Heartbreak at 7 and a half months pregnant- handhold

[heavytohold]

Hi all. As the title says really. I am in pieces.
My partner, who I love more than I can begin to explain, decided that he no longer wants to be with me. I am 7 and a half months pregnant with his son and we have just moved into our dream home.
I am completely blindsided- everything seemed perfect. We were making plans, he told me he was so happy I was the mother of his child, being with me was his favourite thing, talking about our little family. A couple of weeks ago he completely shut down, stopped talking to me, got snappy and hard to be around. I assumed it was another bout of depression as he's prone to this and did all I could to pull him out of it and make things right again. The silence and lack of interest and communication was eating me up inside. Eventually I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship. He said he did, he wanted his easy life back, that was his coping mechanism and he couldn't make himself feel something for me that wasn't there.
I don't even know how to progress from here. I feel so stupid. He fought to bring my back into his life the first time after I put my shattered self esteem back together and he promised me things were different. Now i just feel like none of it was true, I can't help but feel I'm the problem- I'm not good enough or pretty enough. My self worth has taken another battering and I don't know if it will come back from this one. I am humiliated, I feel disgusting.
He told me he doesn't want to lose me as his best friend. I don't know if I can put myself through the torture of watching the man I love, who's son I am carrying, move on with his life. The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick.
He has told me he will continue to pay for his share of the rent and bills so I have somewhere to live. I have no support system here, I have no friends, my family won't take me back, I have no transport and no choice but to stay here. I told him I can't face being alone in this house that was so filled with hope for the rest of my pregnancy. He said he understands and he will stay until I'm ready. He went out last night, he's going out again tonight and my thoughts are echoing around this empty house that was meant to be our family home. I feel guilty whenever I feel our son kick because he doesn't deserve any of this. He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby. I don't know how.
Aside from this he is the best person I've ever known, I can't picture my future without him in it and I know he will be an amazing father to our son.
He's happy already, after weeks of sadness he's happy now he's free to pursue the life he wants and I am in more pain than I can even begin to describe. Please someone tell me this will get better.

He keeps telling me I have to stop crying because it isn't good for the baby

He is attempting to control you. You need to move back closer to your parents before the baby is born. If you wait until after the baby is born he will stop you and then you will have no family or friends close by.

Your parents are saying that the responsibility for the baby is all yours ... listen to them.

You need to get away from him and focus on yourself and your baby because he is not good for you at all. He's making you blame yourself for something that is entirely his fault. He is not a good person and this is not love or even friendship. He's selfish and manipulative and making your life hell at a time when you need calm and stability. He's proved irrevocably that he can't give you that. Get away from him, follow the practical advice above about getting what you're entitled to and focus all your energy on getting set up with him or his selfish destructive drama.

Thanks all for the support and the updates. Just as a blanket response (I am absolutely exhausted and running on empty) you gave me the strength I needed to stand up for myself for the first time.
I set boundaries and made it clear that they cannot be pushed. A breadcrumb comment was made about "maybe in the future" and I shut it down immediately. I made it clear communications are to he pragmatic and about our son exclusively and that anything outside of that is overstepping and not allowing me to heal from this. For the first time it was like I saw the manipulation and the lies. I can't believe I was so stupid.
Thank you for all of the advice and links for support in and around Liverpool, I'm going to explore everything but ultimately I do think getting myself back to Yorkshire is the best move now. I can't allow myself to continue being a victim. I won't let my son see his mother that way

This comment means so much to me. It's another glimmer of hope that I will get through this even though it seems like an unclimbable mountain right now.
I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm so pleased to hear it worked out in the end and you got the outcome you deserved all along.
I'm so happy for you and your lovely family x

Honestly you're all helping me more than you know. This invisible army of support is giving me strength I didn't know I had and showing me I will get out the other side of this x

This means so much to me. I've been beating myself up thinking I must be an awful mother if I can't even give him stability now but I guess as long as my focus is keeping him as safe and happy as he can be I'm doing all I can now and that's what matters

Everyone has already said what a piece of shit your partner is so I want to focus on your parents for a minute. I think it's incredibly harsh of them not to help you and to treat this as a "lesson" for you- absolutely awful and my heart breaks for you that they're not welcoming you back with open arms and doing everything they can to help. I wonder if their treatment of you is the reason you were attracted to this man who can't meet your needs? Something to reflect on maybe in the future when it's time to date again. In the meantime I would echo pp who are saying you absolutely can and will get through this and it will make you stronger. Wishing you the absolute best of luck

Well yes he is but poster did need to wise up
Some men and women don't want family life and that's fair enough.it can be a hellish machine for some but we are not allowed to say so.
Don't get involved with people like this if you do.Some men rarely settle til they are too old and ugly to get shagged

In the nicest possible way I don't understand why you would come into a post titled "handhold" and feel the need to stick the boot in.
With the most respect I can muster, which isn't a great deal right now, I think you can clearly see I'm learning my lesson the hard way without an internet stranger coming into my thread with their harsh words about how I brought it on myself.
My relationship prior to this was violent and abusive and the police were involved to remove my ex boyfriend and a restraining order had to be placed. If you don't understand the ingrained nature of the cycle of abuse then perhaps you're as naive as you clearly believe I am.
Maybe give me the credit of seeing this and wanting to stop this cycle of abuse for my child, instead of feeling the need to come onto the thread of a desperate woman pleading for help and advice in a time of need to explain why it's my fault for getting myself into this situation.
Furthermore, perhaps understand that a relationship spanning years is probably more complex than you've been able to gather from a brief post on Mumsnet and as much as it's clearly made you feel you have enough evidence to pass a judgement on me and my decisions, you're wrong.
I am struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning, thanks for your comment but it wasn't necessary.

