To stop seeing him for this comment...

[PinkCardigan93]

Met a guy OLD. He comes across really genuine and we've had a few dates and things have been going well.

Last date was a meal and drinks, and then things were hotting up so he suggested we go back to my flat. I said absolutely no way - as my flat wasn't prepared for a guest and I like to make it pristine for visitors etc. I hadn't expected the date to turn that way.

Anyway, he said he didn't mind / wouldn't judge so we went back to mine. Spent the night together and had a lovely time, and I actually couldn't get rid of him the next morning as he wanted to stay longer.

Now here comes the comment - we were cuddling on the sofa, eating breakfast, he started to say I was beautiful etc, and then went '...could your flat be tidier? Maybe! But it's fine! It doesn't matter' and carried on talking about how beautiful he thinks I am.

This does not sit well with me. I told him initially I didn't want him to come back to my flat as I hadn't tidied it up to 'guest' level. Also, my flat wasn't filthy / unclean / untidy. It just also wasn't pristine ie there was laundry waiting to be folded in the living room and my kids toys on the floor.

I have to also add to this - I am a single mum who works three jobs with no support. He is 33 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS! And he made a comment that my flat could be tidier!!!

I genuinely don't know how he had the audacity to make that comment, and it's making me question whether or not to see him again. I am aware he could have awkwardly been trying to compliment me and it came off wrong. He does seem like a nice person.

What are your thoughts?

I don't see a problem either way. It's not unusual to be starting over and living with parents nowadays. It doesn't make him a pariah does it.

If he is dusting himself down and starting over after a failed relationship then fair enough and that is very different to someone who's never moved out and lived independently. I'm fearing the latter situation for the op!

Let it go.

It was just a clumsy comment and it was meant to be a good thing.

It sounds like everything else is good apart from that one comment and so try and ignore it and focus on the fun you had.

I do understand what you mean though - one guy told me that he really liked coming to mine because it’s a home that’s lived in and he can’t stand ones that look like show homes all of the time - it was meant to be a compliment but it did sting I’m not going to lie.

I'd think it was a jokey reference to the conversation we'd had about the flat the night before, and no I certainly wouldn't not see him again over that if everything else was as good as you described.

exactly this

The way you've written it comes across as him trying to make a joke.

Dear god where do you all live where a 33 year old can always afford to move out? My youngest son is almost 30 and despite working for the nhs he has absolutely no hope of even renting a place where we live - and no, we're not in the SE.

Back to the original post, I would give hi m the benefit of the doubt if you like him, perhaps it's a light pink flag if anything but not a red one for sure!

I hardly see this man as sone sex pest.

I assume getting on well, can I don't beck to yours? No it's untidy. Oh i don't care -fine let's go.
Mike an it's a wishy washy excuse in first place to say no (over "too soon" and sounded like she wanted to anyway just didn't want to seem eager.

And him slinking off as soon as woken up after a first shag would look shady if he did that. But it's fine for her to want him to just * off as soon as awake!

I think he was trying to say -‘you should not have worried about your flat’
Ir just came out wrong.
And i think you are a bit overreacting.

This is what stood out to me too - you said you didn't want him to come back but he didn't accept that answer. That's a red flag IMO.

Trust your gut instinct. It's there to protect you from cheeky fuckers.

He sounds pushy and I'd bet very much a potential cock-lodger. We're all aware of the cost of living crisis but 33 and living with parents, not good. He'll be looking to make a move into your flat and will then proceed to make many more cheeky comments once he's got his feet under the table. Not a catch. If you do continue with it, be on your guard for more cf comments.
Not saying he is one, but narcs start by pushing little boundaries here and there and seeing what they can get away with.

@mumtoadhdadult

I'm in my 30s, grew up in the SE and left home at 18. I lived all over the country before settling down and buying a house somewhere that I could afford. I'm sorry but there is no excuse for a grown man in his 30s to be living at home with mum and dad. From what I've seen, it's almost always men who do this too. I think they get too used to mummy running around doing things for them

It might have been a bad attempt at a joke/ banter if you had expressed concern about him seeing the state of your flat before he came over. He may have been trying to laugh with you rather than put you down. It definitely wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, that said I wouldn’t completely forget it either. I’d give him another chance but would definitely be looking out for any other warning signs.

First of all good on ya girl lol second of all I think because you mentioned it he maybe wanted to rib you a little bit, maybe that's his way of flirty banter I wouldn't take it too much to heart

"Thank you Stacey Solomon, I'm honoured to have your seal of approval. How much housework do you?"

Is what I would have wanted to respond

Now here comes the comment - we were cuddling on the sofa, eating breakfast, he started to say I was beautiful etc, and then went '...could your flat be tidier? Maybe! But it's fine! It doesn't matter' and carried on talking about how beautiful he thinks I am.

Are you sure he wasn't making a joke? It's fine if it was a joke.
What did you say after?

I would personally watch those type of comments carefully having just come out of a short relationship where it escalated to full on controlling type behaviour quite quickly. I have to do this due to past abuse, and you seem to be doing the same, which is really good imho. Agree with pps, trust your instincts which are questioning it. Could have been joky but also could have been the start of put downs like a little insidious drip feed, (latching on to things that concern you such as untidiness and making an issue of it) and not wanting to leave sounds clingy. Those two types of behaviour can go together. Keep observing. If you notice any more of those bin it, is my advice fwiw. It's taken me years to even notice the red flags so I pat myself on the back every day but I do pop on here to ask occasionally too since I found it a few months ago!

However living at home at 33 wouldn't phase me. My son is in his twenties and still lives at home! Has a good stable job and relationship etc.

Your drama is yours but one thing i dont get on MN.

A grown man still living at home is disgusting and wrong its a red flag etc etc.
A grown woman still living at home its fine nothing wrong with it nothing said.

Not long ago i read a thread that a 42 year woman was still living at home because she could not afford to move out.
She was happy staying at home as she didnt have to worry so much.
MN backed her up but a man doing it is just icky tacky a deal breaker etc. So many two faced people.

I think he was agreeing with you that it's a mess but was trying to reassure you, and it's come out wrong.

You've got DC's, he doesn't and lives with his parents - briefly after a long relationship has ended, maybe, just OK.
But you are at different life stages. I think that's a bigger reason not to pursue it than what he said.

I’d have wondered why the heck he thought about how tidy or not my flat is in the middle of giving me compliment etc….
And I would taken the first sentence as a judgement. Quickly followed by trying to smooth over it and say it didn’t matter etc….

If it had been part if a conversation, I’d have had a different reaction. Even though as a 33yo who still has mummy tidying up for him, I’d be 🤨🤨🤨

He was just making a joke because you had made a big deal about your flat not being guest-ready.

She’s three jobs - how much more focussing do you think she can do? 🙄

Honestly, I'd let that comment go.

Bin the man child who still lives with his parents and then has the fucking audacity to comment about a flat's tidiness.

I bet mummy still does his laundry and cooks his din dins too