My husband read my diary

[AuroraJ]

This is my first time of posting on Netmums for quite a few years but I don't know where else to go. Sorry this is sooo long.

For many reasons (which I won't bore anyone with), my DH and I have had a tough few years, and we are a work in progress. I've always kept a diary since I was a teenager. It's just my way of off loading, writing lists or just jumbled up verbal diarrhoea. Once I've written in it, I don't give what I've written another thought. It's my form of therapy.

We had an argument the other night and I turned to my diary. I wrote how I was feeling in that moment and speculated on what it would feel like to leave and how I can't because of the kids. I don't want to leave, but at that moment I was so frustrated and upset. I woke up the next morning, forgetting what I'd even written and carried on.

Tonight, my husband found my diary, read the entry and took a photo of the page. He demanded I explain myself, apologise for not telling him how I had been feeling and for also writing it in the first place. I stood my ground explained why I wrote it and I refused to apologise. He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

He got really nasty about it all. I have stood my ground and explained why I wrote it and how I felt at the time. Why should I apologise for my private thoughts?

He has since sent me a text telling me that he's sorry those thoughts ran through my head but because I haven't apologised for what he read I don't have a thought for how anyone else is feeling apart from myself.

Am I right and what should I do? I can't even look at him at the moment

Thanks in advance.

Would he read your diary and threaten to share it?

There is just so many man haters on this forum. Threatening and doing something are two different things. I have threatened many things before that I would never ever do. I wouldn't be asking other people who have no idea about my situation is on mumsnet for advice about this as everyone comes from a different space. All this conflicting advice is not helpful. He might of threatened her as he felt that he wasn't getting through to her and that she would retreat rather than communicate or that he needed something to jolt her into action and listening to him too.
Also when he asked about a positive entry she refused to do it. Could this be because there is nothing positive in the diary? Maybe he's concerned about how she's handling the relationship. There's nothing here in the way of what the argument is about. It seems that when a man is getting angry then he's always at fault. What if a woman threatened to expose their husband's diary. I bet the response rate would be more muted.

And of course my marriage its not perfect. It's called having to work at it which we have done for the nearly 20 years. It's about not giving up when the going gets tough as anyone knows that its not easy maintaining a healthy marriage. It requires work, compromise, commitment and that also means sometimes putting your partners needs before your own as he might put your needs before his own situation dependent.

I have threatened many things before that I would never ever do.

Your situation is not relevant to OP's situation. You making 'empty threats' does not make a threatening man safe to be around, and its not 'man hating' to say so.
A healthy relationship between two assertive adults is ''all about communication''; coping with an abusive partner is not. Its about managing risk.

What a load of cobblers.

There is just so many man haters on this forum.

Not anywhere near as many as there are people determined to hijack every thread to centre men and imaginary wrongs against them. The guy read his wife's diary, took the photo and threatened to share it to turn her family against her. I know it's hard to appreciate that not everything is about men, but you're going to have to learn how to do it.

Also when he asked about a positive entry she refused to do it. Could this be because there is nothing positive in the diary?

What the actual fuck? It's a personal journal, she's not obliged to show it to anyone or write things to make other people feel good when they read it without her consent or coerce her! It's for her eyes only. How do you not understand that?

What if a woman threatened to expose their husband's diary.

What if the moon fell out of the sky? What if Emma Watson was a good actress? What if a million things that haven't happened but I've made up because all I want to do is detract from what did happen and make up reasons to feel victimised?

Oh... and here's a thread by a wife who wants to read her husband's diary and is being roundly told to respect his privacy. Sorry!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4776200-to-be-upset-dh-wont-let-me-read-his-diary

Print this and all comments and stick it in your diary for the nosey fucker to read

He should not have read your diary but to be honest very few people would not have resisted temptation.

How many people would have weaponised and threatened to share it?

All of this. ^ And if there ARE so many women who hate men on Mumsnet, so fucking what? Women are entitled to hate men if they wish. Plenty of men fucking hate women!

Difference is, unlike men, women have never done anything to deserve the hate and vitriol that they receive from men. There are multiple reasons for women to hate men. They are pretty much the main reason for most problems in the lives of most women. So yeah, women are entitled to hate men. If they - and the (female) male apologists don't like it, tough titties. Just suck it up. No woman has to explain themselves to anyone.

I don't hate all men. I hate MOST men, and think many of them are utter arseholes. And as I said, I'm not explaining why.

@Mememe9898

It's not as much man hating as being able to know shit behaviour when you see it. Empty threats aren't part of healthy communication, we all know better than that.

It requires work, compromise, commitment and that also means sometimes putting your partners needs before your own as he might put your needs before his own situation dependent.

What, if his needs include reading your private journal, photographing it, demanding you show him a page where you have written something pleasing and then hitting the roof when you refuse and telling you he's going to tell your mum and dad? Behaviour like this does not exist in a vacuum, I am willing to bet that this is part of a bigger picture of inexcusable bullshit from him.

I'm not sure what the accoustics are like in an ivory tower, but that is absolute bollocks, if you can hear me.

This, 1000 times over. You couldn’t get more disrespectful and controlling if you tried.

Yes they are if they want to. But i think you'll find that men don't hate women as much as you think they do.
A lot of men adore women. What makes you think that women have not done anything to deserve the hate and vitriol? So is it just men that are to blame and women have never done anything bad? What about Amber Heard beating up Johnny depp. There are a lot of women who are bad news out there too so this confirmation bias of women being the victim and men being the aggressive is not always true. I don't deny that him trying to take a picture of her diary is out of order though but he might of been so upset and said it as an empty threat. I think these things happen way more often than others care to think about.

