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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this rape/sexual assault? Or am I being dramatic?

108 replies

ChristmasEveBaby2022 · 14/05/2024 00:36

I was with a man who I have been dating for a few months and have just become offical, we where doing other stuff together but I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse with him, I have just started taking a new birth control pill that day which has to be taken for a week before being protected from pregnancy so I didn't want to risk that and I was bleeding slightly aswell so didn't feel comfortable too. He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to, he was very persistent, I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him but he was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him. I did ask him to stop during but when it was clear he wasn't going to I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did. I asked if he had and he said yes and I said I told you not to, I asked you not to and he just said "I thought you where joking" I had to run downstairs because I was so overwhelmed with worry about accidently getting pregnant as I am not in the position for that and he followed me down said I was "dramatic" and that he had "finished in lots of girls and never gotten them pregnant" and "it takes some people years to get pregnant" he's 32 and I'm 22 so the immaturity blew me away, not to mention he already has a child to his ex girlfriend. I'm now very worried, I spoke to him about it in the morning and he was just laughing about it. However we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight and so for these reasons I'm blaming myself, would this be classed as rape or sexual assualt? Or am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
Cherryon · 14/05/2024 17:10

So sorry OP that you were raped by a boyfriend that you trusted. The truth is that rape is most often by a boyfriend, husband, ex or friend- men we trust. The stranger rape is the rarest kind of rape.

It was textbook rape, it happens to so many of us, so don’t blame yourself or question it. You were 100% raped.

Whether or not to report is a tough decision. Can you contact a rape crisis centre? They should have support to assist you.

scarletbegoniass · 14/05/2024 17:12

Of course it was rape. He’s disgusting, I’m sorry this happened to you.

WoodBurningStov · 14/05/2024 17:31

You put your hand in the way to physically stop you and he pinned you down, it was take op, so sorry.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 17:32

This is rape. I'm sorry. Please call the police to report if you feel able to or a rape crisis helpline to advise you.

Please know that even if you cuddled him and had breakfast and sent him nice texts after, this is a response that often happens as your body and brain are trying to keep you safe, physically and emotionally, from what has just happened,

He is a predator and he targeted you as a much younger woman so that he could have power over you. Internet mysoginists like Andrew Tate advise men to go for young women so that they can control them more easily.

Please stay safe and call a helpline for help, you're believed here. Xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 17:33

Ps he knows exactly what he's done so will probably be showering you with affection and 'love' today - it's all fake.

ittakes2 · 14/05/2024 18:26

I'm sorry this happened to you.
It's important for you to know that this is not your fault. You were beyond clear what you did not want to happen to you.
It is very common for woman in this situation to take a while to process that when they have said they don't want something to happen, and it starts to happen anyway, there is a delay in working out what to do next. Especially since you are with someone because you trust them - you never expect to be in that situation where someone is ignoring your request, so are not prepared with a response. None of this is your fault. He's a sexual predator please stay away from him.

mammaCh · 14/05/2024 18:31

That is most definitely rape.
Go to the police.
And get the morning after pill.
So sorry this has happened to you.
Get the hell away from him.

Abelle1 · 14/05/2024 18:46

I'm so sorry you went through that. What happened to you is not okay, and you're not being dramatic. It's clear you expressed your boundaries, and he didn't respect them. That's not just disrespectful, it's a violation. Consent isn't a joke, and what he did crosses the line into assault.

muggart · 14/05/2024 19:08

How awful. This is clear cut rape. I'm so sorry OP.

stonecutter · 14/05/2024 19:11

100% rape. I would report it if you feel able to. Even if there is no conviction, it will be on the record and build up a picture after the next woman reports him and the one after that. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

KidneyWarrior · 14/05/2024 19:22

@ChristmasEveBaby2022 I'm sorry this has happened to you, that was awful. Please get rid of him , and I would contact the police. I contacted the police after an assault by an ex, years ago. Nothing happened in the short term and his stepfather branded me a liar which was humiliating - though I now see it was an attempt to intimidate and silence me.

