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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this rape/sexual assault? Or am I being dramatic?

108 replies

ChristmasEveBaby2022 · 14/05/2024 00:36

I was with a man who I have been dating for a few months and have just become offical, we where doing other stuff together but I had expressed to him that on this occasion I didn't want to have vaginal intercourse with him, I have just started taking a new birth control pill that day which has to be taken for a week before being protected from pregnancy so I didn't want to risk that and I was bleeding slightly aswell so didn't feel comfortable too. He tried to put it in and I said no I don't want to, he was very persistent, I even put my hand in the way to physically stop him but he was very persistent, and pinned me down, there wasn't any stopping him. I did ask him to stop during but when it was clear he wasn't going to I said just don't finish in me and said he wouldn't and promised he wouldn't and then he did. I asked if he had and he said yes and I said I told you not to, I asked you not to and he just said "I thought you where joking" I had to run downstairs because I was so overwhelmed with worry about accidently getting pregnant as I am not in the position for that and he followed me down said I was "dramatic" and that he had "finished in lots of girls and never gotten them pregnant" and "it takes some people years to get pregnant" he's 32 and I'm 22 so the immaturity blew me away, not to mention he already has a child to his ex girlfriend. I'm now very worried, I spoke to him about it in the morning and he was just laughing about it. However we where both drunk, I was engaging with him sexually in other ways and I have had rough sex with him before and I feel like I didn't put up enough of a fight and so for these reasons I'm blaming myself, would this be classed as rape or sexual assualt? Or am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/05/2024 11:15

Lurkingandlearning · 14/05/2024 00:48

Yes it is. A pharmacist might tell you if you can use the morning after pill while your regular pil is becoming effective

This. An emergency coil fitting is something to consider as well.

PEP, a course of appropriate antibiotics and a general sexual health check-up would be appropriate as well. Now is the time to prevent pregnancy and STDs!

Nicole1111 · 14/05/2024 11:15

I’m sorry to say this is most definitely rape. Please contact your local police to report this and so they can make sure you get the support you need.

Dibbydoos · 14/05/2024 11:27

It's rape.

Report and/or get rid.

End of.

SweetLittlePixie · 14/05/2024 11:32

Definitely rape. You dont need to put up a fight! A simple no is enough. I would break up and report him asap. Nothing might come of it since its your words against his, but it never hurts to get something like this on record. Sounds like he would do this again and again.

WhereIsSpringtime · 14/05/2024 11:36

It is rape. I'm sorry.

Giggorata · 14/05/2024 11:36

I'm sorry this piece of shit raped you AND tried to gaslight you into believing it isn't rape.
Please get the morning after pill and some medical checks.
And please report this crime against you to the Police.
He may have raped other women previously and he will certainly go on to rape again. That kind of wankstain doesn't stop.

SerafinasGoose · 14/05/2024 11:40

I'd say to any woman who posted to say they are not sure whether they consented or not, that they absolutely didn't. Consent is unambiguous. This is one situation in which there are no shades of grey.

That he called you 'dramatic' is also the worst kind of gaslighting possible. (We see, every day on Mumsnet, how this particular accusation is routinely used to shut women down).

This 'man' is a monster. And he's a rapist.

I'm so sorry, OP.

jolota · 14/05/2024 12:15

Yes, you've been raped. I'm so sorry.
I had something very similar happen to me with an ex and it took me a look time to come to terms with the fact that it was rape. It was an abusive relationship anyway, I'd gotten out, and this happened after I'd come back. It was an escalation that luckily scared me enough to cut ties for good. Though I did see him on a night out a year later and he tried assaulting me again.
Please leave this man and protect yourself.

GG1986 · 14/05/2024 14:41

Yes it is rape, you said no and he continued. It doesn't matter if you've had sex with him before or were doing other things with him. He is pathetic, personally I would report him, why does he think it's OK to go around doing this to women. Cut contact with him, he's bad news.

Naunet · 14/05/2024 15:55

Yes, I’m sorry but this manipulative, evil prick raped you. He knows he raped you too. Obviously, never speak to him again, he’s utter scum, but also see if you can get the MAP, and then talk to your GP about an std test.

If you can report it, do, but unlike some, I wouldn’t pressure you to, it’s highly unlikely you’d ever get a conviction and I’m aware many women find the police and court process even more traumatising than the rape. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for you.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/05/2024 15:57

I am so sorry, OP. As others have said, it's rape. You can get support by ringing the rape crisis helpline.

You were very clear in your messaging to him. You have no reason to blame yourself

Mom2K · 14/05/2024 16:09

I am sorry this happened to you. You were raped and it is not your fault. You did not provide consent in any part of the process (and even if you had, but then changed your mind and asked him to stop - him continuing still would have made it rape).

Please report him to the police.

i hope that you are not pregnant, but I would tell him that you are at your fertile time and now because of his actions he is going to be a father again. Let him worry about the outcome of his actions.

No, don't do this. Do not engage any further with this rapist. Do not potentially endanger yourself by fabricating a pregnancy as you don't know what he might do. He raped you. This makes him an abuser. He is dangerous.