There are always posters online who feel the need to kick people when they're down.

It's just a reflection of their own sad little lives, I think.

You're doing well to challenge them, OP.

I'm sorry your previous boyfriend was violent. And now you've got this one, who has basically abandoned you when you're expecting his child.

Stay strong. You can do this. You think you're letting your baby down in some way, but actually you're showing him that you're able to protect him.

Never doubt yourself @heavytohold . You are doing so well, especially to stand up to him.
I do think moving back to Yorkshire is the best thing to do, dont underestimate how vulnerable you can feel after giving birth. I would try before the baby is born so he can't put a stop to it legally. Ask your parents for help regarding that bit and hopefully they will see the importance of it. Otherwise you could be stuck in Liverpool for a long time.
I dont want to scare you but just make you aware.
He doesn't get to call the shots anymore, you make decisions that benefit you and the baby, not him. Be aware of him switching on the charm if he thinks you will move back. Only to drop you in it again once baby is here. He is capable of this, dont make the mistake of trusting anything he says.
Good luck, you have got this! Look how far you have come, throughout the heartbreak and his game playing you have got up each day and carried on and that is strength. YOU are stronger than you realise. You will be the fantastic example for your son. Not his father, who has failed him and you before he has even been born.

He is a nasty manipulative person. He is not your friend. Sadly he is your son's father and you'll have to comparent with him. Ask him to leave. You'll do far better alone than watching him flaunt his new single life and sex with other women in front of you. Go to anti natal classes and you'll meet others who are pregnant and will give birth around the time you do. As soon as the baby is born go to CMS and make him pay maintenance for the baby. You might be able to get baby into a nursery after 6 months and go back to work. You absolutely must prioritise yourself and your baby. Shut the bastard out of your life. He will only bring you misery.

Your baby is not born yet, so don't worry about ' stability ' yet.

Concentrate on finding somewhere to live.

all your baby will need for the first few months is him being fed, warm and dry, and you being safe and not upset.

It may be worth a phone call to Shelter, they can advise you - I think if you return to Yorkshire right now that you could turn up on your local authorities doorstep and tell them you are homeless and they will have a duty to find somewhere for you, then for you and your baby - this would be your last resort.
However your local authority will probably tell you that you are intentionally homeless as you have chosen to leave your current rental as they will ask you your circumstances / reason for leaving Liverpool / reason for leaving Yorkshire in the 1st place, and they will check.
Shelter can tell you what and how to do things - I think it's reasonable for you to explain that you can't afford to live in your current rental as a result of splitting up with baby's father.
This is what Shelter is for, housing advice / action for ' homeless ' people.

@heavytohold
I asked him if he wanted to go back to casually sleeping with other women as this had been an issue early on in our relationship..

Why did you allow this to go on? Good God woman, do you have no backbone?
Kick him out and get CM as soon as you can

Is there something particular about your circumstances eg country you are living in or culture that makes you actually trapped where you are? You have options and it would be good to understand your set up so if it isn't what we are used to then we can adapt what we are saying to what you are actually going through.

Ignore that I hadn't read the full thread and can see you have answered apologies

Your baby is in the best and safest place it could possibly be right now.

This man can fuck off with trying to make you feel guilty about being upset. He is not a good man. He is not your best friend.

You cannot rely on him but he does have a responsibility to pay maintenance towards his child.

Your parents are who they are. That is not your fault, don't waste your energy trying to change them. If they've already been clear that you can't live with them then ask if there is any involvement or support they want to offer and if not draw a line.

Please heed the poster who said don't have sex with him again whatever happens. I know someone who lost a baby after contracting an STI late in the 2nd trimester.

I feel guilty whenever I feel our son kick you are not the person who should feel guilty. You are keeping your baby safe and content in there. Keep looking after yourself.

My grandson's "father" walked out on dd when she was 6 months pregnant with their planned child. Dd felt broken and even more so when she later discovered that he walked out as his ex wife was about to have his second child. He married a different woman a year later. He has never seen grandson.
Dd got herself strong for grandson's birth and she has brought him up by herself with help from me and the rest of her family. He will soon be five and is a real joy and a credit to his mother.
Dd works really hard, I'm sure she still feels sad that dgs is without a father but she doesn't miss him and dgs doesn't go without her brothers and father provide positive male role models.
You will be able to do it as well, look after yourself and prioritise yours and baby's wellbeing. You say your family won't have you back but will they help you and look after you for now? Dd really needed looking after for a while. Do you have a friend who could stay with you for a while? I'm so sorry, don't look too far ahead, get through one day at a time.

