My husband read my diary

[AuroraJ]

This is my first time of posting on Netmums for quite a few years but I don't know where else to go. Sorry this is sooo long.

For many reasons (which I won't bore anyone with), my DH and I have had a tough few years, and we are a work in progress. I've always kept a diary since I was a teenager. It's just my way of off loading, writing lists or just jumbled up verbal diarrhoea. Once I've written in it, I don't give what I've written another thought. It's my form of therapy.

We had an argument the other night and I turned to my diary. I wrote how I was feeling in that moment and speculated on what it would feel like to leave and how I can't because of the kids. I don't want to leave, but at that moment I was so frustrated and upset. I woke up the next morning, forgetting what I'd even written and carried on.

Tonight, my husband found my diary, read the entry and took a photo of the page. He demanded I explain myself, apologise for not telling him how I had been feeling and for also writing it in the first place. I stood my ground explained why I wrote it and I refused to apologise. He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

He got really nasty about it all. I have stood my ground and explained why I wrote it and how I felt at the time. Why should I apologise for my private thoughts?

He has since sent me a text telling me that he's sorry those thoughts ran through my head but because I haven't apologised for what he read I don't have a thought for how anyone else is feeling apart from myself.

Am I right and what should I do? I can't even look at him at the moment

Thanks in advance.

Therapist? Oof. Clearly he’ll be happy for you to get transcripts of all his sessions, actually he shouldn’t really need a therapist because you are his confidant, his rock etcetc.

He’s being spiteful, denying you coping strategies you’ve developed over years and insisting you are allowed nothing except from him.

Trying to spoil your relationship with wider family?

Next step, no friends either, because he’s enough don’t you know.

Demanding apologies for how you feel, rather than any bad behaviour on your part.

He’s expecting the entire world to revolve around him.

They are two different things, though. @Dadjoke007 too. Message snooping is done when you have a strong feeling your partner's keeping a secret from you, you're looking for evidence one way or another about whether they're betraying you.

It's all very well saying the relationship's already over when you're driven to that state - and it usually is - but we aren't machines; most of us need to find out whether or not our suspicions are reasonable. Remember people find out about financial secrets as well as romantic ones.

Privacy isn't the same as secrets. Loads of us use a journal to work through our private thoughts and feelings, just as we'd use a therapist. All the mental health resources recommend journalling. When you snoop on a journal, you're not looking for evidence of real-word actions, you're snooping on the thoughts inside their head.

And those can change in an hour. That's half the point of journalling: to process difficult feelings. Trying to hold someone to account for a thought they once had is absurd!

@AuroraJ, you might get past this second incident but I'm afraid your relationship is fucked, really. He thinks he owns your thoughts and has the right to punish you for having thoughts he disapproves of 😢

Tell this piece of utter shite that your soul is your own and he has no right of way. Then do yourself a favour and divorce the fucker. I am infuriated on your behalf!

He doesn't trust you?

Honestly OP - this would be a deal breaker for me. His behaviour is so out of order and the abusive bullying and gaslighting that has followed has been appalling. I'd be divorcing because of this.

Is Netmums still a thing? Do they still have tickertapes?

Your H is being very unreasonable op. If you werent thinking of actually leaving him before........ I suggest you ought to be now. This isnt how a loving husband behaves.

Interested to read that as my (now ex) DH read my diary. I had been very unhappy in our marriage for years & used to write my thoughts & feelings in my diary. There were also just 'every day' entries about what we'd fine as a family but the more unhappy I became, the more I used to write about it in my diary. I always kept it in a drawer but apparently once, after an argument, I'd left it on the spare room bed (I honestly don't remember doing that). Anyway, he read quite a bit of it and was very upset/angry about some of the things I'd written & told me it wasn't true and I had exaggerated, only put my views & perspective down etc etc. He said I should get rid of it as if the children found & read it it would upset them. The thing was, what I'dxwritten was truly how I felt & experienced things and I knew they were definitely not made up or imagined. He made me feel guilty about writing it. During our divorce, it was actually really useful to use as a timeliness and for unreasonable behaviour (which made him hit the roof, as he said all my reasons were one sided & not true). I also used to message my sister & best friend about how I was feeling which, again, he somehow managed to read them all, saying I'd left my phone around. This really bothered me as I had a 'pattern" to access my phone, so he must've either watched me or guessed it. Again, he was furious & said I was lying and not putting his side across. He eventually got a PI to follow me as he didn't trust me. As it happened, by that stage I had completely detached and had started a (non physical but definitely emotional affair) with a man. If I'd found & read stuff like that of his, my main concern would have been that he was obviously really unhappy & what could I do to make him happier!
Anyway, getting divorced was absolutely the best outcome!

I also "write" my feelings. It helps me so much to write out everything I'm upset about. It crystalizes my thoughts. Most of the time I realize what I'm actually upset about isn't are what I thought it was. I write until I feel better. Then I rip the paper into tiny pieces and flush the bad feelings away.

Which would have kept him from reading your diary. I learned the hard way to leave no record.

Your thoughts are just that; YOUR thoughts. You're entitled to your own, private thinking space. One that's just for you.

I hope his grief counselor explains that what he's doing violates your privacy.

Continue writing. It's good for you to have an outlet. Just flush it next time.
💐

I'm astounded at the double standards, if you suspect your husband it's alright to look through his phone, but if a husband reads his wifes diary it's abusive and she should divorce him. Would it make it alright if he was suspicious??
Neither is right, there are plenty of snoopers on here too.
I would ask your husband how he would feel if you demanded to know each and every thought no matter how inconsequential.

