Heartbreak at 7 and a half months pregnant- handhold

[heavytohold]

Hi all. As the title says really. I am in pieces.
My partner, who I love more than I can begin to explain, decided that he no longer wants to be with me. I am 7 and a half months pregnant with his son and we have just moved into our dream home.
I am completely blindsided- everything seemed perfect. We were making plans, he told me he was so happy I was the mother of his child, being with me was his favourite thing, talking about our little family. A couple of weeks ago he completely shut down, stopped talking to me, got snappy and hard to be around. I assumed it was another bout of depression as he's prone to this and did all I could to pull him out of it and make things right again. The silence and lack of interest and communication was eating me up inside. Eventually I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship. He said he did, he wanted his easy life back, that was his coping mechanism and he couldn't make himself feel something for me that wasn't there.
I don't even know how to progress from here. I feel so stupid. He fought to bring my back into his life the first time after I put my shattered self esteem back together and he promised me things were different. Now i just feel like none of it was true, I can't help but feel I'm the problem- I'm not good enough or pretty enough. My self worth has taken another battering and I don't know if it will come back from this one. I am humiliated, I feel disgusting.
He told me he doesn't want to lose me as his best friend. I don't know if I can put myself through the torture of watching the man I love, who's son I am carrying, move on with his life. The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick.
He has told me he will continue to pay for his share of the rent and bills so I have somewhere to live. I have no support system here, I have no friends, my family won't take me back, I have no transport and no choice but to stay here. I told him I can't face being alone in this house that was so filled with hope for the rest of my pregnancy. He said he understands and he will stay until I'm ready. He went out last night, he's going out again tonight and my thoughts are echoing around this empty house that was meant to be our family home. I feel guilty whenever I feel our son kick because he doesn't deserve any of this. He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby. I don't know how.
Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known, I can't picture my future without him in it and I know he will be an amazing father to our son.
He's happy already, after weeks of sadness he's happy now he's free to pursue the life he wants and I am in more pain than I can even begin to describe. Please someone tell me this will get better.

Oh thank goodness for that !
How fast can you get back to your parents ?

I'm so glad your parents are reaching out. Take their offer up, and get yourself to a place of support. You need that more than anything else right now.

This must have come as a shock to them, in their defence, and perhaps they are worried that you're going to need a huge amount of support from them putting their retirement plans in jeopardy?

Have you spoken to your midwife? If not you should speak to her and ask her what support is available to you - don't frame it like she needs to worry about your ability to parent - just that you could use some help getting your head around your change in circumstance in an emotional and financial sense, there is help available for vulnerable pregnant women. The father of your baby sounds like a sadist be careful around him and concentrate on doing whatever you have to to get you and your baby out of his life so you aren't dependent on him for anything. Honestly, only a very sick person would do such a thing.

I've spoken to my midwife briefly, just to fill her in on the circumstances. I plan to give her a fuller rundown of the situation when I have my appointment on Wednesday and am hoping this will help to provide some clarity.

I am starting to think he may have some manipulative, narcissistic tendencies at the very least. Who can lie so flawlessly for so many years without having something else going on? And then have my questioning myself, my own sanity. The second I question him on anything he finds a way to flip it back to me, to tell me something I did wrong that made him do what he did, to tell me I'm attacking him and I always end up apologising. Or the tears. Always tears. They were all fake, I'm seeing that now. Just manipulation tactics to keep people from seeing the person he really is. It's hard to be the nice guy when the mask slips...

I do feel that I need to say that he has no abusive tendencies at all that I've ever seen and I've known him for 7 years so unless I am truly blind and that far gone.

Well, I feel the need to say that no quarter-decent man mooches off to find a casual shag and tells his partner about it when she is 7.5 months pregnant. That is pretty much a classic example of abuse, in my book. He doesn't want to lose you as his 'best friend'??? What 'best friend' deserts a woman late in pregnancy to cause her deep distress and uncertainty, what best friend trashes carefully laid plans for security and mutual happiness. Enemies do that, not friends.

He's selfish. He's manipulative. He's heartless. He's a bully. You are not the ugly one. He is. Is there anywhere you can go, safely, to be with someone who is kind and loving, who can see you through the birth and first year? Any relative or good friend? If not, try and get as much legal and financial and housing advice as you can. If you have any shared funds, get hold of every penny you are entitled to, to secure you and your baby's future.

The second I question him on anything he finds a way to flip it back to me, to tell me something I did wrong that made him do what he did, to tell me I'm attacking him and I always end up apologising. Or the tears. Always tears.

DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim & offender). Emotionally abusive stuff.

What kind of man leaves their partner when they are 7.5 months pregnant?! Argh, I’m so angry on your behalf.