I don't really have any advice here but just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are having to experience this and I really hope you start to feel like things turn a corner for you soon. I think you're incredibly strong to be handling this situation with such dignity and the number of times you reference your unborn son just demonstrate that he is already your top priority, and that will make you a fantastic mother. Once he's born your horrible ex partner will seem so irrelevant as your son will be the only thing you care about, I really hope you have enough support in your life to help get you through this terrible time and I know things will pick up for you soon. Sending big hugs xx

I’d echo the advice to move nearer your friend and the place you consider home. Even without your parents help and support you need to feel at home somewhere and his place isn’t it. Also when you register the birth go on your own - make the appointment and get a taxi without telling him, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate as the father. He doesn’t sound like he’s going to be any use as a dad, so you don’t want to have to run every decision past him. If he wants adding to the BC and to have parental rights then he can go to court and fight for it.

In the meantime attend antenatal classes, get to know mums to be in the local area (preferably your new home not here, another reason to move sooner rather than later) and build your own network of friends and fellow mums.

Maybe get onto some of the pregnancy threads on here as I’m sure there will be friendships forged over the next few months. Some of my closest friends were made on here when we were all going through breakups at the same time!

I know you love him at the moment, but some of that will be biological, you wanting a secure home for your baby. So once you have that for yourself without him and you see that you are a totally capable and loving mum to your baby, you’ll be angry at him for spoiling these few months for you, and you’ll feel sorry for him missing out on your gorgeous baby boy (that’s NOT a reason to let him back in though!)

Hes an idiot thinking with his dick instead of his heart and brain. Your son deserves better male role models than this prick.

Sorry for another blanket response. There were a couple of questions that have popped up a bit that I wanted to answer and then just give a bit of an update really.
The house is rented, we are both on the tenancy agreement but I'm not actually sure what this means regarding the situation? He pays the rent but we are both listed on the agreement. Of course it would be no issue for him to continue paying the rent and living here himself, he has also offered to leave and pay the rent for me but the idea of that makes me incredibly uneasy.
My parents have actually been fairly supportive today- they said they are happy to have me home for a brief period in order to get me out of the toxic environment that I'm in whilst I work the logistics of stuff out although it's really a daunting prospect. Their main concern is what the stress levels could be doing to my baby, which is something I'm feeling incredibly bad about too. I wish I could hold it together for him, I don't want to cause him any undue stress- he didn't ask for any of this.

As a minor update I finally got angry when he told me he wants to go back to the woman he cheated on me with for over a year. With others on the side of course... I guess I am really naive to have believed he was capable of changing- it's certainly what a lot of commenters have pointed out. I am just completely bemused by just how well someone can hide who they are, the amount of lies I just soaked in. He's still trying to tell me he loves me... you don't treat people you love this way. I fixed myself the first time... it's like he saw me move on and thought he hadn't bled me dry enough and now here we are... broken again by someone who still claims he cares about me. I'm starting to think he believes it himself... I'm trying my best to be strong here. He keeps trying to hold me and I want to so badly but I know I can't, I am firm in that, I know nothing good comes from that. I also will not go back to having sex with him pregnant or otherwise. I can't continue to tolerate this level of disrespect. I swear he must hate me? It's making me hate myself

I'm going to look into maternity classes in Yorkshire, many of you have suggested that as a place to build a strong support base so I think that's a great idea to look into

I’m glad to hear you’re holding firm on your boundaries around him and that your parents have offered a stop gap solution. Please take them up on it to get away from him, you’ll be able to think more clearly without him trying to confuse you. Honestly pack up your stuff and go home this weekend start your baby’s new life asap and leave this loser in the past where he belongs.

https://www.northyorks.gov.uk/contact/early-education-and-childcare?utm_source=contactus_direct

Contact here for help - if it’s the wrong bit of Yorkshire, they can give you the contact details of the same dept in the correct area

My parents have actually been fairly supportive today- they said they are happy to have me home for a brief period in order to get me out of the toxic environment that I'm in whilst I work the logistics of stuff out although it's really a daunting prospect.

Oh that's great news, I'm glad they're coming round a bit. Take them up on the offer and go back as soon as you can.

Regarding the tenancy agreement, if he's willing to take it on alone, you can probably be removed from it. If you weren't working when you moved in together, presumably he's the lead tenant and can afford the rent, so I don't see why it would be a problem to the landlord. While he's being co-operative, get off the tenancy.

I think it leaves you far too vulnerable if you stayed there and he moved out even if he says he'll pay the rent. How long would that last? It'll soon wear thin to pay two sets of accommodation costs.

Stay strong OP and don’t let him know you have your parents support now, as soon as he sees you getting stronger on your feet, he will try really hard to manipulate you to stay again. Do not give in to him, he’s a narcissist of a man, also I wouldn’t think of sleeping with him pregnant, god knows what kind of STDs he could give you AND your baby if he’s sleeping around.