I think he needs to apologise for invading your privacy and understand just how awful a thing it is to do. Your phone is off limits too unless you give permission for him to use it etc. Having some privacy is a natural part of being human, just because you're married does not entitle him to know your thoughts, this is not an Orwellian society.
Could it be possible if he's going through a bereavement that this could explain some of the unpleasant behaviour, just a thought and not excusing it.

Yes. You don't need 'proof'
If its got to the point where you want to invade someone's privacy its over anyway.
Because only one of two things is going on.. either he's a piece of shit or you are. Don't let yourself be sucked in. Honestly.. it's a fools errand. You won't stop a man cheating or leaving, by policing his behaviour more. If you need to do that you shouldn't be with him because he's not worth it.
And that's the same with the genders swapped.
And its the same with trying to find out any information about someone..
if you cant just talk to your partner like a normal adult human being to find out how they feel or something you want to know about them, and you have to snoop instead.. then that relationship is toxic and you need to end it.
Relationships are only healthy when they have mutual trust, support and communication.

I think to a degree it depends on what was written. Yes your husband was wrong to read your diary but if my husband kept a diary I wouldn't go looking for it but if he left it out in all honesty I would probably read it. If the entry was just general moaning and groaning about how he gets on your nerves then yes he is overreacting. However if the entry was more than that then those words would wound. Maybe in future don't keep a diary but talk to your husband about how you are feeling. I think the whole issue is around how you communicate with each other and that is probably the underlying issue.

Unless the DH has medical/psychiatric condition, he's WRONG in all sorts of ways. First, he shouldn't have pried into your private thoughts/diary for which he should/must apologise if he's adult enough. Second, this borders on domestic violence and harassment and he should definitely apologise (and begin to mend his ways). Third, perhaps most important, he should be genuinely repentant for his behaviour that drove you to pen down your angst, worries now that he's read the raw & truly felt hurt he caused you. Threat of blackmailing is not adult behaviour in a relationship (unless, of course, the other party needs psychiatric help). Not knowing all the implications, I'd be reluctant to suggest calling his bluff, though that's what DH most likely needs a dose of? Best wishes.

He's nuts.

Leave the abusive wanker, like, yesterday.

So what if he posts it online? 'So John, not only did you read my private diary, you posted it online for others to read. You're a dick and we're over'.

Get away from the headfucking beast.

I'd call his bluff.. Let him post it, he will be the one that is judged for reading your personal diary, taking a picture and sharing it.

Tbh husbands like this make me thankful I'm divorced 😂🙏

No offence intended.

If a women looked at a man's diary, had a tantrum, demanded an apology and threatened blackmail,The women would be wrong and if she came on MN she would be told so. As the OP didn't find messages on her partners phone it is irrelevant.
OP you know what he is doing is wrong. He is pathetic childish and selfish. If I read someone's diary (which I wouldnt) I would feel terrible thst I had made someone so unhappy.

If I was you I'd file for divorce as soon as you can.

He invaded your privacy by finding your diary, reading it, photographing it, demanding you apologize, threatening to show the photo to everyone ... no wonder you wrote what you did.

He's an arsehole, controlling, pouting, childish, stupid, arrogant and obnoxious and a motormouth to match.

You don't need that vile bloke in your life.

Good luck in putting the rubbish out!

Don't even discuss this or argue about it any more. Be very clear with him:

"I am not discussing my private thoughts and feelings with you unless I decide I need to.

If you share the photo with anyone our relationship is over.

Never look at my diary again."

Agree with this ... if my brother did this with his wife's diary and I wouid he disgusted at him. Sure, her feelings may not be nice for him to read but let's be honest, if you are going through a tough time as a couple there will be moments sometimes when you don't like that person or yes, even fantasise momentarily about leaving. BUT THEY ARE JUST FEELINGS.

I'd be more interested in how my brother could justify such an action if it wasn't an attempt to merely humiliate her.

He is the selfish one, you put your thoughts down privately just for own outlet, which u need, and he wants to hurt the famiy by showing to everyone when you dont want to hurt anybody. He has done it twice he is in the wrong, if he really is going to on famiy group maybe talk to the family members that will be affected by it first let them know it was your private diary and not how I feel every day. He is being defensive and out of order.

I'd be furious!

At him, to be clear!

Massive invasion of your privacy. To threaten to share a photo of it??? Wow...unless this man is superman in every other way I would be following through with your wish to leave....as Nike say...just do it!!

Wow.

There is usually reading between the lines to do.
But in plain and simple, he read your privacy and then has zero accountability for doing so.

Then he is abusive with threats of exposing your privacy.

That is in no form at all love. It is however a huge red flag.

@AuroraJ You don’t want to leave? Why not! In what other ways is this man controlling and abusive? I’m guessing this is not the first time. Or the last for that matter..

He kept on about how I should be his confident and his rock but now he doesn't trust me.
Might be worth pointing out that he is not being 100% supportive to you right now either. What is better about expressing every doubt openly to your partner? Does he tell you every thought that goes through his head, unfiltered?

You say he is having grief counselling. He may be questioning everything about his life. A lot of people act out of character when there has been a big loss lately; they reassess their priorities and life and wonder why they have not lived it to the full, and taken more risks or done what they always secretly wanted to - as compared with a death, their old priorities and inhibitions seem less important. They can feel suddenly alone in the world, too, so if there's an argument with a partner they might feel even lonelier. That's one reason so many people have affairs or break up with their partner at that point in life. This might not be just about you, OP.