Heartbreak at 7 and a half months pregnant- handhold

[heavytohold]

Hi all. As the title says really. I am in pieces.
My partner, who I love more than I can begin to explain, decided that he no longer wants to be with me. I am 7 and a half months pregnant with his son and we have just moved into our dream home.
I am completely blindsided- everything seemed perfect. We were making plans, he told me he was so happy I was the mother of his child, being with me was his favourite thing, talking about our little family. A couple of weeks ago he completely shut down, stopped talking to me, got snappy and hard to be around. I assumed it was another bout of depression as he's prone to this and did all I could to pull him out of it and make things right again. The silence and lack of interest and communication was eating me up inside. Eventually I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship. He said he did, he wanted his easy life back, that was his coping mechanism and he couldn't make himself feel something for me that wasn't there.
I don't even know how to progress from here. I feel so stupid. He fought to bring my back into his life the first time after I put my shattered self esteem back together and he promised me things were different. Now i just feel like none of it was true, I can't help but feel I'm the problem- I'm not good enough or pretty enough. My self worth has taken another battering and I don't know if it will come back from this one. I am humiliated, I feel disgusting.
He told me he doesn't want to lose me as his best friend. I don't know if I can put myself through the torture of watching the man I love, who's son I am carrying, move on with his life. The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick.
He has told me he will continue to pay for his share of the rent and bills so I have somewhere to live. I have no support system here, I have no friends, my family won't take me back, I have no transport and no choice but to stay here. I told him I can't face being alone in this house that was so filled with hope for the rest of my pregnancy. He said he understands and he will stay until I'm ready. He went out last night, he's going out again tonight and my thoughts are echoing around this empty house that was meant to be our family home. I feel guilty whenever I feel our son kick because he doesn't deserve any of this. He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby. I don't know how.
Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known, I can't picture my future without him in it and I know he will be an amazing father to our son.
He's happy already, after weeks of sadness he's happy now he's free to pursue the life he wants and I am in more pain than I can even begin to describe. Please someone tell me this will get better.

This is an awful situation to be in. I'm so sorry that some posters have felt the need to put the boot in.

Make sure you aren't cooking for him, eating together, doing his washing etc. when he's been such a dick. Even while you live together you need to properly separate. But as others have said, the sooner you can get out the better.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Frankly, he sounds like an abusive man. Dropping that awful news on you and then advising you not to cry is beyond cruel.

But let’s focus on you. You sound extremely vulnerable and people will absolutely want to support you. Let them. And reach out for help too. If you lived in my local community I’d definitely want to assist. Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time anyway. Tell your midwife, family, friends, neighbours and anyone else you can think of. You might be surprised where you find help.

Wow. So sorry to hear this but truly you're not losing anything that's worth having.

To do this to your partner, pregnant, is utterly thoughtless and selfish. Not the actions of a doting husband, or dad.

Have a think about where you'd like to live and have support. If that's in Yorkshire, he'll need to pay to support his child.

Get your ducks in a row, find out as much as you can about any joint accounts, property or assets. Keep copies of anything you find.

You need to try to forget about him and focus on building a home for your child and a support network for you. There's lots of local new mums groups, with women who will support you.

What horribly cruel behaviour. Take how you're feeling, remember it/bottle it and never let your guard down around him again. I would put him out of your mind until you're at least 6 weeks post partum and fully recovered. Talk to your MW about support, and even if your parents can't/won't help, are there any other family members who can?

I think you need to be well away from him, sorry. His control over your life has ended.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't believe this person is a good man. In fact he sounds very manipulative and narcissistic.

I echo everyone's thoughts and advice here and would add - when you feel ready, but soon, consider approaching a lawyer to make sure you're protecting yourself and own rights. Manipulative people can turn very quickly, and it's best to be prepared.

Sending all love and hope for a happier future to you, you clearly deserve it all xxx

Op just some practical advice

Go on entitled to . com and see how much you can claim in benefits if you live alone with you baby

Also go on gov.uk and see how much child maintenance you can claim.

If I were you I’d get my own place near to my parents and try to build a support network there. You can go back to work once you’re ready and get free childcare. Try to meet other mums at playgroups etc.

You can get back on your feet without this sorry excuse of a man. He wants an easy life, I very much doubt he’ll make a good father then.

Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known

Raise the bar lady. This is not a good person.
He’s a scumbag who wants the best of both worlds.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, take all the help you can get to avoid having to rely on him, go through CMS and get everything you deserve. He’s a pig OP, he’s NOT a good person at all 💐

In what way is he possibly the best man you have ever met?

A real man is faithful to the person he loves. He is supportive. He works hard in whatever ways he can to ensure that his family is safe and well and provided for.

What he doesn't do is stick his dick in a load of people, manipulate someone very young into getting pregnant, take her away from her family and support system, get mardy because now he isn't meant to be sticking his dick in every woman he meets on a night out, then destroy everything so he has that chance, and then tell the person who he has made sad that they are not allowed to be sad because it's not good for the baby.

What's actually not good for the baby is having an immature would-be gigolo for a father who has ruined its chance of a nuclear family before it's even born, because he wants to be allowed to shag about more than he wants to step up and be a decent partner and father.

Man is a total dickhead. First major test of character and he has failed completely. I find it disgusting that he is so feral that he thinks it's more important that he can screw around than that he support his partner and baby.

Chucking a few quid your way will no doubt make him believe he's father of the year, too. He's not even father of the millisecond.

Your parents response to this is disappointing, you shouldn't have to go through this alone. So tough to be now single, pregnant, your ex-partner is looking to sleep around and you're heartbroken and unemployed!

That guy is a serious piece of work to intentionally get you pregnant and discard you. You need to just be far away from it

Oh love, what an absolute rotten piece of shit he is. He's well and truly pulled the wool over your eyes if despite prioritising his penis over his family you still think he's the best man you've ever known.

Men like this are very rarely good fathers though so I do think you need to prepare yourself for another abrupt change in personality and quite possibly a disappearing act when baby arrives. You've had some good advice on this thread about what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.

I'm so sorry my love. Men like this are scum and not worth the air they breathe. You're so young, you've got a lot of future ahead of you, and even if it's not quite the one you planned, you can make it amazing for you and your son. Without dickhead.

Are you renting or own your home, whose name is it in? If it's in his name then the best thing you can do is leave, but you need to decide where to live. You'll qualify for benefits but will need a deposit, I would make an appointment with housing assistance where you want to live (current location or where you recently moved from) and tell them what has happened and you need to get out. They will advise the process

If you can muster the courage you need to ask him to go immediately. Tell him you'll be in touch via a solicitor to make arrangements for contact and maintenance. He needs to get a taste of how it's going to be. You don't need a man by your side to have your baby. Treat him with the contempt and disrespect he's giving you xx

I haven't read everything yet and sorry to hear what's happened BUT Liverpool is one of the friendliest places there is. There's loads going on for new mums costing anything from 0 to £££. (I was a new mum in Liverpool) and depending where you are the trip back to Yorkshire to visit is manageable on public transport. (Bus/train - I guarantee you'll have a million offers to help with the bag/pram) I went to uni in Yorkshire so know the trip well.
That said, if you think you would be better moving do it now. There's very little that would make me move with a newborn.

The bastard. I've been in a similar situation, pregnant and he fucked off. He then graciously came back to "support us" when the baby was born but was shagging around when baby was weeks old. Completely fine, according to him, as he and I weren't together and he was simply there to help me with our weeks old baby. He did finally leave and good bloody riddance.

I spent so long crying over this 'amazing, kind, gentle, loyal man'. Ha. What a waste of my time. It can be so hard to see them for what they are, OP. But listen to me, and the other women on this thread. This isn't a good man. He's a cunt of the highest order. You will be OK, it will take time, a good while, before you feel better. But you and your little one will thrive. This site is full of women who have been left in the depths of depair by men who have pissed off either during pregnancy, or when the baby has been months old. They thought their world had ended. They are now doing great

I am so sorry OP, I couldn’t read and run. Please don’t just accept as normal that your partner is like this, this is not normal and he is NOT a good man. Also, don’t justify your parents lack of care here either, you are in a crisis situation with a baby on the way, they literally need to step up here as parents and help you out. Once you have sorted yourself out, do not look back, focus on raising your son, don’t put his dad’s name on the birth certificate, grieve if you need to the loss of a relationship but this is not LOVE, by any stretch. You deserve so so much better xx

Ok so let's be practical now.

you say you've just moved into your dream home, but I understand it is rented.
how long have you actually lived in the property

who paid the deposit / is the rental agreement in both your names / how long is the initial tenancy

you need to be back in your home area,

tell him you want him to pay the deposit and at least the first month's rental on a new home for you and your baby
tell him you want / need driven to view properties in your home area, and that it is him that you expect to be driving you

if you don't ask you don't get !

