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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this rape/sexual assault? Or am I being dramatic?

108 replies

ChristmasEveBaby2022 · 14/05/2024 00:36

I was with a man who I have been dating for a few months and have just become offical, we where doing other stuff together but I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse with him, I have just started taking a new birth control pill that day which has to be taken for a week before being protected from pregnancy so I didn't want to risk that and I was bleeding slightly aswell so didn't feel comfortable too. He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to, he was very persistent, I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him but he was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him. I did ask him to stop during but when it was clear he wasn't going to I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did. I asked if he had and he said yes and I said I told you not to, I asked you not to and he just said "I thought you where joking" I had to run downstairs because I was so overwhelmed with worry about accidently getting pregnant as I am not in the position for that and he followed me down said I was "dramatic" and that he had "finished in lots of girls and never gotten them pregnant" and "it takes some people years to get pregnant" he's 32 and I'm 22 so the immaturity blew me away, not to mention he already has a child to his ex girlfriend. I'm now very worried, I spoke to him about it in the morning and he was just laughing about it. However we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight and so for these reasons I'm blaming myself, would this be classed as rape or sexual assualt? Or am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 14/05/2024 00:40

It absolutely was rape. But to be brutally honest, don't bother going to the police, because your chances of a conviction are slim to non-existent.

SamW98 · 14/05/2024 00:42

Of course you’ve been raped. And this vile disgusting predator is minimising the fact he’s committed a sexual offence that could send him to prison.

Please consider reporting him - at the very least NO NOT ever have any contact with him again. He's a rapist and a criminal.

So sorry this has happened to you and that you’re being made to feel you’re responsible. His reaction shows you he’s a scummy piece of shit.

NotaCoolMum · 14/05/2024 00:43

He’s absolute scum. I’m sorry he did that to you ❤️‍🩹 please report him.

DMC6274 · 14/05/2024 00:44

Yes this is absolutely rape, I'm so sorry this happened to you

LadyMinerva · 14/05/2024 00:46

You are not being dramatic in the slightest. You said no. He ignored you. That is 100% rape. He knew very well that you were not joking and he knew exactly what he was doing.

You need to end the relationship immediately and report him. Please don't let him get away with this.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/05/2024 00:48

Yes it is. A pharmacist might tell you if you can use the morning after pill while your regular pil is becoming effective

Anotherparkingthread · 14/05/2024 01:00

Of course it was rape, you even put your hand there to try to stop him. Don't listen to the poster who says don't go to the police, you need to report this because after you he will go on to do this to other women. Because he is a rapist.

slaggybumbum · 14/05/2024 02:30

You said No, and no means no. He raped you and I can’t believe the shite he came out with to defend himself.

i hope that you are not pregnant, but I would tell him that you are at your fertile time and now because of his actions he is going to be a father again. Let him worry about the outcome of his actions.

Don't see him again. It wasn’t a bit of silly slap and tickle. It was a concerted action to rape you despite you saying no.

i am very sorry.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/05/2024 02:33

ChristmasEveBaby2022 · 14/05/2024 00:36

I was with a man who I have been dating for a few months and have just become offical, we where doing other stuff together but I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse with him, I have just started taking a new birth control pill that day which has to be taken for a week before being protected from pregnancy so I didn't want to risk that and I was bleeding slightly aswell so didn't feel comfortable too. He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to, he was very persistent, I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him but he was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him. I did ask him to stop during but when it was clear he wasn't going to I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did. I asked if he had and he said yes and I said I told you not to, I asked you not to and he just said "I thought you where joking" I had to run downstairs because I was so overwhelmed with worry about accidently getting pregnant as I am not in the position for that and he followed me down said I was "dramatic" and that he had "finished in lots of girls and never gotten them pregnant" and "it takes some people years to get pregnant" he's 32 and I'm 22 so the immaturity blew me away, not to mention he already has a child to his ex girlfriend. I'm now very worried, I spoke to him about it in the morning and he was just laughing about it. However we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight and so for these reasons I'm blaming myself, would this be classed as rape or sexual assualt? Or am I being dramatic?

He's a rapist. He raped you. For your own sake, leave him.

SunflowerTed · 14/05/2024 03:31

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TheWalkingEyebag · 14/05/2024 05:49

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/05/2024 00:40

It absolutely was rape. But to be brutally honest, don't bother going to the police, because your chances of a conviction are slim to non-existent.

