Heartbreak at 7 and a half months pregnant- handhold

[heavytohold]

Hi all. As the title says really. I am in pieces.
My partner, who I love more than I can begin to explain, decided that he no longer wants to be with me. I am 7 and a half months pregnant with his son and we have just moved into our dream home.
I am completely blindsided- everything seemed perfect. We were making plans, he told me he was so happy I was the mother of his child, being with me was his favourite thing, talking about our little family. A couple of weeks ago he completely shut down, stopped talking to me, got snappy and hard to be around. I assumed it was another bout of depression as he's prone to this and did all I could to pull him out of it and make things right again. The silence and lack of interest and communication was eating me up inside. Eventually I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship. He said he did, he wanted his easy life back, that was his coping mechanism and he couldn't make himself feel something for me that wasn't there.
I don't even know how to progress from here. I feel so stupid. He fought to bring my back into his life the first time after I put my shattered self esteem back together and he promised me things were different. Now i just feel like none of it was true, I can't help but feel I'm the problem- I'm not good enough or pretty enough. My self worth has taken another battering and I don't know if it will come back from this one. I am humiliated, I feel disgusting.
He told me he doesn't want to lose me as his best friend. I don't know if I can put myself through the torture of watching the man I love, who's son I am carrying, move on with his life. The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick.
He has told me he will continue to pay for his share of the rent and bills so I have somewhere to live. I have no support system here, I have no friends, my family won't take me back, I have no transport and no choice but to stay here. I told him I can't face being alone in this house that was so filled with hope for the rest of my pregnancy. He said he understands and he will stay until I'm ready. He went out last night, he's going out again tonight and my thoughts are echoing around this empty house that was meant to be our family home. I feel guilty whenever I feel our son kick because he doesn't deserve any of this. He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby. I don't know how.
Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known, I can't picture my future without him in it and I know he will be an amazing father to our son.
He's happy already, after weeks of sadness he's happy now he's free to pursue the life he wants and I am in more pain than I can even begin to describe. Please someone tell me this will get better.

I'm so sorry, that sounds so hard.

Firstly though.....he is not your best friend, you wouldnt treat a friend like this let alone someone you are in a partnership with. And you cannot be his best friend otherwise he gets it all, to go out and live a single life, with you loyally waiting for him.

I'm guessing your family don't like him then? with good reason I suspect.

Honestly, kick him out or if you can do it, move out yourself so you have time to settle before the baby is born. He is not a good man, he is not a good partner and he is not a friend. Sounds like he has done this before and if he changes his mind, just know he will do it again.

It WILL get better, and you and your gorgeous baby will be fine.

side from this he is the best person I've ever known- then you need to raise your bar because he is not a good person at all.

I'm not sure I have any good advice,but couldn't not answer.
You have to put you and your son first,you are your number one priority,he is not a good man,he's already putting his wants above his child's needs,his son needs a healthy mum and he's shattered that.
Get all your financial in order as soon as you are able so that you are not dependant on this scum.No matter how nice he is being,put in claim with cms so it's all in writing.
Work out what is best for you and your son,that may include moving to where you can access more support as you cannot rely on this man.
Take care.

OP this man is manipulating. Your life won’t get better as long as you allow him to control and gaslight you.
Is the house in joint names or just his? You need financial stability away from him, so you aren’t beholden to his flights of fantasy.
Speak to your midwife & get some financial advice so you are not relying on him.
Stop being so placid. You have the right to be angry he’s deceived you & will continue to do so if you let him.

You brroke up with him before because he is not a good person and he lured you back in order to get you pregnant and keep you tied down He is manipulative and selfish—not a good person at all. Unwittingly you have entered the cycle of domestic abuse: love and promises—control—lashing out/abuse—apologies and brief honeymoon period—followed by increasing control and abuse again.

Take a deep breath: is there anyone you can call for help? What is your financial situation? Will your family really not take you back or is that just something he has convinced you of to strengthen the idea that you are in a great love affair?

