My husband read my diary

[AuroraJ]

This is my first time of posting on Netmums for quite a few years but I don't know where else to go. Sorry this is sooo long.

For many reasons (which I won't bore anyone with), my DH and I have had a tough few years, and we are a work in progress. I've always kept a diary since I was a teenager. It's just my way of off loading, writing lists or just jumbled up verbal diarrhoea. Once I've written in it, I don't give what I've written another thought. It's my form of therapy.

We had an argument the other night and I turned to my diary. I wrote how I was feeling in that moment and speculated on what it would feel like to leave and how I can't because of the kids. I don't want to leave, but at that moment I was so frustrated and upset. I woke up the next morning, forgetting what I'd even written and carried on.

Tonight, my husband found my diary, read the entry and took a photo of the page. He demanded I explain myself, apologise for not telling him how I had been feeling and for also writing it in the first place. I stood my ground explained why I wrote it and I refused to apologise. He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

He got really nasty about it all. I have stood my ground and explained why I wrote it and how I felt at the time. Why should I apologise for my private thoughts?

He has since sent me a text telling me that he's sorry those thoughts ran through my head but because I haven't apologised for what he read I don't have a thought for how anyone else is feeling apart from myself.

Am I right and what should I do? I can't even look at him at the moment

Thanks in advance.

Having grief counselling is not an excuse for being an asshole either.

Should have told him to go ahead and put it on the chat. Unless your family are as massive thundering backsides as he is, the only person whose actions will appall them is him.

Invasion of privacy. I married a guy like this. I bet it’s not just your diary is it?

He's been vile.
However, one of thenmost sensible things my mother ever told me "if you want private thoughts and don't want them to haunt you, don't write it down in letters and diaries". She was a dreadful snooper and I learnt my lesson early! Shouldn't have had to but life is deeply unfair.

Not defending the DH as he sounds a dick, but sorry they are the same, both are invasions of privacy, individuals data and should be down to them who views it.

True, however 90% of the issues on this site are because people would rather vent on here than communicate and work with their partners to resolve the issues.

That is a massive invasion of privacy. Like you, I also use journaling as a means to vent, to process stuff. It's a great way to clear my head. Document, then move on.

My DH also read my journal; he read things about himself that were less than flattering but were written in the heat of the moment. It actually caused us a massive upset.

While I understand it was upsetting, reading negative comments about himself, what he didn't get was the "context" in which it was written. He thought what I wrote was gospel, I thought I was letting off steam, moving on.

All I can suggest, keep writing in your diary, but do what I do. Keep it hidden under lock & key.

He should not be invading your privacy.

His reaction would make me want to leave even more. He should be begging forgiveness, not making demands.

No good can come from reading someone else’s diary. I think it’s time you ditch the hard copy version and start writing a password-controlled online one.

In this day & age, mobile phones can often be as personal as a diary, someone snooping can go through your search history, messages, banking, private notes, social media. Imagine a woman finds herself pregnant or in an abusive relationship & has used her phone to access support & advice, a quick look at her search history shows she has contacted some organisation about abortion or leaving the relationship or even has been messaging on Mumsnet about her situation, how many times has there been a post from someone in an abusive relationship & the poster has gained strength & support so she can leave?

Unless he found evidence that you are trying to kill him, it's none of hiss business. Your private thoughts are your own.

I use an online diary with a pin. It was free from the App Store. There are lots to choose from. Highly recommend.

I miss my diary but couldn't have one once I got married. I'm sure my husband wouldn't snoop but diaries are so private. If I need to offload now, I use a Google doc, accessed though my account and fully password protected. It could be an option for you.

I don’t usually approve of the whole mumsnet “bash the husband” culture, but on this occasion I couldn’t scroll past.

Your husband is a bully.

Whilst I can understand why he was tempted to read it (who doesn’t want to know what’s going on in their spouse’s head?) , it was wrong. But more importantly, he’s then using this against you as a form of blackmail? How incredibly cruel!

what a horrible horrible man. Please leave him, and take your children with you; I’m sure you’ll all be happier not being around this kind of controlling behaviour.

good luck xx

I would tell your DH to post the photo in the family group, so you can tell them exactly why you felt the need to write it.

See how quickly he shuts up then.

Well, what about the women ‘going against the grain?’

Why has MN become scenario comparing and 'if a woman did' gender scoring?
We are looking at a specific situation here.
I feel sorry for OP- using someone's diary as validation is so shit.
The OP was put on a losing role by her husband. Diaries are more likely to be 'negative' (as in a way to safely vent hurt/frustrations etc) and to be put on the spot and asked to provide happy entries etc is such an awful mind game.

She shouldn't have to justify anything.

When the MRAs got here in sufficient numbers to start changing the culture. When you're an MRA, a community of mostly women that centres women without apology is an act of hate. It also scares you shitless because let's be honest, they're not very secure.

Opening up someone else's diary and reading it (taking a pic of it is an extra low level) might not seem that heinous, but really it reveals how comfortable a person is with breaking someone else's boundary and helping themselves to private things that aren't for them. It's a real massive red flag in my opinion. I actually feel worse about this than if he'd looked through your phone (although that also would have been unacceptable).

It's a horrific violation to have your one safe, private space looked at like that. I could leave my journal out, open, anywhere in my house, and my partner wouldn't look. I'm the same with him. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wouldn't be able to get past this, especially because of his doubling down reaction and his threat to actually share your diary page publicly.

Just came here to say, I have always kept a diary, when I first moved in with stbxh he found and read a diary entry of mine, it was old, and talking about an ex-bf, he hit the roof and was very upset and I was made to feel very guilty about feelings I had for someone who I’d broken up with before I even met stbxh. I tried to explain myself, he calmed down and apologised for invading my privacy but didn’t realise what he was reading until he was half way through (apparently). While I was asleep that night he read the rest of the diary, from cover to cover. I was devastated, heartbroken and ashamed (because he knew all of my personal thoughts and feelings that were never meant for anyone else to read).

That was in 2007. I left him about 5 weeks ago after trying on multiple occasions, he could be explosively angry, jealous, controlling, manipulative and even though I’m “ok” I have movements of realising I’m not “good”. I still keep a diary but via an email account I don’t save the password for and use a private browser to access. Leave him, you’ll thank yourself later.

This is exactly one of the reasons it's so awful to read someone else's diary. You now don't feel safe and comfortable enough to continue journaling how you used to and while it's great you've found a way to continue expressing yourself privately, it's such a shame that your ex took away your sense of security in simply writing, and in having your privacy respected. Many people after having their diaries read stop writing altogether. I really think it's a grievous act, because it takes away peoples' sense of safety in having boundaries and privacy, and we all really need that for good mental health.

Totally agree. How would her husband feel about reading all these awful comments about him on mumsnet?
It all boils down to communication! I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have been through lots of ups and downs. The common factor is being able to communicate and air out whats important and not important. I wouldn't whinge about him on mumsnet but speak to his face.

🙄

Ask him if he'd be happy to record his counselling session and let you listen to it? It's exactly the same as reading your diary.

To threaten to put it in the family chat group would have me running for the hills

Glad your marriage is perfect. Maybe ask what kind of man OP is married to and ask why she might not feel safe or comfortable talking to his face before sounding off platitudes about "communication"???