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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this rape/sexual assault? Or am I being dramatic?

108 replies

ChristmasEveBaby2022 · 14/05/2024 00:36

I was with a man who I have been dating for a few months and have just become offical, we where doing other stuff together but I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse with him, I have just started taking a new birth control pill that day which has to be taken for a week before being protected from pregnancy so I didn't want to risk that and I was bleeding slightly aswell so didn't feel comfortable too. He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to, he was very persistent, I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him but he was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him. I did ask him to stop during but when it was clear he wasn't going to I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did. I asked if he had and he said yes and I said I told you not to, I asked you not to and he just said "I thought you where joking" I had to run downstairs because I was so overwhelmed with worry about accidently getting pregnant as I am not in the position for that and he followed me down said I was "dramatic" and that he had "finished in lots of girls and never gotten them pregnant" and "it takes some people years to get pregnant" he's 32 and I'm 22 so the immaturity blew me away, not to mention he already has a child to his ex girlfriend. I'm now very worried, I spoke to him about it in the morning and he was just laughing about it. However we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight and so for these reasons I'm blaming myself, would this be classed as rape or sexual assualt? Or am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
jobessieandme · 14/05/2024 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nice bit of victim-blaming there.

Yes OP, it was rape. Personally I would report it if you can bear to. If nothing else a conversation with a police officer might shit him up and stop him from doing it to someone else. You should definitely finish with him. You are 22 and there are so many better fish in the sea. Good luck.

WatermelonLou · 14/05/2024 06:44

Get out now whilst you can. He's the one being dramatic. Minimising his actions by suggesting you were being dramatic. You'll be stuck with this clown if you don't make fast moves. Avoid and absolutely go to the police. Men like this is the problem world over - think they can, then they do!

inigomontoyahwillcox · 14/05/2024 06:46

Strip this back to the bare bones of the situation.

He tried to put his penis in you
You said no multiple times
He still did it
You continued to refuse, including physically trying to stop him
When it became clear you couldn't stop him you tried to minimise the harm caused to you by asking him to at least not ejaculate in you
He still ejaculated in you

This.Was.Rape. He will do this again, Leave him, and if you feel able to, report him to the police.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this. He is scum.

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2024 06:48

He raped you, and he's disgusting
I really hope he's your ex boyfriend

There's sometimes a reason older men like women 10 years younger, you're easier to manipulate - maybe think of anyone over 30 as too old for now

Bumblebee907 · 14/05/2024 07:26

This is rape.

Report him.

You won't get a conviction but maybe it will stop him doing it to someone else.

Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 07:55

As others have said. Rape 100%. Disgusting individual, and never see again.

Redlarge · 14/05/2024 08:03

Get away from him. Report to police and get the morning after pill.
Hes raped you.
Im so sorry, do you have support around you? X

BMW6 · 14/05/2024 08:12

That's 100% rape

justasking111 · 14/05/2024 08:15

Please get the morning after pill.

Dump him

Spirallingdownwards · 14/05/2024 08:16

Sorry you have been through this.

As others have said MAP. If you don't feel able to report to the police please do contact a Rape Crisis centre.

Also dump him and let him know why.

LMMuffet · 14/05/2024 08:17

I’m so sorry, OP, but yes, he raped you. The fact that you consented to other sexual acts doesn’t mean you consented to all sexual acts. The fact that you have previously agreed to penetration or rough sex again doesn’t mean you consented to this one. And while he will no doubt pretend that he thought you did, he knows you didn’t consent because you said no repeatedly and even pushed him away. In truth he didn’t care. He will very likely lie and pretend otherwise. Do not listen to him.

Whether you decide to report him to the police is a personal decision and only one that you can make. Don’t feel bad if you decide you can’t face it. It is up to you.

But there are two things you MUST do. 1) Never see him again. Break it off because no one should stay with a man who raped them. 2) Get some support to help you process this. Contact Rape Crisis and your GP. Tell a friend or family member if you have someone close to you. Not only can these people help you emotionally right now, if you do decide to report him, even much further down the line, then they can support you in that process and may even be able to provide evidence for any investigation.

Best of luck, OP. Again, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. It’s not your fault, it was his choice to rape you. Please try to remember that and don’t blame yourself.

napping345 · 14/05/2024 08:22

You couldn't have made it clearer that you didn't consent to penetration OP. Even trying to mitigate the risk of pregnancy when you realised you couldn't stop it happening doesn't make it lesser. It's definitely rape OP. So sorry. <3

Ecstaticmotion · 14/05/2024 08:24

This is rape and you need to get the morning after pill. Please cut him out of your life.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 14/05/2024 08:26

I'm sorry to read this @ChristmasEveBaby2022, but yes, based on what you have written he most definitely raped you. Previous sexual interactions with him, no matter how rough, don't negate you saying no (more than once). If he thought you were joking then 'you're joking, right?' (or something similar) should have been his response, to clarify if you were ok or not - though it sounds like you'd made it clear more than once that you were NOT ok with this.
Google support agencies in your area (rape victim support followed by your area), who will be able to help/support you whether you decide to press charges or not (I hope you do but understand if you cannot).
Speak to a trusted friend/family member who will support you unconditionally.
Seek medical help regarding morning after (which isn't just for the morning after, it's longer) pill.
So sorry this happened to you.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/05/2024 08:28

He raped you and you should tell the police. You explicitly said no, you tried to cover your vagina with your hand. He forced himself on you. He's alot stronger than you, just becuase he didn't need to punch you and drag you into a bush doesn't mean it wasn't rape. It is, without a doubt, rape. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Runor · 14/05/2024 09:01

Yes it’s rape, and to reiterate what pp said, please get the morning after pill, get some help processing this and report it if you feel able. So sorry this happened to you

Twinklewonderkins · 14/05/2024 09:01

Yes it was rape, he’s a vile predator who has likely done the same to “lots of girls”.
I hope you are ok, do you have anyone irl to talk to?
its 100% not your fault . The age gap alone is a massive red flag at your ages.

Ubugly · 14/05/2024 09:27

Omg this is awful.

Get the morning after pill ASAP as you do not want a baby with this man and be tied to him for life.

Treelichen · 14/05/2024 09:45

Absolutely rape. Please report him.

Olivia2495 · 14/05/2024 09:49

He will rape you again.

WorriedRelative · 14/05/2024 09:52

This is definitely rape but he's gaslighting you into believing that it's no big deal. Do not listen to him.

Go to the pharmacy or family planning clinic to get the morning after pill ASAP.

Report to the police.

Save any communication from him but do not contact him and absolutely do not see him in person ever again.

yeesh · 14/05/2024 09:54

I’m sorry this happened to you, he is a rapist and as he doesn’t think he has down anything wrong he will do it again. Please leave him

Cattyisbatty · 14/05/2024 10:10

Sorry, it’s definitely rape.

Apollo365 · 14/05/2024 10:14

Rape, so sorry OP 😢

HappyGoLucky96 · 14/05/2024 10:54

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/05/2024 00:40

It absolutely was rape. But to be brutally honest, don't bother going to the police, because your chances of a conviction are slim to non-existent.

Why are you telling her not to go to the police after saying it was rape?

you are very wrong in saying this

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