If I were your parents I would want you to call and I would come get you. This is a horrible situation and now that he has shown his hand he will continue to go his limit with you.

Thank you for all the replies so far, I already feel slightly less isolated having written it all out.
I do feel that I need to say that he has no abusive tendencies at all that I've ever seen and I've known him for 7 years so unless I am truly blind and that far gone...
My family have said they can't have me back, they live in Yorkshire and are planning a downsize and have made it clear they have no interest in bringing a newborn into their retirement dreams which I understand. I've moved to Liverpool, which albeit not far away is a distance without a car so I don't even feel able to travel to them for breaks from this situation when I need and prior to this move Liverpool was a completely alien place. I'm not even sure where the nearest shops are. I have no siblings.
If you had asked me how I saw myself having my first child or where I saw my life at 25 this would not have been it. It would have been so far from this.
I'm unemployed at the moment after leaving my previous job, he works a well paid corporate job and said he'd take care of me and the baby financially so not to worry about finding anything else. Now I'm not sure if I can rely on that.
I don't see a way out of any of this anymore. I know I need to put my feelings to one side and focus on the pragmatic stuff like people have said and I really will but I just want to stop waking up.

OP, just wanted to stand in solidarity with you as something similar has happened to me at the beginning of my pregnancy & I am 8 months pregnant now.

At first, I thought my world would end and the pain and anguish of heartbreak would consume me. However, after a few weeks/months it does get better. The cliche saying 'time heals' is actually true, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

I wouldn't let this man ruin the rest of your pregnancy. If you need to cry, then let it out. Don't feel sorry for your son, because he will have you as a loving mother & that's all he needs!

Please reach out to people IRL if you have them, as this really helped me.

Enjoy your baby, and I wish you the best x

What's your financial situation OP? Are you working?

He's stitched you up properly hasn't he.
Firstly - he's not a good person and you can't rely on him.
Your priority now is yourself and your baby. Is the Liverpool house rented or owned?
If owned, I would looking into when you can start claiming CSA. If rented then I would look at moving back to be nearer your parents.
You can't move in with them but maybe look at renting and getting back to work after you've had your baby.
Sorry you find yourself in this position so late in your pregnancy.

What a fucking bastard.

Speak to your parents. I know you say they can’t take you back and a newborn doesn’t fit with their retirement plans, but most parents would find a way to adapt those plans to support their daughter in a situation like this. Don’t go down the route of being a martyr just because you don’t want to disrupt their plans - give them a chance to step up! Is your relationship with them good?

Kick him out and claim Universal Credit. You need him gone, and he is only supporting you because he has his cake and is eating it. Then apply for maintenance for yourself and the baby when it is born. What a smug, manipulative unkind man he is. Get him out of your life, you deserve better. He has to leave the house so that you can start moving on, if he stays you will be stuck in the cycle of misery. This isn’t about you, it is about him. It’s the kind of person he is. Get him gone.

This was all planned by him, he is not a good person. I’m sorry you’re going through this, life isn’t going to get better if you stay, you need to leave.

After a while he will stop bothering with his son too, so be prepared to raise the baby alone.

You thought he would be a good husband so you don't know he will be an amazing father.

What if he just decides he doesn't want to be a dad.

Twat!!

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is abusive, he's isolated you, made me financially reliant on him and then left you. That isn't the work of a nice person.

Have you actually spoken to your parents about this? I would be driving immediately to pick you up if you were my daughter and enveloping you with love and security. If it is HIM making you think these things then he is manipulating you to isolate you.

You will get through this I promise.

I'm speechless. What a cruel, terrible thing to do to you.

I haven't got much advice, other than to kick him out. Claim benefits as a single mother. Ask your midwife to put you in touch with the health visitor who will care for you after your baby is born. She'll be able to tell you about baby groups etc, so at least you'll have some friends with newborn babies.