Sounds like you've had some bad experiences with men to hate MOST men. I've had mostly really good experiences so I would never say i hate MOST men. Don't get me wrong there are bad ones but there are a lot of nasty women too. I've met a fair few myself.

But i think you'll find that men don't hate women as much as you think they do

That's very comforting. However, the rape, abuse and harassment stats are indisputable, so even if we do have it slightly off, I think the order of magnitude makes any margin of error small enough not to have to worry about. It certainly doesn't warrant seeking out a female-oriented website so you can hijack a thread about a man abusing his wife via her diary and family.

And if you think it's OK even just to threaten to share someone's diary after you've read it without permission and photographed it, you have absolutely no place lecturing people on what makes a healthy relationship.

I'm wondering what world you live in where you can come on to a thread like this and think the issue is women's victimisation of men. How have you come to the conclusion that that is the problem here?

Firstly.

It is no different to checking a phone, BOTH are deeply personal and the intrusion and then gaslighting for me are both huge deals, deal breaking. Actually.

I married someone very similar to this, he continues to do this even though we are divorced.

There's a 100 different ways to find out how your other half is feeling; it doesn't require that intrusion.

I've never checked my boyfriends phone, absolutely don't need to, I wouldn't even want to guess the pin number, I'd feel guilty and intrusive just doing that. I have a journal that I 99.9% know he's never read.

I have read passages out to him from it (because they've been appropriate AND because I find it easier to communicate via writing) that doesn't however give him any kind of permission to go looking or reading.

I think his reaction says it everything this wasn't an accident, this was well meditated, and he's using it as a power against you. What he's doing by threatening to share your diary is NO different to threatening revenge porn, it's all about the power trip, same mentality and nastiness.

Whether he shares your journal with others, or not, isn't this the end anyway? I highly doubt this isn't the only issue you have with him and his controlling nature.

Sadly. You cannot continue this JUST because of your kids. You may not want to 'rip' the family up BUT what message are you sending out to them? Either situation isn't the best for the kids but at least away from him you may feel happier, and the kids too. But you absolutely do not deserve this disgusting treatment, your kids don't deserve to see it either.

A diary is private. He should not have read it; nor be threatening you with its contents.

You have done nothing wrong. You shouldn’t have to apologise anyway but what does he think it will achieve? It’s how you feel , apologising for how you feel won’t stop you feeling it.

He has invaded your privacy and he is the only one who should be apologising and threatening to share your private thoughts is disgusting.

@Mememe9898

There are a lot of women who are bad news out there too so this confirmation bias of women being the victim and men being the aggressive is not always true.

Women aren't always the victims, that's true. They also aren't murdering men at the rate of two a week every year, so positioning this as 'there are good and bad of both' is simplistic and a false equivalence.

I don't deny that him trying to take a picture of her diary is out of order though but he might of been so upset and said it as an empty threat.

Oh that's ok then. We should tell people that if their partner threatens something, not to be so mean as to assume it's a 'real' threat and give them the benefit of the doubt that it's just an empty threat. I can't see any issues with that logic at all...

That’s awful behaviour from your husband.
I use my diary to write down my worries and frustration, my husband has extremely poor health and at times I have a real moan in my diary….. it just relieves my tension, I would be so upset if he read it. Complete invasion of privacy.
Tell your husband to take a long hard look at himself

My ex used to do this. Go through my stuff when I was out, find something he didn't like then scream at me to apologise for how going through my private things made him feel.
He was also an abusive piece of shit.

You said your marriage has been going through a tough time, i think its time to decide whether you want to continue. What he did is a step too far and to threaten to send it to others is just abuse. As he says all thoughts and feelings have to be shared tell him you want recordings of all his therapy sessions. See how be likes that

I don't deny that him trying to take a picture of her diary is out of order though but he might of been so upset and said it as an empty threat.

How is OP supposed to know whether a threat is empty or not? It may surprise you @Mememe9898 but those of us who have been on the receiving end of “saying stuff I don’t mean” don’t actually know.
I do know it’s meant at the time, and it’s only not meant once there’s responsibility to be taken.

Presumably you recognize that dynamic of losing the head to get compliance, and then not meaning it (like that) once the compliance has been achieved.
I think it is a truly despicable course of action, it is absolutely coercive, and you are only defending this specimen because you do the same yourself.

Reading your posts reminds me of the awful times during my marriage and the years of rinse and repeat of:
”I didn’t mean”
“so why did you say it”
“I don’t want to fight, let’s move on”
I’m so so glad I left that behind.

And of course it wasn’t exactly an empty threat, was it? If he had said “you should life in fear of some unspecified negative action to embarrass you about this is the future” we would all see how sinister that was. Adding a coat of hyperbole is actually just a way of him having plausible deniability beforehand and “mitigation” afterwards that it wasn’t that bad. But then, you also already know that dynamic too, don’t you?

Your private thoughts are yours only and what he did was unforgivable. Kindly, you don’t need your children to witness that level of control and general cuntery. Leave that pathetic excuse of a man and never look back, you deserve way better than this.

I think regardless of whether you consider your relationship to be a work in progress he is not behaving in a way you do towards someone you love and are committed to sadly.

If my partner ever threatened me with something similar I might just put a message about his behaviour in the family chat myself.

Agree with you All

Often there are things we will ruminate over for a while then try and talk about them and a diary is a good way to help process how we're feeling to work out how to have such a conversation.