Get the morning after pill, just in case.

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/05/2024 16:17

HappyGoLucky96 · 14/05/2024 10:54

Why are you telling her not to go to the police after saying it was rape?

you are very wrong in saying this

Because, when OP herself had to ask MN if she had been raped, how likely is it she'll be able to convince the police? And if they do pass the case to the prosecuting authorities, will it pass the 75% likely to convict test? If it gets to Court, she will be ripped to shreds by the defence, which is incredibly stressful. I know of one local case where the victim took her own life after testifying, and her rapist had been convicted.

And after putting herself through all of this, will a jury convict? Last time I read anything related, of cases reported to the police in England, 1.6% result in a conviction.

There are so many ways OP can be further damaged by the processes involved, with such a likely poor outcome.

If OP were lucky enough to have police, CPS, and jury made up of MNers, she might be in with a chance.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/05/2024 16:20

I’m sorry you were raped by this vile man.
First off go to a pharmacist and get the morning after pill.
Then report him to the police. I bet he’s done this before and will do it again. A visit from the police might be enough to stop him doing it to another woman.
Absolutely 100% of this was on him, zero on you. The word no means stop to any decent man. He is as far from a decent man as you can get.
Make sure someone looks after you, a friend or you can contact rape crisis at any time.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2024 16:20

Oh op, why do you need to even ask this? Flowers Please please get some help on what it and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

Joeylove88 · 14/05/2024 16:22

As everyone has already said it is rape. It can be easy to think your being overdramatic because you 'didnt put up much of a fight' and in the end you just accepted what was happening to keep the peace but he is a piece of shit and should have respected what you were saying to him the first time you said no! Its happened to me and at first we were having consentual sex that led to me saying no and physically trying to move myself away but it still carried on and it is WRONG. Doesnt matter if they are you partners no man has an automatic right to your body its disgusting. And his behaviour towards you afterwards. Bin him off and I do highly recommend reporting this.

rwa818 · 14/05/2024 16:22

This is definitely rape. You should get the morning after pill, you really don't want to be getting pregnant with this man.
Please don't see him again

hendoop · 14/05/2024 16:27

It was rape.

Regarding the issue of consent- you told him no and he had no reason to think you consented.

You have various options:

Report the crime (you can report and withdraw your support at any time and the investigation will not proceed without your support)

Refer yourself to a Rape Support Charity (different areas have different ones)

See a sexual health clinic to get contraception support and tests etc

You can decide to report at any time, I advise you to speak to someone in real life to get some good support around you

Flatbellyfella · 14/05/2024 16:32

Young lady, get as far away from this utter disgrace of a partner you find yourself with, report the rape as soon as possible. Staying with him, things will definitely only get worse.

Nothankyou22 · 14/05/2024 16:35

No means no and the fact you tried to tell him multiple times and put your hand there but he still continued is fucked up.

Mayhemmumma · 14/05/2024 16:41

Yes this was rape.

ScrapeMyArse · 14/05/2024 16:49

It took me years to admit to myself I was raped, so you're doing better than me, op!

Freeze and appease are really common trauma reactions to sexual assault by males. Because as women we're subconsciously aware of men's potential to hurt us even more. Self preservation, your body/ nervous system trying to keep you safe. So please don't feel bad about your reaction. Any shame is his alone.

Consenting to rough sex is not the same as consenting to rape, which is obviously impossible! ANY woman can be raped. Gently, however, was the rough sex actually something you wanted, or something you wanted because he wanted? Again, no shame. We've all been there. There can be a lot of layers of coercion and subtle abuse that creep up in relationships with abusive men.

If you do text him, he may well incriminate himself in his reply. Like you I'm astounded by his attitude. It's not immaturity so much as abusive though. Pregnancy doesn't really affect him, does it? I'm very concerned that he might be purposefully seeking younger women to exploit the power imbalance and get away with rape.

Please seek support OP and don't be surprised if your feelings hit you when you're not expecting them. It can be helpful to get into something physical to give your body a way to process that feeling of trapped helplessness.

Good luck with however you proceed.

Goawayquickly · 14/05/2024 16:49

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Disgusting man.

You sound like you’ve been seeing him a while? Has he contacted you today? I just thought, maybe stupidly I don’t know , that you might be able to have him admit what he did by text in case you decide you want to report him.

Whatever you decide to do it would probably be a good idea to contact rape crisis for some support and it goes without saying that you never see this dangerous man again.

Be kind to yourself, it’s a lot to process.

catherinewales · 14/05/2024 17:02

This happened to me a long time ago. I've never told anyone. It is most definitely rape. I doubted myself for a long time but now I'm older I can see it what it was. Once you say no that means no. I seen the lad who done this to me years later and told him what happened. (He was drunk) he was like you make it sound like I raped you. He did and I'll never forget it. You need to decide what you want to do yourself as to weather you report it or not but you need to not see this person again because it'll happen time and time again and it'll get worse. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope your ok xx

PickAChew · 14/05/2024 17:09

Hope you have found the strength to follow the excellent advice in this thread and take steps to get away from the bastard and report him @ChristmasEveBaby2022