That's great about your parents OP - they clearly want to help you! As for your "partner", your heart will catch up with your head - give yourself time. Believe me in 6 months time you will feel differently towards him than you do do now.

If you get away to Yorkshire, you will be out of that nightmare and can rebuild straight away. Please darling, take the best care of yourself and your baby as you can. Try to accept that "relationship" is over, take control and leave him as soon as you can, or you will be mired down there in a dreadful position I agree with not putting him on the birth certificate as per previous poster. Good call.

Think about the future "you". Be kind to her, like you are to other people. Act now so that "future you" has a fighting chance at a new start and a happy life.

PS OP - You need to be taken off the joint tenancy. ExP needs to ask the landlord if he can be the sole tenant and you need to give permission for that. That is the least ExP can do for you so you aren't tied in to the contract. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you are jointly liable for rent and council tax on a joint tenancy if it is still current, and that won't work if you are going to be renting somewhere else and say, claiming Universal Credit. You need to get taken off the tenancy.

Sorry you are going through this.

But have a read back from your first post to your last. You've already come a long way.

It won't be easy going it alone but I suspect you will find a massive relief once you are free of his manipulation. The metal load his behaviour (even prior to this) will be massive.

If you can take time away from him even just for a few days to visit a friend while you think about what you want without his interference it will be a big help.

You are better than this and deserve so much more. But be on your guard because once he sees you being strong and telling him to shove it he will employ new tactics. He didn't really mean it, he was just in a panic about baby etc etc.

He wants you in your place and stuck there. Getting out before you have the baby will be easier.

Totally agree. Go back to your parents now, and get yourself re-established in Yorkshire. Do it before giving birth. You need some physical distance between yourself and this man, and not to rely on him at all.

Also, if he decides to try and use the baby as a mechanism to control you after the birth (and some of them do) he could attempt to cause problems down the line if you wanted to move later. Whereas if you move during pregnancy and baby is born in Yorkshire, that's just where they will always have lived.

This - go now.

Any person who would plan a life together and then leave you high and fry with no way to turn around isn't a good person. He wants his cake and to eat it. He wants

I know you must be emotional and in shock. Maybe he is depressed and acting out of panic as his life is about to change. But you need to think of you. Living with him isn’t the answer. I would ask him to leave for now. I would consider where you need to live for support. It’s easier if you’re renting as you can move quicker. I think you will realise this man is going to behave this way through life no matter who he is with. Sounds like he can’t be tied down. Sorry that you are going through this. It will get easier.

All you can do OP is make sure if you have any more children to select the man you have them to much more carefully. I got pregnant at 25 through a one night stand to a right waste of space. It wasn't intentional but I didn't use contraception so was my own fault. Yes it was poor decision making but 18 years later my son has grown into a wonderful young man and while not ideal, having him was the best thing I'd ever done. I did have another baby 10 years later but made sure I picked a bloke who I knew would be a good dad- I knew him well. We have since split but we share 50/50 custody of our daughter and he couldn't love her more. He's hands on, does all the grudge work for her etc and while we aren't together, we co parent as friends. Best of luck OP- you can do it.

I’m glad you’re finally seeing this man for the ....... he really is. That takes a lot of strength.
Keep doing what you are doing OP, make the break & move closer to your family & support net work. Little steps OP but each one is taking you to a better life x

Sending you much love OP. Already you are starting to take control, Well done you . Your son has a true warrior and survivor for a mama bless him.

Take care of yourself and I’m glad your parents are stepping in now too. You’ve got this x

Tiny update for everyone-
I have put up a manipulation guard- he is only allowed to address me regarding our son, at no point can conversations be manipulated to try and make me feel guilty as I see now this is just another way of trying to regain control, I will not engage as anything more than two people who share a child.
I am struggling. A lot. But I refuse to let him see that.
I have posted on the pregnancy board as a previous commenter recommended just to see if there is anyone in a similar situation and a friendship that can be forged in fire over there.
Saving grace in this whole situation being that my son gets me out of bed, in the shower and out for at least a walk every day. I don't think I'd be able to do it otherwise

Well done, OP.
You're being strong for your child.

Your boyfriend doesn't deserve you.

Our family wizard is a coparenting app
You could insist all communication goes through that
Can be used in court (if it ever came to that) and this helps keep people in line
Does cost - there are free apps available but not sure if any others are court-approved. You can email them if financial constraints and sometimes get help with the cost

Please reframe it as 'the person you thought he was' rather than actually is. You were in love with a version of him in your head that doesn't match who he actually is in HIS head. That's okay, that happens all the time, we all want to think the best about someone. But it isn't that wonderful man who has done this to you. It is the reality of him. And he falls short by a long way.

OP - you are handling this like a champion Stay strong for the future you and your baby.

You are one strong woman op. 💐💐💐