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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband read my diary

179 replies

AuroraJ · 15/05/2024 23:50

This is my first time of posting on Netmums for quite a few years but I don't know where else to go. Sorry this is sooo long.

For many reasons (which I won't bore anyone with), my DH and I have had a tough few years, and we are a work in progress. I've always kept a diary since I was a teenager. It's just my way of off loading, writing lists or just jumbled up verbal diarrhoea. Once I've written in it, I don't give what I've written another thought. It's my form of therapy.

We had an argument the other night and I turned to my diary. I wrote how I was feeling in that moment and speculated on what it would feel like to leave and how I can't because of the kids. I don't want to leave, but at that moment I was so frustrated and upset. I woke up the next morning, forgetting what I'd even written and carried on.

Tonight, my husband found my diary, read the entry and took a photo of the page. He demanded I explain myself, apologise for not telling him how I had been feeling and for also writing it in the first place. I stood my ground explained why I wrote it and I refused to apologise. He then demanded that I read him a positive entry from it and when I said no, he threatened to put the photo onto our family chat for everyone to tell me I was in the wrong.

He got really nasty about it all. I have stood my ground and explained why I wrote it and how I felt at the time. Why should I apologise for my private thoughts?

He has since sent me a text telling me that he's sorry those thoughts ran through my head but because I haven't apologised for what he read I don't have a thought for how anyone else is feeling apart from myself.

Am I right and what should I do? I can't even look at him at the moment

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Alwaysgothiccups · 15/05/2024 23:56

He's a piece of shit honestly.
You are not in the wrong AT ALL and I'm proud of you for refusing to apologise.
What he's done here is next level invasive and controlling.
You wrote down your private thoughts in a private place.. and he not only invaded that place but wanted you to explain and apologise for those thoughts AND is trying to blackmail you by threatening to show them to others.
He sounds like an absolute manchild and abusive.
Stick to your guns. This is not OK behaviour.
And also if someone sent me a picture of someone's diary entry in a group chat I'd think they were the cunt not the person who wrote the diary entry.. wouldn't you?? So I do not know what he expects to achieve by that.

RogueFemale · 15/05/2024 23:57

You don't need to apologise for your private thoughts.

He does need to apologise for invading your privacy by 1) reading your diary, 2) taking a photo of it, and, worst of all 3) threatening to post it on your family chat.

I mean, what the fucking fuck.

Damn right you should stand your ground.

Lipolio · 15/05/2024 23:59

He's nuts

Alwaysgothiccups · 15/05/2024 23:59

And also why should you have a thought for how he's feeling? That was private.. he knew it was and yet chose to read it.. he has hurt his own feelings. The absolute audacity honestly

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 00:00

Wow ! he is a real piece of work.

What exactly does he think he would gain from publishing the photo - surely it would backfire on him as everyone would see how unhappy you are !

taylorswift1989 · 16/05/2024 00:06

He should be apologising to you for such a gross invasion of privacy.

He sounds abusive and controlling. Do you think this is the first time he's read your diary? Is it kept locked away from him? I'd be worried he's been snooping for a while.

Original poster
AuroraJ · 16/05/2024 00:38

Thank you all for your support. This is the second time I've stupidly not put it away properly and the second time he has read it The last time being a few years ago. I can't remember what the fallout from then was but I was upset and he realised he was wrong. He's not usually a snooper.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 00:55

' He's not usually a snooper ' yes he is if he has read it each time he has seen it. So whilst he may not actively go looking for it, he will read it when it is left out.

Original poster
AuroraJ · 16/05/2024 06:44

That is true!

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 16/05/2024 10:38

Why are you defending him, OP? He reads your diary whenever he gets the chance, and uses what he reads to bully you and make you feel bad.

It would be the end of the relationship for me, I'm afraid.

frozendaisy · 16/05/2024 10:45

Write todays entry as to that you use this diary as a private space journal to write your thoughts, good and bad, to let emotions out and don't give it a second thought afterwards, what a cock he is snooping in your diary, threatening to show others, using it as a form of control and now he wants me to say sorry. Leave it out. Let him read it. And say I'll happily counteract your post of my diary entry with this one.

Fight fire with fire if you have to.

StrawberryWater · 16/05/2024 10:46

What a spiteful nasty little bully he is.

Your private thoughts are your own and none of his fucking business. Who the hell does he think he is? The thought police. Maybe if he wasn't such a prick you wouldn't have to write about leaving. Urgh.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 16/05/2024 10:47

You're on Mumsnet but yeah he's a dick

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 16/05/2024 10:49

AuroraJ · 16/05/2024 00:38

Thank you all for your support. This is the second time I've stupidly not put it away properly and the second time he has read it The last time being a few years ago. I can't remember what the fallout from then was but I was upset and he realised he was wrong. He's not usually a snooper.

No, this is not the second time. He has done it regularly, believe me.

This is only the second time he has confronted you.

What a man of low moral fibre you are sadly married to.

Barbarella73 · 16/05/2024 10:54

OP this is awful. Everyone is entitled to their own private thoughts - writing about this stuff in your diary is your way of processing and managing your feelings. It’s not for consumption by anybody else, and I don’t know what he is thinking he will achieve by threatening you with ‘publishing’ in a group chat. But it’s not acceptable.

