My husband read my diary

[AuroraJ]

This is my first time of posting on Netmums for quite a few years but I don't know where else to go. Sorry this is sooo long.

For many reasons (which I won't bore anyone with), my DH and I have had a tough few years, and we are a work in progress. I've always kept a diary since I was a teenager. It's just my way of off loading, writing lists or just jumbled up verbal diarrhoea. Once I've written in it, I don't give what I've written another thought. It's my form of therapy.

We had an argument the other night and I turned to my diary. I wrote how I was feeling in that moment and speculated on what it would feel like to leave and how I can't because of the kids. I don't want to leave, but at that moment I was so frustrated and upset. I woke up the next morning, forgetting what I'd even written and carried on.

Tonight, my husband found my diary, read the entry and took a photo of the page. He demanded I explain myself, apologise for not telling him how I had been feeling and for also writing it in the first place. I stood my ground explained why I wrote it and I refused to apologise. He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

He got really nasty about it all. I have stood my ground and explained why I wrote it and how I felt at the time. Why should I apologise for my private thoughts?

He has since sent me a text telling me that he's sorry those thoughts ran through my head but because I haven't apologised for what he read I don't have a thought for how anyone else is feeling apart from myself.

Am I right and what should I do? I can't even look at him at the moment

Thanks in advance.

I agree with @Dadjoke007 here. It's no different. How many of you slating OP's husband have gone through your husband's phones reading his thoughts and feelings when he's chatting to his mates? I bet its a lot!

Mumsnet when it comes to men is something to behold and I think a lot of you are neurotic. The nans wedding ring thread just a couple of days ago shows how much contempt a lot of users on here have for their husbands/partners. Im surprised I haven't seen LTB posted on here yet

Yeah i think he was wrong to go through your diary but its no different to the millions of women who snoop

Well I don’t agree with going through phones either.

There’s no “gotcha” here. The OP hasn’t been caught out messaging an ex or having an affair. She is expressing doubts about her marriage which she is entirely within her rights to feel and write down. If a family member posted photos of their partners diary on the family chat I would be completely appalled. If my husband ever threatened such an act to me I’d tell him to go ahead but he’d be packing his bags.

Abusive, really?

But that's the thing, if you suspect something so you just leave without proof?

He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong

Seriously? He sounds horrible. LTB.

He's a manipulative psycho who's only gone and proven your feelings about leaving valid even more with his moronic behaviour.

he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

Divorce this arsehole. It's over. How fucking dare he threaten to humiliate you like this? He is a bad person.

This is really such an invasion of your privacy and to threaten to post it to a family group is inexcusable.

Because when you write a diary, it is meant for no one but the writer.

When you're looking at someone's phone, you're seeing content they've shared to the world or stuff they've told or shared with other people.

Not remotely the same.

Terrible. Looking at phones is too.

I would go apeshit at either.

You have nothing to apologise for. Writing a diary meant only for your eyes is a legitimate strategy for working through your feelings as well as a contemporary record of what's happening in your life for the benefit of future you. It should have been very clear to your husband that he had no business reading it, and demanding an apology or reassurance is extremely bad behaviour on his part.

I don't think you owe him any explanation, justification or mitigation of what you wrote. Just po-faced disapproval of his snooping.

Reading someone’s diary or private messages is a complete no no and I don’t think it’s something you can come back from.

If someone read my texts/diary then it would be over.

It sounds like this relationship is already done and this is perhaps the nail in the coffin.

You're not playing devil's advocate at all. You're talking tripe.

Anyone of any sex snooping isn't right and what's definitely not right in this instance is the wee shite's threat to post her private thoughts online.

There's no 2 ways about it, he needs to accept that what he's done is indefensible and work on his behaviour. And the OP needs to consider what she wants to do next.

Thanks for all your messages. I've got home tonight and it's escalated into an argument again. I've explained that it was how I was feeling in a moment after an argument. Next morning, I'd even forgotten I'd written it. It was not for his eyes so I shouldn't have to apologise. He's view is we should have a policy that we have to communicate everything we are feeling and he's hurt that I was keeping big secrets from him. It wasn't a secret, it was a feeling. He kept on about how I should be his confident and his rock but now he doesn't trust me. I do so much for my family and I'm not even allowed my own sodding thoughts now. I don't snoop on his phone purely because I can't be arsed and I have no need. I don't want to read anything that might hurt and cause a situation like this. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, insecurities, stresses and private conversations even if that is blowing off steam about your partner.

He is having grief counselling at the moment and I'm sure he'll be going in on Monday offloading all this rubbish. I'm hoping the counsellor will talk some sense into him.

Absolute bollocks. You are entitled to private thoughts and feelings written in a journal, of course you are. You don't have to run every thought past him.

He doesn't trust you? Well that makes two of you. I wouldnt trust this blackmailing egotistical idiot as far as I could throw him. He's doubling down when he would have hopefully had time to reflect that he has been totally out of order. I'd be livid.

Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, insecurities, stresses and private conversations even if that is blowing off steam about your partner.

You are absolutely right!

He has crossed a line and he’s not even sorry.

I can see why he's hurt.

But reading your diary is a relationship ending event.

He shouldn’t have read your diary. But I do understand why he’s hurt. I would feel hurt too if I was your dh. No one wants to read that their spouse wants to leave them. He only has your word for it that you don’t mean it and to even give air to that thought in a diary it’s a big sign things aren’t very good.

Why the F is he reading your diary

How DARE he demand you apologise for something he should never have been reading in the first place. What is he, the thought police?

He’s obviously upset by what he read, but I’d find it hard to have any sympathy if he won’t even acknowledge that what he did was wrong

He should be asking if you’re ok, not complaining that he doesn’t like how you feel

So he’s allowed to vent to a therapist about his hurt?

@AuroraJ
Everyone including yourself is entiled to have their own private feelings to be able to express oneself in their privacy of home and Journal diary,

It's a healthy and perfectly normal thing to do,

Good that you haven't allowed yourself to be harrassed to feel guilty emotionally blackmailed into apologising to him,

Stand your ground
You are definitely in the right and he know it...7
No wonder he is attempting to do gas lightening mind games tactics 🙄 with you

In fact the one who should be genuinely apologising is the one who he sees in the mirror...

He should be apologising to you about the gross offensive invasion of privacy he complentary trampled trashed over..

Any other examples of his immature man child tactics and histrionics head fuck mind games fuckery then?

As unless this is totally out of character for him
this kind of attitude behaviour usaully is part of a general pattern no matter how often it happens..

Plus the borderline abusive way he has reacted to this ...

That's a very good point

No different to a diary then? Or messaging a mate?

What a nasty horrible man

Op you know how you write in the moment you felt like leaving ?
Well put that into motion .. he’s a piece of shit of the highest order

I would be unbelievably cross about this, everyone knows diaries are private, so are phones, I don't want anyone looking at either, although if they were left out and they accidentally saw something, then moved away, that would be fair enough.

You don't own another person's mind and you can't make them share all their thoughts, in fact, I don't think most marriages would survive that!

@AuroraJ

Totally agree with your sentiments about everyone needs their own privacy in a diary journal to let off steam express ones feelings and insecurities...

Just cause you are married to someone or in any other relationship
It does not mean you give up your right to have and express your feelings thoughts insecurities in a healthy secure way in private,

You are not your husband's clone and

You are not part of congenital simese twin either,
beinh married to your husband too,

It's sounds like your husband can be real claustrophobic suffocating needy man child at times...
Unless him acting like this is out of character for him...