Liverpool is a fantastic city, it is worth getting in touch with the council to talk about emergency accommodation and support services.

Hi OP, just wanted to say you are a strong capable woman and you're going to be a fantastic mother! He is a pathetic excuse for a man. It's really positive and proactive that you are going to Citizens Advice and please do talk to your midwife too, they are there to support you. Just take one day at a time and look after yourself. Minimise any contact with him if you can and as others have said, do not do any cooking, washing or clearing up after him. Take care of you and your baby to be 💐

I'm glad you are taking positive steps. It's very impressive OP honestly. I do wish your parents would help more. The fact that you are thinkonly of yourself and your son shows what a great mum you will be. I am wishing you all the best.

He can't put himself on the birth certificate. She'd have to request that and he would have to agree and go with her to register.

@heavytohold, please, whatever you do DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. You'll be giving him Parental Responsibility if you do, and he will be able to fight you on things like schools, vaccinations, holidays abroad, medical care; basically he will have the same rights as you. If he decides to keep your son after a visit I don't think anyone could help you. Just don't do it. Don't putbhim on the BC. He can still be a father and he'll still have to pay CMS, but legally, you'll have control over your child.

asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship.

he's a disgusting creepy twat. You and your baby deserve so much more!!

Don't feel guilty. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

This guy is an arse who does not love you.

OP, I would go back to Yorkshire where you know people, sweetheart. You can't rely on him to keep a roof over your head. It will be awful for you living there when he's there, and then when the baby comes. No no no. You need to be free of him - your own place and new friends to support you - a new life with your baby.

You sound lovely, honestly. Sometimes when we are in a turmoil like this, it is often the least likely people who will appear to help and make life better. Always look out for those people. I wish I could help you and I bet others reading your thread feel the same! Please keep your thread going and when you decide where you want to be, people can help find organisations to help you in the area.

He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby

Oh right, so you can't even have a normal human reaction?
Apparently you're just supposed to respond like a robot and have zero emotion while going through this, he on the other hand can do whatever he likes, his 'coping mechanism' is to go out and sleep around but you're not allowed to have a normal human response?

I'd be completely disgusted if this 'man' was my son. Is he your age or older? It is likely that he will try to throw you some breadcrumbs of hope here and there trying to make you hopeful he'll come back 😷Please, please do not trust him.

Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known, I can't picture my future without him in it and I know he will be an amazing father to our son.

He's a bastard. And the chances of him being an amazing father to your son are pretty much zero. It's one thing to end a relationship while your partner is pregnant because you're unhappy, it's another to instantly start acting like a single man and not give a shit about the effect on the pregnant woman and the unborn child. This man is scum. The lowest of the low.

I can really empathise with you because I went through an almost identical situation with my first child and her father when I was 21. He broke up with me half way through my pregnancy, wanted to stay friends, blah blah. I was naive and we did stay "friends" - which was actually more of a situationship where he lived with me and our daughter for 3 years. We were a couple but also not a couple, if that makes sense? Then I found out he had been sleeping around the entire 3 years. I kicked him out and ended everything between us.

And you know where I am now at 29? Married to an amazingly supportive man, who's a fantastic step dad to my daughter and we have had two children of our own together.

And my ex? He is actually a great dad to our daughter, that part is true. And it turns out we are better coparents/friends than we ever were as a couple.

Things work out in the end I promise, I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do because that's your choice to make. Do whatever feels right for you💜

OP, this man is the worst kind of abuser, because he successfully tricks you into thinking he is kind while he treats you like dirt.
I hope you can get away from him to wherever you can build a support network. You and your baby will be so much happier without this cruel manipulator in your lives. I’m hoping your parents stop acting so selfishly and give you the support you need.
Best wishes xx