Please DO go to the police and report him. You are 100% not being dramatic OP. What he did was wrong and, even if he isn’t convicted, it will be documented in case he repeats the offence in the future and it could maybe be disclosed as part of Clare’s Law for future partners. You could make a request through Clare’s Law yourself to see if he has any previous reports of abuse.

I hope you are OK OP. Please stay away from this man and take care of yourself 💐

Wrongsideofpennines · 14/05/2024 05:55

It was absolutely rape. You were extremely clear it was a no, multiple times. He knew you said no and acknowledged that. He deliberately raped you.

If you feel able to, please report it so it goes on a record. He may well have done this to other women and will likely do it again.

If you speak to a pharmacist or family planning clinic they will be able to advise on emergency contraception. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Muthaofcats · 14/05/2024 05:56

I’m so sorry . This was rape.

Rapists rarely admit what they have done, they of course dismiss, minimise, say you are not telling the truth.

you can’t stay with this man, you need to leave and then tell him (once you’re safe and away from him) that the reason you’ve left is because what he did was rape. I would write him a text saying ‘I said no, you pinned me down, you wouldn’t stop when I said no’. This is why it’s over.

go get morning after pill today and go to the police. You can decide later if you have it in you to press charges but this is the reason men like this keep raping women, because they aren’t held to account and are able to get away with it / think it means it’s ok.

if this happened to your friend what would you want for her ?

Francisflute · 14/05/2024 05:59

It was definitely rape. He knows it. They don't admit it. I'd report him and get the MAP. As a PP says, you don't have to decide straight away whether to proceed with police charges.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 14/05/2024 05:59

"I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse"

"He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to"

"I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him"

"He was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him"

this is rape - you had made it clear you weren't consenting and he penetrated you anyway.

"I did ask him to stop during but it was clear he wasn't going to"

Even if you had consented to the penetration, this is also rape, refusing to stop.

"I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did"

Even if you had consented to the penetration, this is also rape, not using planned contraceptive methods against your consent is rape.

"we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight "

This is all not relevant. The only thing that matters is you didn't consent and that verbal non consent was clear.

BCBird · 14/05/2024 06:01

He raped u. Vile piece of shit. Ho to.pharmacist, ask.for morning after pill and report to.police. Cut all ties.

pilates · 14/05/2024 06:01

Yes. I would take the morning after pill and dump him. He sounds gruesome.

Francisflute · 14/05/2024 06:03

Oh, you saying 'don't finish in me' wasn't consent, it was trying to mitigate what he was inevitably going to do anyway so don't feel that was you giving consent. I mean, the CPS may take it differently, who's to say but in your own mind please know that he knew full well what you were saying and carried on anyway

cryinglaughing · 14/05/2024 06:15

At the very least ditch him, personally, I'd be involving the police.
Not sure you could have made it any clearer, yet he still persisted.
A vile man!

Toooldtoworry · 14/05/2024 06:17

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Set you bar higher wtaf does that mean? Nobody sets their bar as low as a rapist, how can you speak to a young woman like that? Give your head a wobble and consider if you'd speak to your daughter that way if she'd been raped by her boyfriend.

@ChristmasEveBaby2022 I am sorry he has raped you. You have every right to be upset. I was raped in similar circumstances around your age and did nothing but leave, I now wish I'd reported (I am 20+ years on) but hindsight is wonderful. Please at least make sure you are checked by a nurse at the GP and STI clinic. If you want to report I'm sure we will all hold your hand.

Ellie525 · 14/05/2024 06:19

100% rape Im so sorry. If you can get to pharmacist they should be able to give you the morning after pill which can work up to 5 days after... block and delete him and get support for what you've been through ❤️ Whether you report to police or not is totally your choice, it is definitely rape, however I totally understand if pursuing criminal charges is too overwhelming aswell xxx

BlastedPimples · 14/05/2024 06:20

@SunflowerTed moronic comment.

LadyMinerva · 14/05/2024 06:27

Disgusting victim blaming there @SunflowerTed

Howbizarre22 · 14/05/2024 06:31

Hes a fucking rapist and he’s laughing at you. This post made my blood run cold. OP report this predator asap how dare he do this to you. I’m so sorry.

Howbizarre22 · 14/05/2024 06:33

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Set her bar higher? How about you look in the mirror and set your bar above your hideous victim blaming and misogyny???? Gross.