He wants his cake and eat it. He is hoping to go off , get laid and have you at home waiting for him with his family he's helped create. Then he can step back in and play Daddy whenever he feels like it and then step out again when it gets too much and youl have to accept it coz he's told you this isn't what he wants !!!

Then youl be home holding the baby again waiting for him to return and around it goes .

You need to take the control back from him and start making him see you're better than this. You're worth more and so is your Son.

Don't accept the crumbs he wants to give you.

Do you have friends where you moved from? While your parents may want to downsize, wouldn't it be better to move back where you have a social network? Would you be able to move back in with them temporarily and apply for social housing? (I know it's in short supply, but you should be fairly high priority once the baby arrives, if your parents are overcrowded or ask you to leave).

He's really fucked you over, I'm sorry.

He's is a horrible person OP

I've been with them myself

Better you're out of it before the baby is here, because when they come it's going to be hard going

Can you stay with your mum or something for some help?

Honestly OP, your parents sound mean. Parenting is for life. Not just for 18 years. Are they nasty people who just pretend to be nice? You are in turmoil and they aren't helping you.

Frankly, if I was in their position and downsizing, I'd be giving you some cash for a deposit for a small place for you and your baby near to where they live.

I would ask them for some serious financial and emotional help.

Logically I know that you're all right- that it's very much a best of both worlds situation for him and myself and my son are collateral damage in him creating this life for himself. It hurts me because I simply cannot switch off the way I feel about him. I know it must seem pathetic from the outside looking in and so much of me wants to be able to just take this advice and be the strongest person and scream that I deserve to be treated better. But sadly I just don't feel like I do anymore, if this keeps happening to me then surely somewhere down the line I deserve it.
My son, however, deserves none of this and he is the sole thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I shower, eat, sleep and move because I want to keep him healthy. Everything I'm doing is with a view to get him the best out of this horrible situation.
You're all absolutely right though, now is a time for action. I can grieve the life I thought I would have along the way but my feelings need to be on the back burner now. I cannot become someone he is able to pick up and put down at leisure whenever he wants to. I have to show my child a better way than this.

R.e. Friends back home- I have one close friend, things seem to have drifted between us but I know she will support me emotionally if it comes to it.
And r.e. My parents they will absolutely not offer financial support- they view this as a lesson and believe I need to get myself out of it and not just rely on them for help. This has come from them directly. It's not out of cruelty and they've made it clear they will support me in other ways but that doesn't involve helping me get back on my feet.
I have sent an email to my midwife. My next plan is to go to citizens advice to discuss options and where to go next.

Thank you again everyone for your replies. It's nice to not feel so desperately alone

Get it out of your head he's the "best person". No decent man or father would leave their family to shag other women. He's absolutely vile.

Op, you need to leave this man properly. And work out how you're going to manage on your own.

The thing you have done wrong is to stay with, and have a baby with, someone who you know already is a player. You thought you'd be the one to tame him, when really, his behaviour will be down to deep- seated past issues from childhood. No one person will ever fix him by showing him love, I'm sure lots of women prior to you also thought this, but ended up being the next fling. Only possibility for him to change would be years of therapy.
Simple as that really, there is nothing you can do about him, but you can make a life for you and your DS. Remember in the future, that it is nigh on impossible to change an adults behaviour, as its formed from childhood experiences. So don't be with someone who is wrong from the start.
You do need to address not having friends or support. There should be opportunity to meet people via antenatal classes and mother and baby groups to address this. A common factor of why women put up with awful partners is not having friends and feeling lonely.

Thank you so much for your message and I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
It's incredible what an isolating experience it is. Thank you for sharing yours and I'm so glad things are starting to look up for you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman and the absolute best of luck to you xxx

Sorry Op he's not wonderful in any other way. Why do all these posts read this way.
Time to do as he is doing. And think of number one!! And your baby!