My ex-husband went looking for my diary many years ago, and found it. He messaged me while I was on a very rare weekend away to say ‘I found your diary. We need to talk when you get back’ . It ruined the whole weekend for me. And it was the beginning of the end for us.

How he is behaving towards you is not okay OP. Hold your nerve.

GrumpyPanda · 16/05/2024 11:01

Well if you were unsure about whether you should divorce him surely his behaviour must have finally settled that question.

KiwiOtter · 16/05/2024 11:11

He invaded your privacy. Your innermost private thoughts. Utter wanker.

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 11:27

Playing devils advocate, how is this different to a wife looking at husbands phone? Whether its writing in a diary or telling a friend on WA you are thinking of leaving its not a nice thing to read regardless of if you snooped. Again, if it was a woman looking at a mans diary would the response be the same?

I find that when things are not good, jealousy and paranoia can reign - happened in my marriage, yet in last relationship things were so good I didnt even care that she was getting a message off her ex (maybe I should have as it may have stopped her running back to him)?

LovelaceBiggWither · 16/05/2024 11:30

Ooooooooooooh how nice it is to have a man here to mansplain and ask the real questions! Teehee!

OP what he has done is utterly unacceptable and threatening to expose you on the family chat is abusive.

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 12:12

LovelaceBiggWither · 16/05/2024 11:30

Ooooooooooooh how nice it is to have a man here to mansplain and ask the real questions! Teehee!

OP what he has done is utterly unacceptable and threatening to expose you on the family chat is abusive.

Agree with the exposing bit 100%, but there are many threads where the woman has snooped and that's ok?

I snooped at my ex-wifes phone some years back, pretended to need it for maps while on a train and I was able to check messages. Reason, she had a fling with someone (briefly) but had said they were not messaging. Found messages from a couple of days ago. Was I right? I had an inkling there was something not right so needed to prove it to myself. That was able to nip it and that was not (directly) the reason for divorce some 8 years later. Was I wrong or justified?

All I was saying that if I felt vulnerable, threatened (as in suspect affair, thinking we may be splitting up) then yes I probably would snoop. If my exGF had snooped at my phone I wouldn't care as relationship was good & nothing to hide (aside from any surprise gifts for her).

Hadjab · 16/05/2024 12:32

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 11:27

Playing devils advocate, how is this different to a wife looking at husbands phone? Whether its writing in a diary or telling a friend on WA you are thinking of leaving its not a nice thing to read regardless of if you snooped. Again, if it was a woman looking at a mans diary would the response be the same?

I find that when things are not good, jealousy and paranoia can reign - happened in my marriage, yet in last relationship things were so good I didnt even care that she was getting a message off her ex (maybe I should have as it may have stopped her running back to him)?

I really don't understand why you're conflating the two completely separate scenarios?

You trawled through your ex-wife's phone because you felt something was off. Was that the right thing to do? No. You should have sat her down and had a discussion. You didn't, but ultimately, you were proven right.

Is a phone in anyway similar to a diary? For most people, no. It's an instrument to make calls with, store emails and messages, and find information.

OP's husband read her diary. Seemingly not because he had a feeling that something was off, but because he's a nosy fucker.

Is a diary in anyway similar to a phone? No. It's a receptacle in which to write down one's private thoughts and feelings, things you have no wish for others to read.

Alwaysgothiccups · 16/05/2024 12:58

Dadjoke007 · 16/05/2024 11:27

Playing devils advocate, how is this different to a wife looking at husbands phone? Whether its writing in a diary or telling a friend on WA you are thinking of leaving its not a nice thing to read regardless of if you snooped. Again, if it was a woman looking at a mans diary would the response be the same?

I find that when things are not good, jealousy and paranoia can reign - happened in my marriage, yet in last relationship things were so good I didnt even care that she was getting a message off her ex (maybe I should have as it may have stopped her running back to him)?

It's not different imo.. looking at peoples phones without their permission is also abusive. If you don't trust someone to the extent you feel like doing that then just leave them. Don't get sucked into that toxic dynamic.

Engaea · 16/05/2024 13:00

Dadjoke why do so many men on here begin their posts with "playing devil's advocate..." I hear it as "speaking as a massive arsehole"...

GoldDuster · 16/05/2024 13:07

Lipolio · 15/05/2024 23:59

He's nuts

This. It's a journal, that's what it's for. And if you think he read one page and put it down, think again.

What a piece of shit.

GoldDuster · 16/05/2024 13:11

AuroraJ · 16/05/2024 00:38

Thank you all for your support. This is the second time I've stupidly not put it away properly and the second time he has read it The last time being a few years ago. I can't remember what the fallout from then was but I was upset and he realised he was wrong. He's not usually a snooper.

He's been reading your diary my love, and not just on the two times you didn't put it away.

That is one thing, but to then threaten to post a photograph in the family chat is fucking low. I wouldn't ever be able to look at him again, he's blackmailing you, what a peice of shit.

Call his bluff, tell him to post the photo in the chat, and send it to whoever he likes while he's at it. He's not having a moment self reflection about his part in it is he? Wanker. I would lose all last shreds of respect that remained at this point, and I'm furious on your behalf.

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