Anyway, long story short - it wasn't an isolated incident and he went on to do this to numerous women.i was contacted by the police over ten years later, and they built a full picture of everything that he had done to women over the years. The POS is now languishing in a prison cell. And hopefully his stepfather is ashamed of himself.

EarthSight · 14/05/2024 19:23

I'm so sorry OP. This was rape. Makes me so angry.

I think you should report him to the police. I'd want something like that one record at the very least, in case he think of doing it again in future to someone else, but I understand you might find this difficult. I hope you have support to hold your hand.

You did the best you could to try and control or manage a situation that was dangerous for you. Remember that. xx

RedHelenB · 14/05/2024 19:44

Hope you've been for the morning after pill OP.

Nat6999 · 15/05/2024 03:00

Yes, that is rape. Contact Rape Crisis & if you want to, the Police. Get this man out of your life ASAP. No woman should be coerced Into any sexual act they don't want. Have you taken the MAP? I would visit the sexual health clinic for fear he could have given you something.

susiemamma · 15/05/2024 03:44

This is rape and he will continue to do this to you. He will dismiss what you say and convince you it isn't rape. He will wear you down to the point you will question yourself. Please get away from him. Report him as he will do this to someone else ( probably already has).
I am speaking from experience, please get rid of him and don't fall for his forgiveness should he try that. Never doubt yourself or blame yourself.

SoozyWoozy5 · 15/05/2024 08:49

He’s old enough to know better & you should dump him. He clearly has no intention of respecting your boundaries or choices. Ditch this dickhead & find a decent guy, there are some out there..

catlady7 · 15/05/2024 08:50

You're definitely not being dramatic. He's a cunt and yes it was rape. I'm so sorry that happened.

LightSpeeds · 15/05/2024 08:51

Please end the relationship and report to the police (so they at least have a record).

He's a vile piece of shit.

Chatonette · 16/05/2024 12:05

It doesn’t matter if you were doing “other sexual things” with him. You had consented to foreplay, and had not consented to sex. You said no. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex on other occasions—on this occasion you had only consented to foreplay. He is minimising his actions and needs to be dumped. Immediately. He has no respect for you, your body, or your boundaries, which he completely trampled. Please watch this video about consent being like tea, hopefully it will clarify things. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Tea Consent

Copyright ©2015 Emmeline May and Blue Seat StudiosNon-commercial use: Video must have copyright information displayed below video, with a live link to origin...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

DriftingDora · 16/05/2024 12:12

Report to the police - no question. He will do this again, and he obviously ignores 'no' and does what he wants, therefore he's a possible danger to others. "I thought you were joking" - yeah, right.

This man has no boundaries at all - run.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/05/2024 12:42

Absolute scum. Tell people what he did. Other women have a right to know. Tell his friends. He raped you. You've done nothing wrong whatsoever and he is scum of the planet.
Don't ever speak to him again.

susiemamma · 16/05/2024 16:11

How are you OP?

altmember · 16/05/2024 16:59

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/05/2024 00:40

It absolutely was rape. But to be brutally honest, don't bother going to the police, because your chances of a conviction are slim to non-existent.

Do bother going to the police, because prosecution, conviction or not, it will go on his file. So when he does this again to the next girl (because he will do it again, and again, and again), the police will know he has prior form and it's much more likely a future/multiple prosecution will stick. Also, if a future partner does a Clare's law request on him they should find out about the accusation.

Garlicnaan · 16/05/2024 17:04

I hope you're ok in the circumstances OP. I've been in a similar situation and it's awful. It's unequivocally rape, please don't doubt yourself xx

localnotail · 16/05/2024 18:19

He definitely raped you. He is a vile, vile person who doesn't care about you. You are hardly even a human to him , you are simply a receptacle.

I would go to a sexual health clinic and discuss it with them. They will advice on what to do next depending on how you feel and will give you support and tests.

And please, PLEASE dump him and block him on everything.

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