MidnightMeltdown · 18/05/2024 13:00

Yes, this too. I'm in my 30s and there's not a chance in hell that I would date a man who still lived with his parents.

Show quote history

Why? Ok, I was only 27 at the time but due to a breakup I needed to live back with my parents for 3 months while I got myself sorted.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 19/05/2024 22:20

Dadjoke007 · 19/05/2024 22:11

Why? Ok, I was only 27 at the time but due to a breakup I needed to live back with my parents for 3 months while I got myself sorted.

Show quote history

As did I under the same circs (same age as the bloke in this scenario). Moved in with DM (who had plenty of room) while I looked for a flat to buy. And she didn't do my laundry or cook my din dins (as another poster sneeringly commented about OP's shag).

Southern68 · 19/05/2024 22:29

HelloJillll · 19/05/2024 20:41

it should be. Too many women on here have gutter low standards.

Show quote history

Judgemental much, what a spiteful comment!

electricstreams · 19/05/2024 22:36

I agree with pps in that there's nothing wrong with living with parents or whatever situation works best for your finances.

Some of my best financial decisions made me look like a bit of a saddo. You do you and whatever works for your life and bank balance.

Also agree though the comment and situation did seem a bit off/ick?

He'd suggested he come over (invited himself) into your personal space, then the comment seemed to be quite...entitled and judgy are the best words?

Like subtle negging, picking up on what he thought were insecurities. If I say "sorry I look a mess" (overall I'm very body confident") I don't expect "I don't mind that you don't look super feminine".

Maybe it was foot-in-mouth syndrome.

But I'd watch for cocklodger/cocklodger lite syndrome.

Someone is hosting you, when you can't provide it yourself...you don't act like you're observing and assessing their place, you act grateful af.

Leave on time, quietly tidy up/help out if there's something obvious.

It's their personal space, you're not doing them a favour by inviting yourself and your sacred penis in.

I've dated guys who can't host for various reasons (not married!)..they find and organise a hotel if they want private time.

retinolalcohol · 19/05/2024 22:58

I can't believe there are people here that are so judgy about him living at home in the current climate tbh!

I live with family - not much younger than him. I have a degree, good job, hobbies, social life, am told I'm attractive/funny, pretty decent person. Just don't want to throw all my money away on rent, can't afford a mortgage on my own and my family are happy to have me.

Am I somehow a loser? Should my partner (in his 30's and has his own place) have 'ran for the hills' instead of being with me? 

OP I'd say he was probably trying to reassure you, and you're being sensitive. Had he mentioned it with no prompting, sure it'd be a dickish comment.. but you were the one who brought it up.

Also saying 'don't worry about mess' isn't akin to pressuring someone for sex at all! Some PPs are trying to paint him as a monster when it's actually equally likely that he just made a clumsy comment. You should've held your boundary though, definitely

JJathome · 20/05/2024 08:39

retinolalcohol · 19/05/2024 22:58

I can't believe there are people here that are so judgy about him living at home in the current climate tbh!

I live with family - not much younger than him. I have a degree, good job, hobbies, social life, am told I'm attractive/funny, pretty decent person. Just don't want to throw all my money away on rent, can't afford a mortgage on my own and my family are happy to have me.

Am I somehow a loser? Should my partner (in his 30's and has his own place) have 'ran for the hills' instead of being with me? 

OP I'd say he was probably trying to reassure you, and you're being sensitive. Had he mentioned it with no prompting, sure it'd be a dickish comment.. but you were the one who brought it up.

Also saying 'don't worry about mess' isn't akin to pressuring someone for sex at all! Some PPs are trying to paint him as a monster when it's actually equally likely that he just made a clumsy comment. You should've held your boundary though, definitely

hes 33 and the current climate has not been in place for the last 15 years.